Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (20 page)

She used it for a while, though she complained (mostly just aloud to herself) pretty much every time that she wasn't crazy about the thing. Until one day she brought home a much nicer machine that she got at one of those kind of fancy and super boring stores that sell kitchen stuff (Williams-Sonoma maybe). She read the directions like she was about to deliver a baby. But ultimately she wasn't crazy about this one either. She even invited some seriously hipster girl (Jess, who was kind of pretty but had an extremely deep voice) from the local non-Starbucks café to their house so she could show his mom how to make a real cappuccino.

Apparently what Jess taught his mom was that it might not be a bad idea to get another machine, because about three weeks later a UPS guy knocked on their front door with a box from Amazon that weighed a ton. She and Darren took the shiny, silver thing (made by some company called Pasquini) out of the box very, very,
very
carefully. Jess showed up about thirty minutes later and then the two of them (Jess and his mom; Darren went upstairs but left his door opened, who knows why) set up the machine and talked about it like there was a Rolls-Royce in the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later Darren heard Jess say, “What do you say we fire this baby up, Brenda?” Three minutes later his mom said, “Oh my God!” and laughed. She then said “Oh my God” three more times, emphasizing a different word in the short phrase each time. Jess, meanwhile, said “I told you” after each “Oh my God.” Darren subtly rushed downstairs, where, thankfully perhaps, he found his mother sitting across the room from Jess and licking some foamed milk off her index finger.

Not to mention, his mom can make some pretty insane hot chocolate with the thing.

3.
 HER LULULEMON OUTFIT OF THE DAY

Which is these black tights that end around her calves and a green pullover. Actually the tights have a green line running down the sides, and the pullover has a black stripe or two. Meaning it's an ensemble of some sort. She's got three or four outfits like this, all from Lululemon (the one time Darren actually said the name of the store out loud, he felt so stupid he promised himself he would never do that again).

She's wearing it because after she drops him off at school, she'll go to the local athletic club to do Pilates or yoga or something. She works out in the morning, because California is still pretty much asleep then. It's a different class every day, and it's definitely every day. Darren guesses she looks pretty good, but he sort of tries not to think about this too much, since it's kind of obvious why she must be working out so religiously. Even though, thankfully, she still hasn't mentioned going out on a date with anyone or anything like that.

But the other reason she works out so religiously is that she does a lot of things religiously now. Like keep the house insanely clean (with a huge amount of help from Dita, who comes three days a week) and put together a menu for the whole week on Sunday (and then do a huge shopping trip Sunday afternoon). She's even got this crazy, elaborate, color-coded, magnetic dry-erase calendar on the wall by the fridge that she's constantly updating (and yes, there's a matching one on her computer). And yes, she expects Darren and Nate to take a look at it each morning.

In fact, what's weirdest is that she's practicing religion a little religiously too, these days. Nothing too crazy. She's not like any of those Jewish women with the wigs and stiff black skirts he sees over at the CVS on Howard. But she finds a reason to go to their synagogue a couple times a month, stopped eating pork and shellfish (Darren could give a shit about pork, but no shrimp at home was a major bummer), and on Fridays when he's with her, they “do” Shabbat.

And yes, today is Friday and today he's with her.

4
Ways in Which His Mom Acknowledges (or Has Recently Anticipated) Darren's Presence This Morning

1.
 There's a bag lunch, apparently already packed, sitting by the toaster.

2.
 She looks up from her computer and (somehow without stopping to type) gives him a very warm smile.

3.
 She says (after stopping to type), “Good morning, sweetheart.”

4.
 There's a bowl, a spoon, a folded napkin, a box of rice milk, and a box of Peanut Butter Bumpers set up on the counter next to her.

2
Words Darren Needs to Say for His Mom to Realize That He's Super Stuffed Up, Which Causes Her to Detach Herself from the Laptop and Go Upstairs to Her Bathroom to Get Him Some Medication

1.
 Good

2.
 Morning

4
Things Zoey Didn't Do on Saturday, April 26, All of Which Darren Laments, Yet Again, as He Shovels Cereal into His Mouth

1.
 WAIT IN THE TENT, OR AT LEAST THE APARTMENT, UNTIL HE GOT UP

When Darren woke up late that morning, aside from being really confused about what he was doing in a tent and trying to figure out whether he should continue wearing his only pair of underwear (part of which was stuck to a spot right below his waist), he pretty quickly noticed that Zoey wasn't in the tent or even anywhere in the apartment. Including, thank God, his brother's bed. He was so confused, he checked his arm about three times to make sure the mark was still there and that he hadn't just dreamed the past twenty-four hours. But he hadn't, so he went out into Ann Arbor to look for her, wishing he had thought to get her cell number at some point. Not that there had ever been a particularly natural opportunity to do that.

He walked around campus and down all the major streets he could find, even though he couldn't come up with a single good reason for her to be hanging out in any of the many places he looked. But around the time he was about to give up, he saw her sitting in a café with Nate's laptop. Darren felt a number of very different things when he finally found her, because he just really wanted to see her and had slowly been realizing while looking for her that he was pretty crazy about her, but what was she doing in a café and why did she have his brother's computer and how stupid was Darren to let himself get crazy about someone like her?

2.
 BE AFFECTIONATE OR EVEN JUST NICE WHEN HE FINALLY FOUND HER

Still, he went inside and walked up to her table and just looked at her until she noticed him, which took about four seconds. This seemed about three and three-quarters seconds too long. When Zoey finally looked up, she just said, “Hey.” Not nice or mean or welcoming or dismissive. She just said, “Hey.” She didn't say, “Oh, hi, I'm glad you found me,” or, “I was about to come back to the apartment; I only left because I figured I'd make a lot of noise and wanted to let you sleep,” or, “I was just thinking about you,” or, “I know I shouldn't have taken Nate's laptop, but I'm writing my parents a long e-mail explaining everything to them, and I couldn't really wait any longer to do that.” And she definitely didn't stand up to kiss or hug him or reach out her hand with that awesome ring on it and squeeze the mark on his arm, which Darren suddenly realized he wanted so badly for her to do that he thought he might start crying right there in the middle of the café.

So Darren asked (because it was one way to not mention any of the stuff that really mattered right then), “Why do you have my brother's computer?”

Zoey just looked at the computer, shrugged her shoulders, and mumbled, “I don't know.” If she had said it like she actually felt bad, that would have been one thing. But she said it pretty much the way she might have said, “Whatever.”

Darren was now sweating, because Saturday was warmer than Friday had been and he had been walking a lot and because, for some reason, he sometimes sweats when he's hungry, and he hadn't eaten a thing yet and it was already almost noon. None of which was helped by the fact that there was about a third of a poppy-seed bagel on a plate next to Nate's computer.

“You want it?” Zoey asked him, but not really offering it to him. It was more like she was wondering, “If I let you eat it, will you promise to stop staring at it like it's a one-hundred-dollar bill or something?”

So Darren looked up from the bagel and right at Zoey, in particular that spot on her top lip, which, again, unless he had dreamed up the whole thing, had spent part of last night attached to his left ear, something that he knew he didn't dream up, because about an hour earlier, after removing his underwear, he sat down on the toilet in Nate's apartment and (with great effort) bent his head down toward his left thigh. Which unquestionably smelled like, well, it didn't smell like his left thigh had ever smelled before.

It was hard for Darren, at that particular moment, to know if he loved Zoey. And not only because he wanted to scream and maybe even grab her shoulders and shake her. But he most certainly loved that spot on her top lip, and not in the way you might say you love some small, beautiful thing like a butterfly or a cool signature. He loved that spot on her top lip because during the previous twenty-four hours or so, it was the place he had been storing everything else he liked and maybe even loved about Zoey. Meaning when he looked at that spot on her top lip, he was sort of seeing a bunch of things, including all sorts of stuff you couldn't even see, like her decision to join him and how she drew on his arm and the way she sang when she finally let herself sing and her smell and the sound she made into his left ear at the very end.

But all she did was say—she actually said this—“Your brother's got problems.” Darren must have made a face that demanded an explanation, so she turned the laptop to face him, which was open to Nate's e-mail. Darren, who was still standing, froze a little bit more, so Zoey said, “He's on academic probation or something.”

Darren finally convinced his arm to move, which he extended to forcibly close the laptop, the shutting of which made more noise than he expected. This noise allowed him to say, “What the hell?”

And she at least looked right at him for a second, but then she turned away and reached up for the piercing that went through her eyebrow.

Darren said, “Zoey.” Which he said because he was pretty sure he had never said it in order to get her attention as someone he had a special tie with, and because he wanted to say it the way he maybe would have said it at the beginning of a long sentence about how amazing last night in the tent was and how, if she wanted to be, he would be psyched if she'd be his girlfriend. So he sort of half said her name that way, but he mostly also said it the way he would say “please,” as in: “Please don't.” Or the way you would say “hey,” as in: “Hey, asshole, I'm standing right here.”

Just then his phone rang. Darren knew by the ring that it was Nate. “Yeah,” Darren said into his phone.

“Dude, where the hell are you?” Nate asked.

“In a café, just down the street,” Darren answered.

“Hey, did you take my laptop, you tool?” Nate asked.

“It's here, yeah,” Darren answered.

“Okay, wanker,” Nate said, “why don't you and my laptop come back so we can come up with a plan?”

“Sure,” Darren said.

“Hey,” Nate said, “if Lady Z is there, bring her with you.”

“Okay,” Darren said, and ended the call.

Zoey stood up, grabbed her bag, and said, “I'm going to the bathroom.”

Just before she turned away she looked at Darren, really looked at him for the first time that morning, so that he knew last night had happened and that she liked it as much as he did and that she wished she weren't such an absolute, four-alarm freak and that she was sorry about the laptop and so please wait until I come back because maybe not everything is lost.

3.
 JUST LEAVE ONCE AND FOR ALL, RIGHT THEN

Zoey took a step toward the bathroom, but suddenly turned around, took two steps toward Darren, and hugged him. Really tight. Plus her fingers raced up to the back of his head, and the next thing he knew she had pulled his ear down toward her mouth.

He could feel her lips moving against his right ear, but they weren't kissing him, at least not at first. It sounded like she was saying something, or at least starting to, because about three times he could swear he heard actual syllables. Things like “pleh” and “dar” and “yuh.” The whole right side of his body sprouted goose bumps and he hugged her tight, so tight he could feel her chest heaving a little bit. Or maybe it was his chest, because he really felt like he was about to pass out by this point.

Then she did kiss him, in the ear, her breath perfectly warm, and it felt so good that he figured everything would have to be okay now. Because how could there be a world that allows that kind of kiss to coexist with anything even a little bit painful, including especially the feelings you have for the person giving you that kiss?

4.
 RETURN

After she let go and went to the bathroom, Darren sat down, ate the rest of the bagel, and opened the computer. And read a couple of e-mails and closed the computer. And studied the top third of the mark on his arm and thought about where they'd go for lunch and used his index finger to pick up all the poppy seeds that had fallen off the bagel. He assumed every sound he heard was Zoey coming back, meaning he looked up eagerly every two or three seconds. Until after maybe four minutes, when he picked up the computer and walked back to where the bathroom was.

But the bathroom, which was right next to a door leading out of the back of the café, was empty. Even though he knew there was no point, he opened the door and looked out into an alley, which seemed horribly empty and clean.

And that was the last time he saw Zoey.

3
Surfaces Coated with the Color Crimson That Briefly Converge Just Before Darren Takes Two Pills from His Mom and Swallows Them

1.
 His mom's mug