Marshmallow S'More Murder (Merry Wrath Mysteries Book 3) (21 page)

CHAPTER TWO

"We are all dead men on leave."

~Eugene Levine, comedian

The doorbell rang and I automatically checked the monitor in the kitchen. Yes, I had surveillance monitors. Hello? Family hunts us down! Remember?

"Hey, little brother." Despite my weary voice I gave Dakota a vigorous hug.

"You alright?" he asked more with mischief than concern.

"You're joking, right?" And I knew he was. Dak loved Romi almost as much as I did. He just found the whole family of assassins thing amusing most of the time.

"Well, we went through it and survived. Besides, the training is pretty harmless for the first few years."

"Harmless? That's an interesting way to describe turning your kindergartner into a cold-blooded killer."

"Maybe you could write the guidebook!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Turning Your Kindergartner into an Assassin
." Dak laughed in that easy way he had about him. Single and thirty-seven, he was handsome and funny. And I should mention that he was single by choice. Dak, like most of the people in my family, had "commitment issues." Personally, I thought they took the family motto a little too seriously.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah. That would work."
Hey!
Was he calling me a complete idiot?

"Look, Ginny, it's not like you can refuse to go." He looked sideways at me. "You are going, right?"

"Duh! Do you think I'm stupid? Like I'd let you raise and train Romi!"

I loved my brother. We were close. We even collaborated on jobs. He had taken this whole
Prizzi's Honor
lifestyle in stride. After three millennia of contracted kills, the family was extremely wealthy, and we all lived off of huge trust funds. In the past seventy-five years, after some smart investing, no one has had to do more than one or two hits a year. So we all lived comfortably.
And
we got Blue Cross and dental.

Dak eased back in the kitchen chair, rudely devouring my Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. Bastard.

"Look Ginny, it'll be fine. Romi can handle it."

I shook my head. "That's not all I'm worried about."

He stopped eating, and for a moment I thought I might have a few cookies left. "Oh. The other thing. What's up with that?"

"I don't know. You hear anything?"

Dak shook his head. "I heard Uncle Troy almost got busted in Malaysia last year. But he's on the Council, and they don't bust you for
almost
fucking up."

I snatched the Milano bag from him. There was only one left. "Yeah, I haven't heard anything either."

"I guess we just see who shows up and…" He gave a dramatic pause a la Christopher Walken, "…whoever doesn't." (Insert creepy, "dun, dun, dun," music here.)

I looked at him, and not just as treacherous cookie thief. "How can you be so cold? We're talking about our family here!"

"And there's nothing we can do about it until it happens. I just hope it isn't someone we like."

Dak was right. If it had to be someone, I hoped it would be one of the more assholish relations. Everyone has someone like that in their family. Right? There are definitely some folks I wouldn't miss too much.

I picked up my cup of coffee. "We didn't mess up in Chicago, did we?" My mind raced to remember the details.

Dakota shook his head, but seemed disturbed. "No. It was a clean kill. Nice work, by the way."

"Thanks." Our hit had been screwing so many married women that there were plenty of suspects in his death. Of course, we'd done such a good job, the police didn't even consider murder. I smiled, remembering painting the inside of the chain smoking son-of-a-bitch's condoms with pure nicotine (which of course, killed him). That was fun. Rolling each condom up and putting them in the bags so they didn't look "tampered with" on the other hand, was not.

"Maybe it's nothing," I murmured. "Maybe they're going to give us an earlier retirement age." Who was I kidding? Bombays are allowed to retire at fifty-five, although most don't. I mean, Grandma's pushing eighty, and just last week she rubbed out a made man in the Sicilian mob. There's definitely something to be said for loving what you do.

Dak laughed. Pushing a stray lock of sand-colored hair off his forehead, he replied, "Could be Uncle Lou has found a new poison."

I perked up. Poison was my specialty. Everyone in the family had a favorite way of killing people, even though we were required to cross-train. With my brother, it was asphyxiation and/or strangulation. And while I should probably worry about that, it made us a good team because we both liked to make each job resemble death by natural cause. Of course, occasionally we ran out of time and had to leave the scene of the crime with a plastic bag still on the victim's head, but that happened only once when I'd been running late from picking up Romi from preschool. And Romi always came first. I had to have my priorities straight, after all.

Most gigs took place in other parts of the country. We had to maintain discretion. But occasionally, the job had to be local. We were
supposed
to get more time to plan those. Oh well, Murphy's Law, blah, blah, blah.

"I haven't heard any gossip," I said absently.

"Maybe with Delhi turning fifteen, and Alta and Romi turning five, they just want to focus on the ritual?" Dak offered, albeit not helpfully.

"I don't know…they've never done that before." And there it was. My baby would learn about the family. She'd start practicing with the chemistry set and sniper rifle that came standard with the blood oath.
Ooooh
, I hoped she would get the new, tricked-out Remington with laser sites! What? It wasn't different from First Communion, a Bat Mitzvah or Quinceañera. Right?

Dak slapped the table, startling me into spilling my coffee. "Well, there's nothing we can do about it until we get there." He rose and kissed me on the cheek. "I gotta run. I need a new swimsuit for the trip." He punched me in the arm and left with a wink.

I guess I'd have to start packing soon. The reunions were always held at Santa Muerta, a private island the Bombays owned off the coast of Ecuador. Hmmm, the weather would be hot. And as beautiful as it was there, I wasn't sure I wanted the family to see me in a swimsuit.

Who was I kidding? Everyone was going to be way too paranoid to notice I'd put on a few pounds. And then, I thought about Romi.

Picking up the phone, I called my cousin Liv (short for Liverpool, if you're keeping tabs on the place-name thingy. And if anyone had a right to hate her name, Liv took first prize). She answered on the first ring. The Bombays practically invented caller ID.

"You got it?" she asked breathlessly.

"Yup. You?"

"Yeah. I'll be over in five." On that, she hung up.

Actually, she made it in four minutes flat. Assassins really know how to kill time. (Sorry. I couldn't resist.) I let her in and we went into the kitchen, where I poured her an iced tea.

I loved my kitchen. I hated cooking, but I loved the kitchen. Considering that I dealt in death so much, I had filled the room with bright, cheery colors. The paint was yellow, and the curtains and potholders were citrus green. It was the room of my denial. And for me, sometimes denial was better than most orgasms. Not that I had been on the receiving end of an orgasm in a while. Try years…

Liv sipped her tea, then set it down, "I hate this."

I nodded. "Me too."

"I'd say it's not fair, but there's nothing I can do about it."

"Well, we went through it and survived," I mused, realizing I was parroting Dak's words.

Liv shook her head. "I never wanted this for Alta."

"Woody took it in stride…" I started.

She raised her right eyebrow. "I know, but he's a boy. I don't mean to sound sexist, but they're different." She wisely avoided looking at me. (I hated that "boys are different" crap.) "So you're okay with it?"

"Not really. But there's no alternative."

And there wasn't. Things are pretty black and white when your options are either live or die. And as far as I knew, no one had ever tried to get their kid out of the ritual.

Liv tapped her fingers on the counter, her eyes a million miles away. She was gorgeous, kind of in an earth mother/cold-blooded assassiny sort of way with long, black hair, soft brown Bambi eyes (that could turn you into stone when she was pissed off), and no makeup necessary. Who else would name her kids Woodstock and Altamont? She specialized in political kills. Especially neoconservatives. I kind of envied her that. Lately, I'd just been getting crooked lobbyists and tobacco execs. Booooorrring.

Liv and I had always been close. Being the same age will do that. Her husband, Todd, was one of my best friends. He was a great guy, funny and smart. He was laid back, not minding the "family business" at all. Marrying a Bombay hadn't changed him.

"What does Todd think?"

Liv smiled, "He's spent years preparing for this day—the day his baby girl becomes a professionally trained killer. He's more interested in her survival than anything else."

I nodded, "Since we have to do it anyway, maybe we can train them together…you know…ease them into it gently?"

She perked up. "Okay. Maybe we can work something out."

While most women sitting in a kitchen might discuss the weather, local schools, and Oprah, we chatted for about an hour about a new garrote Liv had come up with that didn't leave telltale lines on the victim's throat. Earth-mother beauty or not, that girl was as strong as an ox when it came to throttling someone. We avoided the "other issue" of which family member had a target painted over his or her picture in the Portrait Hall of Santa Muerta. It wasn't really coffee klatch material.

"Let's have lunch tomorrow," she suggested as she ran out the door.

Sure, I thought as I rinsed the glasses in the sink, she had a husband to help ease the guilt. I had to make the decision myself.

What was I thinking? Of course Romi would go and take the blood oath. I wasn't going to risk her life for a simple bloodletting and do-it-yourself murder kit. (Especially if it included the new Remington S-2000.
Yum
.) Besides, it would be ten years till her first kill. So I had some leeway there. I shoved these thoughts aside.

I had something more important to worry about. The reason for the quickie reunion, basically. I did a mental head-count of the thirty-five blooded members of the Bombay clan. But nothing remotely resembling an idea came to me, so I gave up.

I resigned myself to waiting. Well, and mapping out the basement to prepare for Romi's training. I made a list of things I would need: fifty-pound heavy bag, strong piano wire, archery set, mannequins, and night-vision goggles. They were put on the shopping list next to potatoes and milk. I could stash the chemistry set in the corner, near the windows for ventilation. But I didn't have a room long enough to shoot a .22 sniper rifle.

With a sigh, I opened the phone book to find shooting ranges. I had a lot to do today, and finding a swimsuit that would take off twenty pounds simply wasn't on the list.

CHAPTER THREE

"You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style."

~Vladimir Nabokov

Borders Books was, as usual, crowded. I tried the search computers to find a book in the children's area on assassination, but came up blank. I guess that shouldn't have come as a surprise. What did I expect? Titles like,
Harold and the Purple Silencer
,
Good Night Moon…Sleep with the Fishes
, or
Dick & Jane Poison the Federal Witness
?

I ducked into political science and scanned the titles, looking for something simple, like a pictorial guide to assassination. I found one book, but it was all amateur hits like John Lennon, President Ford, and Abraham Lincoln. Oh well, I guess that would have to do. The photos weren't too gory, and they had the Rasputin story (one of my personal faves) in there, so I thought it might work.

"Excuse me," purred a male voice with a thick Australian accent.

"Oh, sorry. I'm in the way." I turned to see who had the delectable, come-hither voice and found myself face to face with the most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.

"No, you're okay. I just wondered what time it was." He smiled, and I melted into an embarrassing, oozing puddle.

"Um," I looked at my wrist, "Eleven-thirty." How's that for sparkling conversation?

He grinned, his eyes wrinkling in the outer corners, and I thought I was gonna die. "Thanks."

Look for a ring! Look for a ring!
I had the ability to observe things so discreetly no one knew I existed. Unfortunately, hot Aussies tripped up my mojo. I was convinced he saw me look at the ring finger of his left hand.

"Sure. Anytime."
Anytime? What the hell does that mean?
I wouldn't mind running into him anytime, but I was making no sense.
Mental note—don't accept jobs where you have to hit men who have accents.

The God-Among-Men (I had the habit of giving people names with a Navajo kind of ring to them.) laughed and walked away. I just stared with my jaw open until he disappeared. Grace Kelly, I was not.

An hour later, nestled in the corner of the café with a huge slice of Death by Chocolate cheesecake (I love that name.) and a large mocha latte, I found myself wondering if I really could kill someone with chocolate cheesecake. No, that would be a waste of perfectly good chocolate. Most of my hits didn't deserve to die so richly.

"Interesting books you have there." The Aussie was back.

I looked around. No, he was definitely talking to me!

"May I join you?" he asked, "There are no other open tables, and I'm intrigued by your reading list."

I nodded like a bobble-head doll, and he pulled up a chair.

"Diego Jones." He held out his right hand, and I took it.

"Ginny Bombay." I returned his shake, and felt my cheeks go hot as he examined my boobs…I mean books.

"
Political Assassination
,
Assassination through History
,
Encyclopedia of Assassins
," he read through the titles casually, "and
Assassination Vacation
?" He held up one book.

"Oh, that's by Sarah Vowell. She's one of my favorite writers." It was true. I'd loaned my copy to Dak, and he'd promptly lost it. It was a very funny book about her pilgrimages to presidential assassination locales. I liked funny.

"So," Diego began, "Ginny Bombay?"

I braced myself to hear the same joke I'd heard for the past…well hell, all my life.

"Would that be short for Virginia?"

What? A real conversation with no joke regarding the implied alcoholic content of my name? I should jump him before he realized what an idiot I was.

"Wow. You're good. Most people come up with something far more lame when I introduce myself."

Diego laughed again. "Not me. My mum was eccentric in choosing her kids' names too."

"Oh, really?" I tried to act casual as I unwittingly sprinkled salt into my latte.

Diego raised one eyebrow. I casually set down the salt shaker as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Mum was an artist back in Sydney. She had a thing for the Mexican muralist, Diego Rivera. My sister got it worse. She's Frida Kahlo Jones."

I laughed. "My family is hung up on place names. My brother is Dakota and my mom is Carolina."

He chuckled, with those delightful wrinkles at the outer corners of his eyelids. I tried very hard not to swoon. At least, not obviously. He was perfection. Dark, wavy hair, cool James Dean sideburn slivers, smiling blue eyes and the most gorgeous white teeth.

Diego took a forkful of salad and I fantasized about being that fork—especially having his tongue slide over my tines.

"So why this particular subject?" He gestured toward my tower-o-terror.

Fortunately, I wasn't too distracted. I went into cover mode, telling the story I'd used for years. "I'm in executive protection. Just occupational curiosity, I guess." Claiming to be a bodyguard had worked well for me over the years. It explained my bizarre reading habits and chaotic work schedule. Yep, my cover had always been 100% reliable and unshakeable.

"No kidding? That's what I do!" Diego grinned.

Okay, not so unshakeable. "Really?" I asked, hoping he was teasing me. I'd never met any bodyguards in person before. I usually just had to slip around them unnoticed. Well, there had been that one time when Dak and I had gotten jobs
protecting
our hit. That had been hysterically ironic.

Diego nodded. "Absolutely. Whom do you work for?"

Calm down, Gin. Just use the patented answer.
"A motivational speaker on the East Coast. You?" Nice transition.

"I've worked for political clients mostly." He went on to name a number of senators, mayors of major cities, and the like. He seemed legit. I was just grateful none of the names had been on my list in previous years. "So I understand your area of interest." He pointed to the books. "I'm kind of an assassination nut myself."

I leaned back in my chair, appraising the situation. That was what we did, by the way—appraise situations. You didn't think we just barged in and gunned people down, did you? No, that'd be soooo Squeaky Fromme. I decided that Diego was definitely safe to talk to, and certainly a candidate for some killer sex.

"So what's your favorite assassination in history?" I asked. I never got to ask civilians this question. This could be fun.

Diego looked to his right, deep in thought. "I guess it would have to be Kennedy. All that conspiracy stuff is pretty interesting."

I smiled. I knew who had been on the grassy knoll that day. Assassination tales had been my bedtime stories.

"Too recent for me," I responded. "I like the questionable cases too, but further back. I prefer Philip of Macedon."

"Ah." His gravelly accent sent shivers down my spine. "Murdered at his daughter's wedding reception. I thought they knew who did that."

No one knew that. Well, except the thirty-five members of the Bombay family. It had been on a test we had to take when we turned ten. Let's just say that another guy took the fall for that particular assassination. Rule #1: If you can make it look like someone else did it, go for it.

"That's what some historians think."

"And you know the truth?" Diego-My-Love responded. I pictured myself licking every square inch of his body.

"Of course not," I said. "That's what makes it my favorite."

"I like you, Ginny Bombay." Diego leaned back in his seat. "You're not like other women."

You have no idea.
"Sure I am," I said. "Just like all the other female bodyguards you meet at Borders."

Diego shook his head. "No. You actually eat." He pointed to my dessert. "And I've never seen anyone salt their latte before."

My mind scrambled for purchase on slippery thoughts, "Oh, that. I do that to counter all the sweet stuff." Nice try. But the latte was terrible with salt in it. Really, don't try it. Assassin fun fact #1: Did you know you could kill someone with a simple overdose of table salt?

"I hate it when women eat only salads and fruit. It's not right," Darling Diego continued.

"Well, you know what Erma Bombeck said," I responded. "Never turn down dessert. Think of those poor women on the
Titanic
who waved away the dessert cart."

Diego laughed. It was amazing. I made him laugh. It was the most incredible feeling of euphoria, and I wondered how I could get him to do it again.

"Just one thing," he asked. "Who's Erma Bombeck?"

I rolled my eyes. "A female writer. She was very funny."

"I don't care who she is," he said, "I'm just happy to see a woman who enjoys her cake."

I chose not to be offended by the remarks of the future Mr. Ginny Bombay. "Good. Now prove you're not a hypocrite and go get yourself one." I pointed to his salad and whole grain bagel with veggie cream cheese. "Cuz that is not food."

He leaned forward, eyes twinkling. "Only if you will wait for me." I think I nodded or something because he laughed and walked to the counter. I'm pretty sure it took all my faculties not to be naked when he returned.

And so for the next two hours, Diego and I had a great time. We talked about nothing really, and yet the conversation seemed so profound. At least, I think it was. It was all I could do not to hit him over the head and drag his unconscious body to the nearest hotel. Not that I'd ever done that.

Imagine my horror when I looked up at the clock (the only time I took my eyes off him, I might add) and saw I had only ten minutes to pick up Romi from school.

"Shit! I've gotta run!" I said gracefully, as I shoved my books back into the bag.

"Wait," Diego protested. "Here's my card. Call me and I'll take you to dinner."

"Deal!" I shouted behind me as I ran from the store. I slipped the card into my pocket, threw my things into the minivan, and raced to Kennedy Elementary.

Romi ran from the door of the building into my arms. She weighed next to nothing but always managed to knock me back a few steps. I didn't mind. In fact, her strength would be a benefit to her training.
Did I really just think that?

"Virginia!" A booming contralto filled the air. I watched as the other parents scattered as soon as they heard the woman's voice. Cowards.

Great. Vivian Marcy. I really hated that bitch. President of the PTA, member of the School Board, and for some reason, Romi's Room Mom. I had grown up with Vivian Marcy. We'd been in the same class in school, and she'd been an evil witch there too. For YEARS I'd prayed she would turn up on my hit list.

Unfortunately, Vivian still hadn't pissed off anyone enough to warrant a death contract. On several occasions, I thought of taking one out on her myself, but figured I'd get busted. Bombays aren't allowed to come up with the targets, unless it's family. Still, hope springs eternal.

I knew I wasn't the only one who hated her. Since childhood she had spread her withering gaze like a thick layer of rancid mayonnaise. (Hey! That kinda rhymes!) The bitch dominated everyone around her. I had stood up to her once, early in my elementary school years. She'd managed to spread the rumor that I had syphilis cooties. None of the other second graders had known what that was, but they were convinced they'd catch it if they talked to me. So I'd punched Vivian in the nose at recess. The next day, she came down with a raging case of chicken pox, or as my classmates insisted—syphilis cooties.

While I'd enjoyed the fact that kids had been afraid of me, let's just say I didn't get a lot of play dates. Fortunately, I'd had Dak and Liv.

My dream hit would be to give Vivian syphilis cooties. A real mean, permanently scarring kind that would give her eternal body odor and halitosis. Of course it doesn't exist, but I keep the candle of hope burning.

"Well," Vivian said as she closed in, "if it isn't Virginia. Just who I was looking for."

'SCUSE ME WHILE I KILL THIS GUY

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