Me (10 page)

In life, there is always the temptation of wanting everything at once, like right
now
. When we chase a dream we see it all so clearly, and it’s normal to want it to become a reality right away, or at least as soon as possible. But as we all well know, things in life are never simple. The path toward one’s goals is often full of obstacles, and by overcoming each obstacle in your own way, there is a lesson to learn. If I had not learned everything I learned during
Me amarás
, perhaps I wouldn’t have been ready to collaborate with Robi and K.C. and accomplish what we did together on
A medio vivir
. It was an album that would change my life in many ways, although I didn’t know it at the time. So by the beginning of 1996, my career as a solo artist was starting to really take off, but I was still missing one critical step before fully coming face-to-face with my destiny. This time the call came from New York, specifically from Broadway, where I was invited to perform in the popular musical
Les Misérables
.

I am an artist because I love music and I adore the stage. In this sense, musicals seamlessly fuse my two passions, acting and scene work with music, which is why some of the most magical moments in my life occurred when I was asked to perform on Broadway. It was an incredible challenge, and every night I was surrounded by supremely talented individuals in an atmosphere of absolute creativity. I made it my point to take it all in and enjoy every single moment.

Like so many other things in my life,
Les Misérables
came to my life totally unexpectedly. It was thanks to an interview I did for the
Miami Herald
, in which I was asked, “What have you not done yet that you would really like to do?”

Without hesitation, I had answered: “I’d like to perform in a Broadway play.”

I said it because it was of course true, but I would have never imagined what came next. A few days after that interview was published, I got a call from Richard Jay-Alexander, the associate director and executive producer of
Les Misérables
. He told me he had read the article, and with very little preamble he offered me the role of Marius Pontmercy.

Once again, I was not required to audition. They didn’t even test me—nothing. They simply handed me the role. And of course I accepted right then and there.

Many people might think it is a question of luck. But more than luck, I believe that after almost fifteen years of working like a madman, the time had come for me to reap the benefits of all my efforts.

Thus began eleven extraordinary weeks before a packed theater, fully booked night after night. I was later told that tour operators from Latin America even organized trips to New York so that their clients could see me in the show. What an honor! I think that was the role of my life, and if they offered it to me again, I would take it in a heartbeat. It is common to hear some of the great Hollywood actors say in interviews that their favorite roles have been on Broadway, and honestly, I can completely relate. It is a very intimate and challenging experience, so it does not surprise me that it is something that many dream of doing again, again, and again.

Some eight years after I performed in
Les Misérables
, I ran into Richard Jay-Alexander at a restaurant in New York.

“Marius, my Marius! You’ll always be my Marius,” he exclaimed. “Ricky, I gotta tell you the truth: Victor Hugo wrote that character for you.”

I could not believe what he was saying to me. Richard is a knowledgeable guy, and he has some of the highest standards in the industry. Never mind knowing what it takes to put on a show like this one! I was very flattered by what he thought of me.

DURING THE SUMMER I spent on Broadway, I met a Hungarian girl who was a hairstylist on the show. We spent hours talking and I really liked her. I felt like my heart skipped a beat each time I saw her. I tried to ask her out in every possible way imaginable, but she would always give me the same response: “I can’t go out with you until we go to church together.” And since I liked her a lot, I said, “No problem, let’s go.” So I went.

Since it was summer, the church held its services in the park. I had to get up at seven in the morning—seven in the morning on a Sunday!—because the services started at nine. I went to pick her up and we walked across the park until we reached the spot where the services were held. But as soon as we got there, she disappeared. Lots of nice young men walked up to me and welcomed me to the service, but she was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly I realized that all the men were standing on one side and all the women were on the other side. I thought it was very strange, but I was there because I wanted to get to know this girl better, so I went along with it.

Even though I came to the church because I was courting a girl, I also feel that I arrived there because it was what I needed at that moment of my life. I spent a little more than two months going to church, reading the Bible, and studying religious subjects. Even though I grew up Catholic, I’d never really
studied
the Bible, and it was here that I truly discovered how wise Jesus Christ was, and the great beauty of his teachings. My life until this point had been total craziness, and the simplicity of those moments shared with all those other young people made me feel so good. It was a very peaceful atmosphere, very wholesome, and it helped me to get closer to the little boy inside me.

In the teachings of Jesus Christ I found a very important concept, self-forgiveness. Back then, I was constantly struggling with all the “bad” things I thought I had done. I’m talking mainly about physical desire, whether for members of the same sex or the opposite sex. Back then I thought those types of thoughts were impure and not okay, which is why I really needed to forge a sense of forgiveness toward myself. And this brought me a monumental calm. This church also taught us to see all human beings as “our brothers” in order to put an end to any kind of physical attraction. That worked for a little while, because I honestly did not want to feel what I was feeling, and I didn’t want to have the thoughts I was having, which, according to “the faith” and certain social codes, constituted the devil’s temptation.

The church began to govern my life, and I even got to a point where I considered getting baptized, but ultimately didn’t do it. It was hard for me to change my way of thinking, given the values that were etched in my mind—at the end of the day, once a Catholic, always a Catholic—but I honestly tried to.

As I progressed in my studies, I began to ask myself more and more questions. I read the entire Bible, until in one of the groups I was attending, someone said, “If you don’t repent for your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your salvation, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

The affirmation hit me hard. I said, “Hold on a second. What do you mean by that? You mean to say that everyone I have loved intensely who has passed away is not in heaven if he or she did not accept Jesus Christ as their salvation?”

“Well, yes,” they answered, “we have to pray a lot for those souls.”

I was stunned. My grandparents were saints. They were people who dedicated themselves to helping their fellow human beings. They adored their children and were devoted to their families; they never lied, and never showed malice toward anyone. Their lives were filled with love and generosity! And these people were telling me that because my grandparents did not go to church they are not in heaven? If this was the case it was clear to me that I no longer wanted to go to heaven. I wanted to be wherever my grandparents were.

I started to ask myself other questions: What happens to the other people who don’t share this faith? Are they not in heaven, either? I thought (and still think) these kinds of affirmations are seated in a great deal of arrogance. Where do the Jewish, Muslims, Catholics, Buddhists, Taoists, Native Americans, atheists, agnostics go? Are they trapped in nothingness? I think my questions were very valid. They might seem a bit abstract to some, but they were definitely valid to me.

I was faced with what for me was an irreconcilable conflict. I continued studying and I began to find other things that made me feel uncomfortable in the teachings of this church; for example, the church’s stance on homosexuality. Even though I did not know yet that I was a homosexual—or to be more precise, I was trying with all my might to convince myself that I was not—I knew that some of the people I loved were homosexuals, and they were certainly not bad people, unworthy of Christ’s love. All of these realizations made me very nervous; I became preoccupied and anxious. Finally I realized that this is not what Christianity was about. I had spent months reading about the history of Jesus, and noticed that in addition to His teachings, there were a series of laws created by humans that didn’t always make sense to me. If Jesus Christ was a compassionate being, it made no sense to say that the people who do not believe or act the same way He did are wrong, or destined to enter the gates of hell. Also, deep down inside I felt I was being attacked on a personal level when they said, “If you’re a homosexual, you are the son of the devil”; that bit just didn’t work for me.

What a horrible irony. They attack me, but they love me; they accept me, but they exclude me. They speak of homosexuality as something that can be “cured” through prayer and atonement, as if it were something bad, when in fact homosexuality is a blessing the same way heterosexuality and life in general are blessings.

It got to a point where there were just too many contradictions. So I stopped going to the church and understood that another chapter of my life was closing. I am grateful for the things I learned during those months, but I realized it was not giving me all the answers I needed. I had many spiritual moments, but also many clashes. It was another step on the path, another lesson. My spiritual journey was only getting started and I had many steps left to take before I would find the peace and acceptance I needed.

With time I have learned that life has a funny way of shaking me around when I need it most. In that moment, I don’t always understand it, and often I even resist it, when in reality I have learned that what I need to do is open myself up to the challenges that lie ahead—because it is these very challenges that allow me to grow, learn, and change. Instead of resisting change, I have chosen to search for it and embrace it because all change, as scary as it may seem, comes with an infinite realm of new possibilities.

Destiny is a curious thing. It doesn’t always take us where we want to go, and many times it ends up taking us to an unexpected place where we feel confused, lost, with no idea where to go next. These are complicated and painful moments that make us suffer and question who we are, along with what we want the most in our lives. But if we really make the effort to see these challenges as opportunities to find ourselves, we will understand that it was exactly what we needed to discover and strengthen our role on this planet. That is how I see it, and that is how I face every opportunity and every challenge that life brings me.

I believe that everything that happens in life happens for a reason. I also believe that the God that lives inside me—to call it something—is in charge of giving me everything I am going to ever need. All of my joys and pains have made me who I am. They are the yin and yang of my existence, this inseparable duality of life that blends together and makes us the people we are destined to become. I have known love and loss, joy and sadness, friendship and betrayal. I have known a sense of success I never imagined possible; I have had to withstand the attacks and accusations of my detractors; and yes, I have also had failures. Today I know that every step has taught me something and helped me grow and become a better and stronger person—a more complete human being.

It has been incredible to sit back and think about everything that happened after Menudo. I was running in circles when I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. But gradually my path began to reveal itself and I discovered how life itself was leading me toward my goals, finally, to my destiny. As it was happening, I did not always understand why I had to experience what I had to, but with time I could see that everything had its own reason. I could finally see that a single experience—good or bad—does not define everything, and the most important thing is to always stay alert to the various opportunities that arise. Every course has its fair share of bumps, and as painful and hard as they may have been, these bumps were crucial for my growth and maturity as a person and an artist. I still had a long way to go, but after
Les Misérables
I finally felt that I held the tools to move forward. I felt strong, powerful, and invincible. The small bumps I had faced paled in comparison to the sense of triumph for having been able to develop myself creatively as an artist, in genres as different as television, film, theater, and music. All of these experiences gradually shaped me into a much more complete person than I was when I left Menudo, and they taught me that the most important thing is to remain loyal to one’s self and live with the conviction that each and every one of us is destined for something extraordinary. This was only the beginning.

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD
not have everything at once, but I disagree. Instead, I feel we should not have everything until we are actually ready. And to become ready, one must work. A lot. I’m not just referring to practical work, the type that helps us to reach the professional success we seek. I am also talking about spiritual work: We must learn from the karmic lessons that life places on our path.

In my life there was a moment when the stars aligned perfectly and everything was in the exact spot where it needed to be so I could reach the goal I’d always dreamed of, and beyond. And if I learned anything in the process, it is that when your moment finally arrives, you cannot allow yourself to get held up by looking back. You have to work tirelessly, give it your all, and dedicate your heart and soul to actualize the blessing that has been given to you. Because it is just that—a blessing. We have to grow in response to the circumstances, and make the most of our chance to shine.