Make the Ghost of It (Witch Woods Funeral Home Book 3): (Ghost Cozy Mystery series) (5 page)

I ran my hands through my hair. “Mom, you really have to stop being verbally abusive toward me. You should show me some support for once. All you ever do is complain about me. I know you’re upset that Dad left the business to me, but instead of trying to help me, all you’ve done is make snide little remarks to me the whole time.” I crossed my arms over my chest, expecting Mom to go into one of her rages.

Instead, a calculating look passed over her face. “I’m very hurt, Laurel,” she said in the voice that she always used to gain sympathy.

“That voice won’t work on me, Mom. You forget who you’re talking to.”

Mom narrowed her eyes. “I
will
be supportive, Laurel. You’ll be surprised at
just how
supportive I’ll be!”

I realized she had taken my words as a challenge. Oh well, how bad could it be if she went over the top in being supportive? Surely that could only be a good thing.

I left abruptly, fearful I would say something rude. I went outside to see Basil’s sheep, as I always did when I needed to relax. It was good to be in the fresh air, with nature, and to be with sheep that were always nice to me, no matter what. It was only when I reached their fence that I realized I hadn’t locked my office. At any rate, it was too late now. If Mom was going to snoop, then she would have already gotten any information that was available.

Chapter 9

By the following morning, I was quite stressed. I was in that awkward time with Basil when we weren’t actually a couple, but we were almost a couple. Things would have gone more smoothly if Lewis hadn’t been murdered in that in-between time. And I had been unable to speak with Basil, because the police had taken him in yet again for questioning.

I met Pastor Green at the door, and he looked even more stressed than I was. Pastor Green wasn’t a man who normally looked stressed, and that was a miracle in itself given that Mom and Ian were in his congregation. “Hi, Pastor Green. Please come into my office and we can go over the service. Would you like coffee?”

“No thanks, Laurel. Tell me, what do you know about the deceased?”

I shrugged. “Really, I don’t know anything. He was a friend of Basil’s, or at least he went to college with him. Haven’t you spoken to Norbert, and Lewis’s fiance, Violet? I gave them your number.”

By now we had reached my office, and I held the door open for the pastor. When we had both taken our seats, he continued. “They called me just to confirm the time, but when I asked them about Mr. Lowes, they didn’t say much at all.”

“Did you speak with Norbert or Violet?” I asked him.

“Both of them, actually,” the Pastor said, raising his eyebrows. “It seems they are sharing a hotel room.”

“That was the impression I had, too,” I said.

“Neither of them could tell me anything much about Lewis. I said I needed to say something about him at the service, but they didn’t seem at all interested. To tell you the truth, Laurel, this has never happened to me before. Usually people are most forthcoming about the deceased. They usually tell me all sorts of anecdotes about the person, what their life was like, and so on.”

I chewed the end of the pen, and tried to ignore Lewis who had materialized behind the Pastor.

“I told you Norbert killed me!” Lewis said angrily. “He took my fiancée, and that was his motive for killing me. I told you he was always jealous of me! It was him, I tell you!” His voice had risen to a high pitch.

“Sorry, Pastor Green,” I said. “My mind just wandered. What did you say again?” I shot Lewis a glare hoping he would go away, but he didn’t.

“I said that I tried to call Basil to ask him more about Lewis, but he wasn’t answering his cell phone.”

I rubbed my temples. “Unfortunately, it seems Basil is the police’s main, in fact only, suspect in Lewis’s murder.”

“Oh, that’s awful,” Pastor Green said.

Ernie materialized next to Lewis. “The two lovebirds have just arrived,” he announced, earning a glare from Lewis. Just then the front door chimed.

“That’s probably Norbert and Violet now,” I said to Pastor Green.

I opened the door to see Norbert and Violet, and a tall man standing next to them. He was gripping Violet’s arm, presumably in a gesture of support, but she was leaning away from him.

Norbert at once introduced the man as Theo Derringer. “He was the second in command to Lewis,” he said. “You know, in Lewis’s accounting firm.”

I nodded, and in turn introduced Pastor Green. I ushered them inside, into the memorial room. While the four of them were making small talk, I took the opportunity to study Theo. He reminded me of a snake. He was tall and very skinny, and somewhat stooped, yet his face had a youthful quality about it. His eyes, however, darted from side to side, and were small and glittering. They were an unusual amber color, amber irises surrounding tiny black pupils. The only time I had seen eyes like that before was on a deadly Eastern Brown snake. I just hoped he wasn’t about to strike.

Yet when he finally did speak, he was completely garrulous. Words gushed from him just as water had gushed from my pipes that morning when the plumber had attempted, unsuccessfully, to plumb in my bathroom. It looked like I would have to continue to use the cosmetician room facilities for a while longer.

People were starting to arrive, so I slipped into my role as a hostess. Theo followed me, allegedly to assist me, but I still felt uneasy around him. He leaned forward to whisper in my ear, and his words came out with a hiss like a snake. “Did you know that Lewis did not have any family?” he said.

I edged away from him. “Yes, Norbert mentioned that to me yesterday.”

Theo made a sound that was halfway between a chuckle and the sound I imagined that someone would make if they were being strangled. “Most of the people here will be Lewis’s, um, well let’s just call them ex-girlfriends.” He sniggered, and then I remembered who he reminded me of. He looked just like a younger Mr. Burns from
The Simpsons
. At any rate, he was now Number Three on my Suspects List.

“So, Theo,” I said, “you obviously knew Lewis very well, working with him.”

Theo nodded. “Yes, I’ve known him for years and years. Do you have any security here?”

I was taken aback by the question. “Why? Will I need them?” My imagination ran wild.

Theo rubbed his hands together. “I think there could be a catfight if Mandy Holmes turns up. She was Lewis’s girlfriend before Violet Pendleberry. There’s no love lost between them.”

I decided to be blunt. “I thought Violet was Lewis’s fiancée?”

Theo continued to look around the room. “Yes, that’s right.”

“Did Lewis know that she was having an affair with Norbert?”

Theo turned his attention back to me. “Who knows? He wasn’t a clean potato himself, if you get my meaning.”

I thought that over. It was as if Theo already knew that Norbert and Violet were together, but Lewis sure hadn’t. What if Theo was in it with Norbert? Or, on the other hand, perhaps he was just used to this type of thing from Lewis and his long succession of girlfriends.

And a long succession of girlfriends was right. There were about twenty women in the room, all of them young and beautiful, and all of them casting nasty glances at each other, and even nastier glances at Violet. Norbert and Violet were doing their best to stay at the other end of the room.

Just then, Basil burst through the door. He saw me at once and hurried over. “I’m so sorry I’m late, Laurel,” he said. He kissed me on the cheek, and my stomach did flip-flops.

“Basil, this is Theo Derringer,” I managed to say.

The two men shook hands. “What a terribly sad occasion,” Theo said. “One never knows when they might go. Here one minute, gone the next. Why, it could happen to anyone. I bet when Lewis woke up that morning, he had no idea that he would end up dead by the end of the day.”

Basil and I just looked at him.

Undaunted, he pushed on. “And was he staying with you, Basil?”

“No, he was staying at a local hotel with his fiancée, Violet.”

“I didn’t know that!” I said with surprise.

“So Violet was in town when Lewis was killed?”

Basil nodded. “Apparently so, from what the police said, albeit in a roundabout way. Norbert was also here, and staying in the very same hotel.”

I saw Theo listening with interest, so I thought it best not to say anything more. So Lewis and Violet had come here together, and Norbert was staying in the hotel, too. That gave both Violet and Norbert access to Lewis’s parachute. So why hadn’t the police called either of them in for questioning?

A woman walked past and smiled at Theo, and then gave Basil the once-over.

“How did Norbert and Violet know to contact all these ex-girlfriends?” I asked Theo. “Surely Violet didn’t personally know all Lewis’s conquests?”

“No, that was me,” Theo said. “As Lewis’s second in command, I had all the contact numbers of his girlfriends.”

I was surprised by that. “Surely not?” I asked him. “You weren’t his personal assistant!”

Theo’s face darkened. “Lewis often treated me like one,” he said, but then appeared to catch himself as he forced a smile.

I looked up and saw Pastor Green trying to get my attention. “Excuse me, Theo,” I said. “I think Pastor Green wants to start the service now.”

Theo walked down to take his seat at the front, while I took up my position at the back of the room. From there I could keep an eye on the proceedings. “You go and have a seat, Basil,” I urged him. “I’ll have to stay back here.”

Pastor Green launched into a speech about Lewis. I wondered how he could be so creative, talking about someone he had never met. While he was used to doing so, usually the loved ones had given him a lot more to go on than Violet and Norbert had.

Just then, the door opened. Everyone turned to look at the late arrivals, and all looked shocked. From where I was standing, the door itself obscured my view of whoever it was, but they seemed to be creating quite a stir. As they shut the door behind then, I realized why.

It was Mom. For some bizarre reason, she was wearing a brown wig with long, intricately tied braids with a blue bow and ribbons. Her dress was of blue gingham check and her blouse had white puff sleeves. Her socks were blue, and I did a double-take when I saw that her shoes were red.

Now it was beginning to make sense. When Mom snooped around my office, she must have seen my notes on the Wizard of Oz funeral for the following week. That, together with her declaring that she was going to be more supportive from now on, had led to her dressing as Dorothy and attending this funeral, a funeral she had obviously confused with the Wizard of Oz funeral. I almost felt sorry for her.

Ian was a whole other matter. He had a bright red, studded leather collar around his neck, and he was wearing a dark gray furry dog suit, along with a black mask complete with dog ears. I think Mom had tried to dress him as Toto, but had somehow missed the mark. The impression that he gave was not Wizard of Oz at all, and by the looks on everyone’s faces, I didn’t think I was the only one with that thought. It also didn’t help that Mom had him on a leash and he was crawling on his hands and knees.

Chapter 10

I knew I had to get Mom away from the funeral. Bizarrely, she didn’t appear to be perturbed by the fact that nobody else was dressed up. Pastor Green cleared his throat loudly, causing everyone to look back to the front. He continued the service. Mom found a seat and made herself comfortable, while Ian sat on his haunches in the aisle next to her.

I shuffled over to her, trying my best not to disturb anybody too much as I shoved past them and took a seat next to her. “Mom,” I hissed. “What are you doing?”

“Be quiet, Laurel. He’s giving a euphemism,” Mom replied without looking at me. Ian also maintained his direct stare at Pastor Green, and that was significantly creepier due to his outfit.

I sighed. “Eulogy, Mom, not euphemism. Why are you dressed like that?” I was sure I knew the answer, but I wanted her to reach the conclusion on her own. If I flat out told her that this wasn’t the Wizard of Oz funeral, she’d find some way to turn it against me. I could imagine it vividly.
Oh, Laurel, you’re so paranoid. I had no idea about a Wizard of Oz funeral. I can’t believe you’d accuse me of snooping around your office.
I considered for a moment that having an argument with her might be less embarrassing than just having them around, although I quickly realized that drawing attention to myself in their presence was the last thing I wanted or needed.

“Because I’m at a
funeral
, Laurel. Please be quiet! You’re acting very strangely.” Mom said this with such a straight face that for a brief moment I felt like
I
was the insane one. That feeling passed when I noticed she was still gripping Ian’s leash.

We sat in the most awkward silence of my life for several minutes until Pastor Green was done. I found myself marveling at his ability to keep a straight face and continue speaking normally, especially given that more than half the crowd kept turning around to stare at my mother and Ian. I considered walking away several times, but didn’t want to have to push past anybody and draw more attention to myself.

I’d spent the better part of the eulogy thinking up ways to get Mom out of the funeral, but had drawn nothing but blanks. I thought that perhaps it was best simply to leave her there to enjoy the funeral. After all, was she really hurting anyone? I sighed when I realized that leaving Mom with Ian on a leash was potentially the least damaging thing I could do.

The speeches didn’t take long to wrap up. Pastor Green’s had been by far the best of the bunch, and the others, from a handful of ex-girlfriends, had been passive aggressive at best, borderline violent at worst. Each had focused on her own relationship with Lewis, and how much better hers was than anybody else’s. Frankly, it was awful to listen to, but it also made extremely sad. Nobody seemed to know Lewis well, except perhaps on a very shallow level. If I hadn’t known him better, I’d have felt sorry for him.

At the moment, though, I had bigger problems. Mom was still wearing her ridiculous getup, which would not be so bad had she not insisted on bringing Ian on a leash. To my dismay, I found her approaching a small group of guests and striking up a conversation.

I considered how quickly I could run out of the room, and how much it would damage my social and professional standing if I were to be seen sprinting away into the sunset. I figured that, unfortunately, it would probably do more damage than simply being the woman who handled the crazy stranger with a man on a leash. I approached my mother, listening to the conversation she was having and looking for my chance to jump in and get her to leave.

“And might I ask why you have a man on a leash?” a woman asked Mom. It was a perfectly reasonable question, albeit one nobody should ever have to ask.

“Oh, he’s not a man. He’s my pet.” Mom made the unfortunate decision to wink as she said it, and for a brief moment I thought the woman she was talking to might throw up.

“Excuse me, Mo… err, Thelma,” I said as I approached, desperate to save the poor stranger. I decided to bite the bullet and just tell her the truth. “This isn’t the Wizard of Oz themed funeral. That one’s next week.”

Mom looked at me like I’d just told her a nuclear missile was headed straight for us. Her eyes widened, and Ian looked like he was about to pass out. “Of course, I know that,” she said, struggling to maintain an even smile. “Now, please excuse us. I left the oven on and Ian needs to help me turn it off.”

I didn’t know my mother could move so fast, especially with Ian on a leash running on his hands and knees. They vanished from sight before I could blink.

I looked back to see Pastor Green giving me a thumbs up from the crowd of people, and I smiled back. I had at least helped make Lewis’s funeral a little less depressing, but being here was making Lewis’s death feel more real. Seeing him as a ghost had made me feel as though he’d never really died, but seeing these people mourn—or rather, not mourn—made me feel sorry for Lewis. It also made me sorrier for Basil, who was the prime suspect. I had to get to the bottom of Lewis’s murder, and soon.

I crossed over to the door to shut it, but the two detectives burst into the room. I opened my mouth to speak to them, but they bypassed me, and to my horror, headed straight for Basil.

As they led Basil past me, he stopped to tell me not to worry, and then he was gone.

I turned my attention to the food. Pastor Green was already steering people to the room where we always served tea, coffee, and finger food after a service. As usual, I had prepared it before the service. I was worrying about Basil. Why would they question him, let him go, and then take him in again for questioning? It made no sense.

I was surprised to see Mom return. I expected she would’ve been embarrassed, but there she was as large as life, yet without Ian. I was talking to Norbert and Violet, so introduced Mom when she came over. I hoped they wouldn’t connect her with the woman in fancy dress from earlier. Mom was delighted to find out that Violet had been Lewis’s fiancée.

“What a lovely man he was,” Mom said. She reached for Violet’s hand and patted it. I could see Violet wanted to snatch it back. “At least you have the blessed assurance that Lewis is up there now.” She pointed at the ceiling.

Norbert appeared to be confused. “What do you mean? In a plane?”

My mother laughed. “Goodness gracious, no. Up there in heaven with God, like all other righteous before him.”

I took Mom’s arm in an attempt to steer her away from them but she resisted. “Isn’t it wonderful to have the assurance that you’re going to heaven, rather than to know you will suffer eternal damnation in hell for your sins?”

Norbert made a horrible strangling sound, and then excused himself. Violet looked somewhat uncomfortable. “Norbert had a difficult childhood,” she explained. “His parents were in a very strict church where they always preached fire and brimstone. It’s left emotional scars.” With that, she hurried over to comfort Norbert.

“That was most confusing,” my mother said, turning to me. “Why would preaching fire and brimstone give anyone emotional scars? It’s exactly what they need.”

Before I could stop her, she hurried over to Norbert and was soon loudly informing him of that fact. I hurried over to rescue him, but just as I reached them, Violet excused herself. “We have to go to the reading of Lewis’s will later today.”

Mom hurried after them, offering to lend them a copy of a sermon entitled,
Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God
.