Man and Superman and Three Other Plays (29 page)
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Authors: George Bernard Shaw
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MORELL [
rising proudly]
Protect!
rising proudly]
Protect!
CANDIDA
[not heeding him
â
to
EUGENE] What have you been saying?
[not heeding him
â
to
EUGENE] What have you been saying?
MARCHBANKS [
appalled
] NothingâIâ
appalled
] NothingâIâ
CANDIDA Eugene! Nothing?
MARCHBANKS [
piteously
] I meanâIâI'm very sorry. I won't do it again: indeed I won't. I'll let him alone.
piteously
] I meanâIâI'm very sorry. I won't do it again: indeed I won't. I'll let him alone.
MORELL [
indignantly, with an aggressive movement towards EUGENE]
Let me alone! You youngâ
indignantly, with an aggressive movement towards EUGENE]
Let me alone! You youngâ
CANDIDA
[stopping him]
Shâno, let me deal with him, James.
[stopping him]
Shâno, let me deal with him, James.
MARCHBANKS Oh, you're not angry with me, are you?
CANDIDA [
severely
] Yes, I amâvery angry. I have a great mind to pack you out of the house.
severely
] Yes, I amâvery angry. I have a great mind to pack you out of the house.
MORELL [
taken aback by CANDIDA's vigor, and by no means relishing the sense of being rescued by her from another man]
Gently, Candida, gently. I am able to take care of myself.
taken aback by CANDIDA's vigor, and by no means relishing the sense of being rescued by her from another man]
Gently, Candida, gently. I am able to take care of myself.
CANDIDA [
petting him]
Yes, dear: of course you are. But you mustn't be annoyed and made miserable.
petting him]
Yes, dear: of course you are. But you mustn't be annoyed and made miserable.
MARCHBANKS [
almost in tears, turning to the door]
I'll go.
almost in tears, turning to the door]
I'll go.
CANDIDA Oh, you needn't go: I can't turn you out at this time of night. [
Vehemently.
Shame on you! For shame!
Vehemently.
Shame on you! For shame!
MARCHBANKS [
desperately
] But what have I done?
desperately
] But what have I done?
CANDIDA I know what you have doneâas well as if I had been here all the time. Oh, it was unworthy! You are like a child: you cannot hold your tongue.
MARCHBANKS I would die ten times over sooner than give you a moment's pain.
CANDIDA [
with infinite contempt for this puerility]
Much good your dying would do me!
with infinite contempt for this puerility]
Much good your dying would do me!
MORELL Candida, my dear: this altercation is hardly quite seemly. It is a matter between two men; and I am the right person to settle it.
CANDIDA Two men! Do you call that a man? [To
EUGENE.
] You bad boy!
EUGENE.
] You bad boy!
MARCHBANKS [
gathering a whimsically affectionate courage from the scolding]
If I am to be scolded like this, I must make a boy's excuse. He began it. And he's bigger than I am.
gathering a whimsically affectionate courage from the scolding]
If I am to be scolded like this, I must make a boy's excuse. He began it. And he's bigger than I am.
CANDIDA
[losing confidence a little as her concern for MORELL's dignity takes the alarm]
That can't be true.
[To MORELL.]
You didn't begin it, James, did you?
[losing confidence a little as her concern for MORELL's dignity takes the alarm]
That can't be true.
[To MORELL.]
You didn't begin it, James, did you?
MORELL [
contemptuously
] No.
contemptuously
] No.
MARCHBANKS
[indignant]
Oh!
[indignant]
Oh!
MORELL [to EUGENE] You began itâthis morning. [CANDIDA,
instantly connecting this with his mysterious allusion in the afternoon to something told him by EUGENE in the morning, looks quickly at him, wrestling with the enigma. MORELL proceeds with the emphasis of offended superiority.]
But your other point is true. I am certainly the bigger of the two, and, I hope, the stronger, Candida. So you had better leave the matter in my hands.
instantly connecting this with his mysterious allusion in the afternoon to something told him by EUGENE in the morning, looks quickly at him, wrestling with the enigma. MORELL proceeds with the emphasis of offended superiority.]
But your other point is true. I am certainly the bigger of the two, and, I hope, the stronger, Candida. So you had better leave the matter in my hands.
CANDIDA [
again soothing him]
Yes, dear; butâ[
Troubled.
] I don't understand about this morning.
again soothing him]
Yes, dear; butâ[
Troubled.
] I don't understand about this morning.
MORELL
[gently snubbing her]
You need not understand, my dear.
[gently snubbing her]
You need not understand, my dear.
CANDIDA But, James, Iâ
[The street bell rings.]
Oh, bother! Here they all come.
[She goes out to let them in.]
[The street bell rings.]
Oh, bother! Here they all come.
[She goes out to let them in.]
MARCHBANKS [running to
MORELL
] Oh, Morell, isn't it dreadful? She's angry with us: she hates me. What shall I do?
MORELL
] Oh, Morell, isn't it dreadful? She's angry with us: she hates me. What shall I do?
MORELL
[with quaint desperation, clutching himself by the hair]
Eugene: my head is spinning round. I shall begin to laugh presently.
[He walks up and down the middle of the room.
]
[with quaint desperation, clutching himself by the hair]
Eugene: my head is spinning round. I shall begin to laugh presently.
[He walks up and down the middle of the room.
]
MARCHBANKS [
following him anxiously
] No, no: she'll think I've thrown you into hysterics. Don't laugh.
[Boisterous voices and laughter are heard approaching. LEXY MILL, his eyes
sparkling, and his bearing denoting unwonted elevation of spirit, enters with BURGESS, who is greasy and self-complacent, but has all his wits about him. MISS GARNETT, with her smartest hat and jacket on, follows them; but though her eyes are brighter than before, she is evidently a prey to misgiving. She places herself with her back to her type-writing table, with one hand on it to rest herself, passes the other across her forehead as if she were a little tired and giddy. MARCHBANKS relapses into shyness and edges away into the corner near the window, where MORELL's books are.]
following him anxiously
] No, no: she'll think I've thrown you into hysterics. Don't laugh.
[Boisterous voices and laughter are heard approaching. LEXY MILL, his eyes
sparkling, and his bearing denoting unwonted elevation of spirit, enters with BURGESS, who is greasy and self-complacent, but has all his wits about him. MISS GARNETT, with her smartest hat and jacket on, follows them; but though her eyes are brighter than before, she is evidently a prey to misgiving. She places herself with her back to her type-writing table, with one hand on it to rest herself, passes the other across her forehead as if she were a little tired and giddy. MARCHBANKS relapses into shyness and edges away into the corner near the window, where MORELL's books are.]
MILL [
exhilaratedly
] Morell: Imustcongratulate you. [Grasping his hand. What a noble, splendid, inspired address you gave us! You surpassed yourself.
exhilaratedly
] Morell: Imustcongratulate you. [Grasping his hand. What a noble, splendid, inspired address you gave us! You surpassed yourself.
BURGESS So you did, James. It fair kep' me awake to the last word. Didn't it, Miss Gornett?
PROSERPINE [
worriedly
] Oh, I wasn't minding you: I was trying to make notes. [
She takes out her note-book, and looks at her stenography, which nearly makes her cry.
]
worriedly
] Oh, I wasn't minding you: I was trying to make notes. [
She takes out her note-book, and looks at her stenography, which nearly makes her cry.
]
MORELL Did I go too fast, Pross?
PROSERPINE Much too fast. You know I can't do more than a hundred words a minute.
[She relieves her feelings by throwing her note-book angrily beside her machine, ready for use next morning.]
[She relieves her feelings by throwing her note-book angrily beside her machine, ready for use next morning.]
MORELL [
soothingly
] Oh, well, well, never mind, never mind, never mind. Have you all had supper?
soothingly
] Oh, well, well, never mind, never mind, never mind. Have you all had supper?
LEXY Mr. Burgess has been kind enough to give us a really splendid supper at the Belgrave.
BURGESS [
with effusive magnanimity]
Don't mention it, Mr. Mill. [
Modestly.]
You're âarty welcome to my little treat.
with effusive magnanimity]
Don't mention it, Mr. Mill. [
Modestly.]
You're âarty welcome to my little treat.
PROSERPINE We had champagne! I never tasted it before. I feel quite giddy.
MORELL [
surprised
] A champagne supper! That was very handsome. Was it my eloquence that produced all this extravagance?
surprised
] A champagne supper! That was very handsome. Was it my eloquence that produced all this extravagance?
MILL [
rhetorically
] Your eloquence, and Mr. Burgess's goodness of heart.
[With a fresh burst of exhilaration.
] And what a very fine fellow the chairman is, Morell! He came to supper with us.
rhetorically
] Your eloquence, and Mr. Burgess's goodness of heart.
[With a fresh burst of exhilaration.
] And what a very fine fellow the chairman is, Morell! He came to supper with us.
MORELL [
with long drawn significance, looking at BURGESS]
O-o-o-h, the chairman. Now I understand.
with long drawn significance, looking at BURGESS]
O-o-o-h, the chairman. Now I understand.
[BURGESS, covering a lively satisfaction in his diplomatic cunning with a deprecatory cough, retires to the hearth. LEXY folds his arms and leans against the cellaret in a high-spirited attitude. CANDIDA comes in with glasses, lemons, and a jug of hot water on a tray
.]
.]
CANDIDA Who will have some lemonade? You know our rules: total abstinence. [
She puts the tray on the table, and takes up the lemon squeezers, looking enquiringly round at them.]
She puts the tray on the table, and takes up the lemon squeezers, looking enquiringly round at them.]
MORELL No use, dear. They've all had champagne. Pross has broken her pledge.
CANDIDA [to PROSERPINE] You don't mean to say you've been drinking champagne!
PROSERPINE
[stubbornly]
Yes, I do. I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. I don't like beer. Are there any letters for me to answer, Mr. Morell?
[stubbornly]
Yes, I do. I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. I don't like beer. Are there any letters for me to answer, Mr. Morell?
MORELL No more to-night.
PROSERPINE Very well. Good-night, everybody.
LEXY [
gallantly
] Had I not better see you home, Miss Garnett?
gallantly
] Had I not better see you home, Miss Garnett?
PROSERPINE No, thank you. I shan't trust myself with anybody to-night. I wish I hadn't taken any of that stuff.
[She walks straight out.
]
[She walks straight out.
]
BURGESS
[indignantly]
Stuff, indeed! That gurl dunno wot champagne is! Pommery and Greeno at twelve and six a bottle. She took two glasses aâmost straight hoff.
[indignantly]
Stuff, indeed! That gurl dunno wot champagne is! Pommery and Greeno at twelve and six a bottle. She took two glasses aâmost straight hoff.
MORELL [
a little anxious about her]
Go and look after her, Lexy.
a little anxious about her]
Go and look after her, Lexy.
LEXY [
alarmed
] But if she should really beâSuppose she began to sing in the street, or anything of that sort.
alarmed
] But if she should really beâSuppose she began to sing in the street, or anything of that sort.
MORELL Just so: she may. That's why you'd better see her safely home.
CANDIDA Do, Lexy: there's a good fellow.
[She shakes his hand and pushes him gently to the door.
]
[She shakes his hand and pushes him gently to the door.
]
LEXY It's evidently my duty to go. I hope it may not be necessary. Good-night, Mrs. Morell. [To the rest.] Good-night. [
He
goes. CANDIDA
shuts the door.
]
He
goes. CANDIDA
shuts the door.
]
BURGESS He was gushin' with hextra piety hisself arter two sips. People carn't drink like they huseter.
[Dismissing the subject and bustling away from the hearth.]
Well, James: it's time to lock up. Mr. Morchbanks: shall I âave the pleasure of your company for a bit of the way home?
[Dismissing the subject and bustling away from the hearth.]
Well, James: it's time to lock up. Mr. Morchbanks: shall I âave the pleasure of your company for a bit of the way home?
MARCHBANKS [
affrightedly
] Yes: I'd better go.
[He hurries across to the door; but
CANDIDA
places herself before it, barring his way.
]
affrightedly
] Yes: I'd better go.
[He hurries across to the door; but
CANDIDA
places herself before it, barring his way.
]
CANDIDA [
with quiet authority]
You sit down. You're not going yet.
with quiet authority]
You sit down. You're not going yet.
MARCHBANKS
[quailing]
No: IâI didn't mean to. [
He comes back into the room and sits down abjectly on the sofa.
]
[quailing]
No: IâI didn't mean to. [
He comes back into the room and sits down abjectly on the sofa.
]
CANDIDA Mr. Marchbanks will stay the night with us, papa.
BURGESS Oh, well, I'll say good-night. So long, James.
[He shakes hands with
MORELL
and
goes on to EUGENE.] Make âem give you a night light by your bed, Mr. Morchbanks: it'll comfort you if you wake up in the night with a touch of that complaint of yores. Good-night.
[He shakes hands with
MORELL
and
goes on to EUGENE.] Make âem give you a night light by your bed, Mr. Morchbanks: it'll comfort you if you wake up in the night with a touch of that complaint of yores. Good-night.
MARCHBANKS Thank you: I will. Good-night, Mr. Burgess. [
They shake hands and BURGESS goes to the door.
]
They shake hands and BURGESS goes to the door.
]
CANDIDA [
intercepting MORELL, who is following BURGESS]
Stay here, dear: I'll put on papa's coat for him.
[She goes out with BURGESS.]
intercepting MORELL, who is following BURGESS]
Stay here, dear: I'll put on papa's coat for him.
[She goes out with BURGESS.]
MARCHBANKS Morell: there's going to be a terrible scene. Aren't you afraid?
MORELL Not in the least.
MARCHBANKS I never envied you your courage before. [He rises
timidly and puts his hand appealingly on MORELL's forearm.]
Stand by me, won't you?
timidly and puts his hand appealingly on MORELL's forearm.]
Stand by me, won't you?
MORELL [
casting
him
off gently, but resolutely
] Each for himself, Eugene. She must choose between us now.
[He goes to the other side of the room as CANDIDA returns. EUGENE sits down again on the sofa like a guilty schoolboy on his best behaviour.
]
casting
him
off gently, but resolutely
] Each for himself, Eugene. She must choose between us now.
[He goes to the other side of the room as CANDIDA returns. EUGENE sits down again on the sofa like a guilty schoolboy on his best behaviour.
]
CANDIDA
[between them, addressing EUGENE]
Are you sorry?
[between them, addressing EUGENE]
Are you sorry?
MARCHBANKS [
earnestly
] Yes, heartbroken.
earnestly
] Yes, heartbroken.
CANDIDA Well, then, you are forgiven. Now go off to bed like a good little boy: I want to talk to James about you.
MARCHBANKS
[rising in great consternation]
Oh, I can't do that, Morell. I must be here. I'll not go away. Tell her.
[rising in great consternation]
Oh, I can't do that, Morell. I must be here. I'll not go away. Tell her.
CANDIDA [
with quick suspicion]
Tell me what?
[His eyes avoid hers furtively. She turns and mutely transfers the question to MORELL.]
with quick suspicion]
Tell me what?
[His eyes avoid hers furtively. She turns and mutely transfers the question to MORELL.]
MORELL
[bracing himself for the catastrophe]
I have nothing to tell her, except [
here his voice deepens to a measured and mournful tenderness]
that she is my greatest treasure on earthâif she is really mine.
[bracing himself for the catastrophe]
I have nothing to tell her, except [
here his voice deepens to a measured and mournful tenderness]
that she is my greatest treasure on earthâif she is really mine.
CANDIDA
[coldly, offended by his yielding to his orator's instinct and treating her as if she were the audience at the Guild of St. Matthew]
I am sure Eugene can say no less, if that is all.
[coldly, offended by his yielding to his orator's instinct and treating her as if she were the audience at the Guild of St. Matthew]
I am sure Eugene can say no less, if that is all.
MARCHBANKS [
discouraged
] Morell: she's laughing at us.
discouraged
] Morell: she's laughing at us.
MORELL
[with a quick touch of temper]
There is nothing to laugh at. Are you laughing at us, Candida?
[with a quick touch of temper]
There is nothing to laugh at. Are you laughing at us, Candida?
CANDIDA
[with quiet anger]
Eugene is very quick-witted, James. I hope I am going to laugh; but I am not sure that I am not going to be very angry. [
She goes to the fireplace, and stands there leaning with her arm on the mantelpiece, and her foot on the fender, whilst EUGENE steals to MORELL and plucks him by the sleeve.
]
[with quiet anger]
Eugene is very quick-witted, James. I hope I am going to laugh; but I am not sure that I am not going to be very angry. [
She goes to the fireplace, and stands there leaning with her arm on the mantelpiece, and her foot on the fender, whilst EUGENE steals to MORELL and plucks him by the sleeve.
]
MARCHBANKS
[whispering]
Stop, Morell. Don't let us say anything.
[whispering]
Stop, Morell. Don't let us say anything.
MORELL [
pushing EUGENE away without deigning to look at him]
I hope you don't mean that as a threat, Candida.
pushing EUGENE away without deigning to look at him]
I hope you don't mean that as a threat, Candida.
CANDIDA [
with emphatic warning]
Take care, James. Eugene: I asked you to go. Are you going?
with emphatic warning]
Take care, James. Eugene: I asked you to go. Are you going?
MORELL
[putting his foot down]
He shall not go. I wish him to remain.
[putting his foot down]
He shall not go. I wish him to remain.
MARCHBANKS I'll go. I'll do whatever you want.
[He turns to the door.
]
[He turns to the door.
]
CANDIDA Stop!
[He obeys.]
Didn't you hear James say he wished you to stay? James is master here. Don't you know that?
[He obeys.]
Didn't you hear James say he wished you to stay? James is master here. Don't you know that?
MARCHBANKS
[flushing with a young poet's rage against tyranny]
By what right is he master?
[flushing with a young poet's rage against tyranny]
By what right is he master?
CANDIDA
[quietly]
Tell him, James.
[quietly]
Tell him, James.
MORELL
[taken aback]
My dear: I don't know of any right that makes me master. I assert no such right.
[taken aback]
My dear: I don't know of any right that makes me master. I assert no such right.
CANDIDA
[with infinite reproach]
You don't know! Oh, James, James!
[To EUGENE, musingly.]
I wonder do you understand, Eugene! No: you're too young. Well, I give you leave to stayâto stay and learn. [
She comes away from the hearth and places herself between them.]
Now, James: what's the matter? Come: tell me.
[with infinite reproach]
You don't know! Oh, James, James!
[To EUGENE, musingly.]
I wonder do you understand, Eugene! No: you're too young. Well, I give you leave to stayâto stay and learn. [
She comes away from the hearth and places herself between them.]
Now, James: what's the matter? Come: tell me.
MARCHBANKS
[whispering tremulously across to him]
Don't.
[whispering tremulously across to him]
Don't.
CANDIDA Come. Out with it!
MORELL [
slowly
] I meant to prepare your mind carefully, Candida, so as to prevent misunderstanding.
slowly
] I meant to prepare your mind carefully, Candida, so as to prevent misunderstanding.
CANDIDA Yes, dear: I am sure you did. But never mind: I shan't misunderstand.
MORELL Wellâerâ
[He hesitates, unable to find the long explanation which he supposed to be available.
]
[He hesitates, unable to find the long explanation which he supposed to be available.
]
CANDIDA Well?
MORELL [
baldly
] Eugene declares that you are in love with him.
baldly
] Eugene declares that you are in love with him.
MARCHBANKS [
frantically
] No, no, no, no, never. I did not, Mrs. Morell: it's not true. I said I loved you, and that he didn't. I said that I understood you, and that he couldn't. And it was not after what passed there before the fire that I spoke: it was not, on my word. It was this morning.
frantically
] No, no, no, no, never. I did not, Mrs. Morell: it's not true. I said I loved you, and that he didn't. I said that I understood you, and that he couldn't. And it was not after what passed there before the fire that I spoke: it was not, on my word. It was this morning.
CANDIDA
[enlightened]
This morning!
[enlightened]
This morning!
MARCHBANKS Yes. [
He looks at her, pleadingfor credence, and then adds, simply]
That was what was the matter with my collar.
He looks at her, pleadingfor credence, and then adds, simply]
That was what was the matter with my collar.
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