Authors: Carl Weber
Married Men (15 page)
“Not yet anyway,” Jay said sarcastically. “Not yet.”
“Not ever,” I said, hitting the accelerator.
We pulled up to the TWA terminal at Kennedy Airport, and Kyle was standing out front next to three large suitcases. He was wearing a traditional African dashiki with a matching kuffee. His arms were folded across his chest, and a frown darkened his face. I was not about to take the blame for making him wait like this.
“You know he’s pissed we’re late.” If there was one thing that had always bugged Kyle, it was people who were not on time. Unfortunately that was Jay’s trademark.
“Man, what was I supposed to do? Kenya wouldn’t let me leave without givin’ her some.” Jay opened his door and smiled. “What up, dawg?”
Kyle tried to hold back a smile, but he couldn’t. “What’s up, Jay?” The two of them embraced as I walked around the car.
“Sorry were late, Kyle.” I smiled at him.
“Don’t worry about it, bro, I know it wasn’t your fault.” Kyle gave a sideways glance to Jay. “I bet if I was some woman you wouldn’t be late, would you?”
“Well, you damn sure ain’t no woman.” Jay lifted the bags and placed them in the trunk.
“Hey, where’s Wil?” Kyle asked as he slipped into the front passenger seat.
“He’s at the hospital. Diane had a baby girl last night,” I told him.
“I guess I’m gonna have to go to check him out after I see the girls.”
“Yeah, he told me to tell you to call him.”
As we drove out of the maze they call Kennedy Airport, we were all silent until Kyle finally spoke.
“Man, I can’t tell you how good it is to be home.”
“It’s good to have you home,” Jay said.
“So are you gonna tell us where the hell you’ve been, or what?” I glanced over at him.
“Yeah, I guess I owe you guys that much,” Kyle answered. “I was in Africa.”
Jay burst out laughing, “What the fuck was you doin’ there? Tryin’ to find yourself?”
Kyle turned to Jay, expressionless. “Yeah, Jay, that’s exactly what I was tryin’ to do. Why, you got a problem with that?”
“Nah, man, I was just askin’.” Kyle always did have a knack for putting Jay in his place.
“Look, I’m not tryin’ to start no shit, but I do got a problem with it,” I announced. Kyle looked at me in disbelief as I explained. “We’re supposed to be your boys. You could’ve told us you were leaving. Obviously you got some kinda problem. Maybe we coulda helped.”
“You’re right, Al. I should have told you.” Kyle lowered his head. “But there are some things a man has to do on his own.”
“So what’s up? Did you find what you was lookin’ for or what?” Jay asked.
“To be honest with you, Jay, the only thing I found was that everything I was looking for is right here in New York.”
At that point, the ride became silent. I think all of us, including Kyle, were trying to figure out exactly what he meant by his last statement.
11
Kyle
Allen pulled his Maxima into my driveway and turned to me with a solemn look. After he and Jay picked me up at the airport, we made a quick stop at my apartment to drop off my bags, then headed over to the house so I could see my kids. Allen had been more than a little upset to find out I’d rented my own place. And believe me, for a guy that hates to argue, he sure let me know how he felt.
“You want us to go in with you?” Jay asked from the back seat.
“Yeah, bro, why don’t we go in with you?” Allen had already taken off his seatbelt. Although he was probably sincere, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to go in to support me or to find out why I left Lisa.
“No, this is something I have to do by myself,” I told them.
I sighed heavily as I opened the car door. It had been over four weeks since I’d seen my family, and I missed my girls terribly. Truth is, I started missing Lisa too, once those horrible dreams stopped. I just didn’t miss her as a husband misses his wife, but more as one friend would miss another. To use an old cliché, I loved Lisa, but I wasn’t in love with her anymore. As I stepped out of the car, I said goodbye to Allen. I really appreciated that he was there to support me.
“Hey, Kyle. Sorry about the way I acted back at your new place. It’s just that if you and Lisa can’t make it, what chance do me and Rose have?” Allen asked sincerely.
I didn’t answer him, ’cause I didn’t have an answer. For his sake, I hoped Allen and Rose worked out, but in the back of my mind I gave them a year, tops.
“I know you’re not ready to talk yet, but whenever you are, I’m here for you.” Jay stepped out of the car and gave me a one-arm hug.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, watching him get into the front seat.
As they pulled off, I walked to the front door of my house. I had butterflies in my stomach, and perspiration was forming on my forehead. I was more than a little nervous about what kind of reaction Lisa would have to my sudden reappearance. I was about to coward out and go back to my apartment, but Allen had pulled off and was headed down the street.
At that point I had no choice but to face the music. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one to calm my nerves. I smiled, releasing the smoke as I listened to my girls playing on the other side of the door. Hearing their laughter made me put all concern for their mother’s reaction behind me. I dropped the cigarette, crushing it with my foot as I rang the bell. I was greeted by Lisa’s best friend, Karen.
“Oh, my God. What are you doin’ here?” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m here to see my family,” I said humbly. I could tell she was about to say something smart, but my two youngest daughters interrupted.
“Daddy!” They ran over to me, and I scooped them up in one huge bear hug. I kissed both of them, trying my best to hold back the tears. There is no way to describe how good it felt to hold them again.
“I missed you guys.”
“We missed you too, Daddy,” they said in unison.
“Where’s Jewel?” I asked, carrying them past Karen.
“She’s in the family room with Mommy,” Jade told me.
I walked down the hall to the family room, nervous but eager to see my oldest daughter Jewel. I found her in front of the TV playing with her Barbies. Lisa sat in a chair nearby.
“Jewel,” I called out softly, still standing in the doorway.
She turned toward me and smiled, then looked to her mother. Suddenly her smile became a frown and she ran to Lisa, grabbing her tight. I felt so empty at that moment I just wanted to burst into tears. Out of all my kids, I had been closest to Jewel. Ever since she was born, she was the one who always wanted to go with Daddy or sit on Daddy’s lap. We’d developed a bond that I thought would never be broken. Until now.
“Jewel,” I called again, this time a little sterner. My heart sank when she gripped her mother tighter. It took everything I had to stop myself from screaming at Lisa, who silently glared at me from her seat on the couch. This had to be all her doing. Why else would Jewel run from me?
“Get down for a minute, girls.” I let my two little ones down and walked into the family room toward Lisa and Jewel. “Come’ere, Jewel. Daddy wants to talk to you.” I stretched my arms out, and Jewel buried her head into Lisa’s breast.
“Can’t you see she doesn’t wanna talk to you, Kyle?” Lisa’s voice was hard, almost threatening. Some kind of strange mixture between anger at me and concern for her child. But whatever it was, she knew better than to speak to me that way in front of my children.
“What have you been telling her to make her hate me?” I shouted.
Lisa’s eyes became small and she gave me a look that made me take a step back. In one fluid motion, she moved Jewel from her lap and was in my face.
“I didn’t tell her shit, Kyle, because I didn’t know shit. But what I shoulda told her was that her poor excuse for a father walked out on us ’cause he ain’t worth shit.”
If she had punched me in the face, Lisa couldn’t have hit me with a harder blow. Not that I had a right to be, but I felt so disrespected that I almost struck her. I guess the thing I hated most was that everything she had said was the truth.
“Get out of my face, Lisa,” I demanded, my eyes never leaving hers.
“Hey, girls.” Karen took hold of Jade and Willow’s hands. “Why don’t we go in the kitchen and get some cookies?”
“That’s a good idea,” Lisa told them, still staring angrily at me.
“I don’t want any cookies,” Jewel pouted.
“Go get some cookies while I talk to your father, Jewel,” Lisa told her in a no-nonsense tone.
“Come on, Jewel.” Karen called.
Jewel got up and reluctantly walked to the kitchen.
“You gonna be all right, Lisa?” Karen asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be all right.” Lisa gave her friend a reassuring look. “He’s already been to jail once. He didn’t like it.”
“Okay.” Karen turned, closing the family room door behind her.
Lisa and I stared at each other silently for a good two or three minutes, neither of us saying a word. I didn’t speak mostly ’cause I didn’t know what to say, and because I didn’t wanna say the wrong thing. Finally Lisa broke our silence with a question I was totally unprepared for.
“Who is she, Kyle?”
“Who is who?”
“Who the fuck did you leave me for? And please don’t tell me it’s a man,” she said sarcastically.
I don’t know why, but I cracked a smile. Something I regretted as soon as I felt Lisa’s hand connect with my face. The blow hadn’t really hurt, but the fact that she’d done it was painful.
“What the hell was that for?” I asked, touching my face in disbelief.
“That’s to remind you that I’m not a fuckin’ fool!” She’d taken a step back for safety, but her attitude was definitely still there. “Now who the fuck is she, and don’t insult my intelligence.”
“There is nobody else, Lisa. I swear to God.” I took a step backward myself just in case she decided to swing again. But her hands stayed by her side.
“Then why, Kyle? What did I do that was so bad that you had to leave us?”
“It’s not you, Lisa. It’s me. I’ve got issues.”
She sat down, unable to control her tears.
I thought about telling her the whole truth. About the dreams and what Dr. Stanley had told me. But I couldn’t. In seven years of marriage, Lisa and I had always been able to talk, but for some reason I just couldn’t bring myself to admit these things to her.
“What kind of issues, Kyle? Are we in trouble financially again? Diane told me that the Mafia was after you.”
“Oh, God. Please don’t tell me you’ve been talkin’ to Diane about our problems?” I shook my head in disgust.
“You damn right I talked to Diane. You’ve been gone a month. After a week I was ready to talk to anyone who might make some sense out of this shit.”
I sat down next to her. “No, it’s not money, and it’s not the Mob.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. As awkward as this whole reunion was, I hated to see her so upset.
She shrugged me off, reaching for a box of tissues on the coffee table. “Well, if it’s not money and it’s not another woman, then what is it?”
“I’m just not happy with my life,” I answered weakly.
“What do you mean you’re not happy with your life? Aren’t you coming back home?”
I thought about the question, then lowered my head. I could see by the look of disappointment on her face that she knew my answer.
“No,” I replied quietly. “I just came by to see the girls.”
“My God. This has got to be a nightmare.” She buried her face in her hands. “Do you want a divorce?” She turned her head toward me.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I haven’t made up my mind yet.” I stood up and walked to the window, looking outside in a daze.
“Kyle, look at me.” She gazed across the room. “Do you still love me?”
“I don’t know that either, Lisa.” I felt like shit as the words escaped my mouth.
“Then what the fuck
do
you know?” she yelled. “I’ve given you seven fucking years of my life and you don’t know if you love me. You don’t know if you’re ever coming home. You don’t know if you want to stay married. You fucking bastard!” She picked up an ashtray and threw it at me wildly, then collapsed in hysterics on the couch. When she finally composed herself enough to speak, she stared at me through her tears and asked, “It’s the black-white thing, isn’t it?”
do
you know?” she yelled. “I’ve given you seven fucking years of my life and you don’t know if you love me. You don’t know if you’re ever coming home. You don’t know if you want to stay married. You fucking bastard!” She picked up an ashtray and threw it at me wildly, then collapsed in hysterics on the couch. When she finally composed herself enough to speak, she stared at me through her tears and asked, “It’s the black-white thing, isn’t it?”
I let out a slight gasp, amazed that she was so close to the truth.
“Isn’t it!” she demanded.
“How’d you know?” My eyes began to tear as I felt the shame in that truth.
“When you disappeared, Wil mentioned it to Diane. She didn’t believe it, but now that I think about it, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Your impotence, the way you avoided me before you left. It all adds up. When you said you’re not happy with your life, you didn’t really mean your whole life. You’re not happy with me.”
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