Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) (11 page)

As we started walking again, I could sense my aunt was trying to approach this from another angle. She kept making her usual "hmmm" sound as she tapped her left hand on her thigh. She always did that when she was thinking.

"Maybe you need to come to these sessions too," Cecily mused as we crossed the street. "You've been holding so much inside of you for too long."

"I don't want to sit in a circle with a bunch of kids," I countered.

"Laney, you need to meditate."

"No, not with them..."

"I should have made you do it when you first moved in with me all those years ago. You've needed it for so long."

"I don't want to talk about my marriage problems with those kids."

"You don't have to talk about your problems with them. Just meditate with them. You can talk about your problems with me."

"I already tell you..."

"I don't think you tell me everything that is bothering you," Cecily said. "Which makes me wonder how much you told Mads."

"I told him everything." I retorted.

"No, I don't think you did." By now we were only a few minutes from her house. My aunt's words rang through my mind. She knew me too well. She knew I wasn't always good at expressing my fears or my needs. If anyone understood this, Cecily did. "But sooner or later you're going to have to open up more, stop hiding things inside you. It doesn't help."

*     *     *

"
How
could you quit without telling us?" Joha
n’
s and Marius's faces filled my iPad screen. "You can't just leave us!"

"Hello to you too." I balanced my iPad on my knees. I was in the garden with Liv and Freya. Lorelei, Rebecca's youngest daughter, had come over earlier, wondering if the girls wanted to play. She and Liv were trying to catch butterflies while Freya played with her DuPlo blocks. All of the girls were in their bathing suits.  I'd promised them they could run through the sprinklers once they were tired of chasing butterflies.

"Does this mean you aren't coming back to Denmark? Please tell me you haven't abandoned us to these crazy Danes!" Johan's voice went up an octave. It always did when he was nervous. It was one of the things Marius and I used to tease him about. Hearing it now made me miss working with my team.

"What makes you think I'm not in Denmark...?" Which was a stupid question to even ask. Mads had probably called them the moment he realized I was gone, trying to figure out what they might know—when the only thing I'd ever told them was that being at home with two small children was no walk in the park.

"Mads told us!" Johan barked at the screen. "He said you left him, said you took the kids—what the hell is going on? I thought you two were my friends who'd never get a divorce—"

"We're not getting a divorce..." Just thinking about a divorce made my chest tighten. I didn't think I wanted to go that far... Mads and I had issues...but I had to believe that we could find our way back to one another.

"You don't sound so certain," Marius quipped. He raked his fingers through his dark hair and gave me a stern look. "Tell me this is just a bump in the road."

"I don't know what it is...I think it's temporary. I just need to get my life on track—and Jens calling and saying I had to prove I was committed to my job—that my job was more important than my children...I just couldn't take it. I can't do that."

"I don't blame you, Laney," Marius admitted. "And...look, if you're not here, we're not here. We've been thinking about this for awhile."

"What are you talking about?"

"We're starting our own agency—and we want you to join us."

"But you're coming back?" Marius asked. I heard the caution in his voice.

"I haven't been gone that long." I reminded him. I'd only been here a couple of weeks, though it felt longer. My maternity leave was another matter. I'd started it three weeks before Freya was born. If I still lived here in the US, I would have already been back in the office again.

Johan looked as though he was about to panic. "But you left Mads—"

"It's temporary, Johan. I needed a break. That's all." Lorelei and Liv threw down their butterfly nets and joined Freya on the lawn. I asked the girls if I should turn on the sprinklers now but they were much more interested in the inflatable wading pool my aunt had found. She was outside too now—in one of her fabulous fifties-style bathing suits and flip-flops. She'd already inflated the pool and was now filling it with water.

"Sounds like you're having a good time with the girls."

"I am. This time I've had with them so fa
r…
it's been really wonderful." I smiled as I watched Lorelei and Liv help Freya into the pool. My aunt gave Freya a rubber duck, while Liv and Lorelei sent streams of magic bubbles into the air with the bubble wands my aunt had found. Their laughter made everything feel right.

"But you're coming back?" Marius asked again.

I nodded slowly. This was just temporary. I had to remind myself of this. This was a vacation from my normal life. "Yes, I'm coming back...just not yet."

CHAPTER TEN: Mads

Counting the Days

I was counting the days until I could leave for America. I'd never flown there before on my own—hell, I'd only ever been there twice and both times I'd gone with Laney. I didn't know I had to apply for a special entry visa—Eddy explained it to me after I'd received an email from the airline with the subject line: "Getting Ready for Your US Holiday". I called her as soon as I'd scanned it and come to the part about an entrance visa. Now she'd come to the workshop to help me fill it in.

"It's not really a visa," she said as she filled in the form. "And you should be filling this in yourself."

"You took over the computer," I reminded her, "and then you told me to go and pick up lunch for you. Which I've done." I slid her takeaway box towards her. "Roast beef
s
mø
rreb
rø
d
, just like you asked for. And an iced tea."

"Did you go to that ca
f
é Laney and I like?" She tapped the keyboard again.

I nodded. It was the same ca
f
é I always went to and Laney swore by their iced tea. "I asked them to add extra mint, just like you asked."

"Done! Now you have your visa."

"
Tusen takk
, Eddy. I really appreciate this. I went into a panic as soon as I saw that mail."

"Didn't you have to fill out the last time you went?"

"I think Laney took care of it," I said. "I guess she took care of a lot of things I didn't think about."

Eddy and I were sitting at the farm table-
cum
-conference table. We had the workshop to ourselves. Willem and Ibrahim were on their way to Milan with Morten and Anton. Jonas had gone out to pick up his lunch. He was flying out to Milan tomorrow. Having her here made me feel like I had a better chance of convincing Laney to come home. I told myself Eddy wasn't pissed at me anymore, but I knew if I didn't get it right I wouldn't have her in my corner.

"I spoke to her last night," Eddy said as she cut her sandwich in half. She sectioned off a tiny square and then tasted it. "Ooh! This is yummy! I swear, this is better than those roast beef sandwiches I used to eat in Stockholm."

"Swedes don't know anything about
s
mø
rreb
rø
d
." Which was definitely true. In the time I lived in Sweden, I never had a good open-faced sandwich. I gave up on them. "Or
wienerb
rø
d,
for that matter."

"Have you told Laney you're going there?" I could see the concern etched on Eddy's face. She raised her index finger to her lips and tapped them with her fingertip. "Or were you planning on surprising her?"

"I haven't told her yet. Why? Do you think I should?"

"Well, sweetie, you should at least warn my mother that you're coming." Eddy shook her finger at me. "Cecily always like to be prepared."

"I'll call her tonight," I said. "Your mother, I mean. I think...I want to surprise Laney. Saturday is our actual anniversary. I thought...I'd show up, maybe she and I could have some time alone and just talk. Try to figure out where we are."

Eddy smiled finally, the stern look melting away.  She reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "I know you want to make things right. And I want that, too. You and my cousin have been so good together. And I would hate to see that end."

"I don't want it to end," I assured her. "Everything that's good in my life is because of Laney."

"I think she'd say the same, sweetie." Eddy took another sip of her iced tea. She let out a sigh. "She wouldn't have Liv or Freya without you."

I missed my girls. I missed Freya's excited squeals whenever I lifted her in the air. I missed how Liv became my shadow as soon as I was home, following me everywhere, never letting me out of her sight as she filled me in on everything I'd missed during the day. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, she wanted to be there. "I hate going home to an empty apartment, it's not a home without them there. No Freya giggling or trying to find her balance...no Liv asking a zillion questions and climbing in my lap and telling me secrets..."

"They miss you, Mads. I'm glad you're going. You're doing the right thing—even if it means you won't be able to represent your work."

"I don't care about that. It started off as this dream I had, but I went into overdrive with it so I could support my family." I scratched my neck. It was a nervous tic. "I know what kind of life Laney had before she met me...I don't want her to ever feel like she's missed out on something because I can't support us."

"Does Laney know this?"

I nodded. "I let it get in the way, though."

"Well, try not to let it happen again." Then Eddy winked at me and grinned.

Once Eddy left, I focused on wrapping up as much as I could of my part of the hotel project. I'd just finished the changes Ole had requested to my design. I scanned everything into my computer and then sent the changes to Jonas, Morten and Anton to make sure they could continue with their own revisions. I checked my phone. No new messages, but it was still early in America. Jonas had just returned from lunch. He slammed into the workshop and let out a long stream of choice Danish swearwords.

I looked up from my drafting board. "What's happened?"

"Benny called me when I was having lunch."

"What did she want?"

"She wants her final paycheck...she wants it now, she wants us to write a good reference for her, she thinks you owe her an apology...she says we all do."

As Jonas continued with his list of Benny's wants, I felt my insides twist and knot. Anton was right. We should have never hired her, but we had to deal with it now. She was threatening to report us to the union. She said we'd discriminated against her because she was a woman.

"We could ask Anoushka to help," I finally said after Jonas finished listing all of our wrongs. I hadn't spoken to Anoushka in a few weeks. Sometimes she and Laney planned play dates for Lida and Liv. It was one of the strange webs of my life—that a little girl whom I helped create but was never supposed to have met would now be one of Liv's playmates. "If you think we're going to need legal help, she could give us some guidance."

"I shouldn't even be burdening you with this." Jonas knocked his fist on the stone wall. "You've already got enough to think about."

"Yeah, but this collective we've got—that's a big part of my life too."

"Look, just leave Anoushka's number and then Anton, Morten and I will take care of this. The last thing we need is Benny causing more problems for you and Laney."

I ran my palm over my mouth and leaned back in my chair. Had I sent out signals that I was interested in Benny? I didn't remember anything specific. She'd flirted with every one of us when she first arrived in the workshop. Jonas had been the first one interested in her. He'd broken up with his long-term girlfriend, Zana, after months of what seemed like a cold war. And Benny had been there, every day, joking with Jonas, working on several projects... In the beginning she'd shown no interest in me. And that was fine. I was so busy then, with getting used to having a second child at home, at the cycle of sleepless nights that sometimes followed. I'd come to the workshop and fall asleep on the couch in the office during my coffee breaks. I think it was around the time when Laney and I thought Freya had colic. She'd wake screaming and we couldn't figure out how to comfort her. I think it was then that Laney and I began to drift apart, both of us exhausted from not having enough sleep, and then I threw myself into work.

"How long were you and Benny seeing each other?" I asked Jonas. It was something he'd never officially acknowledged, but we'd all known it was going on. The long lunch breaks they took, the evenings when they'd work overtime claiming they were behind schedule.

Jonas's neck flushed red. "Just a couple of months," he said and then changed the subject. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I'd be in Florida by Friday. And I'd be able to get my marriage back on track again.

*     *     *

I
wasn't sure what to pack. I knew it was hot in Florida—wasn't it always summer there? My American trips so far had consisted of going to New York with Laney.

The first time we went, Liv was still a baby. We'd gone there to spend Thanksgiving with Eddy. It was easy to pack for that trip—winter coat, boots, thermal underwear, sweaters, jeans...it was freezing in New York, and the damp cold went straight through every layer of clothing you wore. One of the days we were there, we left Liv with Eddy and Henrik for the day and we took the train to Philadelphia. Laney wanted to put flowers on her mother's grave. She bought flowers—a bouquet of bright pink tulips—as soon as we'd arrived at 30th Street Station, then we took a taxi to the cemetery. It was just as cold in Philly as it had been in New York, and the taxi driver told us they were expecting snow. Laney said she'd pay him extra if he waited and turned off the meter. I remember thinking he'd agree and then leave us there, but he waited. And while Laney was arranging the flowers and telling me she knew they wouldn't last but they were her mother's favorites, it began to snow.

The second time we went Florida, but I didn't remember much of that trip other than getting sick already on the plane and being bed-ridden most of the week. Laney thought I had a stomach virus. I thought it was more likely bubonic plague. That trip was also in winter, but Laney had packed all of our bags. And since I spent most of the vacation either in the bathroom or in bed, I never really paid much attention to what I wore. But Aunt Cecily and Laney took care of me, and Liv, who was only two then, crept into the bedroom at least twice a day to pat my arm and tell me she wanted me to feel better.

My empty suitcase lay open on the bedroom floor, waiting to be filled. So far, all I'd pulled out was a pair of linen pants and two black T-shirts. Well, it was a start, but it definitely wouldn't get me through two weeks in Florida. I'd booked a ticket with a flexible return date. I needed to be prepared for anything. Laney might turn me away. She might welcome me with open arms. I tried to read her whenever she arranged FaceTime calls for Liv and me, but she never let our conversations last very long. Sometimes Laney would sit in front the screen long enough to answer the questions I asked her—how was she, did she need anything from me, was everything okay with the girls...but she avoided looking at me, and when she did her eyes were glassy and she'd blink quickly and then rush to end the call. It didn't matter if I tried to convince her to stay a little longer, she'd find an excuse to end the call.

Last night she at least stayed on long enough to say "I love you..." Her voice was barely a whisper as she said it and it crept inside me and stayed with me all night. I dreamt she was lying beside me, her hand on my chest. I thought she was there, I thought I felt her lips on my skin, but when I woke up the room was empty. It almost made me feel worse...but I had to remind myself that I would see her soon.

When I finally finished packing, it was a little after midnight. It was still raining out and thunder was rumbling overhead. Lightning flashed outside the balcony doors. I stood by the doors and watched the rain slash down. It wasn't much longer until I'd be on my way. I just hoped she still wanted me in her life.