Marian Keyes - Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married (37 page)

"Do I have to?"

"Not if you don't want to."

"But then how will I know about the different types?"

So he read aloud to me of pizzas.

"Thin crust or deep crust?" 438 / marian keyes

"Thin crust."

"Normal or whole wheat?"

"Normal! Whole wheat--what a disgusting idea."

"Small, medium or large?"

"Small."

He was silent.

"All right then, medium."

Once the food order was established, conversation stopped again.

We watched TV, we ate, we barely spoke. I couldn't remember feeling as happy in ages. Not that this was saying much, considering that I'd been suicidal for weeks.

During the evening the phone rang twice, but when Daniel answered it, the person hung up. I suspected that it was probably one of his hundreds of ex-girlfriends. Which made me feel uncomfortable, because it reminded me of when I used to do that to men who had broken my heart. If Gus had had a phone I'd probably have done it about ten times a day.

Later, Daniel drove me home. I insisted that he drop me at the traffic lights.

"No," he said. "You'll get soaked."

"Please, Daniel," I begged. "I'm afraid that Karen will see your car."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"She'll make my life a misery."

"We have every right to see each other."

"Maybe," I agreed. "But I'm the one who has to live with her. You wouldn't be so brave if she was your roommate."

"I'll come in with you and I'll deal with her," he threatened.

"Oh no!" I exclaimed. "That would be awful. Look," I said, more calmly. "I'll talk to her, it'll be okay."

And, anyway, why should I lie? I hadn't done anything wrong, I told myself. I had every right to see Daniel, he was my friend, he had been my friend for years, long before he had ever met Karen, long before I met Karen, for that matter. It all sounded terribly reasonable when I said it like that.

But as soon as I put my key in the door, my courage deserted me.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

Karen was waiting for me, her face like thunder, an ashtray a yard high on the table in front of her.

"Er..."

I would have quite happily lied but it was obvious that she knew.

How did she know? Who told her?

I found out later from Charlotte that it was Adrian. After the pub had shut, Karen and Charlotte decided to get a video to kill a couple of Sunday afternoon hours and Adrian asked them about "the guy in the expensive car" who had picked me up.

439 440 / marian keyes

"Adrian looked like he was going to cry," said Charlotte. "I think he likes you."

My fault of course. If I had met Daniel at my apartment, instead of enga- ging in subterfuge, I wouldn't have been found out. Honesty was the best policy. Either that or covering my tracks properly.

"So what's going on?" she demanded, in a shrill voice. Her face was really pale except for two red blotchy patches on her cheeks. She looked demented with fury or nerves or something.

"Nothing's going on," I said, anxious to reassure her. Not just out of concern for my personal safety, but because I knew what a living hell it is when you suspect that the man you love has found someone else.

"Don't give me that."

"Really, Karen, I just went over to his flat. It was totally innocent."

"Innocent! Nothing that man does is innocent. And do you know who told me that--it was you, Lucy Sullivan."

"It's different with me..."

She laughed bitterly. "Oh no, it's not, Lucy, don't flatter yourself."

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are. That's the way he operates--he made me feel like the only girl in the world."

"I don't mean that, Karen. I mean, it's different because he doesn't like me that way and I don't like him that way. We're just friends."

"Don't be so na�ve. Anyway, I've always been suspicious of how you've always made far too much of a point of how you didn't think of him as gorgeous."

"I was only being the voice of reason..."

"...and he wouldn't be bothered spending time with you if he didn't intend to get you into the sack--he can't lucy sullivan is getting married / 441

resist a challenge. He'll try to seduce you just because you act like you don't want to."

I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

"And is it true that he let you drive his car?"

"Yes."

"The bastard--he never let me. In six months he never once let me."

"But you can't drive."

"Well, he could have taught me, couldn't he? If he had any decency he would have given me driving lessons."

"Er..."

"So is he going out with someone else yet?" she asked, her face twisting as she tried to smile.

"I don't think so," I said soothingly. "Don't worry."

"I'm not worried," she sneered. "Why would I be worried? After all, I broke up with him."

"Of course." It was hard to figure out the right thing to say.

"How can you be so pathetic?" she demanded. "Find your own guy, stop satisfying yourself with my leavings."

Before I could defend myself against that she moved on to a different accusation.

"And how could you be so disloyal, how would you feel if I went out with Gus?"

"I'm sorry." I was humbled. She was right and I felt ashamed, a traitor.

"You're not to see him again, you're not to bring my ex-boyfriend into my own home."

"But I wouldn't." I had thought I was being sensitive and mindful of her feelings, but she made me sound callous and selfish.

"And I suppose he talked all about me..."

I didn't know what to say--I was afraid I would hurt her if I said that he hadn't.

"...Well, I don't want him to know anything. How can I have any privacy, with my roommate going out with my ex?"

"It isn't like that."

I felt torn apart with guilt and remorse. I hated myself for causing her pain, and I couldn't understand how it had ever seemed justifiable to do it.

Then came the thunderbolt.

"I forbid you to see him." She stared me right in the eye.

That was my cue to square my shoulders and swallow hard and tell her that she had no right to forbid me to see anyone.

But I didn't.

I felt too guilty to stand up to her. I had no right to. I was a bad friend, a bad roommate, a bad human being. I wanted to make it all right. I didn't think what it would be like if I didn't see Daniel because I wanted to make things up to Karen.

"Okay." I bowed my head and left the room.

59 I went out with Daniel the following night--I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I knew I was forbidden to see Daniel, and I was ter- rified of Karen, petrified.

But when he called and asked if he could take me for something to eat after work, for some reason I decided to lucy sullivan is getting married / 443

say yes. Probably just because it had been so long since someone had taken me out and fed me. Although perhaps it was a form of rebellion, I thought, albeit a secretive, private form.

Just before Daniel arrived at my office I decided to reapply my makeup--even though it was only him I was going out with, a night out was a night out and I never knew who I might meet. But as I wobbled on my eyeliner I was alarmed to discover that I felt a bit fluttery and shaky. Surely to God I wasn't attracted to Daniel, I thought in horror. Then I realized that it was just good plain old-fashioned fear. Fear of Karen and what she'd do to me if she ever found out. What a relief! How much better it was to feel sick with terror, not sick with anticipation.

When Daniel walked into my office at five o'clock (wearing his Visitor's pass; Daniel would never do a Gus) I was so pleased to see him, even though he was wearing his suit, that I felt a lurch of self-righteous anger toward Karen. I even toyed with the idea that I might confront her. Al- though not seriously.

"We're going to the pub before our dinner," I said to Meredia, Megan and Jed. "You're welcome to join us."

But they declined. Meredia and Jed wore their "He's not Gus" faces, and watched me with narrowed, judgmental eyes as I put on my coat. Mummy had a new boyfriend; they wanted Mummy to be with Daddy.

Stupid fuckers.

Mummy wanted to be with Daddy also, but what could Mummy do about it? Would refusing a free meal from Daniel bring Gus rushing back?

Megan declined by cheerfully telling Daniel, "Thanks for the offer, and I hope you will be offended if I decline-- 444 / marian keyes

I'm not in the mood for a smoothie like you. I've got a date with a real man."

Like me, Megan felt the need to punish Daniel for being good-looking and turning intelligent women to mush. All the same, that sounded a bit harsh. And who was this real man of whom she boasted? Probably one of the giant sheep shearers, who hadn't shaved for days or changed his un- derpants in as long.

So Daniel and I went to the pub alone.

"Karen called me," he said, as we sat down.

"Oh." I felt a belly-flop of alarm. "What did she want?"

Were they going to get back together?

"She told me to keep away from you," he said.

I exploded in relief. "And what did you say?"

"I said that we're both adults and we can do what we like."

"What did you have to go and say that for?" I wailed.

"But why not?"

"It's okay for you to be an adult and to do what you like--you don't have to live with her. If I try to be an adult and do what I like, she'll kill me."

"But..."

"So what did she say to that?" I asked him.

"She sounded annoyed with me."

"How do you mean?" My heart sank.

"She said--let me see if I can remember exactly what she said--she said that I was awful in bed. And, of course, she told me that my penis was one of the smallest she'd ever seen."

"Naturally," I agreed.

"And that the only time she'd seen a smaller one was on her two-month- old nephew and it was no wonder I'd lucy sullivan is getting married / 445

had so many girlfriends because it was obvious I was trying to prove that I was a man."

All the usual small member allegations that were par for the course from a woman scorned, but there was a danger that Daniel could be upset by Karen's version of the No Fury That Hell Hath. From the way he grinned, he didn't look upset.

"And what else did she scream at me?" He stared thoughtfully. "I wish I could remember because it was really good, but I can ask everyone else in the office because they heard it too."

"I thought you said she called you." I was puzzled.

"She did call me. But everyone in the office still heard. Oh I remem- ber--she swears she saw two gray ones in my pubic hair and that she only went out with me because I drove her to work most mornings and saved her having to pay for the train, and that my hair is thinning at the back of my head and I'll be bald by the time I'm thirty-five and no girl will go near me."

"The bitch!" I said. "And what nasty stuff did she say about me?" I tried to brace myself.

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"Really."

He was lying. When Karen was inflamed, she attacked indiscriminately.

"I don't believe you, Daniel. What did she say?"

"Nothing, Lucy."

"I know you're lying. I bet she told you that sometimes I stuff my bra with cotton balls."

"She did but I knew that anyway."

"How?! No, don't tell me, I don't want to know. Okay, I bet she told you that she guesses I must be hopeless 446 / marian keyes

in bed because I'm too inhibited. She knows that would upset me."

Daniel looked mortified.

"Was that it?" I demanded.

"Something like that," he muttered.

"Exactly what did she say?!"

"She said we'd be well matched, because we're probably as bad as each other in bed," he admitted.

"The fucking bitch," I said in admiration. "She's so good at knowing what hurts most. But she didn't mean what she said about you," I continued, anxious to reassure him. "She always told me that you were great in bed, and that your penis is lovely and big."

The two construction workers at the next table stared at us with open interest.

"Thanks, Lucy," Daniel said warmly. "And I have it on good authority that you're good in bed, also."

"Gerry Baker?" I asked. Gerry Baker was a colleague of Daniel's that I'd had a short-lived fling with.

"Gerry Baker," confirmed Daniel. Foolishly.

"I told you not to talk to Gerry about what I was like in bed," I said an- grily.

"I didn't," protested Daniel nervously. "All that happened was that he said that you were good in bed and..."

One of the workers winked at me, and said, "I can well believe it, darling."

The other worker looked appalled and hastily said to Daniel, "Sorry, mate, sorry about him. He's had a few. No disrespect meant to you or your lady."

"It's okay," I said quickly, before Daniel was forced to defend my honor. "I'm not his girlfriend."

Which meant it was fine to insult me.

The construction workers smiled with relief but it took

a little while to persuade Daniel that I hadn't been offended by them.

"You're the one I'm pissed off at," I explained.

"I didn't ask Gerry, you know," muttered Daniel. He looked suitably shamefaced. "It just slipped out accidentally and he said it without even..."

"Shut up," I said. "You're in luck. I'm too upset about what Karen said to worry about you and Gerry discussing my panties."

"He didn't even mention your panties," Daniel reassured me.

"Good."

"From what I heard they weren't on you long enough for him to even notice...I'm joking," he said hastily, as I turned a face burning with rage upon him.

Back to Karen.

"She doesn't really think anything's going on with us," I said. "She knows we're only friends."

"Exactly," Daniel said eagerly. "That's just what I said to her, that you and me are only friends."

And we both laughed heartily.

60 If I hadn't been so pissed off with Karen I'd never have taken part in the Great Bitching Session which followed.

It wasn't an honorable, noble thing to do, to bitch about my friend, roommate and fellow female, and especially to do it with a man, but I was only human. 448 / marian keyes

Bad in bed, indeed! The nerve of her!

Of course, no good ever came of gossiping. I'd hate myself later, what goes around comes around, my bad karma would be returned to me three- fold, and so on and so on. But I decided I could live with it.

Gossiping was a kind of McDonald's for my psyche. Irresistible at the time, but I always felt sort of disgusting afterward. And hungry again ten minutes later.

"Tell me about you and Karen. What have you done to make her hate you so much?" I asked him.

"I don't know," he said.

"I suppose it's because you're an egocentric, selfish bastard who broke her heart."

"Am I, Lucy, is that what you think?" He looked upset.

"Well...yes, I suppose."

"But, Lucy," he insisted. "I'm not, I didn't. It wasn't like that."

"So what was it like? I want to know why you didn't tell her that you loved her," I said, rolling up my bitching sleeves.

I'd teach her to suggest that I was useless in bed!

"I didn't tell her that I loved her because I didn't love her." He sighed.

"Why didn't you love her?" I asked. "What was wrong with her?"

Then I held my breath. In spite of what Karen had said about Daniel--and me--it was very important that he didn't say mean things about her, that he treated her with respect, that he behaved like a gentleman.

I hadn't forgotten that he was a man, and so was basically the enemy. It was fine for me to destroy Karen's reputation with the airing of a few well- chosen secrets, but Daniel wasn't allowed to treat her with anything other than the utmost respect. At least not until I said otherwise. lucy sullivan is getting married / 449

"Lucy," he said carefully, choosing his words slowly and watching my face for my reaction, "I don't want to say anything about Karen that could be misconstrued as nasty."

Right answer.

We both smiled with relief.

"I understand that, Daniel." I nodded gravely.

That was enough of that. He had observed the formalities, and now I wanted to hear everything about Karen. The more awful the better.

"That's fine, I won't misconstrue anything." I was brisk. "You can tell me all about it."

"Lucy," he said awkwardly. "I'm not sure...it hardly seems right..."

"It's okay, Daniel, you've convinced me that you're really a nice guy," I reassured him.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yes," I promised insincerely. "Now tell me!"

Daniel, like all men, had to be coaxed. They like to pretend that it isn't in their nature to be bitchy, but of course, they love a good character assas- sination, the bloodier the better.

Men make me laugh when they throw their eyes to heaven and sancti- moniously say, "Meeee-yoww!" whenever a woman makes an unkind comment. Men are worse gossips than women.

"Lucy, if I tell you anything--and I'm not saying that I will, mind--it's to go no further," he said sternly.

"Of course." I nodded earnestly. I wondered if Charlotte would still be up when I got home.

"Not even Charlotte," he added.

Bastard!

"Oh go on, let me at least tell Charlotte," I said sulkily.

"No." 450 / marian keyes

"Please."

"No, Lucy. If you don't promise, I'm not going to tell you anything."

"I promise," I said in a singsong voice.

No problem. Talk was cheap and I wasn't under oath.

I took a quick look at him and he had trouble maintaining the straight, stern face. He tried not to smile, but he couldn't stop himself. I felt a surge of pleasure that I could still make him laugh.

"Okay, Lucy," he took a deep breath and finally started. "You know I don't want to say anything bad about Karen."

"Good," I said stoutly, "I wouldn't want you to."

Our eyes met and again his mouth twitched. He looked sideways over his shoulder, pretending to look around the pub, but I knew he was trying to hide his grin.

It had been a mistake on Karen's part to insult Daniel and me together because it had united us against her. Until the sting of her allegations stopped smarting, we would be close allies. Nothing unites two people as warmly and lovingly as a shared grievance against a third party.

Eventually Daniel cleared his throat and spoke.

"I know it sounds like I'm trying to put all the blame onto her," he said. "But Karen didn't really care about me. She didn't even like me very much."

"It sounds like you're trying to put all the blame onto her." I eyeballed him steadily.

"But it's true, Lucy, honestly! She didn't care about me."

"You lying bastard!" I scoffed. "She was besotted with you."

"No, she wasn't," he said, with a bitterness that surprised me. "She was besotted with my bank balance--at lucy sullivan is getting married / 451

least what she thought my bank balance was. She must have mistaken my overdraft for savings."

"Oh Daniel, no woman goes out with a man for his money. It's an Old Husband's Tale," I said.

"Karen did. Size mattered to her--the size of my wallet."

I would have laughed except he looked so miserable.

"And she kept trying to change me," he said miserably. "She didn't like me the way I was. She was disappointed because she got a pig in a poke."

"A pig who gave her a poke, more like." I was unable to resist the cheap joke.

"I'm not a pig," he said huffily.

"In what way did she try to change you?" I asked kindly. I didn't want him to get so huffy that he would stop telling me things.

"She told me that I didn't take my job seriously enough. She said that I should be more ambitious. And she was always on at me to learn to play golf, she said that more deals are done on the golf course than in the boardroom."

"But you're a research person thingy." I was confused. "You don't do deals, do you?"

"Exactly!" he said.

"And do you remember when I took her to that work party at the end of July?"

"No," I said, managing to bite my tongue and not shout at him, "How the hell would I know what you took her to, it's not as if you called me or anything to keep me abreast of what was going on in your life."

"Well, you should have seen the way she carried on at that!"

I felt a cheap thrill and drew nearer, all the better to hear whatever awful thing he was about to tell me.

"The way she behaved with Joe..." 452 / marian keyes

"Joe, your boss, that Joe?" I asked.

"...Yes. It was horrible, Lucy. She practically offered to sleep with him if it would enhance my promotion prospects."

"God, that's awful," I said, blushing for her. "Joe, of all people! But didn't you try to stop her?"

"Of course I tried to stop her, but you know what she's like, she's so headstrong."

"How excruciating." I squirmed.

"Lucy, I was badly embarrassed for her," said Daniel. He looked pale and sweaty at the memory. "I felt awful for her."

"I bet."

Joe was gay.

We sat in silence. Our thoughts occupied by a mental image of poor Karen, as she flashed her tits, but flashed in vain.

"But apart from the career stuff and the money, did you have fun?" I asked. "Did you like her?"

"Oh, yes," he said firmly.

I was silent.

"Well, she was all right, I suppose." He sighed. "She didn't have much of a sense of humor. None, in fact."

"That's not true." I felt I had to say it.

"No, you're right, Lucy. She did have a sense of humor, the kind where you laugh at people who slip on banana skins."

Guilt wrestled with my desire to really trash her.

Guilt won.

"She's beautiful though. Isn't she?" I asked.

"Very," he agreed.

"She has a great body, hasn't she?" I asked, pressing him. lucy sullivan is getting married / 453

He looked at me oddly. "Yes," he said. "I suppose she has."

"Then why have you given all that up?"

"Because I just wasn't attracted to her anymore."

I laughed mirthlessly. "Ha! As if. A large-breasted blonde."

"But she was cold," he protested. "It's a terrible turnoff if you feel your lover doesn't even like you. Lucy, contrary to the terrible things you think about me--and all men, from what I can gather--big breasts and lots of sex aren't the highest things on my list of priorities. There are other things too."

"Like what?" I asked suspiciously.

"Well, a sense of humor. And it would have been nice if I hadn't had to pay for everything."

"Daniel, why are you suddenly so weird about money?" I was surprised. "It's not like you to be stingy."

"It's not the principle, it's the money." He grinned. "No, Lucy, I don't really care about the money, it was the way she never even offered to pay that pissed me off. It would have been nice if she had taken me out for a change."

"But maybe she doesn't have much money," I suggested doubtfully.

"It didn't have to be someplace that costs lots. Just the gesture would have been enough.

"But she had a dinner party for you."

"No, she didn't. You and Charlotte did most of the work."

Suddenly I had a very vivid memory of the Night of the Long Prepara- tions. "And we each had to pay a third of the cost," I said, my integrity a shadow of its former self.

"So did I," he said.

"What?" I screeched. "I don't believe you!" 454 / marian keyes

You had to admire her nerve, all the same.

"She probably got Simon and Gus to pay a third each also," I exclaimed. "She must have made a huge profit on the bloody thing."

"She'd have had a long wait trying to get any money out of Gus," said Daniel.

But I didn't tell him to fuck off and leave Gus alone. We had just spent the last hour destroying his ex-girlfriend's character. It was only fair that Daniel got a go at my ex-boyfriend.

"And she never read anything except that stupid magazine that has photos of lady this and countess that and Ivana Trump," he added.

"That's bad," I agreed.

"I prefer the one with the articles about men who have babies and `I married a child molester,' what's that one called, Lucy?"

"The National Enquirer?"

"No, Lucy, a girl's one."

"Marie Claire?"

"That's it!" He was enthusiastic. "I love that. Did you see the report about the women who were imprisoned for having abortions? I think it was the February one. Jesus, Lucy, it was..."

I interrupted. "But Karen does read Marie Claire," I exclaimed in her de- fense.

"Oh." That brought him up short. He was silent and thoughtful for a while.

"No," he finally said.

"No, what?"

"I still don't think I love her."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. God would punish me.

"I suppose," Daniel said sadly, "what it comes down to is I was bored with Karen." lucy sullivan is getting married / 455

"Again?" I exclaimed.

"What do you mean, Lucy? Again?"

"That's just what you said about Ruth--that she bored you. Maybe you have a very low boredom threshold."

"No, I don't. You don't bore me."

"Neither does auto racing. But that's not your girlfriend either," I said smartly.

"But..."

"This mysterious new woman that you haven't managed to get into bed yet--she doesn't bore you?" I asked nicely.

"No."

"Give it time, Daniel. I bet in three months time you'll be complaining to me about how tedious you find her."

"You're probably right," he said. "You usually are."

"Good. Now take me somewhere and feed me."

We went to the Indian restaurant next to the pub.

I wanted to be serious and offload onto Daniel about Gus. But I couldn't nail him down for a serious conversation. Every time I asked him a question, he sang songs about the food. Which, no doubt, was very endearing, but I wanted to talk about matters of the heart. My heart. And he couldn't sing. Not like Gus. But there was a good chance that Daniel wouldn't fleece me for every penny I had. There was a bright side.

"Do you think Gus and I saw too much of each other?" I asked, as the waiter put the pilau rice on the table.

"Lay your head upon my pilau," sang Daniel tunelessly, "Ah, here's the bhajees. Lay your warm and tender bhajee close to mine." He lined up our onion bhajees side by side. "I don't know, Lucy, I really don't."

Such high spirits were a bit out of character. Although maybe they wer- en't. Daniel used to be fun, before my roommates went after him. In fact he was still fun, but I 456 / marian keyes

had no time to have fun with him, it was my job to discipline him. Let's face it, no one else would do it.

"But I really don't think we did, you know. If anything I wanted to see him less than he wanted to see me..."

"Your turn," he interrupted. "You have to sing something."

"Er, popadom, don't preach, I'm in trouble deep," I half-sang awkwardly. I pointed to my popadom so that he'd know what I was singing about. "So do you think I'll ever get over him?"