Making Marriage Work (31 page)

The choleric has a strong leadership tendency, with good judgment of people and tends to dominate a group. He has an optimistic, pioneering spirit and will abandon comfort for adventure. In other words, the bulldog tenacity of this temperament won’t let go until he gets what he went after. When I have opposition on something I know is of God, the challenge just cheers me on. A choleric doesn’t see obstacles but simply stays focused on the goals.

Some of the choleric’s weaknesses are very serious. He is often quick to anger, hard, impetuous, and erroneously self-sufficient. The choleric can seem void of emotion and compassion and often has a serious emotional deficiency. This point has driven me to my face to seek God to work His compassion and concern on the inside of me that I knew that I was supposed to feel and didn’t.

In the beginning of this ministry, somebody could come up and tell me an awful story and I would just look at them, not feeling anything. I literally went before God asking, “What is my problem?” I prayed and prayed and cried out to God about this. I fasted and prayed and cried out to God again — and God changed me in that area.

Now when people tell me things, it will touch me so deeply that I truly hurt for them. I have a deep concern now for people’s needs, so our weaknesses can be changed through prayer. The Holy Spirit can take a thick-skinned choleric and cause him to lay down his life to help people reach their best in God. Nothing is too hard for God.

All the personality types have weaknesses, but our weaknesses can be changed through prayer.

The study showing that many angry cholerics became the world’s most depraved criminals and dictators didn’t make me feel real good about myself. Melancholies will feel better about themselves knowing they aren’t the worst of the bunch after all. Their depression isn’t nearly as bad as where I could have ended up. But God got hold of me before my personality led me to destruction, and I am preaching the Gospel for Jesus Christ.

The choleric’s ability to act quickly can lead him to impetuous decisions that he later regrets, but his stubborn pride tenaciously sees him through. He doesn’t always enjoy his achievements because he is already working on the next frontier. It is both difficult to apologize or show approval, which causes great damage in any relationship that he wants to keep. When empowered by the love of God, the choleric’s confidence and determination can move mountains that few others would try to even climb. He is strong willed and a worker.

PEACEFUL PHLEGMATIC

I heard one lady teaching on the personality types who said, “We always save the phlegmatics till last because of all the personalities, if you don’t get around to them, they won’t care.”

If you run out of time, the melancholy might get depressed, the choleric will get mad, and the sanguine will have an emotional fit and chase you around all night wanting to know what you would have said to them. But the phlegmatic will sleep well that night whether you talked about him or not. They may think the whole topic is pointless anyway.

As I have already said, my husband is phlegmatic (bless his darling heart). I tried so hard to change him before I learned about these personality traits because I was honestly convinced that the man was only half-alive. I was always zipping around the house doing all these exciting things, working on goals and having visions, telling him we ought to do this or that. Dave’s standard answer was always, “We’ll see.”

This is one guy who does not need to hear any message about waiting on God. He knows how to wait on God. I started telling Dave what I believed God wanted me to do a long time ago, and he would say, “Joyce, you are always running out ahead of God.” I said, “Yeah, and if God wanted you to do anything, you would be twenty blocks behind.” The phlegmatic has no enthusiasm about anything, so that’s the way we started.

Dave was in the background doing nothing and I was way out in front doing it all. I have the utmost respect for my husband and in no way am I trying to insult him, but he will tell you that this is the truth about our personalities. We have a great marriage now and can see God’s perfect plan for knitting us together. We both have changed and come into balance.

I’ll never forget the time I asked Dave to help me do our first radio rally. We do that once a year to inspire our partners to get involved with our ministry plans. Everything is done in a radio room without an audience, so we sit in this little square box of a room with equipment all around us. I had a vision in my head of all the people out there, so I started in and introduced Dave to our radio audience.

I said, “Well, praise God, folks, we are excited to be here with you as we begin this special week of teaching. We’re having this radio rally, and I believe that you will be encouraged to become a partner with us.” Then I said, “Dave’s here in the radio room with me, and he is going to talk to you for a minute.” I said, “Now, Dave, aren’t we excited?”

He took the microphone and in his peaceful and somber tone he said, “Yes.” I am telling you the truth, then he added, “Yes, we are excited.”

I screamed, “Cut! Throw the whole thing away,” and we had to start all over. He said he was excited, but he did not sound excited. People just are different and they are the way God made them. If you want somebody to get excited with you, never tell a phlegmatic your news; save it for a sanguine.

The unexcitable phlegmatic has a good sense of humor that keeps him detached from the intensity of life. Mundane experiences are fuel for his dry wit and keen sense of reality. He delights in making people laugh. People seek him as a counselor because he is a good listener. The phlegmatic gives thoughtful and useful advice. His easygoing nature calms the storms raging in peoples’ lives, and he has endurance skills that exceed all the other temperaments.

He is dependable, cheerful, good-natured, thorough, and on time. He is faithful and loyal to his friends even though he has a tendency to keep a distance from others. The phlegmatic is also “practical and efficient.” He stays in the middle of the road. He’s all-purpose, easygoing, and always the same every time you see him. Peace is his whole motivation in life.

Nothing bothers Dave. He can wait three months or twenty-five years for something and he just doesn’t mind. Nothing disturbs him. People can talk about him, and he doesn’t care. He is just your easygoing personality. I am hanging from the rafters everywhere we go, wanting to do this and that, but Dave’s theme is, “Cast your care.” If Dave was a preacher, he would have twenty-five tape albums on casting your care on God. He could come at it from every possible angle imaginable. He keeps excitable people like me in balance. He throws water on my fire, and I add fuel to his.

I’ve learned from watching my husband how to enjoy life. While I was worrying, manipulating, trying to change, struggling, fussing, and fuming all those years, my husband enjoyed life. He had peace and joy. In fact, he often does his best work under circumstances that would cause other temperaments to crack. His work always bears the hallmark of neatness and efficiency; although he’s not a perfectionist, he does have exceptionally high standards of accuracy and precision.

The melancholy is more likely to be an inventor than the other personalities, but it is the hard-driving choleric who will usually produce the melancholy’s invention. The melancholy has an idea, but the choleric has the determination to bring it through to a finished state. After it is invented and designed, the sanguine will be the one to sell it because he always makes a convincing salesman; the phlegmatic, who did nothing, will buy it and enjoy it.

It doesn’t take long to list the weaknesses of the phlegmatics because they are so few. They just enjoy what is going on around them. They are hard to motivate. But Dave is one of the freest individuals I have ever seen in my whole life. Nothing intimidates him.

The phlegmatic is prone to be lazy, often appearing to drag his feet when he feels coerced into action against his will. He is content to watch without participating and seldom initiates projects or plans he is very capable of executing.

To avoid motivation from the other personality types, the phlegmatic person gives a cold shoulder to the enthused sanguine, teases the pessimistic melancholy, and meets the choleric’s excitement with levelheaded common sense to diffuse his vision of grandeur. If pushed, he can use his cool wit as a defense until everyone else is upset while he remains composed. I can talk to Dave about something and he knows just which buttons to push until I am almost exasperated while he remains as cool as he can be the whole time.

The phlegmatic weakness is selfishness. He seems to resist change more out of stubbornness than lack of interest. Most of the time, phlegmatics will let you have your way about whatever you want because their main goal in life is peace. But they have an ironclad will, and if they ever do make their mind up that you’re not going to do something, you might as well chill out because they will not be moved. Dave gets like that with me, and I cannot move him, manipulate him, or talk, beg, plead, cry, or throw fits enough to get him to change his mind.

Although selfishness is a basic weakness of all four temperaments, the phlegmatic may be cursed with the heaviest dose. This weakness leads to indecisiveness over the years that leaves him lagging behind the activity of the others. The price he has to pay to get or accomplish what he wants often outweighs his desire to have it. But through the work of the Holy Spirit, the phlegmatic can keep you steady when the storms of life are raging. They are solid rocks when you are seeking peace.

Sometimes people have other blends in their personality that for one reason or another have been repressed. The stronger part of their nature takes over, but the secondary temperament may need to be developed. This has been the case with Dave. After he came to work in the ministry full time in 1986, I noticed he was acting more like a choleric in many instances. Over the years this has increased to the point that he often seems as bossy as I am. He has a lot of important responsibility at the ministry, and I believe God developed this latent part of his personality at the time in life when he needed it. Had Dave been very strong willed when we got married, we might have killed each other. God brought out the phlegmatic side of him because that was all I could handle at the time.

After years of me bossing Dave around and him not saying much about it, he started confronting me one day. He politely and calmly told me that God had held him back all those years because I could not have taken direction from anyone else, but God had told him that the time had now come for him to begin confronting me. My flesh went wild and for a while I am sure Dave felt as if he was trying to break a wild horse, but in the end it was good for both of us. When you’re in a battle, always remember that the end result may be worth enduring the battle you’re in.

Actually, Dave has gotten stronger and I have gotten milder over the years. I really don’t mind letting other people be in charge; I’ve carried enough responsibility in my lifetime to last forever.

Understanding the various personality types and how they function can bring positive change to your relationships. Instead of trying the change the unchangeable, you can learn to draw from each other’s strengths to firmly establish the mutual goals you are working toward. I have tried to give you enough information about the four personalities to initiate your path to this vital interpersonal tool for understanding each other. (You may also want to listen to my teaching album “Understanding Your Mate’s Personality” for more information.) You can learn to love and appreciate your differences instead of letting them agitate and separate you from each other.

Understanding the various personality types and how they function can bring positive change to your relationships. You can learn how to draw from each other’s strengths to accomplish mutual goals.

Our personalities are God-given. I love to watch my grandkids interact with each other according to their personalities. One of our grandchildren is so melancholy — it is just unbelievable. He is a perfectionist who watches to see that he is getting what everybody else is getting. Another one is the bossy choleric. Another is the bubbly sanguine, always getting into trouble in school for talking and moving around. One is phlegmatic, and the fifth one at this time is a baby and we can’t tell yet about her. The five of them came from two of our children, and yet they all have different personalities — they were born different.

They are just born with a certain approach, and the best part of understanding them and myself is to realize that we’re not weird; we’re just different. This understanding will go a long way toward improving relationships.

16

TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment poured on the head, that ran down on the beard, even the beard of Aaron [the first high priest], that came down upon the collar and skirts of his garments [consecrating the whole body]. It is like the dew of [lofty] Mount Hermon and the dew that comes on the hills of Zion; for there the Lord has commanded the blessing, even life forevermore [upon the high and the lowly].

Psalm 133

A godly marriage results in unity between the married partners. In this place of agreement, the Lord commands blessing and life as God’s promised anointing comes upon a dwelling that is filled with peace. My hope is that once you see the blessing in store for couples who come into agreement, you will be eager to find and protect that place of peace in your own marriage.

I once speculated what would happen if two strong cholerics got married. Somebody offered, “They would kill each other.” Another couple in my seminar responded, “We are both choleric and we have been having a rough time. But we are glad to be hearing the teaching on personalities; now we realize that if we ever get in agreement on a goal, everyone else had better watch out because it is finished! It will happen.”