Maverick (Star Valley Book 3) (29 page)

Seeing him walking the floor didn’t help matters. Her first instinct was to go to him, to try and comfort him. Instead she passed her suitcase to Walker and headed straight out the front door of Snake River.

“Stay,” he said hoarsely and she very nearly did. Summoning up the last of her strength, she opened the car door instead and climbed inside. As Candace drove away, she finally broke down, unable to keep it inside anymore. She cried, sobbing in great jagged heaves.

Candace’s foot let off the gas. “Leah? Leah, do you want me to turn around? Do you want to go back?”

“No,” Leah choked out. “No, just keep driving!” She clutched her belly, trying to hold herself in, trying to keep it together. It was an hour before she was so worn out she simply stopped spluttering.

“Well, maybe you should just take some time, you know?” said Candace softly. “Just take some time. Nothing has to be decided right now.”

The fact that her best friend’s words were tempting (too tempting) made it clear to Leah in a single moment of understanding what needed to happen.

It was then, and only then, that she finally decided what she need to do.

*

She wasn’t sure
how much sleep she actually got in the night, but she crawled out of bed early, dressed, and made her way to the kitchen where she only sipped some water and stared at her phone. She should call her parents but she could already imagine the devastated look on their faces.

How could she do it? How could she destroy them not once but twice? Not to mention all the other times before that with the leukemia, like some slow-motion car accident with Leah behind the wheel, taking her mother and father over a cliff.

She put the phone down and pushed it away. Once was enough. Once was bad enough.

Candace came out of her bedroom ready for work but with a deep frown on her face. “Are you going to be okay? Should I call your mom to come and stay and you guys could talk—”

“No. No, don’t do that. I’m fine. You just go to work. Everything’s okay.”

Candace looked unconvinced but eventually she grabbed her server’s apron off the coat rack and headed toward the front door. “
Call me
,” she said firmly. “If you need anything, anything at all, call me.”

“Don’t worry. I will.”

“I can bring home some cheesecake,” the girl offered. “I mean…shit…is that stupid? Is that a dumb thing to say?”

Leah managed a weak smile that she hoped was convincing. “Candace, it’s fine. Cheesecake is fine. Go ahead. Don’t worry about me.”

“Okay, I’m going. But I’ll have my phone with me.”

“I promise to call,” Leah lied.

“If I can get off early, I will!”

Leah waited a full five minutes, in case Candace changed her mind, then levered herself off the couch and stepped into her shoes. She couldn’t have her best friend hovering over her day after day, night after night. She couldn’t stay in this apartment, staring at the cracked paint on the baseboards. And she couldn’t go home because she hated—hated—that look on her mother’s face, that look that said nothing would ever be good again, that there was nothing left to look forward to.

As much as Leah’s mother meant well, that look haunted Leah and she saw it every time she closed her eyes. It was the same look Austin had on that terrible day. Too many people were looking at her, but not
seeing
her. Leah realized she didn’t want to be looked at, didn’t want to be seen, by anyone—not anymore.

She felt bad about Candace’s cheesecake as she locked the front door behind herself and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

‡

A
ustin was already
hip-deep in the water of the Snake River when a set of powerful arms wrapped around him from behind. He was neither surprised nor was he prepared, throwing himself to side in an attempt to escape, foot slipping on the small stones of the river bed and costing him the precious traction he needed to get away.

“
Come on
!” Walker shouted into his ear, hauling him backward.

Austin bellowed again. It felt like
no
. It sounded like a battle cry. He tried again to throw off his brother’s hold but the current and his lack of leverage made it all but impossible.

“Please,” came Walker’s voice in his ear once more, this time echoing the way Austin felt in his chest. “
Please.
”

Austin allowed himself to be dragged through the water and up onto the bank.

“Whatever you need, you’re not going to find it in there,” Walker told him.

Austin’s mind rebelled, though. The river felt right. It felt necessary. Perhaps he’d sinned somehow, and in doing so brought chaos down on them. Perhaps the river could wash it all away. Perhaps the river could save them all. “Go! Just go! Just leave me!”

Walker wouldn’t let him go, though. He dragged Austin—down, down, down—into the dirt, until they both knelt by the rushing water. “I gave you as much space as I could, baby brother, but no more. Someone’s gotta hang on. If you can’t, then I will.”

Austin screamed again, but it sounded fragile this time, brittle. He sagged against his twin, clawing at the fabric of his shirt. “I did everything right,” he said. “I took them in. I was going to take care of them.”

“I know,” said Walker, holding Austin’s arms tightly, keeping him upright. “I know.”

“So, why did I lose them? Why? I did everything I was supposed to do…but I lost them.”

Walker didn’t reply, perhaps because there
was
no answer.

“I loved them!” Austin shouted as Walker pulled him closer, not letting him get away this time. “I loved them!
I do love them!
”

Somewhere in the anger and the raw-throated despair that was overwhelming him, Austin understood, he
saw
, that his brother was crying, too, right alongside him. Walker matched his twin, tear for salty, stinging tear, the only other person in the world who could feel this pain as acutely,
as nearly-fatally
as Austin.

Aside from Leah.

“I did this,” Austin whispered.

“What? Austin, no. You—”

“I made her come here.”

Walker shook his head. “
Austin—
”

“I made her leave her family, her friends,
her whole life
—to come here. If she hadn’t come, Walker, if I’d left her alone, like she wanted…if…”

Austin’s voice caught and he couldn’t finish. If he’d left her alone, she’d be happy. Deliriously happy. She’d have her baby. Of course, Austin wouldn’t be a part of their lives, but it would’ve been better that way.

A baby he couldn’t hold was better than no baby at all.

“I did this,” he repeated.

Walker grabbed his shoulders, fingers digging in until pinpricks of pain broke through Austin’s internal agony. “Listen to me. You did not do this. You are not responsible.”

Austin shook his head, unable to look his older brother in the eye.

“You know this,” Walker pressed. “
You know this.
This land, Austin, it gives and it takes away. It took from you this time.”

“Why?
Why?
”

Walker’s grip was firm, solid. It felt like the one thing holding Austin in place right now. “I don’t know,” he told Austin quietly.

“Mom? Dad? Manny? Haven’t we given enough? Haven’t we?”

Walker shook his head. “It doesn’t think like that. And you know that’s true. It doesn’t love like we do. It doesn’t hate, either. It just is, brother. The land just
is
.”

Austin had no strength to argue, but he still felt as though he were being punished, for being too lucky, perhaps, and not grateful enough for it.

When he could stand again on his own, Walker went to fetch their horses. Colter seemed nervous and goose-stepped through Austin’s attempts to mount him. It took several tries for both the horse and the man to calm down enough to work in tandem. Finally settled, Austin and Walker turned back to start the long ride home.

They passed the dip in the valley that flooded every few years. Austin could predict which years the waters would rise, he knew so much about this land and its cycles but he never saw this coming. He felt helpless and blind.

As the original cabin came into view, a shiver passed over him, driving the damp from his clothes into his bones. This was the place where his family had started. Where his ancestor had brought the love of his life, his soul mate, his woman when the world was against them. Kit Barlow had gotten Rafaela pregnant to keep her. He hadn’t kept her because she was pregnant.

Austin’s hand tightened on the reins, as though he were holding onto Leah,
could
hold onto her. It was then that he realized he couldn’t let her go. The land had taken from them, but maybe it would give something back, and even if it didn’t, they’d still have each other. He pulled on Colter’s reins, causing the horse to pivot away from the cabin suddenly. Austin kicked him into trot, then they put on a burst of speed.

“What are you doing?” Walker called, kicking Nero as well and scrambling after him.

“
I’m going to get her
,” Austin vowed as he headed rode away from the old cabin and toward the homestead.

“Austin,” said Walker, nudging Nero again to keep up. He reached out a large hand to try and grab Colter’s reins.

Austin spurred on his horse, veering away from his older brother’s reach. He wasn’t certain what Walker saw but he could imagine—a wild man on a horse half wild with the excitement of the hard pace. Austin
felt
wild…and devastated…and, above all,
determined
. “I am not going to lose her, too!” he shouted against the wind whipping his face. “I’m not. I won’t.
She’s mine.
”

Whether Walker was done arguing or just saving it for a more convenient time, the eldest Barlow leaned forward in the saddle, ducked his head, and matched Austin stride for stride as they raced over the lush, green hills, west, with the mountains rising up alongside them.

Sofia, Dakota, and Cassidy were all waiting on the porch with Sofia clutching her rosary and wiping tears with her handkerchief. “Dios mio,” she said gesturing him to her side. “Oh, he’s returned. He’s safe. Espíritu gracias poor mantener a salvo.”

Austin drew the older woman near, kissed the top of her head, then strode past them all to the front door. Upstairs, he threw clothes into a bag, stuffing them in haphazardly, barely zipping it closed. He shouldered the duffel and headed back downstairs.

Walker was waiting in living room, blocking the path to the Big House’s front door.

Austin’s hands clenched into fists, ready to fight if he had to.

To the side, Dakota and Sofia both stood looking worried. Seth was there, too, deep frown lines creasing his face.

“Don’t try to stop me,” Austin warned them, taking a step toward the exit.

“I’m not going to,” Walker replied.

“Then move,” Austin snapped. His chest felt tight, slightly panicked. He just wanted to be with Leah, to hold her, to feel her against him.

Walker stepped entirely in front him, though, cutting him off.

Austin let the duffel slip down his shoulder. It landed on the hardwood floor with a thump. “I swear to G—”

Walker held up his closed hand. “I don’t need this, but you do,” he declared evenly. “Take it.” The man’s large hand opened to reveal a glittering ring—Mom’s ring—her engagement diamond.

Austin blinked down at the offering then glanced at Dakota, who looked stricken. He turned back to his brother. “Walker—” he half-whispered.

“
Take it
,” Walker insisted with a sharp shake of his head.

Dakota said nothing but Austin could practically feel the tension in the room. Sofia silently reached down and took hold of her daughter’s hand. Austin had never seen Dakota cry, not once in their entire lives, and he hoped to God it wasn’t going to happen now.

Walker didn’t need it? What the hell did
that
mean? Of course he did!
Of course
Walker and Dakota were going to need the ring, were going to end all this nonsense, were going to get married. He was the oldest. It had been left to him.

Austin started to protest but Walker grabbed his wrist, twisted it gently, and dropped the ring into Austin’s palm before closing Austin’s own fingers around it.