Man of the Year (17 page)

My hand slides across her stomach and I pull her closer to me, kissing up and down the side of her neck and pressing her against me so she can feel just how much I want her.

She doesn’t lean into me the way she usually would. Instead, she stays kind of rigid and moves back under the water.
Weird
.

“You’re so sexy,” I say to her, stepping closer again and holding her hips. “You feel how hard you’ve got me?”

No response. Nothing verbal and no receptive body language either. Something’s up, but I’m not sure what.

I kiss her neck again, but she doesn’t bend it or open up for me, so I decide to move my hands up her ribs and start caressing her boobs. She always likes that, so maybe that’ll get some kind of reaction.

Her nipples don’t firm up the way they usually do and I have to rub my fingers over them for a little while before they get even remotely perky. Yes, something’s definitely up with her if her body isn’t even reacting to me.

“I want to show you why I won those awards tonight, babe,” I say to her, trying to playfully lighten the mood. “Let me lay some of these award-winning skills on you, huh?”

With that, I slide one hand between her legs and start to touch her, but she steps forward so I can’t get at her.

“What’s wrong, Lo?” I whisper to her. The water might be hot, but she’s gone completely chilly.

She doesn’t answer me. Instead, she starts rinsing out her hair under the water. When she turns towards me to slick it back, she won’t look at me. In fact, she won’t even open her eyes.

I give her a concerned look when she steps out of the shower and wraps her hair in a towel. She starts drying off, leaving me there feeling totally confused.

I watch her from the shower as she turns on the blow dryer and starts running her fingers through her hair. Most of the time, she lets it air dry, but she’s clearly in a hurry right now.

I wash up, observing her out of the corner of my eye the whole time. She brushes her teeth and puts on moisturizer, never giving me a second look. She’s completely ignoring me. It’s like I’m not even here. I have no idea what’s going on and why she’s had this sudden mood swing. She seemed totally happy earlier. Could be the alcohol. I know she was hitting the champagne pretty hard at the show tonight. Still, it’s way out of character for her to give me the silent treatment like this. When she’s mad at me, she usually erupts like Vesuvius and tells me in no uncertain terms what I’ve done to piss her off.

She leaves the bathroom and I hurry up so I can talk to her. I’ve got a towel wrapped around my hips as I watch her from the doorway. She puts on my Super Bowl XXXII t-shirt and crawls into bed. She’s been wearing sexy little short-shorts or nighties to bed these past couple months, but now she just wants a big t-shirt.
Strange turn of events indeed
.

I dry off as quickly as possible and hang the towel before I get under the covers with her. She faces away from me, but I side my arm around her and tug her back towards me.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re mad right now?” I whisper against the back of her neck.

“No.”

Wow. Very clipped response, and an acknowledgment that she’s mad
.

“Why not?” I ask her.

“It’s not worth it.”

“Why isn’t it worth it?”

“Because explaining it would be a waste of time.”

“Why would it be a waste of time, Lo? Come on, angel, tell me what’s wrong,” I gently try to coax her.

“I left your ring on the nightstand by your phone charger. I won’t be needing it anymore,” is her reply.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I say with shock, sitting up and leaning over her. “What the hell is going on here, babe?”

She’s acting calm and collected, but anger is just radiating off her. I don’t care if she starts screaming at me; I want to know what happened here.

“Lola, please,” I say softly. “Open up to me. Why are you so mad?”

“Because I thought we had something, but we don’t,” she replies frostily.

“What do you mean?” I ask with surprise, nudging her hip so she’s flat on her back and she has to look at me.

“I saw you, James,” she says, her voice tight with quiet rage. “I saw you kiss her. I know she’s kind of your main squeeze at these awards and I know you and her have done a little extracurricular fucking outside of work. That’s fine. She gives you want you want, you should be with her.”

Fuck!
She’s talking about Tara. Lola hates Tara and she knows something went down, but she doesn’t know that I told Tara to go fuck herself. I have no idea how I’m going to dig myself out of this one. If I explain it to her, she’ll think I’m bullshitting and making a feeble attempt to cover my ass.

“She kissed me and I told her to fuck off,” I reply, attempting to get the truth out there, no matter if she’ll believe it or not.

“It really looked like you were telling her to fuck off when your tongue was down her throat!” she snaps.

“Lo, my tongue wasn’t down her throat. She kissed me and I pushed her away and told her I was with you and that there was never anything real between me and her,” I explain. “I told her that she never meant anything to me and that you were the only girl I wanted for the rest of my life.”

Lola scoffs and shakes her head. She’s not buying it.

“It’s fine, James. Do whatever you want. She’s into all that freaky shit like you are. You two can go have three-ways and anal and do all kinds of bondage stuff together.”

“Why do you think I would want any of that?” I say, a little insulted that she’d even think that about me.

“Because we both know that a tiger doesn’t change its stripes,” she replies. “You might love me, you really might, but that’s not going to stop you from fucking around on me with sluts like Tara.”

“Yes it is!” I insist. “That’s pretty much the definition of what it means to love someone.”

“Face it, every girl we’ve talked to tonight wants your dick. Most of them have had it already and they’re chomping at the bit for more. You’ve got a world of options, all of them way more skilled than me, and you’re lying to yourself if you think you can turn your back on that,” she says. “You can try to make yourself into some monogamous boyfriend, but that’s not who you are. You like to fuck, James. That’s basically your defining characteristic. You’ve never really cared who you’re fucking, just as long as you were getting laid.”

“How can you say that about me, Lo?” I ask her, feeling genuinely wounded by the accusation.
Is that what she really thinks of me, that I’m just some tail-chasing asshole who uses girls for sex?

“I can say that because I know you, James. I know your history. There’s a pattern. You get really into a girl, fuck her for a little while, then you get bored and you move on to the next thing. The only reason it hasn’t blown up in your face is because the girls you’re with only want to fuck you, they’re not looking for relationships with you and they have zero expectations of you.”

That’s really harsh. She’s basically telling me that all I’m good for is a quality lay.

“You got what you wanted from me,” she continues. “You fucked me. Congratulations. You can pretend that it was about love, you can tell yourself whatever you want, but you accomplished your goal. You got laid and that’s all you've ever really cared about.”

Her voice is gravely with emotion and all my attention is locked on what she’s saying. I can’t fuckin’ believe my ears right now.

“I’m not here to get laid, James,” she says. “That’s not what I want. Sex isn’t enough for me. I have to have something deeper and I'm not sure if you’re capable of that.”

“That hurts, Lo,” I respond. I can hear the pain in my voice and I see that she sort of flinches a little bit when she realizes how much her words have cut me.

“I know that you’ve had a thing going on with Tara at these awards for a long time,” she says. “I know that you and her hook up here and try out all kinds of kinky shit. I know she’s wild and she wants nothing more than to suck you dick until she gives herself lockjaw. I know she’ll let you fuck her any way you want, any time you want, no matter how uncomfortable or degrading it is for her.”

“Hold up! You think sex with me is degrading?” I ask her sounding horrified. “It’s uncomfortable for you? I thought you liked it.”

“I do,” she admits after a short pause. Her anger’s diffusing just a little bit, but make no mistake, she’s still fuckin’ pissed.

“Then why would you say that? Why would you think I’d ever want to do something that was uncomfortable and degrading—to you or to anybody else?”

Her eyes well up and I keep looking at her, waiting for an answer. I need to get to the bottom of this right now. There’s a lot more going on than what she’s saying. Her emotions are just too high for this to be about Tara alone.

“I don’t think you would hurt or degrade me. I don’t think you’d want to do something that a girl wouldn’t like or that you’d push somebody to do something they didn’t want to do,” she explains. “I just know the kind of sex that you’re used to. You’ve become accustomed to porno sex, crazy stuff where girls do anything you say and they let you do anything to them. Tara can do that. I can’t. I wouldn’t feel right about myself if I did, even if I knew it would make you happy.”

“But I don’t want that,” I interject. “I don’t want porno sex at all, Lo. Who cares what Tara would or wouldn’t do? I’m not with Tara. I’m with you and I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”

“But you kissed her,” she says, her words coming out with a tremble like she’s about to cry. “It was right in front of everyone. You probably weren’t ever going to tell me about it. You’d let me go on thinking it never happened if I hadn’t seen it firsthand. You kissed her and who knows how far it could have gone—or maybe how far it did go. I’ve been back up here for a while now. How do I know you didn’t have a quickie in the bathroom at the party or something and then try to come in here and fuck me in the shower while you probably still had her smell on you?”

“Why would I ever do something like that, Lo? I was doing that stuff in the shower because I think you’re sexy and I can’t resist you when I see you with your clothes off. I want you all the time, that’s why I tried to fuck you just now,” I explain. “And I absolutely did not do anything with Tara. I
would
not do that and I
will
not do that. Not ever.”

She covers her face with her hands and she sniffles. There’s definitely a deeper issue with her right now and I have to see if I can crack her open and get it out. I don’t want her to cry. I don’t want her to feel the way she’s feeling right now and I want to make it right.

“They’re everywhere, James,” she says in a tiny whimper. “Everywhere I look, there’s some girl who’s had your penis in her, some girl who’s made you come. I can’t escape them.”

Now we’re getting somewhere.

“It wasn’t so bad before,” she sniffles. “I could watch it and not care so much because you didn’t mean the entire fucking world to me then. You were my friend, but I didn’t love you the same way that I love you now. It’s so much harder because I only want you to be with me, but I know you’ve been with all of them. To have to watch it … to have to see all the pleasure you got from other women on those shoots … I can’t handle it.”

I pull her hands away from her face and wipe her tears away. I know this is hard for her to say, but I'm glad she's getting it all out there. She’s fuckin’ profoundly upset and I want everything on the table so I can start sorting it out. She knows I didn’t hook up with Tara, she knows I wouldn’t hook up with Tara, but she’s really shaken up and I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth right now.

"Don't cry, Lo," I whisper to her. "I love you so much, baby, and I don't want you to think for two seconds that I'd ever want anybody else."

“I’m not a good girlfriend and I know that," she sniffles. "I want to be supportive. I want to make you happy and please you, but I can’t. Sitting there watching those clips … it makes me feel worthless and I can’t handle feeling like that,” she tearfully explains.

“I don’t want you to feel like that, baby,” I softly reply, wiping another tear off her cheek. “I never want you to feel worthless. You’re my treasure. You’re the most valuable thing in the world to me and what I feel for you is fuckin’ priceless.”

“It’s been really hard for me, James,” she weakly adds. “I want to be proud of you, and I am, but it makes me feel so inadequate when I look at all you’ve done and then I realize what you’re giving up for me.”

“What
I’m
giving up for
you
?” I say, not able to stop an amused smile from crossing my lips. “Jesus, Lo, I’m winning the fuckin’ lottery with you! Believe me, baby, I’m getting way more out of the deal than you are. I’m getting my dream girl. I’m getting everything I could ever want—the love of my life. You’re getting a dude who’s gonna bear the scarlet fuckin’ letter of porn for the rest of his life.”

She cracks a smile and it lights up my whole world. I want nothing more than for her to be happy.

“Seriously, let’s break this down,” I continue. “I’m getting beauty, brains, humor, crazy-ridiculous-insane hotness and that smart mouth that I love. You’re getting a guy who dropped out of college, who has no valuable skills, whose only claim to fame is having a big dick and who’s going to be shunned by real society the second I leave the Valley.”

“That’s not true,” she replies.

“It’s way true!” I chuckle. “If anyone’s getting fucked over here, it’s you.”

Her lips curve up and she laughs, which makes me feel a lot better.

“You’re settling, Lo,” I joke. “You’re lowering the bar for yourself. You could be with, like, some genius who’s curing cancer or something. You could have a fuckin’ prince—like, actual royalty. You could do a lot better than me, I have no doubt about that.”

She giggles and I lean over her and kiss her.

“In fact,” I grin, “I think the only thing I can offer you that some other guy couldn’t is this.” I nudge her knees apart and press up between her legs.

“Well, I don’t know,” she teases. “There were a lot of guys at the award show with big dicks and mad, crazy porno skills.”