Malarky (25 page)

I stare at her.

—And what do you think?

—I'll tell you the truth it is the biggest load of auld rubbish I ever heard. How on earth would which way your nose pointed affect it? It'd be more likely to make you allergic to pollen.

Then we go back to discussing the benefits of Manuka honey which Joanie says is mighty for every single thing, there isn't a thing it won't cure, but the price of it would lift the skin off the roof of your mouth. She pulls a tiny jar from the cupboard and we put it in our palms and stare at it.

—11 Euro. She says.

—11 Euro!

—Lift your tongue, she says and stuck a spoon of it into my mouth.

—There now, you'll sleep better with that.

I had three letters written and posted to Jimmy by the first Friday week. Just short notes. But I missed him, I missed him terrible. And I woke nights imagining him hurt and burning. Hurt and burning were always what I imagined.

My husband will tell you it wasn't long 'til I was taken strange. He'll tell you it was on account of the boy's absence I became strange. I'll tell you different. My gang will tell you different. There was nothing the matter with that woman is what they'll tell you.

With Jimmy gone and my husband absent so much, it was easy to bring Halim to the house. I contacted him regularly for the bit of distraction because I enjoyed him. I encouraged him to come down and visit. I offered to wash his shirts. He was a great man for needing shirts washed. I seemed to be washing shirts that weren't worn, but what about. I could tell you I initially contacted him for a bit of distraction from Jimmy's abrupt departure, but actually my mind was full of other thoughts. I was not finished with him.

Quickly Halim noticed how depressed I was and asked why I had been so quiet with him, was I angry with him?

—My son was home and is gone and I am missin' him awful, I said.

—Yes, he said, I can see. You are very dark in the eyes. Your husband is a bad man, no.

—No, my husband is an ordinary man, not bad, it is me who is slowly demented. The cattle prices are causing pressure
on all the men around here. My husband more than most. It's all he talks about.

I took Halim on walks with me.

We walked the routes I previously took with Jimmy. I said he was a nephew from England. I thought about the things I planned to do with him.

One neighbour said he looked like a Pakistani and was he a Pakistani? I agreed he was. From England he is. A Pakistani from England is he, the neighbour repeated. He's a very good man, I said. Oh they are, the neighbour speaking. They only marry their own. Were you ever in England? I wasn't, no I was not, the neighbour said. I've a brother there but I never went meself. He broadened into how you'd have no peace from the cows if you took off too far beyond a day in Ballina. They're always at you. Like children sucking at you. Chores to be done, they always need something from you. Like children they are, he repeated. No, I corrected him, children go away, cattle do not. We slaughter them, remember. Maybe he'd better carry on, he said. I believe it was that man who may have reported me strange or strained to my husband. It doesn't do to correct a neighbour.

Another neighbour, again a man, for the women come to the door to make their inquiries, or look at you queer an' squint if you disturb them, passed us another time in his car. He rolled down the window and asked pointedly about Jimmy.

—No that wasn't him I was walking with, no, no that's a relative from England.

—I haven't seen your lad about, he continued. What took him?

—He joined the army, I said and the man's face was jubilant within that car window. Isn't he great, won't he go far, he'll do
well out
of it
.
I tell ya, I tell ya, I tell ya
.
I was surprised to see him home and knew he couldn't be staying long and now I hear he's gone to the army, well it all makes sense!

He drove off with an air about him like he was off to make a cake or build a good fire to celebrate my lost son finding his way.

That was the conversation that started the talk in the bank. The talk where they said Jimmy had gone because he wanted to get away from me. That he went to get away from me. They never mention his father only me. It is only me he went to get away from. Do you hear that? They are joyous he finally escaped me.

I walked home with a short stride and long heart, my tongue so heavy in my mouth I could barely keep from biting it between my teeth. Nobody knows my son. Nobody but me. He will not go far, he will not do well out of it. He'll come home in a box out of it.

That was the night I was taken strange, my husband later told them. He said I'd come in from outside that day with a
confused
– confused being the polite local term for possessed – air about me. She didn't look right was all he'd say when the doctors asked him. The Lord save us she was confused, others would say, which is the polite local way of saying she was raving out of her mind.

My husband had it all wrong.

The others have it all wrong.

I wasn't taken strange over Jimmy at all. It wasn't 'til weeks later that I was officially taken strange and it was on account of Halim, not Jimmy.

It might be true that the night before that Sunday Halim visited I was feeling a very small bit demented. I went through the catalogue of events, the things that bothered me so much about what my son did and the things I have seen. I revisited every one of them that morning but was struck with a curiosity that had never poked me before. The duplicate bodies didn't seem so savage and I wanted closer in on them, to examine them more carefully. I wanted to recall those arms and those legs and those lips on those nips. I became frustrated when I couldn't recall it precisely, for previous I never could shut it out of my mind. Now it was sliding from me. Jimmy's absence taking all of it, more than I wanted gone. No sooner is something gone than we must know more of it. Why's that? I often felt this same way when a cow leaves to the factory. I've no interest in the animal, but once missing, a hole forms for her. I look for her. I miss her in a whole new way.