Male Review (3 page)

“On a first date.”

“Jesus Christ, Maud. I don’t need to hear this shit. Why can’t you play bingo or whist like a normal old person?”

“I am normal. I’ve got needs like any other hot-blooded woman. Don’t you have needs?”

Meg pulled up in Laura’s driveway. “I’m not discussing my needs with you, and you are not dating Mr. Bigelow. He’s a married man; my mother would never forgive me.”

“What’s your mother got to do with anything? Is she interested in Mr. Bigelow, or
Mr.
Big-down-below
as I like to call him. That man has equipment a stud racehorse would be proud of. He pulled his sausage out at the mailbox the other afternoon to show me he was up to the job. Mind you, it was more the size of one of Jenson’s giant salamis.”

Meg put her hands over her ears and started singing
Waltzing Matilda
. When she felt sure Maud had stopped talking, she put her hands in her lap and glared at the old lady. “You are not seeing Mr. Bigelow. He’s a married man. My mother is not interested in him, Mrs. Bigelow is.”

Maud opened her mouth and Meg put her hand up. “I don’t want to hear about it. I already know more about him than I ever wanted to, and I don’t need any more scary pictures in my head. Now let’s go and visit Laura.”

Chapter Five

Meg pressed the doorbell, but no sound rang out. Someone must have gotten sick of the annoying jingle for hemorrhoid cream it used to play and taken out the battery. She rapped her knuckles on the frosted glass, the appearance of a blurred red image in the hallway the reward for her effort.

Laura opened the door. She was a sight to behold in a low cut red top, matching leather miniskirt, and four inch stiletto heels. “I thought you said after breakfast? You made me get up early for nothing.”

“Not true. It is just after breakfast. Maud takes a long time to eat a meal.”

Maud flashed her dentures at Laura. “I’m breaking them in. They have trouble with bacon, but I think I could probably give you a savage bite if you don’t give me my money back. Or maybe I’ll set my new honey on you.”

“New honey?”

Meg grabbed Maud’s arm and dragged her inside. “Don’t ask, Laura. Believe me, you don’t want her to tell you.”

Laura grimaced. “Coffee?”

They all traipsed through to the kitchen. Meg sat on a stool at the counter and Maud excused herself to use the bathroom. Laura switched the coffee pot on and glared at Meg. “Why is she with you?”

“Where else would she be? You know she got tossed out of St. Andrews after the Michael Monaghan affair.”

Laura grinned. “That was hardly an affair. By all accounts he was as limp as a worm on a hook.”

“That’s not funny. I might go to jail, and knowing my luck, I’d be locked up in a cell with Maud and her out of control libido, listening to stories from her sordid past until I have a brain hemorrhage and die from the horror stored in my head.”

“You look tense.”

“Tense! Tense! You have no idea what life is like living with her. She’s driving us nuts. I need you to take her off my hands for a couple of hours.”

Laura held up her beautifully manicured hands. “No way, girlfriend. The freak show is your relative.”

“You owe me. This is all because of you. I could have told the police the whole male escort business was your idea, and that you hired Michael out to Maud, but I didn’t.”

Laura patted her cheek. “I know, that was so sweet of you. I’ll love you forever for not dragging me through the crap.”

“What about the crap you dropped me in?” Meg folded her arms and glared at Laura. “It’s not too late for me to change my story and tell the police the whole deal.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“If I don’t get some time alone without Maud sometime soon there is no telling what I might do.”

“Alone, or alone with Sam?”

“None of your damn business.”

Laura laughed. “I think a good orgasm or two would relax you to no end, let you see life from a whole new angle, preferably one you haven’t tried before.”

Meg felt heat rush to her face. “I am not discussing my sex life with you.”

Maud wandered into the room. “What sex life? She doesn’t have one. She spends all her time in the bathroom talking to herself and eating ice cream. She even had her sandals on in there this morning. I think she’s getting dementia. My cousin Ellie’s mental issues started with her wearing her underpants in the bath.”

Eyebrow raised, Laura stared at Meg. “Sandals in the shower and talking to yourself. You must be sick, unless you had a good reason for your strange behavior?”

A flush warmed Meg’s cheeks. Without a shadow of a doubt Laura knew exactly what had been going on in the bathroom, even if Maud didn’t. Now she was embarrassed and they hadn’t even had sex, well not real sex.

Maud held up a sparkly pink rabbit vibrator. “Can I try this?”

Relief flooded through Meg. Maud was her unwitting savior. Her best friend was well aware she’d started sleeping with Sam before Maud showed up, but she didn’t need Laura to let on to Maud. If the old lady suspected her and Sam were more than roommates, the few minutes they managed alone for a quick kiss and grope would be over.

Laura’s faced turned a violent shade of red and she snatched the offending item from Maud. “What were you doing in my bathroom cupboard?”

“Looking for a plunger. There’s something wrong with your toilet. Looks like someone used too much toilet paper and the whole thing is all backed up.”

“My toilet was fine earlier, besides that doesn’t give you the right to go poking through my stuff.”

“If you don’t want people to look at your sex toys, you should put them somewhere safe.”

“It was in the drawer and this is not a sex toy.”

Eyebrows raised, Maud chuckled. “Really? That’s what Mrs. Bronski in number seventeen told her George when he asked. It looks just like the vibrator she had. She said it was better than any man she ever met. She got it from the sex shop at Eastlands. Apparently, they have some huge penises in that store. I never saw them when I went to buy lubricant and rubbers. Mrs. Bronski told me one of these comes with guaranteed satisfaction every time, and as well as giving you a good time, the head works wonders on her arthritis when she uses it to massage her knees. Funny how telling your husband a lie can have such a happy ending. I could take this in exchange for the money you owe me.”

Laura rushed from the room and Meg got up and filled three cups with coffee. She put them on the table and told Maud to sit while she got milk and sugar. By the time Laura got back, they were sitting waiting for her.

Meg shoved a full cup in Laura’s direction. “So, when can you take her?”

Laura frowned. “You’re serious?”

Maud shoveled a fourth spoonful of sugar into her cup. “What? What was she serious about?”

“Nothing, Aunt Maud. Drink your coffee. We might need to drop by the police station later.”

“Oh goody. I love those guys. They’ve got such pinch-able butts.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll take her off your hands for a couple of hours tomorrow afternoon. She can help me shop for a new outfit for the opening.”

“What opening?” Meg wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer, but the comment was obviously an invitation to ask the question.

Chapter Six

It took every ounce of self-control for Meg not to roll her eyes. Laura was off on another hare-brained scheme, but there was no way Meg was going to get involved. No way, no how. Her life was in the toilet already, thanks to her buying into Laura’s last business idea.

“Meg, are you listening? The whole deal is in the bag. I’ve got an appointment with the bank manager at two. I only need another fifty thousand to go with the money I got from the estate of Martha Jenkins. I can get the whole thing tied up by the end of the week.”

“We don’t know anything about running a bar. We’re in advertising.”

“You
used to be
in advertising, until you got the sack.” They both glared at Maud. “What? What did I say? According to your mother, you sucked at your job.” She pointed an arthritic finger at Laura. “And she wasn’t much better.”

“My mother has no idea about my life. I was great at marketing. I had some brilliant promo ideas.”

Maud chuckled. “I saw you both dressed as cheese wedges at Foodland last year. Believe me, you even sucked at being sour milk.”

Meg folded her arms and glared at the old lady. “We were testing the market.”

“Bullshit. You should listen to the hussy, she’s got balls, unlike that useless male she tried to sell me.”

Why did everyone think Meg needed help to sort out her life? She had things under control. She planned to surf the net later and apply for some jobs. The only thing holding her back was having to take Maud everywhere with her. She daren’t leave her at home alone. Maud had moved into St. Andrews because she had a habit of setting things alight. The first time she left the toast on so long it burst into flames she claimed it was an accident. But when she managed to set fire to one of her famous wigs while making a cup of tea, the family had decided to save her from herself. Until Meg found a new home for Maud, there would be little chance of her finding employment and her bank account would remain empty. Without Sam paying the rent for both of them, she’d be homeless. She never wanted him to have to keep her, but thanks to Laura and Maud, she had no choice unless she wanted to move back in with her parents. And now Laura planned to embark on another disastrous business venture.

She knew no one could talk Laura out of the idea, no matter what they said to her. Once she got something into her head, she was immovable. No way did Meg have to get involved. Though she would stand back and watch the inevitable train wreck. Time for a change of topic before Laura tried another angle of persuasion.

“I never knew you were coming into an inheritance.”

Laura grinned. “Neither did I. The lawyer called me out of the blue. Apparently, my godmother had no one close to leave her money to.”

“How much money?”

“Fifty grand. It seemed perfect. Chad told me about the bar, and then I suddenly had all this money.”

Meg choked on her coffee and thumped her chest a half a dozen times until she got her breath back. “Chad? Stripper Chad?”

Maud lifted her head at the word stripper. “Not the one with the huge ding-dong called Roger? I always wanted to pet Roger, but that sleazy strip joint he worked at barred me. How was I to know you weren’t supposed to climb on stage and join in?”

Groaning, Meg buried her face in her hands. Her best friend planned to go into business with a male stripper whose appendage had been nicknamed Roger by his adoring fans. A male strip joint had barred her elderly great aunt because her behavior was beyond outrageous. And now she discovered the old lady was currently carrying a torch for a man’s dick. This had to be the
Twilight Zone.
Someone must have put something in the water to turn everyone but her mad.

“Can I have Roger as a replacement for the broken one?”

Meg banged her head on the table a few times in an effort to deaden the pain. “We are not in the escort business anymore, and Michael wasn’t broken.”

Maud snorted. “Looked broken to me. I’ve seen Twinkies firmer than his penis. Do you know something I don’t?”

Heat swept up Meg’s body and she fought to keep her voice level. In her current sex-starved state she didn’t want to remember events best left to history. So, why did the memory of being pinned beneath a very erect and naked Michael Monaghan when she rescued him from Maud flash in her brain? He was not her type. Sam was. Sam was the only man she wanted or needed, and she needed him right now.

“We have to get going. You can collect Maud at two tomorrow afternoon.”

Laura shrugged. “If you like.”

Maud looked hopeful. “Will Chad be going with us?”

Meg glared at Laura. “No, he won’t. You are going to go shopping together and nothing else.”

Laura saw them out and Meg helped Maud do up her seatbelt before reversing onto the road. A glance in her rearview mirror showed they had just left in time. If she wasn’t mistaken, the black four wheel drive pulling up beside Laura’s belonged to the infamous Chad.

“Where are we going now?”

“The gym.”

Maud tugged at her frock. “I need to go home and change. I can’t work out in this. You should have said so before we came out. I’ve got a lovely leotard in hot pink with matching leg warmers and sweatband.”

Meg fought back a groan of frustration. She only intended to visit the gym to see Sam and tell him the good news, but maybe an hour on the treadmill would wear the old girl out.

Chapter Seven

Appropriately attired in purple sweatpants and matching top, Meg climbed from her compact car and rushed to help the old lady to her feet. She was sprightly for her age, but no one ran marathons in their mid-eighties. If Maud died working out, her mother would blame her. She had better keep an eye on Maud to make sure she didn’t overdo it.

Once she got out of the car, Maud shook Meg off. “We won’t pick up hot men if you hold on to me. They’ll think we’re lesbians. Not that I have anything against lesbians. When you get to my age men are hard to come by, but I would definitely be dating someone hotter than you.”

Meg wasn’t sure whether to be shocked Maud was an equal opportunity sex addict or offended she didn’t find Meg attractive. Although, seeing as they shared a bed the alternative was too horrible to contemplate and she should thank the Lord for small mercies.

Together, they climbed the shallow steps, and then Meg pushed the door open and stepped inside. She’d been a couple of times before, but exercise was not her best friend. She got her workouts with Sam, and they didn’t involve barbells, just lots of sweating.

Maud flashed a wide smile at the young blonde working the front counter. Meg would feel like a cradle snatcher if she dated him. He couldn’t be more than eighteen.

“Ladies. Are you members?”

Meg shook her head. “No. I’m a friend of Sam’s and we hoped to get a free trial to see if we wanted to join.”

The young man grinned at her. “You must be Meg, and I’m guessing this vision of pink loveliness is Maud.”