Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (2 page)

Sound Confident

Look Confident

Learn to Say No

Give Them an Alternative

Be a Broken Record

Be Sure You’re Sorry

Say What You Mean

Think Before You Speak

Be Prepared to Disagree

Control Yourself

Express Yourself

Don’t Use Emotional Blackmail...

...and Don’t Give In to It

Treat People with Respect

Have Plenty of Time

Be Likeable

Have a Sense of Humor

Be Honest

Always Say Thank You

Don’t Do Too Much

Give a Bit Extra

Be Generous

Praise but Don’t Flatter

Be Loyal

Don’t Talk Behind People’s Backs

Learn to Take Criticism Well

Admit Your Mistakes

Get to Know People

Learn to Listen Properly

Know What You’ve Agreed To

Pick Up the Signals

Sympathize with Other People’s Anger

Don’t Respond to Tactical Anger

Give Other People Results

Be Part of Your Organization

Work Hard

Work Right

Be Worth It

PART 3 Help Them to Say Yes

Make Sure You’re Getting Through to Them

And Make Sure
They’re
Getting Through to You

Think About Why They’d Say No

Show You Understand

Be Objective

Give Them an Excuse to Make an Exception

Solve Their Problems

Read the Clues

Learn What Gets Them Going

Use the Right Words

Get the Timing Right

Tell Them What You Want Without Asking

Don’t Keep Dropping Hints

Make It Hypothetical

Ask Questions

Ask for Advice Instead of a Job

Get Someone to Do the Asking for You

Tell Them You Need Them

Don’t Rush Them

Give Them What They Want

Make Them Think It Was Their Idea

Discourage Their Bad Ideas

Find Out What It Will Take

Get a Team Behind You

PART 4 And If You Really Do Have to Ask...

Be Clear What You’re Asking

Pick Your Moment

Make a Date

Know When to Put It Off

Keep to the Script

Rehearse It

Rehearse Their Answer

Don’t Go On About It

Get the Essentials on Paper

Have a Bottom Line

Ask for More Than You Want

Don’t Make Empty Threats

Think About It

Put the Decision in Writing

Be Ready to Be Decisive

Don’t Give Up

Making Sense of People: Decoding the Mysteries of Personality

Introduction

Part I: Describing Personality Differences

1 Personality Traits

2 Troublesome Patterns

Part II: Explaining Personality Differences

3 How Genes Make Us Different

4 Building a Personal Brain

Part III: Whole Persons, Whole Lives

5 What’s a Good Character?

6 Identity: Creating a Personal Story

7 Putting It All Together

Endnotes

References

Index

How to Argue

Powerfully, Persuasively, Positively

Jonathan Herring

Vice President, Publisher: Tim Moore
Associate Publisher and Director of Marketing: Amy Neidlinger
Acquisitions Editor: Megan Graue
Editorial Assistant: Pamela Boland
Operations Specialist: Jodi Kemper
Cover Designer: Alan Clements
Managing Editor: Kristy Hart
Project Editor: Betsy Harris
Proofreader: Williams Woods Publishing
Compositor: Bronkella Publishing
Manufacturing Buyer: Dan Uhrig

© 2012 by Jonathan Herring
Published by Pearson Education, Inc.
Publishing as FT Press
Upper Saddle River, New Jersey 07458

Authorized adaptation from the original UK edition, entitled
How to Argue
by Jonathan Herring, published by Pearson Education Limited, ©Jonathan Herring 2011.

This U.S. adaptation is published by Pearson Education, Inc., by arrangement with Pearson Education Ltd, United Kingdom.

FT Press offers excellent discounts on this book when ordered in quantity for bulk purchases or special sales. For more information, please contact U.S. Corporate and Government Sales, 1-800-382-3419,
[email protected]
. For sales outside the U.S., please contact International Sales at
[email protected]
.

Company and product names mentioned herein are the trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing April 2012

ISBN-10: 0-13-298093-2
ISBN-13: 978-0-13-298093-7

Pearson Education LTD.
Pearson Education Australia PTY, Limited.
Pearson Education Singapore, Pte. Ltd.
Pearson Education Asia, Ltd.
Pearson Education Canada, Ltd.
Pearson Educación de Mexico, S.A. de C.V.
Pearson Education—Japan
Pearson Education Malaysia, Pte. Ltd.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Herring, Jonathan.
  How to argue powerfully, persuasively, positively / Jonathan Herring.
        p. cm.
  ISBN 978-0-13-298093-7 (pbk. : alk. paper)
  1. Persuasion (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.
  BF637.P4H465 2012
  168--dc23
                                                      2012006599

Introduction

Do you hate arguments and avoid them at all costs? Or do you just find that you keep losing them? Perhaps even when you win, somehow you feel it has all been counter-productive?

If so, this is the book for you. It will teach you how to argue well. You’ll discover how you can get your points across in a clear and effective way. It will also help you to develop techniques so that you can respond to the arguments of others equally effectively.

Some people love arguments (lawyers and small children in particular). But most people flee them. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but often it isn’t. Avoiding an argument can mean that the problem simply goes on and is brushed under the rug. The suppressed resentment can poison a relationship or fill a workplace with tension.

In this book we will look at more positive ways of understanding arguments. They needn’t be about shouting or imposing your will on someone. A good argument shouldn’t involve screaming, squabbling or fistfights, even though too often it does. Shouting matches are rarely beneficial to anyone. Instead, we should view the ability to argue well as an art and a skill.

The ability to argue calmly, rationally and well is a real asset at work and in life. It can sharpen your thinking, test your theories, get you what you want. In any case, it’s impossible to avoid arguments. So you need to learn how to argue well. Arguments can be positive. A good argument between friends can be fun and enlivening. An argument can get matters out in the open so
that issues can be dealt with and there are no hidden grudges. Sometimes an argument is necessary to ensure that we get what we are entitled to: if you never argue in favor of a pay raise, you might never get one!

Arguments should be about understanding other people better, sharing ideas and finding mutually beneficial ways ahead. Arguing has sometimes gotten a bad rap. But that’s because people often argue badly. That must stop!

“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory but progress.”

Karl Popper

Arguing should lead to a better understanding of another person’s point of view and a better understanding of your own. Many people go through their lives simply not understanding how anyone could be a socialist, believe in God, support foxhunting, or enjoy French films. This happens because they’ve not discussed these issues with people with whom they disagree. They’ve not presented their views and had them tested by others. It’s astounding how many preconceptions people have about those who are different from them. “It’s amazing, I met a Libetarian supporter the other day and they were quite nice,” a friend once said to me. It’s only by talking to other people who disagree with you that your own responses become clearer and you can better appreciate the views of others.

This book is in two parts. The first will set out what I call the
Ten Golden Rules of Argument
. These are rules that can be relevant in a whole range of situations: from arguments with a boss, to arguments with a partner, to arguments with your plumber. They’ll even work if your partner is the plumber! In the second part I will look at particular situations where arguments commonly arise. We’ll put the golden rules into practice.

Part 1: The ten golden rules of argument

In this part I will introduce you to the
Ten Golden Rules of Argument
. These will help you in any argument you come across. Once you have understood them you will be able to argue well with whoever you encounter. The golden rules apply to arguments anywhere: at home, at work, at play, or even in the bath!

Chapter 1. Golden Rule 1: Be prepared

Those Boy Scouts are on to something. Being prepared for an argument is key to success. Sometimes arguments come out of the blue. But not always. It may be that you realize a difficult business meeting or conversation is going to take place, in which case being prepared is a real advantage.

What do you want?

Before starting an argument think carefully about what it is you are arguing about and what it is you want. This may sound obvious. But it’s crucially important. What do you really want from this argument? Do you want the other person just to understand your point of view? Or are you seeking a tangible result? If it’s a tangible result, you must ask yourself whether the result you have in mind is realistic and whether it’s obtainable. If it’s not realistic or obtainable, then a verbal battle might damage a valuable relationship.

Imagine you would like a pay raise. You have arranged a meeting to discuss this with your manager. Think carefully about whether this is a realistic goal. Is it clear the company is making cutbacks and all budgets are being drastically reduced? If so, the likelihood of getting a raise is probably nil and there’s little point asking for it. But are there other things you can do to achieve higher pay? Is there a promotion you can apply for? Increased training you can do? Can you offer to do something extra for the company? Think through the options before you enter the room. Always enter an argument with a clear view about what you want at the end.