Marriage Seasons 04 - Winter Turns to Spring (6 page)

“Your beads are beautiful,” Jennifer said gently. “They’re works of art. Everyone loves them—especially Mrs. Moore. She was always talking about your beads and so proud of you for starting to sell them. The two of you had gotten really close, hadn’t you? I know you helped her a lot after her accident.”

“She helped
me
,” Ashley sobbed. “Mrs. Moore sorted beads for me, and she was teaching me how to cook. But she also … well, she was my friend. We talked about things. She used to say,
‘I’m so silly,’
and it was true. I never thought an old lady could be interesting and fun to hang around with, but she was. I miss her so much. I can’t believe … I can’t believe she’s dead.”

Ashley couldn’t keep from glaring at Jennifer, as if somehow she and her precious religion were to blame for everything. Though Jennifer obviously had nothing to do with Esther Moore’s death, still the grief and anger poured out.

“If God is so wonderful that you want to go off to the jungle and tell people about Him,” Ashley ground out, “then why did He let Mrs. Moore die? She was a good person. She was never mean to anyone. How come murderers and thieves and … and
drunks …
how come they get to go on living and making other people miserable? Is that fair? Is that right? No way. If anyone deserved a long, happy life, it was Mrs. Moore. But she had to have that stupid stroke, which left Mr. Moore … and me … and Boofer and everyone … alone. I hate that.”

Jennifer had been examining the delicate painted and etched beads in the tray while Ashley blurted her thoughts. But as Ashley finished ranting, Jennifer pushed the tray aside and wiped at her own cheeks.

“I don’t know, Ash,” she mumbled tearfully. “I don’t get it either. I mean, it’s almost the same with me. Our mission team was in that hot, filthy little town in Oaxaca doing a good thing. We weren’t hurting anyone. We were passing out Spanish Bibles. Free, too. We’d been with the people for a couple of days, sleeping in their houses and eating their food and trying so hard to show how much we love them. How much
God
loves them. And then one night out of the dark came this gang. They had clubs and sticks, and I think there was even a gun. I knew they were going to kill us all—I really did. I thought,
I’m going to die, and I never got to be a missionary or a wife or a mom or anything.
”

“Wow, Jen,” Ashley said. “I didn’t know it was so bad.”

“Oh yeah, it was. When I came to, I was lying in the mud with a big lump on the back of my head, and my friends were crying, and everyone was scared to death, even our team leader. No one in the town helped us, either. Not at first. We all just held on to each other and prayed, and then the police got there and a few people came out of their houses to watch. An old Land Rover took us to the clinic.
That
place was a total joke. No beds or sterilized needles or stethoscopes or anything you would expect. They had alcohol swabs and codeine—that’s it. The whole thing was awful, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I thought God wanted our team to be down there and He would protect us, but then all of that happened. It’s so confusing.”

Ashley set down the necklace she had been beading. “Are you okay now?”

“No!” Jennifer lifted her head, her face red and her eyelids puffy. “I’m not okay. I used to feel confident about everything. I thought I knew what God wanted me to do. But now …”

The two young women looked into each other’s eyes. Ashley didn’t know whether she felt worse for Jennifer or for herself. How could things get so terrible when you were this young? You’d think it would take a lifetime to mess up your whole world this bad. But she and Jennifer Hansen had managed it before they reached twenty-five.

“I’m really scared all of a sudden,” Jennifer said.

“I can’t imagine living out in the middle of nowhere all by myself. The mission organization I’ve signed up with—they do put us in teams, and we would have a communications radio, and a plane could come if something went really bad. But the married couples and their children would be together in their own little houses. At night, I’d be alone, Ash. Completely alone.”

“You’d have God.”

“God …,” Jennifer whispered, her eyes filling again. She shook her head as the words choked out. “I feel like He betrayed me. I know Christians aren’t always protected from bad things. But why me? Why our group? I’m so confused.”

“Maybe your brain was injured when the thugs hit you on the head.”

Finally the hint of a grin appeared on Jennifer’s face. “I had all kinds of scans when I got back to Missouri. My brain is fine. The problem is with my heart.”

“Come on, Jen. Your heart hasn’t changed. You still believe all those things you told us at the TLC meetings. Think how many times you’ve scolded Miranda Finley and preached at everyone. You’re like Joan of Arc in that movie—crusading around and challenging people to repent. You just got the stuffing scared out of you in Mexico, that’s all.”

“That’s for sure. But it did change me, Ash. It made me think about so many things—questions and worries and dreams I’d been keeping on the back burner.”

“Like getting married? Ha. Trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Ashley could feel Jennifer’s eyes trained on her. Picking up the necklace again, she searched for red beads in the compartments of her tray. Considering Jen’s misery over living life as a single woman, it might not be a bad idea to let her know the other side.

“You imagine everything will be wonderful when you’re married,” she murmured, her focus on the necklace. “It’s like—wow, if dating is this great, then marriage has got to be even better. I used to feel like I was the center of Brad’s universe. He spent tons of time with me, and he couldn’t keep his hands off me.”

Catching herself, Ashley glanced at Jennifer. “You probably don’t believe in sleeping with a guy before marriage, do you?”

“I’ve never found a rule God made that was
bad
for people.” Jennifer rolled a few red beads in Ashley’s direction. “So, yeah, I believe in waiting. I suspect things work out better for couples who do.”

Ashley had to think about that for a moment. None of her single friends were virgins. Except Jessica and Jennifer Hansen—both winners in the Miss Religious competition. These days, people hardly thought twice about it. On the other hand, things with Brad weren’t working out very well for Ashley. But that wasn’t because they’d had sex before marriage. Was it?

4“Anyway,” Ashley went on, “nowadays Brad and I hardly see each other—and there’s definitely no cuddling. He works days building condos for a construction company. I work nights waitressing.”

“But that can only be eight hours for each of you,” Jennifer pointed out. “There are twenty-four hours in a day. That should still give you at least eight hours together.”

Considering whether to tell the truth, Ashley threaded a few more beads and then tied off the monofilament. Jennifer had been honest with her, so why not just spill the beans?

“We could spend time together,” she said. “But Brad goes to Larry’s after he gets off work around three in the afternoon. I don’t have to be at the country club until five, but I hate that bar—women staring at Brad and flirting with him. He’s
my
husband, but it’s like I’m not even there.”

“What does Brad do?”

“Plays pool mostly. The bar has a new singer he thinks is awesome. I haven’t seen her, but I wouldn’t trust any barfly as far as I could spit. I’ve asked Brad not to go to Larry’s, but he does it anyway unless he’s planning to work on our house with Mr. Moore. They’re trying to repair some of the damage from the termites and rain. With Brad always busy, I come over here and work on the beads. Besides, there’s no point in trying to carve out a couple of hours together. We usually end up in a fight anyway.”

“But you could go out to dinner. Or snuggle on the couch. And what about when you get home from work?”

“Brad’s totally zonked by then. I usually find him crashed out somewhere snoring.”

“Is there some way you could find a job with hours that matched Brad’s a little better?” Jennifer asked. “There’s a lunch shift at the country club, isn’t there?”

“The tips are twice as good at night. I need the money. My parents are always on the brink of going under, and I’ve helped support them for years. Brad doesn’t know it, but I still give them money every month. If I didn’t, they probably wouldn’t make it.”

“You keep secrets from your husband? Is that a good idea?”

“I’m sure not going to tell him. He goes ballistic all the time about money anyway. Brad thinks my bead business is a total waste. He’s always on my case about having to pay for envelopes, packing tape, clay, enamels—the things I need to keep filling orders. I wish I’d never started this.”

“I’ll help you.”

The offer was impulsive. Was it insincere? Ashley studied Jennifer for a moment.

“You don’t want to string necklaces, Jen,” she said. “It’s boring.”

“I need boring.” Jennifer reached over and began to sort beads in the tray. “I’ve just been through the least-boring experience of my life. I’m so freaked out I can’t even decide whether to go back to school next semester. It’s as though that gang of thieves in Mexico robbed me of a lot more than my purse and watch. They stole my courage. These days, the idea of flying halfway around the world and living by myself in a hut almost makes me panicky.”

“You could always take Cody Goss.”

At that, Jennifer looked up, startled. But when she saw the grin on Ashley’s face, she relaxed. “Cody
could
protect me, you know.”

“He sure could.” Ashley shook her head. “He survived on his own after his dad kicked him out. And he made it from Kansas to Deepwater Cove without even knowing how to read a map.”

Jennifer giggled. “Cody seems to be able to do almost anything he sets his mind to.”

“Yeah, he’s okay—but he drives me crazy. I guess it’s part of his autism. He’s forever getting right in my face when he talks to me. And if he gets going on chocolate cake or his other favorite subjects at TLC meetings, forget it.”

“He is different, but to tell you the truth, Cody amazes me. His art is awesome.”

“You ought to know,” Ashley said, recalling the collage of portraits Cody had painted on the wall of Just As I Am, every one a variation on his favorite theme—Jennifer Hansen. “Cody might make a good missionary,” Ashley went on. “I bet he’s got most of the Bible memorized. He could probably preach a better sermon than the minister of your church.”

“Pastor Andrew would be hard to top.”

“I heard him at the country club once. Some group had invited him to be their speaker. He was pretty interesting, I’ll admit. But I would still bet Cody knows more Bible verses.”

“I haven’t found a topic that stumps him. You can mention almost anything, and Cody comes up with Scripture to go along with it.”

“See? You should just take him with you. He could be your missionary partner. Your teammate.”

As she spoke, Ashley saw a look filter across Jennifer’s face that was unmistakable. The young woman’s cheeks flushed with pink and she looked away shyly, her blue eyes suddenly sparkling. Though Ashley could hardly believe it, she would know that expression anywhere.

“You
like
Cody,” she said in a low voice. “Jen, what’s the deal? Are you in love with him?”

Jennifer clenched her hands into fists and shook her head. “No, of course not. That would be ridiculous. I mean, Cody’s autistic. At least, we think he is. Besides, he has those irritating habits, and he hasn’t been to school a day in his life. He can’t do anything with numbers, you know. He reads entire books on Michelangelo or Leonardo da Vinci, but he can’t figure out a ruler to save his life. He’s horrible at telling time, and he still gets the days of the week mixed up. In many ways, he’s like a little kid.”

“Yeah, but he’s not. He’s about your age. And he’s handsome. Movie star handsome.”

“He is, isn’t he?”

“Yep.” Ashley picked out a necklace clasp from her supply box and began attaching it to the string of beads. This had to be one of the most unusual conversations she’d ever had. But she liked Jennifer Hansen, and it felt good to talk things over.

“It’s okay to like whoever you want, Jen,” Ashley said. “You can like Cody if you want. You can even love him.”

“I do love him. But not that way. At least, I don’t think I love him that way.” She gripped the sides of the table. “See? I can’t figure out anything these days! It’s all a gigantic mess.”

“Maybe you should take time off from school and work for a while. What can you do with a major in … what was it?”

“Anthropology. Dumb, useless subject. I have no idea what kind of job I could do. I was planning to go to the mission field, so anthropology fit perfectly. Everything used to be logical and comfortable and really right. But now, it’s all mixed up.”

“Well, try not to get so uptight about what’s going on. You don’t have to buy your tickets to Timbuktu tomorrow, do you? Be grateful you didn’t make a permanent commitment like I did.” Ashley paused, reflecting on her Valentine’s Day wedding. “You didn’t stand up in a church and promise yourself—heart and soul—to someone for the rest of your life.”

“Actually, I did. Only my someone was God. He used to be all I thought about, all I cared about.”

“God?”

“Yes. I can remember that feeling—that fire I used to have. I knew why I loved the Lord, and I would do anything for Him. Absolutely anything. I was so happy, so sure I was making all the right decisions. It wasn’t like I walked into it blindly, either. I went to Africa on a long mission trip. I saw how the rest of the world lives, all the suffering, and it made me more determined. But that was before Mexico.”

“It’s almost like Brad and me. I just knew marrying him was the best, smartest thing in the world. I truly didn’t think my life would be all that different after our wedding. Just like you, I thought I had already tried it out. You’d been to Africa with God, and I’d been to bed with Brad.”

“Well, that’s really not the same.”

“Yeah, but you and I are alike in a lot of ways, Jen. I knew what I was getting into. I saw the future, and I wanted it. But now … now that it’s a reality, I’m about ready to throw in the towel.”