Making Marriage Work (19 page)

HOLY MATRIMONY

Through obedience we can bring holiness back into our marriages and return to God’s original plan for husbands and wives. When you study covenants that God blessed throughout the Bible, you will see that a godly promise was always sealed with the shedding of blood. There is a blood covenant that takes place between a man and woman when they first consummate their marriage. The woman’s hymen is broken during the first time she has intercourse and blood is shed to seal the vow of purity between them. How precious it is for a woman to be a virgin on her wedding day and be able to stand before her husband and her Lord with evidence of the shed blood to prove her faithfulness.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Dave, but those who suffered abuse and previous broken marriages, as I did, can come under the same covenant promise through the shed Blood of Jesus. We who suffered bad choices and impositions can stand before the Lord and our husbands and say, “Not by my might or power, but by the Spirit of the Lord, I make a covenant with you as we enter holy matrimony in the eyes of God.” (See Zechariah 4:6.)

We can pray Psalm 54:1 (
NIV
):

Save me, O God, by your name; vindicate me by your might.

The Blood of Jesus cleanses us of all sin and His Name empowers us to live a justified life in God. There is still a shedding of blood that makes a covenant between marriage partners and God’s blessing.

When a covenant is made, it is a promise to share ownership of all that one possesses with the other one. With God in this promise our inheritance is rich. When non-believers look upon such a marriage and see the glory of God’s presence uniting the two believers, they will be drawn to the light that surrounds that blessed couple. People will say “My, what a good God you serve. How can we know Him, too?”

No wonder the devil tries to pervert this covenant plan of God.

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IS THERE A NICER WAY TO SAY THAT?

The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them.

Proverbs 12:6
NIV

Verbal communication is important between two people who are trying to build a strong relationship. If people don’t develop good communication skills, problems can be provoked through simple misunderstandings between couples. There are various types of communication that need to be developed between couples to establish healthy relationships.

Some communication is simply for the purpose of sharing information that both parties need to know. Clear information saves a lot of confusion and a lot of misunderstanding. We ask our employees all the time to communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s amazing what a mess can take place in an office when somebody doesn’t bother to tell somebody else what they were doing or what they weren’t going to do. The same need for communicating information is needed for responsibilities that are shared at home.

Some people seem to live in their own little world, unaware of the need to pass information on to others. Perhaps they don’t realize how much information affects the plans of other people with whom they live and work, but it is selfish to continue to ignore the need for information that others have. Clear communication keeps down confusion and many misunderstandings.

How difficult is it for a wife to simply say, “Oh, honey, did you remember that Johnny’s ball game is tonight and that we need to be there at six o’clock?” That is far better than to wait until a father gets home from work only to find that he has to rush off suddenly, when he may have anticipated a chance to relax or had planned to finish some work after dinner. It is even worse for him to come home late and find that his wife and child are gone and he can’t recall where either of them might be.

Communication includes the art of leaving little reminders here and there to help others achieve the goals that are important to them. Reminders are always more pleasant than regrets of missing important deadlines.

“Remember now, you need to go to the bank today.”

“Remember now, I need you to do this.”

“Now, remember, I’m going to be half an hour late getting home tonight so …”

“Remember, it’s our anniversary this Friday and we are going out to dinner …”

Just a few informative, little words of communication can do a great work in building a healthy relationship.

Presumption and assumption cause strife in marriage. Which of the following two statements is the nicer way of sharing information?

Just a few informative, little words of communication can do a great work in building a healthy relationship.

“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I am going to go out with the guys tonight. I was sure you wouldn’t mind.” Or, “The guys would like to go bowling tonight if it won’t interfere with any plans we have. Is there anything you were wanting to do or is it O
K
to tell them to count me in?” While the first approach might hurt her feelings, the second approach is so considerate it might even inspire her to change her plans if she sees that another night will still work for what she had planned.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF COMMUNICATION

Some communication simply enhances fellowship and takes place by just talking together. When you share both your most intimate hopes and hesitations with each other, you build a mutual trust and admiration that bond you together. You don’t have an agenda or talk about anything intense; you just need time for a friendly exchange of ideas and conversation. Sharing information is more like talking at each other, while fellowship is talking to each other.

Couples need to appropriate time on a regular basis to sit down and share some face-to-face fellowship when they can converse with each other without distractions. What they share with each other doesn’t have to be any great earthshaking news. But the gift of undivided attention fills the craving left by loneliness that two people living in the same house can sometimes feel.

Sometimes I’ll tell Dave, “Just come in here, and sit down with me while we have a cup of coffee.” Or, when we have both been busy all morning and have been apart from each other I will find him and say, “Let’s take a break and go get a coffee.” Dave and I are together all the time, working at the same place, traveling together, and yet we still need to spend time just talking together. We understand the difference in talking at each other and talking to each other. Sometimes we need to communicate just for the fellowship.

If you really want to have good lines of communication to remain open between you and your spouse, then take an interest in your mate’s interests. Adapting to whatever your spouse is interested in is a way to build fellowship and find common topics to “just talk” about together. I believe that if you show an interest as unto the Lord that God will give you a true desire for it.

One of my daughters goes to the car races with her husband. This is not a sport she would naturally love. But she’s adapted to what her husband likes to do and even looks forward to spending this kind of time with her husband. My other daughter works out at the gym with her husband because that was something that he enjoyed when they first married.

I used to get unhappy because I thought Dave never wanted to “just talk.” I would pout about it and rehearse, “We don’t ever talk. We don’t ever talk.” The Lord interrupted me one day, saying, “You don’t ever want to talk to Dave about anything he’s interested in. You only want people to talk to you about what you are interested in. That’s selfishness.”

Dave loves sports, and I don’t know anything about sports. I adapted and learned to play golf, and I like saying that I’m even pretty good at it, too. Years ago, Dave taught me how to play right. I have a pretty good golf swing and enjoy a decent chance to keep up with the guys. I learned that I enjoyed what Dave was interested in after all. If you are willing to adapt to something, God can cause you to enjoy the very thing you thought you were not interested in.

I adapted to golf, but I honestly can’t handle football. I tried, but I cannot keep track of who has the ball. It takes forever to get two inches down the field! They throw the ball to somebody, pile on top of each other, and then go through the whole thing again. Believing that I am finally getting the idea of the game, I start rooting for someone and Dave says, “He doesn’t even have the ball!” At that point, I go find a good book to read while Dave watches the rest of the game.

Sometimes I listen to my husband when he talks to our friend Paul or son David. They just converse on and on, and I think, Well, why don’t you ever talk to me? But if I want him to talk to me, then I have to be willing to talk about some of the things he’s interested in and not just expect him to talk only about the things that interest me.

Recently I have started asking Dave a few questions about the sports he enjoys. I don’t have to ask many questions before he is willing to talk to me for a long time. I can provoke a lot of conversation with just one simple question such as, “When does the baseball season begin?” Ask God to show you what your partner is interested in and how to ask questions to show your interest in your partner. You will be sowing good seeds that will cause your spouse to want to talk to you about things that interest you.

Besides, listening and sharing interests is a way of showing respect. Respect your spouse enough to take an interest in what they enjoy as a loving act of giving yourself away to them. When you converse for fellowship, both talking and listening are required. Practice giving your spouse your undivided attention as often as you can. Talk about things he is interested in.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS

Don’t use this time of fellowship to challenge and provoke your partner. Galatians 5:26 says not to challenge and provoke others. The quickest way to close communication lines with someone is to challenge them.

We have a young grandson who is at the stage of growth when he challenges almost everything anyone says. He frequently says to another who is talking to him, “No, that is not the way it is!” That kind of a challenge is irritating even coming from a child, so imagine how irritating it is from an adult who is supposed to know better and be educated in how to treat other people.

There are times to challenge a person or to offer a differing opinion, but it certainly should not be done frequently or over insignificant matters.

As I mentioned earlier, communication consists of more than words. Voice tone, facial expressions, and body language reinforce the emphasis we place on what we say. I read once that 37 percent of communication is words and 63 percent is voice tone, facial expression, and body language. In reference again to our sexual relationship, for example, when Dave playfully comments that we need to find time to be alone together, I might say yes but convey through my body language that I wanted nothing to do with his suggestion by showing no further interest.

Communication consists of more than words. Voice tone, facial expressions, and body language reinforce the emphasis we place on what we say.

One of the main reasons why people don’t communicate well is because they have had bad experiences when trying to express their point. Many times those unsuccessful experiences have resulted from poor timing and insensitivity to God’s leading. Learn to wait until you sense the presence of God preparing the heart of the person with whom you need to communicate.

Timing is extremely important in good communication. If you start talking to someone who sighs and looks away it is fair to assume they don’t want to hear what you have to say or they are too distracted to pay attention to you at that time. We can cause ourselves trouble by not picking the right time to speak.

Timing is extremely important in good communication.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there’s a time to speak and a time to be silent. There’s a time to talk about a problem and there’s a time to leave it alone. That doesn’t mean that you should never talk about it, but you should look for the right time to discuss the topic on your heart if you want it to be received with a fair evaluation.

THE TIME FOR SILENCE

• Keep silent when you are angry.

I have learned the best time to discuss a problem is not when I’m mad. When anger is present is not a good time to try to work out a solution to a problem.

• Keep silent when you are tired.

The best time to try to discuss a problem is not when everybody’s tired and worn out.

• Keep silent when you are under unusual duress.

The best time to try to discuss a problem is not when there’s already stress coming at you from five or six other areas.

Choose a time when you feel the leading of the Holy Ghost opening the moment to express your needs. I have always been the kind of person who wants to settle an issue as soon as I notice it. I don’t have any problem confronting people about our differences. My problem has always been in trying to wait for God’s timing to solve a problem.

I have been in trouble enough times from communicating the wrong way at the wrong time that I am now choosing to wisely plan confrontation instead of quickly reacting as soon as I see the need of it. In the past, as soon as a problem appeared I would want to sit down and talk about it right then and there. I wanted to get the issue out in the open, get it over with, talk about it, and not let anyone leave until the problem was solved. I have finally learned to pray first, saying, “God, is this the right time?” A lot of times He will say, “No.” I still react to the shock of having to wait until God says, “Now you can say it.”

People who are quick to confront others get themselves into a lot of trouble by just barreling into issues without waiting for God’s timing. Those people with a strong personality are not inclined to put up with very much. If anything happens around you that doesn’t seem right, or just, or fair, or the way it should be, they immediately jump to make everything right again. They tell everybody the right way something ought to be done. Problems result when all of this is done without God’s leading.