Making Money (37 page)

He’d made it to his office, then. Splot certainly took your mind off all your little problems by rolling them into the big one of keeping all of yourself on one planet. He accepted the little dog’s ritual slobbering kiss, got off his knees, and made it as far as the chair.

Okay…sitting down, he could do that. But his mind raced.

People would be here soon. There were too many unanswered questions. What to do, what to do? Pray? Moist wasn’t too keen on prayer, not because he thought the gods didn’t exist but because he was afraid they might. All right, Anoia had got a good deal out of him and he’d noticed her shiny new temple the other day, its frontage already hung with votive egg-slicers, fondant whisks, ladles, parsnip butterers, and many other useless appliances donated by grateful worshipers who had faced the prospect of a life with their drawers stuck. Anoia delivered, because she specialized. She didn’t even pretend to offer a paradise, eternal verities, or any kind of salvation. She just left you with a smooth pulling action and access to the forks. And practically no one had believed in her before he’d picked her, at random, as one of the gods to thank for the miraculous windfall. Would she remember?

If he had some gold stuck in a drawer, then maybe. Turning dross into gold, probably not. Still, you turned to the gods when all you had left was a prayer.

He wandered into the little kitchen and took a ladle off the hook. Then he went back to the office and rammed it into a desk drawer, where it stuck, this being the chief function of ladles in the world. Rattle your drawers, that was it. She was attracted to the noise, apparently.

“Oh Anoia,” he said, tugging at the drawer handle. “This is me, Moist von Lipwig, penitent sinner. I don’t know if you remember? We are, all of us, mere utensils, stuck in drawers of our own making, and none more than I. If you could find time in your busy schedule to unstick me in my hour of need you will not find me wanting in gratitude, yea indeed, when we put statues of the gods on the roof of the new Post Office. I never liked the urns on the old one. Covered in gold leaf, too, by the way. Thanking you in anticipation, amen.”

He gave the drawer one last tug. The ladle sprang out, twanging through the air like a leaping salmon, and smashed a vase in the corner.

Moist decided to take that as a hopeful sign. You were supposed to smell cigarette smoke if Anoia was present, but since Adora Belle had spent more than ten minutes in this room, there was no point in sniffing.

What next? Well, the gods helped those who helped themselves, and there was always one last Lipwig-friendly option. It floated up in his mind: wing it.

Doing it in style
“The chairman goes woof”
Harry King puts something by
The screaming starts
One kiss, no tongue
Council of wars
Moist takes charge
A little magic, with stamps
Arousing the professor’s interest
A vision of paradise

W
ING IT!
There’s nothing left. Remember the nearly gold chain? This is the other end of the rainbow. Talk yourself out of a situation you can’t talk your way out of. Make your own luck. Put on a show. If you fall, let them remember how you turned it into a dive. Sometimes the finest hour is the last one.

He went to the wardrobe and took out the best golden suit, the one he wore on special occasions. Then he went and found Gladys, who was staring out of the window.

He had to speak her name quite loudly before she turned to face him, very slowly.

“They Are Coming,” she said.

“Yes, they are,” said Moist, “and I’d better look my best. Could you press these trousers, please?”

Wordlessly, Gladys took the pants from him, held them against the wall, and ran a huge palm down them before handing them back. Moist could have shaved with the crease. Then she turned back to the window.

Moist joined her. There was already a crowd in front of the bank, and coaches were pulling up as he watched. There were a fair number of guards around, too. A brief flash indicated that Otto Chriek of the Times was already taking pictures. Ah, yes, a deputation was now forming. People wanted to be in at the death. Sooner or later, someone would hammer at the door. Blow that for a game of soldiers. He couldn’t let that happen.

Wash, shave, trim errant nose hairs, brush teeth. Comb hair, shine boots. Don hat, walk down stairs, unlock door very slowly so that the click was unlikely to be heard outside, wait until he heard a tread getting louder.

Moist opened the door, sharply.

“Well, gentlemen?”

Cosmo Lavish wobbled as the knock failed to connect, but recovered and thrust a sheet of paper at him.

“Emergency audit,” he said. “These gentlemen—” and here he indicated a number of worthy-looking men behind him “—are representatives of the major guilds and some of the other banks. This is standard procedure and you can’t stand in their way. You will note that we have brought Commander Vimes of the Watch. When we have established that there is indeed no gold in the vault, I shall instruct him to arrest you on suspicion of theft.”

Moist glanced at the commander. He did not like the man much, and was certain that Vimes did not like him at all. He was even more certain, though, that Vimes did not readily take orders from the likes of Cosmo Lavish.

“I’m sure that the commander will do as he sees fit,” said Moist meekly. “You know the way to the vault. I am sorry it’s a bit of a mess at the moment.”

Cosmo half-turned, to make certain the crowd heard everything he said. “You are a thief, Mr. Lipwig. A cheat and a liar, an embezzler and have no dress sense whatsoever.”

“I say, that’s a bit on the harsh side,” said Moist as the men swept through. “I happen to think I dress rather snappily!”

Now he was alone on the steps, facing the crowd. They weren’t a mob yet, but it could only be a matter of time.

“Can I help anyone else?” he said.

“What about our money?” said someone.

“What about it?” said Moist.

“Says in the paper you’ve got no gold,” said the inquirer.

He pushed a damp copy of the Times toward Moist. The newspaper had, on the whole, been quite restrained. He had expected bad headlines, but the story was a single column on the front page and it was full of “we understand that” s and “we believe that” s and “the Times had been informed that” s and all the phrases that journalists use when they are dealing with facts about large sums of money they don’t fully understand and are not quite certain that what they have been told is true.