Marrying Daisy Bellamy (26 page)

No. The denial leapt up inside her, but she stifled it. She did desperately crave a private reunion with Julian. However, that didn't mean she was entitled to one. Her status was different now than it had been the last time she'd seen Julian. She wasn't his fiancée anymore. She was someone else's wife. Welcoming Julian home would be an entirely different experience from the one she had imagined so long ago when they'd said goodbye.

“I'll get Charlie,” she said.

“Have you told him?” Logan asked.

She was startled to hear a waver of uncertainty in his voice. Of course he was uncertain. Who wouldn't be, under the circumstances?

“I'll explain to him as best I can right now,” she said. “And Logan?”

“Yeah.”

“Just so you know—I meant what I said at the office, earlier. I'm married to you now.”

She saw his shoulders tense up and wondered why he didn't seem reassured. “We'll be ready in ten minutes,” she said and hurried to find Charlie.

Logan grabbed another piece of bread from the basket on the table.

In the family room, she switched off the TV.

“Hey,” Charlie protested.

“Hey yourself. There's been a change of plans. That was a rerun anyway.”

“It's my fave.”

“I can think of something you'll like better. Come upstairs, and I'll tell you about it while we get ready.”

He was intrigued enough to follow along.

Daisy had no idea what to wear. She didn't want to look dressed up, or as if she was trying too hard. On the other hand, she didn't want to look as if she didn't care.

Of course she cared. She cared with every inch of her heart.

“What do you remember about Julian?” she asked her son.

“When I was little, I called him Daddy-boy. You were going to get married to him but he got killed in the air force.”

Daisy could not for the life of her figure out why this kid kept failing in school. He had a mind like a steel trap.

“Everybody believed that's what happened,” she said. “I believed it, and so did the air force and his brother, Connor.”

She culled through the rack in her closet. Maybe the aqua-colored top. No, that had been a gift from Logan, who had surprisingly good taste in women's clothes.

The coral-colored one, then, she decided, with the fluttery sleeves. She stepped into the bathroom and slipped it on, then grabbed her makeup bag from a drawer. Charlie was lining up the framed family pictures on the big bureau.

“We found out today that there was a terrible mistake. Julian didn't get killed after all. He survived, and now he's home in Avalon.”

Charlie blinked, but didn't seem shocked at all. “Where is he?”

“At my cousin Olivia's house. We've been invited to go see him right away. Is that okay with you?”

“Will he remember me?”

“Of course. You were a lot smaller last time he saw you.” She sat down at the vanity and unzipped her makeup bag. Go light on the makeup, she reminded herself. She brushed on powder, added a hint of blush. Mascara and lip gloss. She brushed her hair, then stood up.

“You got all dressed up,” Charlie said. “Do I have to dress up?”

“I'm not dressed up. It seems fitting to look nice for a guy who—”

A horn sounded.

“Your dad's ready to go,” she said.

 

After dinner, during which Julian had shoved down three helpings of everything, he went through a storage box he'd left in Connor's garage before shipping out.

The contents were mundane—photographs and keep-sakes, civilian clothes, some favorite books, a baseball mitt, other sports equipment.

“Thanks for not getting rid of my stuff,” he said to his brother.

“Thanks for coming back for it,” said Connor with a grin.

In the guest room where he would sleep that night, Julian changed into some jeans from the storage box, a softly faded Cornell sweatshirt and a pair of sneakers. The jeans fit loosely, but it was good to wear his own clothes at last. It made him feel more like himself.

There was a shoebox full of cards, postcards, pictures and letters from Daisy, a correspondence that dated back to high school. He studiously avoided that box. He'd
probably never throw it out, but he would never look at it, either.

Hearing the slam of the car door, he looked out the window to see that she had arrived. His heart tried to pound its way out of his chest. God, she looked so beautiful. There were a lot of things that were different about her—the short haircut, clothes he didn't recognize—to remind him of how much time had passed. Then again, certain things about her were timeless, like the way she walked and the tilt of her head as she headed toward the house. And that face, those eyes… He'd seen them in his dreams, every night. Her face looked older—more mature.

Then someone else got out of the car—Logan. Her husband. He exited the late-model SUV, followed by Charlie and Blake, the dog. They were a family now. It was obvious.

Charlie patted his thigh and called to the dog.

Charlie. Could that half-grown boy be Charlie? Julian's heart expanded almost painfully as he hurried down the stairs and out onto the porch. He tried to pull himself up short, but his aching arms, with a mind of their own, grabbed Daisy and swept her into a hug. He nearly came undone at the smell of her hair and the feel of her in his embrace. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he became aware that this could—and should—be the last time they touched. The girl was married now. Married.

He let go and stepped back. In spite of everything, he could not stave off a smile. “Surprise,” he said.

“Yes, surprise.” She was crying—hard, between gulps of laughter—but he could see her taking deep breaths, trying to hold herself together. Julian turned to
Logan and stuck out his hand. “Hey, good to see you,” he said.

“Yeah, welcome back,” Logan replied.

They used to be arch enemies. Rivals for Daisy's affections. Now the enmity was gone because Logan had already won. Besides, compared to the things Julian had endured over the past two years, the fight with Logan was a cakewalk. Since that time, Julian had learned a thing or two about patience and forbearance.

“Hey, Charlie,” he said. “Remember me?”

The kid eyed him bashfully, though a smile flickered on his lips. He was still really cute, but he was definitely a boy, not a baby.

“I remember,” he said. “You gave us Blake.”

At the sound of her name, the dog pranced around.

“Come on inside,” Olivia called from the porch. “I have cherry pie for dessert.”

“You like cherry pie?” Julian asked Charlie.

“Everybody likes cherry pie.” Charlie's smile appeared again and this time stayed in place long enough for Julian to spot a missing front tooth.

They all headed inside. Blake trotted over and tried to get Barkis to play, but the older dog growled and ignored her. Zoe had better luck with Charlie. “Come sit by me for pie,” she crowed, regarding him as though he'd invented sunshine.

Julian tried not to be too obvious about watching Daisy, but he couldn't keep his eyes off her. She appeared to be having the same problem because their gazes kept meeting, glancing away, meeting again.

“I can't believe you're here,” she said.

“Feels like I've been away forever,” he said, “down a rabbit hole somewhere while the world went on without
me. I know for sure they didn't have cherry pie where I was.”

“The pie is from the Sky River Bakery,” Zoe said.

“No wonder it's so good.”

“Where were you, Julian?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, where were you?” Zoe echoed.

“Far away in a place called Colombia. I was lost for a long time, but now I'm back.”

The situation felt almost mundane. It seemed both normal and strange to Julian, sitting around the kitchen table, eating pie. He kept feeling Daisy's attention like a physical touch. It both bothered and excited him. Married, he kept telling himself. The girl is married. Some lines were not to be crossed.

He got up to take the dishes away, and Daisy jumped up to help.

“How about a game of war?” Olivia asked, naming a favorite card game.

“Yeah!” Charlie said, punching the air. “You be on my team, Dad.”

“You betcha,” said Logan.

“I'll get the cards,” Olivia said.

“Let's go outside,” Daisy murmured to Julian. “Okay?”

He didn't say a word but headed out to the back porch. Olivia and Connor had a beautiful place. They had designed the house to fit into the landscape beside the river that rushed down from the hills to the lake. The back porch faced an upward slope with meadows and sugar maples, bisected by a cold spring. Julian used to spend hours imagining his life with Daisy, and it had looked a lot like this. It was fully dark, though the moon was so bright that the trees cast shadows across the lawn.

“I told Logan I would need some time with you. He understands.”

No, he doesn't, thought Julian, but he didn't say so aloud. What he wants is for me to still be dead. And I don't blame the guy. Nobody in his right mind would want his wife's dead fiancé back in the picture.

Daisy stood with her back to the porch railing. “You're a miracle,” she said. “A miracle man.”

“I wish you wouldn't say that. Too much of a reputation to live up to. Like, what would I do for an encore, walk on water?”

“Don't do anything,” she said. “Just be safe.”

“I'm safe now.”

She nodded, inhaled shakily. He could sense she was teetering on the brink of tears again. He still knew her well enough to tell.

“Don't go crying on me now,” he warned, gripping the porch rail to stop himself from touching her.

“I'm trying not to,” she said. “Lord knows, I've cried a river for you, Julian Gastineaux.”

“Until I found my way back to Palanquero Air Base last Thursday, I didn't know what you'd been told. I had no idea the chopper went down. I feel bad that you had to go through thinking I'd died with the rest of the crew.”

He tried to imagine what it might be like, getting the news that the love of your life, the person you'd planned on marrying, was dead.

“I'm sorry about the crew,” she said. “Were you close?”

“Like brothers.” There was so much more he wished he could tell her, but he held back. He wasn't at liberty to share his heart with her, not now.

“I'm so sorry, Julian. It's horrible. Just know…you'll heal. You'll never be the same, but you'll heal.”

“That's the plan,” he said quietly. “How about yourself? How are you?”

“No one could make it less horrible, but everyone was really kind and thoughtful to me,” she said.

And was Logan kind and thoughtful? Julian wondered. How long did he wait before making his move?

“I loved you so much,” she whispered. “And that didn't simply stop when they told me you'd been killed. I came to believe that love never dies. I'll always have you in my heart, no matter what else happens. That's what finally led me out of the fog. For Charlie's sake, for my own sanity, I had to quit grieving and start living my life.”

“I know that, Daisy. I do. I respect it. And now I need you to listen, because I'm only going to say this once. You have to understand, all this time, I loved you more every single day. Most days, the thought of seeing you again was the one thing that kept me alive. I survived because you gave me something to come home to.”

She gasped softly, her face showing a terrible mixture of hopelessness and joy. “I understand. But while you were doing that, I was grieving. And it was hell for me. Finally I had to put myself together. I
buried
you, Julian. There was nothing else I could do.”

He winced and wished he didn't hear the hurt in her voice. Before he'd left, they had talked about it. They'd had the hard conversation every soldier was required to hold with his loved ones before deployment. He'd told her to live her life, find joy and love. He'd written her that letter, to be delivered in the event of his death, urging her to move on. Yet it had all been so theoretical, abstract, something he couldn't imagine actually coming to pass.

“I can't take back a decision I made when I believed
you were gone forever,” she said in a voice thick with tears.

“True,” he conceded. “I'd never ask you to.”

“I'm sorry,” she said, the words seeming wrenched from her. “I'm so sorry. From the first time I met you, all I ever wanted was to be with you. And yet I kept screwing things up. I got pregnant and my life did a one-eighty away from you. We went down different paths. And then, when it finally looked as if we were going to get it right, I lost you again.”

“There's nothing I can say to that. We both did what we did. Nobody's at fault here.”

“I want to know what happened to you,” she said. “That is, if you can talk about it. I mean, if you want to…”

“It's a long story. Grim in parts.” He said no more but wished he could.

“I'm a good listener,” she prompted. “You know I am.”

“I do know. But it's not going to happen.”

“What do you mean? I can handle it, Julian.” Something—irritation?—edged her voice. “If I can survive the news of your death, I can probably deal with the story of your survival.”

“No doubt,” he said, trying to find a way to explain himself. “Listen, when you were going to be my wife, I would have felt okay, burdening you with my shit.”

“I wouldn't be burdened.”

“Just hear me out, okay? We don't have each other anymore. Now that you're…” He didn't know what she was. His ex? His former widow? “Now that everything's changed, we can't be having conversations like that. Or even ones like this.”

She swiped the back of her hand across her cheek.
With every cell of his body, he wanted to draw her close, to whisper that everything was going to be okay. He couldn't. He had no guarantee that
any
thing was going to be okay.