Maternal Instinct (30 page)

"Who haven't you talked to?"

"I've leaned heavier on the ones I see as possible suspects," he admitted. "Uh … I should talk to the receptionist again. The one that quit after the shooting."

"Receptionists and secretaries tend to notice things," Nell agreed. "Talk to the one who was out of work that day, too, if you haven't. She came back to work, didn't she? She might have heard somebody talking later."

He'd forgotten about her. Careless, he thought, irritated with himself. He needed to go back to Ryman's ex-wife, too, and the few friends the dead man had had. He'd been focusing too intensely on the Joplin Building. Motives could be found elsewhere.

"Thanks," he said, his mouth against her hair. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"I'm not." Her voice was husky, and she shifted in a way that stilled his breath. "Want to think about something else for a while?"

He ran his hand over her sleek back to the curve of her hip. "Wouldn't mind," he said roughly.

She pushed herself up onto her elbow, bending her head to kiss his chest. When she found the nubbin of his nipple, she licked it with seductive purpose. Hugh waited, enjoying the featherlight touch of her lips as she moved up, kissing his neck, nibbling at his jaw, rubbing her cheek against his.

At last he caught the back of her head in one hand and met her mouth for a slow, deep kiss.

"
Mmm
," she murmured when she surfaced. "Nice."

"Mm-hm." He nipped her earlobe. "Have I mentioned how much I like having you in my bed every night?"

She stiffened, then relaxed so quickly he almost wondered if he'd imagined that instant of tension. "No," she said in a sultry voice, as she nuzzled kisses along his cheek, over the bridge of his nose, against his closed eyes. "But you can tell me any time."

He'd been simmering until then. Suddenly, he was at a hard boil.

He rolled her onto her back and parted her thighs, stroking the dampness between. Almost harshly, he said, "I can't get enough of you."

"Good," she whispered, reaching up to pull his head down to hers. One frantic, heated kiss later, he entered her in a long thrust that felt better than a lifetime of casual sex.

He wouldn't get enough of her this time, either. But trying felt damn good.

Nell walked in
the door the next day to the sound of the TV from the living room. "Kim?"

"I'm in here, Mom."

Nell stuck her head in. "Hey. Want to go out for dinner?"

Kim, who was painting her toenails, looked up. "What about Hugh?"

"He called me on my cell phone and said he won't be home for a couple of hours. He needs to talk to some people who didn't have time during the day."

Kim was used to a police officer's long hours. "Where do you want to go?"

"How about La Hacienda?"

The teenager bent like a pretzel to blow on her toenails. "Did you win the lottery or something?"

"I wish." Nell sighed. "I just don't feel like cooking."

"Okay. Let me dry."

Turning to leave the room, Nell hesitated. "Do you want to invite Colin?"

She expected a,
Cool! Can I?

"I'd rather we just go by ourselves," Kim said nonchalantly. "It seems like we never do anymore."

As if Kim would have cared three months ago.

Hiding her shock, Nell excused herself to go upstairs and change.

The Mexican restaurant wasn't over a mile away. Mother and daughter were seated in a booth in a quiet corner. After ordering, they reached for chips and dipped them in the spicy salsa.

"You haven't said much about school," Nell said to get the conversation rolling.

"It's okay." Kim shrugged. "I have Mr. Jonson again for math. You know that. Um … I like the new Spanish teacher better, after he got over being scared of us. World History … boring. It's like, straight out of the textbook. I could skip class and ace every test. Why can't they offer an AP level class for juniors? Oh," she added, before Nell could comment, "Did I tell you I signed up to take the PSAT?"

Nell and she talked about school until their entrees arrived. Reaching for a tortilla to layer her first fajita, Nell said casually, "I haven't seen Colin lately."

Kim concentrated on her enchilada. "We haven't exactly broken up, but we're … I don't know. Not seeing each other as much, I guess."

Nell's jaw dropped open. "Why?"

Kim lifted her head and met her mother's eyes defiantly. "Do you really want to know?"

Nell actually hesitated. Sometimes, for a parent, ignorance was bliss. But this time, she had to know.

"Yes."

"He wanted to have sex," Kim said loudly. Red suffused her cheeks and she stole a look around. Fortunately, the booths to each side were empty. "I didn't," she said, more softly.

Yes.

Nell tried very hard to hide her surge of delight and triumph. "He isn't willing to wait until you're ready?"

"He says he is, but then he keeps trying to, um, get me to go further when we're making out." Beet red now, Kim was mumbling. "And he seems mad when I stop him."

Nell studied her daughter's face. "I'm glad you didn't hurry into anything."

Kim squirmed. "The thing is, I don't want to get pregnant. And … I know there's birth control, but what if it doesn't work? No offense, Mom, but I don't want to puke for months like you did, and then start looking, um, kind of fat."

Nell blinked. Well! Way to flatten her ego. Under the circumstances, however, she didn't even feel a sting.

"I was afraid, when I got pregnant the way I did, that I'd set such a bad example you'd probably do the same," she confessed. "I never dreamed you'd look at me and realize you
didn't
want to do the same."

"Why weren't you taking the pill or something?" Kim asked.

"Why would I? I wasn't even dating—" She braked, realizing she'd forgotten for a moment that Kim assumed she and Hugh had been seeing each other.

"Mom!" Eyes saucer wide, the teenager looked shocked and fascinated at the same time. "You mean, it was kind of like a one-night stand? How did it happen?"

Some things, in Nell's opinion, were not meant to be shared with children, even ones old enough to have sex themselves. However, she seemed to have talked herself into a corner.

Mercifully, the waiter brought refills on their drinks just then and she had a reprieve. Once they were alone again, however, Kim prodded, "Mom?"

Reluctantly, Nell admitted, "It was the night after the shooting at the Joplin Building. Some of us went to the Green Lantern afterward and had a few beers. They really went to my head. It just, um, happened. In the morning I couldn't believe what I'd done." She made a face. "I still can't believe what I did!"

"But you're a mother! And too old to…" Kim was smart enough to know when she'd
misstepped
. "Not too old for … you know. I mean, too mature to do something really dumb."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Nell said with a sigh. "Apparently I never learn my lesson."

"But now you're married and everything." Kim's brow creased. "If you guys weren't even dating … um, why did you get married?"

Nell tried to smile. "I suppose, for the baby. Hugh wants to be more than an every-other-weekend father. And I guess I wasn't sure I wanted to face raising a baby alone again. You're here to help now," she added, forestalling Kim's protest, "but you won't be for long."

"I could just go to the community college and live at home," her daughter said nobly.

Her smile held all the love and pride Nell felt. "This mistake was mine. Thank you for offering, but I want the best for you. College should be exciting, a time to … spread your wings. Not rush home from classes to change diapers for your little brother or sister."

"I wouldn't mind."

Nell reached across the table and squeezed Kim's hand. "But I would," she said quietly.

Instead of looking pleased, Kim had a troubled expression. "But … do you
want
to be married to Hugh?"

"Do you not like him?" Nell asked.

"No! I mean, yes! He's totally cool. He treats me like a real person, not a kid. You know? But
I'm
not the one who has to be married to him."

"You know, I didn't
have
to marry him." Nell thought the time was right for a small confession. "I think I secretly wanted to. I've always had, um, kind of a crush on him, even when I believed I didn't like him."

"Oh." Her daughter nodded wisely. "So that's why, when you had the chance, you, um…"

Had foolish, unprotected, glorious sex with him. "Yes," Nell said hastily.

"Is that how you know you're in love?" Kim looked at her mother earnestly. "When you really, really want him?"

They had a mother-daughter chat about the difference between lust and true love, which Nell privately thought she was ill-qualified to give, considering the circumstances of her marriage. In
principle
she knew you could want a man desperately even if he was a jerk. In practice, she had been incredibly lucky—lust had gotten her into trouble, but Hugh was a fine man who had been all too easy for her to fall in love with.

Her emotions were bittersweet when she thought,
lucky, that is, except for the fact that he hadn't really wanted to marry her, despite his having said the right things.

At the end, Nell said, "I think you'll have the judgment to know when you should go on birth control. You don't have to tell me."

Kim's smile glowed. "Thanks, Mom. I don't think I'd mind telling you, actually. But you know," she mopped up sauce with a corner of tortilla, "I think I'll wait until college, at least."

Nell pushed away her plate. "I scared you, huh?"

Kim laughed. "It's not like you look that awful or anything, but … yeah. You really did."

Nell actually felt a sting of tears in her eyes. "I'm glad," she admitted, and had to sniff. "Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?"

"I kinda figured," her pretty, too grown up daughter said placidly. "I love you, too, Mom."

"Despite everything," Nell said with faint surprise, "I kinda knew that, too."

"Blow your nose," Kim suggested. "Here comes the waiter."

Nell busied herself counting out money for the bill and a tip. It wasn't until they were on their way home that Kim said unexpectedly, "Hugh worries about you."

Nell turned her head, but with only occasional illumination from streetlamps, she couldn't make out her daughter's expression. "Worries?"

"Yeah. He always asks how you are, whether you've been sick, or look too tired or something."

"This is his baby, too."

Kim was watching her now. "I don't think it's the baby he's thinking about. It's you."

She opened her mouth to argue again, then decided against it. "That's nice," she said, in a woman's classic meaningless response.

"Do you love him?" Kim's tone comprised a challenge:
If you respect me, like you
say
you do, you'll tell me the truth.

Nell drove a block without even knowing where they were, desperately choosing and discarding possible answers.

In the end, she smiled wryly although she knew Kim couldn't see, and told the simple truth. "Yes, I do."

"Do you tell him?"

"No," Nell said softly. She took a deep breath to keep herself from crying. "Ours was sort of a marriage of convenience. I hope we can make it more than that. But I'm not going to pressure him."

"What if he loves you and doesn't say so for the same reason?"

Later, Nell couldn't remember how she answered. The question itself stuck with her as if it had a surface like a burr that fixed itself in her flesh.