Me and Miranda Mullaly (15 page)

Today in history class Mr. Wexler interrupts and asks to speak with me outside. So I go outside with him and he looks terrible.

“I have bad news, Chollie. Really bad news.”

I suddenly get real emotional. My eyes fill with tears and my stomach burns and my heart races and my mouth is so dry I can't talk. I'm thinking something terrible has happened to Mom or Dad or Billy.

“I'm telling you this first, Chollie,” Mr. Wexler says, and he puts his arm on my shoulder.

“What happened?” I ask.

“It's Ralph.”

“Who?”

“Ralph, Ralph Waldo,” Mr. Wexler says.

I have no idea what Mr. Wexler's talking about.

“Ralph broke his leg.”

I suddenly let out a big breath. And it's crazy because I didn't even know I was holding one.

“What I'm going to ask you, Chollie, is of utmost importance. Can you handle ‘Steam Heat'?”

“I don't know,” I say, because I really still don't know what he's talking about.

“I've seen you play basketball, Chollie. I think you can do it.”

And then it hits me that “Steam Heat” is a song and dance that Ralph and Sam Dolan do with Miranda Mullaly. I straighten up a bit, as if I've been slouching, and put my shoulders back.

“I can do ‘Steam Heat,' Mr. Wexler,” I say.

I
have
to. For Miranda.

But it turns out that I can't do it. I really can't do it. Miss Kerrigan tries and tries to teach me the dance steps and I just can't do it. We spend an hour, a full hour, working on the dance steps as I watch Sam sit and talk with Miranda. And after all that time, I still can't do it. Miss Kerrigan finally leaves the stage and Mr. Wexler sends me home, shaking his head in frustration.

I have
all
this going on and I can't even talk to Billy about it.

So there I am backstage, limbering up and stretching and doing all the stuff you do before you dance a big dance number. And who walks up on the stage with Miss Kerrigan but Chollie Muller.

“Mr. Dolan,” Miss Kerrigan says, “Chollie is taking over for Ralph Waldo.”

If you haven't heard, Ralph Waldo broke his arm or leg this weekend skydiving or spelunking or doing something else that no one has ever heard of. It was just about the best news of my lifetime because I assumed I'd dance “Steam Heat” with Miranda alone. I give Chollie my tough-guy look, because I want him to know I don't want him dancing with me and Miranda Mullaly.

“Isn't it kind of late to learn it? Maybe it would be better if just Miranda and I do it together.”

Miss Kerrigan laughs.

“Why don't you take a seat with Miranda until I get Chollie acclimated to the steps and sequencing.”

Miss Kerrigan points to the front row where Miranda is reading a book. I jump off the stage, really excited, since this will give me a chance to talk with Miranda. I can finally bring up
Twilight
.

“Reading a book, eh?” I say to get things going.

Miranda ignores me but that's okay because I know how serious she is about school and books and things like that.

“I really love the Twilight books,” I say. “You can bet I'll be in line when the next one comes out.”

Miranda looks at me as if I've just farted.

“I loathe, I detest, I despise those books.”

I instantly get the impression that Miranda hates
Twilight
. And that's really odd because Erica Dickerson told me once . . . Erica Dickerson! She set me up!

I make a quick mental note to get back at Erica. And then I return my attention to Miranda.

“Yeah, those books are kind of boring. What are you reading there?”

This gets me right back in the game. Miranda closes the book and shows me the cover. It says
84
, Charing Cross Road
.

“That looks like a good book. What's it about?”

“It's about a woman in New York City who corresponds with a bookseller in London.”

It sounds incredibly boring, sort of like something Sharon would read, but rather than say that, I say, “That sounds really exciting.”

Miranda laughs and it's awesome. I mean, what a smile!

“It's not terribly exciting,” she says. “In fact, hardly anything happens in the book.”

“Then why do you like it?” I ask.

Miranda takes a moment to think about this. I mean, is this a great conversation or what?

“What I like about the book is how these two wonderful people connect without ever meeting one another. But they're connected by their love of literature and history. And their love of books.”

Miranda pauses and I think about
Watch This!
and how I can't wait to give her a copy.

“Does that make sense?” Miranda asks.

And just as I'm about to say it makes total sense someone says, “Nothing make sense to Dolan.”

It's Erica Dickerson. She climbs over the seat to join us. She even sneaks in between us, ruining the moment like only she can.

20

If you know
anything about me, by this time you know I do not go for all this newfangled Internet stuff. So instead of sending out impersonal Evites for the cast party, I decided to hand each cast member an invitation. Call me old-fashioned, but I personally think it is the perfect thing to do before the final dress rehearsal. There's nothing like the cast party to put one's mind at ease before the stress of opening night.

It is most important, too, for the star to personally deliver the invitations before the final dress rehearsal. I was most looking forward to handing Miranda her invitation and asking her to join me for ice cream after opening night.
I was a man on a mission as I approached Miranda, stage left. There were lots of cast members all around us, but I didn't care.

“Hello, Miranda,” I said.

“Hi, Duke,” Miranda replied.

“Here's your invitation to the cast party.”

“Thanks,” she replied.

She was looking onstage, where Sam was alone, walking through his steps. He looked at us and winked at Miranda. I couldn't believe it. But I wasn't going to let Sam steal my thunder, so I quickly asked Miranda to go out with me.

“I was thinking, Miranda, that perhaps you would like to join me for ice cream after opening night?”

My timing, again, was off. Miranda, I'm fairly certain, did not hear what I said. But Sam Dolan, who rubbed my shoulders in a most mocking manner, asking me if I was ready to go, most certainly did.

Miranda ran off for makeup before I could get a chance to ask her again. Sam was still standing next to me, smiling like an idiot. With all the chaos backstage before the show, it was impossible for me to punch Sam in the jaw, so I walked away, fists clenched.

Then it struck me. The perfect time to get at Sam would be on the stage when I'm supposed to push him in Act 1, Scene 1. From stage left, I watched Sam and Chollie
pretend to fix the sewing machines, grimaced as Chollie forgot his one line, then went onstage and rather than push Sam, let him have one square on the jaw. Sam, of course, has no idea how to act onstage and was instantly out of character. He attacked me and I had no choice but to stand up for myself. Mr. Wexler snuck out onstage and broke us up with his clipboard as the music played and the cast danced the next number.

Our dress rehearsal moved along until “Hernando's Hideaway,” when Sam attempted to punch me during my dance with Miranda. I will always be a step ahead of dim-witted Sam, saving myself and Miranda from his attacks.

Inexplicably, however, Miranda missed the fact that I had saved her from the hooligan. Instead, she screamed at me when we left the stage, complaining that I was ruining the whole number and the whole show. Then from out of nowhere, Sharon Dolan came up and kicked me in the shin.

To add insult to injury, Mr. Wexler took Sam and me aside and scolded us like an English schoolmaster. I'm sure he would've paddled us if it were legal.

I took a deep breath, rubbed my shin, and planned to get back at Sam one last time. This was far from over.

There's this thing that they do in plays called Final Dress Rehearsal. It's when everybody goes through the play one last time before what's called Opening Night. And today is Final Dress Rehearsal.

When I go out onstage to fix the sewing machine, I still can't remember my line, and I freeze up. Mr. Wexler is at the side of the stage whispering to Sam to just keep going. And now it's really official. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm probably going to mess up the whole play. Great, another reason for everyone to make fun of me right now.

But then everything gets really crazy. You see, after I'm supposed to say, “He don't belong in this town,” Sid (played by Duke) comes out and pushes Sam's character. Today, though, Duke punches Sam square in the jaw. He really lets him have it. And Sam jumps right up and tackles Duke. No one, absolutely no one, knows what's going on. Then Mr. Wexler runs out to try to break up Duke and Sam.

Since it's the Final Dress Rehearsal, we're told to keep on going as if nothing happened. There's just no time to replace anyone.

What if Sam and Duke fight again? What if I can't remember my line on Opening Night? What if I can't even manage to march in time? What if I run into Mr. Mullaly before or after the play? Maybe I'll save everyone the trouble and not show up.

I'm so excited for the show that I'm onstage before we even begin the final dress rehearsal. And I have a feeling in my stomach like I've never had before. It's a little bit like telling a joke that gets big laughs, but there's something more to it.

And I haven't had any Mr. Mullaly nightmares for almost two weeks.

I'm in the best mood of my life.

I see Sharon offstage and give her a big wink. And when I walk off the stage, I pass by Miranda and Duke. And when I pass Duke, I put my hands on his shoulders and I say, “Ready to go, big guy?”

Weird, right? But that's just the kind of mood I'm in. I'm even happy to see Duke.

So anyway, we start the show, and I carry the exposition perfectly, if you ask me. Of course Chollie can't remember his line but I'm used to it, so I cover for him. And then Sid, who is really Duke, comes out onstage.

And what do you think Duke, the lunatic, does? He hauls back and punches me in the jaw. Well, I go flying back and then jump up and tackle him. It's the only thing I can think to do. I'm suddenly reminded of how much he
gets in my way. The music starts up and Mr. Wexler rushes in to break us up.

He tells us to keep going, but I'm still pretty peeved.

After we do the whole big picnic scene and sing “Once a Year Day,” we clear the stage. I follow Miranda and she turns and gives
me
her terrific smile. I mean the kind of smile that makes my knees buckle. The kind of smile she gave me when she returned my thumbtack. The kind of smile I don't see as often anymore.

“You two look great together,” Miranda says. And again, she says it right to me.

I stop right in my tracks, and Erica Dickerson bumps into me.

My heart breaks that instant.

Erica smiles and grabs my hand to do our tango. As the music starts up and we begin to dance I suddenly start to feel angry again. I mean, I'm really angry. And when I see Duke doing his tango with Miranda, I get even angrier. I swing Erica toward Duke and Miranda as Erica whispers, “What are you doing, Dolan?”

As I get near Miranda and Duke, I hold on to Erica with my left hand and swing on Duke with my right. But since they're spinning, Miranda is coming directly toward my fist. It's too late to stop, so I close my eyes, getting ready for
a huge crash. But my hand doesn't hit anything and Erica and I go spinning across the stage.

I never get a chance to punch Duke, which is pretty unfortunate.

And even more unfortunate is that Mr. Wexler sees the whole thing and starts chewing me out right after I get off the stage.

Even worse is that Sharon won't look at me at dinner and refuses to pass me the ketchup. I don't want to make a big deal, so I have plain meat loaf, which just isn't as good.

I try to apologize after dinner, I really do. But when I go to her room, Sharon refuses to even open the door. And I don't know why, but when I stand outside her room staring at her door, I feel rotten inside.

And now I can't get a good night's sleep because my nightmares starring Mr. Mullaly have returned.

To: Erica

From: Miranda

Date: March 15, 2016 9:03 PM

Subject: Cast Party

———————————————————————————

E,

Can we please, please, please, please, please, please go to the cast party together?

I feel so stupid for even knowing this, but the day of the party would've been my sixth month anniversary with Tom. Are you laughing? Don't worry if you are, I'm pretty pathetic.

And I don't know how you do it with all the energy onstage, but I'm just not feeling it. Are Chollie and Sam really marching behind me? “Steam Heat” is the best part of the play and they ruined it.

Oh well, after today's dress rehearsal I'll be surprised if we even get the show off the ground. I can't wait for this to be over!

OK, last time I'm saying this. Thanks for forgiving me for being such a jerk. You're an awesome friend!

Call me if you want to laugh about the impending disaster.

xoxoxo

M