Marriage to the Second Degree - Part 1 (4 page)

“Just do it,” she muttered out loud.  “For crying out loud, the man doesn’t bite.” 

Well, at least not that she recalled.

After dumping her keys into her purse, she exited her car; a bit surprised Sawyer hadn’t noticed her sitting out here.  Maybe he wasn’t home.  She had already spotted his truck, but he might be out on his motorcycle, although that was unlikely in this weather.  The more preferred scenario was that he was writing, and hadn’t heard her pull into the drive. 

She rang the bell, the air chilling her bare legs, her jittery nerves still tapping away at her stomach, although at this point it felt as if her nerves had graduated to choreographed numbers.  The kind with a lot of movement to really stir up her uneasiness, but no real finesse to ease her uncertainty.

“Mckenzie,” Sawyer said, clearly surprised to see her on his doorstep, his manner one of relief.  No doubt he had given up on her calling.  “What are you doing here?”

“I know I said I would call,” she said in a rush, the squishy, squirmy of her emotions doing their best to make her look the fool, “but I didn’t know what to say, and then I found myself driving out here – “

Thankfully he choose that moment to interrupt.  “It’s okay,” he said
, his smile encouraging as he took her hand, and helped
her over the threshold.  “I’m glad you’re here.”

He closed the door on the blustery autumn day, although the faint scent of pine mingled in the air.  Nerves on red alert, Mckenzie tugged on the string that tied the hood of her navy blue hoodie.  She already had one side longer than the other.

“So,” he said, leading the way into the kitchen where the subtle fragrance of coffee laced with the air.  “What brings you out here?”

Doing her best to not notice how his denims hugged his hips, or how he’d let his hair grow slightly long again, she managed a shaky laugh that was triggered more by edginess than actual amusement.  “I really don’t know.  I’m not any less confused now than I was before.”

She leaned against the counter as he lifted two blue ceramic mugs from an overhead cabinet.  It was easier to focus on the floor than him as she hadn’t broken any promises to floor, or walked out on it after a heated argument.  Sawyer however had yet acknowledged her lack of eye contact as he continued their conversation.

“Well
you must know something, or you wouldn’t have driven out here.”  His reasonable tone should have struck the right chord and inspired her to overlooked her anxiety, but her nerves had made a total pain of themselves ever since she followed him into Gabby’s, and clearly they weren’t willing to surrender control.

Her silence triggered a pause, then Sawyer padded over to her, her insides jangling with every step of his bare feet.  Why oh why had she come out here?  She was never any good at emotional confrontation.  It made her want to crawl into some forgotten hole until the next ice age. 

“Babe.”  His softly spoken word of endearment was reminiscent of days past.  Mckenzie knew some women found the term ‘babe’ offensive, and although it wasn’t very feminist of her, she rather liked it when Sawyer
called her that. 

His hand crept to her waist, as he continued, “This would probably be a lot easier on both of us, if you just told me what’s on your mind.”  Lightly he nudged her chin until their eyes met. 

Again her inner turmoil spiked as the words he wanted to hear stuck in the back of her throat.  Her courage, which up to this point, she had thought had flown off to Barcelona, must have taken the express flight back as she acknowledged the lack of accusation in his dark gaze, which she took to mean he had no interest in dredging up the wounds of past. 

“The reason I never returned your calls was because I knew I hadn’t gotten over you.”  Another twinge of nerves brought her words to an abrupt halt.  She honestly hadn’t meant to tell him that, but the words were out there.  There was no taking them back.

His subtle smile soothed some of her jitters, as did the gentle stroke of his hand against her cheek.  “I’m glad to hear you say that because I never got over you, either.”

“But we can’t just jump back into things,” she felt inclined to point out, the pain of their parting spiking her memories, “we made such a mess of things, and
–“

“I know, believe me, I know,” he cut in,
his touch whisper soft,
“but we can make things right again that is if we’re both willing to try.”

“But I don’t know if I can do this again.” 
This was the portion of their conversation she had dreaded the most.  The portion with all the tears, and
turmoil, and all sorts of other heart wrenching emotions she wanted ignore.  But if she wasn’t willing to tell him what he meant to her, she shouldn’t have driven out here.

“Leaving you was just so hard.”  The words weren’t easy to force past the lump in her throat, and they were barely audible, but the medley of pain in his eyes said he had heard her.

As tears spilled onto her cheeks, his arms eased around her, wrapping her against him.  Next to the refrigerator, a clock ticked away the passage of time, filling the silence.  Mckenzie willed herself to not cry.  She hated tears as they served little purpose other than to make her mascara run, and her eyes red.  She leaned into Sawyer, drawing comfort in his strength, and the knowledge that despite the things they had done to each other, he still wanted her.  Until she had seen him that night in Gabby’s, her main goal had been to hide from the mess they had made, but maybe it was time to stop hiding. 

“Mckenzie, listen.”  The uneven timber of his voice said his emotions weren’t any steadier than hers.  “I’m not going to make you a bunch of promises I might not be able to keep, but I never stopped loving you.”

Inside her something cru
mbled as she absorbed his words
.  “I never stopped loving you, either,” she said, knowing that sentiment was true despite the fact that she often wished it wasn’t.

His smile chased away more of her uncertainty.  “Does that mean you’re willing to give things another chance?”

Just wanted to say yes, but apparently a few crumbs of doubt still lingered.

“I don’t want to rush into anything,” she said, as usual her feet growing cold before she had so much as dipped a toe into the pool.

Her hesitation must have reminded him of days past and how she sometimes agonized over the simplest decision afraid of making the wrong choice, because his smile grew amused, tinged with relief, and something that she suspected was tenderness. 

“Will you just tell me yes or no so I can kiss you?”

His relief must be contagious as she found herself matching his smile, tenderness and all.  “Why would you kiss me if I told you no?”

His amused smile didn’t dim as his arms tightened around her.  “
Still a brat, I see
.”
  

“Hey, now,” she exclaimed, her hands sliding up his chest.  Apparently they wanted to be on him, not that she had any huge problems with that.  “I’m not a – “

His mouth on hers silenced her, and unlike the other night when he had kissed her, this time she displayed no signs of hesitation as she pressed against him.  Thoughts of – was she giving in too easily – and – maybe she shouldn’t be letting him kiss her like this – swirled through her mind, not that she was going to let her thoughts talk her into stopping him.  She wanted Sawyer’s hands on her.  S_he wanted her hands on him.  If this was wrong, well, too damned bad.  There would be plenty of time for regrets
later.

Open mouthed his tongue moved with hers, his hands sliding under her hoodie, massaging along the smooth fabric of her white cami.  Hands tangled in his hair, Mckenzie surrendered to the sweet hunger of his kiss.  Somehow she had known, even before she drove out here, that this was what she wanted.

Unable to ignore the feminine urge to touch him in as many ways as possible, she lifted his shirt, her hands playing across his chest, her mouth following her hands.  His hand fisted in her hair as she tasted and nibbled her way across his chest, loving the feel of him beneath her tongue.  Then he dragged her mouth back to his for a
nother
heart thudding kiss, before he captured her wandering hands. 

“Not here,” he murmured huskily.  “I want you in my bed.”

 
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