Making Marriage Work (11 page)

I love what David prayed in Psalm 26:2,
Examine me, oh Lord, and prove me; test my heart and my mind.
What would happen if we started praying that way every day? “Test me, God, prove me. Look me over, God; examine me. And if there’s anything wicked in me, I want to know it.” We don’t need to be afraid to walk in the light of God’s truth. Light exposes every bug and every rat in the room, and when you turn the light on, they all start running for some corner to hide in. That’s exactly what happens when the light of God’s Word is shed on us. All the little bugs and rats like to start running away until the light goes out again.

James 1:2,3 tells us to be exceedingly joyful when we fall into all kinds of diverse temptations and tests, knowing the trying of our faith works patience. But, before trials brought patience out of me, a lot of other junk came out first such as fits of anger, jealously, resentment, and my bad temper. At first I thought the Word wasn’t working, but that’s how the Refiner’s fire works. When you apply heat, the impurities rise to the top first.

We don’t know what’s in us until we are tested. We don’t know what kind of faith we have until it’s tested. We don’t know what kind of endurance, steadfastness, or faithfulness we have until it’s been tried. We don’t know anything about being faithful to our spouse until that spouse is failing to do a few things we want them to do.

Most people try to run away from life when it gets hard. If God puts us around something hard, it’s for our benefit and our good so that we can build spiritual muscles by applying our faith in trusting Him. Many people leave a church if they don’t like it. If they don’t like a job, they leave. If they don’t like a neighbor, they move. If they don’t like a friend, if they don’t like their husband, they get another one. If they don’t like that one, they get another one and another one.

I thought every problem I had was Dave’s fault. I thought, If he’d quit doing this and that and something else, then I’d be happy. Or, If I didn’t have to work, I’d be happy. When I quit working and got bored, I thought, If I could work I’d be happy. If I could go out there and be with adults all day, instead of with all these kids, then I would be happy.

One day, Dave said, “Look, you wanted to quit working, and we let you quit working. It hurt us financially, but you quit working. Now you are not happy because you are not working. If you want to work, go back to work, but then you won’t be happy, You’ll want to quit working.”

He continued, “Joyce, I have done everything I know to make you happy. I give up. I don’t know how to make you happy. Guess what — I’m tired of trying.” And then he sadly concluded, “You just about have me to the point where I can’t stand you.”

Now, thank God, that’s been more than twenty-five years ago since I first realized that I had myself on my own mind too much. But even now I have to maintain the freedom I have gained by standing against selfish, self-centeredness, remembering to be adaptable, not to make mountains out of molehills, and countless other things. Meditate for a moment on how many marriages would be saved if people were not selfish. Perhaps you know one right now that is bordering on disaster, and the root cause is nothing other than selfishness. If so, why not give them a copy of this book and pray it will have an impact on their life. If the person you know is you, then you’re in good shape because you have the answer in your hand that you have been looking for — a book filled with godly principles that will show you the way to happiness and fulfillment.

7

MAY I CHOP THAT FRUIT FOR YOU?

And the harvest of righteousness (of conformity to God’s will in thought and deed) is [the fruit of the seed] sown in peace by those who work for and make peace [in themselves and in others, that peace which means concord, agreement, and harmony between individuals, with undisturbedness, in a peaceful mind free from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts].

James 3:18

God’s goal for our relationships with others is peace. From the Scripture above we learn that harmony with others results from conforming to God’s will for us. God knows the healing power of a loving act, and He calls us to minister peace in our homes before He calls us to minister outside of our homes.

When I get up in the morning, sometimes God tells me to do things for Dave that I don’t want to do. For example, Dave likes to eat fruit salads. He likes everything all cut up in a bowl. I don’t mind taking him an apple, an orange, and a banana, but he wants it all cut up. Then he wants his vitamins and his orange juice and his coffee.

A few years ago we started having a housekeeper come in during the week. She takes care of Dave’s fruit salad, vitamins, orange juice, and coffee and she’s great, but one day, when it was a holiday, I went downstairs to make coffee in the morning and I was not in the humor to do anything but get my coffee and go back to my room. I wanted to pray and be with God.

God’s goal for our relationships with others is peace.

That’s our problem — we are so spiritual that we just want to “be with God” but don’t want to do anything Jesus tells us to do. He said that we need to serve each other. That particular holiday morning, the Holy Ghost started putting it in my heart to make that fruit salad for Dave. I got a banana and stuck it on the tray. The Holy Ghost said, “Fruit salad.”

I didn’t want to make the fruit salad. I really didn’t want to make it. I even said, “I don’t want to — I want to go pray.” Then the Lord said to me, “Joyce, serving Dave is serving Me.”

So I made the fruit salad.

And the harvest of righteousness (of conformity to God’s will in thought and deed) is [the fruit of the seed] sown in peace by those who work for and make peace [in themselves and in others …
(James 3:18). Peace is something that we sow and then work for in ourselves and in others. The reward is harmony, agreement, and a peaceful mind free from fears, agitating passions, and moral conflicts. Suddenly, in light of God’s Word, making fruit salad for Dave was more than an act of conforming to God’s will; it was seed that brought peace and joy in my life.

My initial bad attitude reflects the heart of many Christians who will do something in the church for somebody else as their “ministry,” but if they do that same thing for someone in their family, they think they’re being turned into a slave. But if ministry doesn’t work at home, it’s not working.

If I’m willing to do something in the church as “my ministry,” but won’t do it at home, then I have to question myself and find out what is making the difference. Many times at church someone is usually kind enough to tell me how wonderful I was for what I did. They clap and cheer and pat me on the back, when if I do the same thing at home, I may not even get thanked.

How much quicker are we to do something if there’s a little something in it for us — a little recognition, a little bit of money, a little bit of promotion, a little bit of favor? I read a statement in a book about love that tore my life up. The author said, “If you want to measure your love life, watch and see how you treat people that can do you no earthly good. If your actions are not coming out of a right heart — if you are doing it to be seen — you have lost your reward. If you are doing it to be well thought of, you have lost your reward.” He said, “Do good works in secret; do them to honor God, not to get something for yourself.”

God anoints us so we can do something to make somebody else’s life better. True happiness is found in the joy you feel after ministering to your spouse and family Soon, you will want to find other hurting people with whom you can share your gifts, but in most homes today there are enough hurting people in our living rooms who desperately need us.

One morning several years ago on a Sunday, lying in bed next to Dave, I woke up and started thinking about how I could talk him out of watching the football game that day. (The devil likes to get in your brain before you are fully awake.) There I was, lying there having just woken up, planning how I could get Dave to do what I wanted. Mind you, I didn’t care that he had worked all week and really liked to watch the game on Sunday. I had only myself on my mind: I have been stuck here with these kids all week, and Dave needs to do something with me to give me a break.

Most of us think about what we need, and seldom consider what others around us may need. Many couples are getting divorces because one or both of them feel as though the other person never thinks about his or her own needs. But if that same individual were thinking about the needs of their spouse, the way they wish their spouse was thinking of them, they would be sowing seeds that God could return in a harvest to satisfy their own needs. Why is it easier to wait for others to do the right things first before we will do likewise?

LEAD THE WAY IN LOVE

So on this particular morning, as I was lying in bed thinking about how I could get Dave to take me out to eat and get the kids to clean the house, the Holy Ghost spoke to me. He said:

“Joyce, sometimes you remind me of a little robot. You get up in the morning, and you stand by your bed, and the devil runs up to you and winds you up real tight as though you have a little metal winder on your back.” I could see how I looked to the Lord as He said, “This is the way you look to me all day — you walk around like a robot, saying over and over in a voice that sounds like a robot’s, ‘What about me? What about me? What about me?
BEEP
!
BEEP
! What about me? What about me …?’”

Make a choice to quit trying to preserve yourself; just give yourself away. Just say:

God, here I am. You do what You want with me. Show me where You want me to serve.

I am fed up with thinking about myself, talking about myself, trying to provide for myself, worrying over what everybody thinks of me, what they’re saying about me, why they’re not doing what I want them to do for me, and why they’re not getting me gifts.

I don’t want to think about myself — about what’s right with me, about what’s wrong with me — I just want to get myself off my mind. God, if I’m going to change, You will have to change me. If I’m going to have anything, You will have to give it to me.

All I know is that I’m going to give my life from this point on to make somebody else happy, and if You can’t make me happy, I’ll stay miserable all my life. But I am finished with trying to do it myself.

Happiness is found in living a “giving lifestyle.” Happiness is found in giving things away. Give away compliments to people who don’t have any to give back to you. Give away time to people who need help. Give away love to people who have never learned to express love themselves, and especially give these things to your own family, too. Carry “seed” in your pocket all the time, and look for opportunities to bring peace where there is chaos, harmony where there is dissension, and agreement where there is contention. Make a decision to be a radical blessing to your spouse, family, and world of influence.

Be a radical blessing to your spouse, family and world of influence.

Pray:

Lord, anoint my heart right now and break the yokes of bondage that keep me from serving others.

Help me to see that happiness will come by pouring myself out to others — not through dribbling out a few little blessings every now and then — but by pouring myself out.

Fill my mind with ways that I can be a blessing to the ones I love and the ones who need love.

I will not allow laziness to stand in my way of loving someone.

BUT WHAT IF IT
IS
THEIR FAULT?

Sometimes, the problems in your marriage may really be the fault of your spouse. You can be doing everything right and still face grief and disappointment. But, if you continue to do what is right, even if your spouse is not responding, righteousness will cultivate a harvest of blessing, and God will honor your obedience. So don’t give up.

Many men and women enter marriage with serious insecurities that challenge their relationships. Having firsthand experience with these issues, I want to discuss how low self-esteem affects a marriage and how to live with an insecure person.

A pastor once came to me at a conference and said, “I don’t know if you feel led to or not, but I feel it would help women if they would understand that some men have been abused, too. In many instances men have been taught that they are not supposed to cry or show emotions. How a man is raised and what happens to him in the first few years of his life can greatly affect his marriage relationship.”

Of course, I had experienced this myself for years. Many times we try to deal with bad behavior without ever getting down to the real root of what the problem is. Jesus said, “I will restore your soul.” Only the Word of God has the power to get on the inside of us and change us; it’s not our behavior so much that needs to be changed. It’s the inside of us that needs to be changed and then the changes in our behavior just follow suit.

When Dave and I were first married, I did not comprehend that the abuse that I had gone through in my past had anything to do with my current behavior. I believed that’I was a new creature in Christ and that old things had passed away, and legally that’s true. But experientially, newness in Christ has to be walked out in your life. Even though Jesus comes to live in your spirit, there still is a work that has to be done in your soul.

Your soul is your mind, your will, and your emotions. Your soul harbors your thinking skills where you rationalize and justify what happens to you. We are living in a society today in which, I would venture to say, the large majority of people with whom we come into contact are dysfunctional in the ability to “think through” the best way to respond to a situation. Consequently, they display dysfunctional behavior.

I define dysfunctional behavior as not functioning the way God intended for a person to function. We look at dysfunctional people and think, What is your problem? What is wrong with you? Then we spend our time trying to change them, or we simply reject them.