Make Me Whole (10 page)

Nick rubbed his palms on his jeans, then leaned forward to grab his beer. Rory launched from his shoulder with a raucous cry and glided over to his cage where he continued his barrage of irritated calls. “No, I’m not seeing anyone.” He took a long swallow of his beer, his gaze everywhere but on Galen. “Are you still partying every night?”

He didn’t say what Galen knew had to be uppermost in his thoughts. Was he still sleeping around? Fair enough. He could understand why it would be a deal breaker for Nick at this point.

“There hasn’t been anybody since you.”

Nick’s eyes jerked toward him, widening. “For real?”

“You showed me how empty it was. Besides, it would’ve defeated the purpose of getting my head clear. I don’t want random strangers anymore.”

Nick looked as if he wanted to say something. Instead, he rose and walked over to the bird cage and fussed with it. Galen watched him and gave Nick a chance to gather his thoughts. The tension over the statues had broken, and the big question that had loomed over him ever since he’d decided to call Nick had been answered. They’d both had a chance to bring up the past and now Galen didn’t know where to go from here.

Their future remained uncertain, a dark labyrinth rising up before him. If he opened up the door and Nick stepped through, he’d be vulnerable again. Six months ago the thought would’ve had him both angry and scared and not even willing to consider it. Now, after seeing Nick again, remembering all those things he’d missed about him, had him thinking that no matter what the future held, not trying would be the worst thing he could do.

“What do you want?” Nick asked with his back still to Galen.

Galen hesitated at the question. What right did he have to ask Nick for another chance? Nick turned toward him and cocked his head to the side. “Come on, when you called, what were you looking for? A hookup for old time’s sake? A few drinks at a bar before we went cruising?”

Galen stood up and walked over to Nick. He’d wondered for so long if he’d imagined the hum of energy between them. If anything he’d downplayed it. The currents were still there and they still tugged at him. He was aware of Nick all along his skin, and they hadn’t even touched yet. When he neared, Nick shifted as if he was about to step back, but he didn’t.

“I wanted to ask you out on a date.”

Nick wet his lips and stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. Galen resisted the instinctive urge to lean in closer and kiss him. He wanted to know if Nick still wore the same aftershave. If Galen pressed against him would Nick have the faint spicy scent that had haunted Galen for weeks after he’d left?

“A date?”

“I know it wasn’t our MO back then. I want something different this time. I want us to really get to know each other in a way I wouldn’t have let happen when we were together before. I wouldn’t have called you if I wasn’t serious. I’m not trying to play games with you.”

Nick’s green eyes darkened, and he shoved a hand through his hair, making the tumbled spikes stand out even more in random tufts. “Let me think about it.”

“Fair enough.” Galen resisted the urge to touch him, because if he did, he knew he’d kiss him. If nothing had changed, that would lead to the both of them naked in Nick’s bed, and Galen wanted to show him things
had
changed. Nick was already wary enough of him; no need to add fuel, to make Nick think he was after sex before leaving again.

Besides, he hadn’t come here for seduction tonight. He wanted to figure out what was happening with the statues and whether or not he’d be able to keep them for his exhibit. Okay, that was a lie. He’d also wanted to know if Nick was still single and interested. Now that Galen knew where he stood, time to back off.

“It’s getting late. I’d better go.” Galen turned away and retrieved his flash drive. “Do you think we could get together sometime tomorrow? I’d like to talk about the statues again. Between us we might figure out what’ll happen next.”

Nick seemed to be relieved about the change in topic, and it gave Galen a little pang of regret to see it. “Yeah, why don’t I come by after closing hours? I’ll bring us some dinner, we can talk about it and check out the exhibit again. Maybe we can trigger another visit from Dexios.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Bring the journals too. I wouldn’t mind taking a closer look at them.” Galen frowned as he thought about what he’d seen on the tape. He did not want to be possessed again, to have someone else control him. “You said you’d read about the statues changing. Was there anything about possession or anybody getting hurt?”

Nick’s brow furrowed, and he shook his head slowly. “I don’t remember anything in them that applies to what happened to you, but it’s been a while. And I’m sure there’s nothing violent in them. I would’ve remembered that. So, I think you’re pretty safe.”

“Okay, that makes me feel a little better.” If Galen looked at the situation with a clear mind, the worst that had happened to him was the embarrassing fainting spell. Dexios had taken care of him instead of leaving him crumpled on the floor and that had to stand for something.

Nick walked him to the door and dropped his gaze to Galen’s mouth. Galen’s heart pounded. The tension spiked and then faded under a wave of uncertainty. Nick stepped back, his eyes showing the same emotions Galen felt. It was like neither one of them had a clue where they should go from here. “Good night, Galen.”

“Night.”

Galen walked away, sensing Nick’s stare hot on the back of his neck all the way to the outside stairwell. And when he got home, he relived every moment of the whole day. While the statues were one mystery, Nick’s heart was a whole other one.

“I
CANNOT
stay, Dexios.” Lykon glanced toward his love and continued to roll his few belongings up in his cloak. He hated that look in Dexios’s eyes, that confused, hurt, desperate gaze. In the years that he’d known Dexios, he’d never seen an expression like that before on his face.

“We made a promise to each other. Do you remember? We vowed that when the campaign ended we would stay together. You cannot mean to foreswear that oath.”

The quiet desolation in Dexios’s voice made Lykon question his resolve. He never wanted to hurt Dexios.

“I remember.” That night had been special, blessed by the gods, but they could not stay in their little nest, wrapped up in each other to the exclusion of nothing else. “I am sorry, I need to see to this by myself.”

“What is so urgent that you have to return home now and so secretive that I cannot go with you?” Dexios caught his arm as Lykon started to tie up the bundle. “Look at me, curse you. Look at me and tell me why.”

Lykon pulled back, and his heart ached. He couldn’t think when Dexios touched him. All he could think of was sinking into Dexios’s embrace and agreeing to all the plans his lover had for them without giving them full consideration. He needed to get away, get some perspective before he made such decisions.

He considered and discarded several excuses before he decided that he owned Dexios the truth.

“This passion between us, it….” He paused and tried to find the right word. It unsettled him. “It is too strong. There is no reason with it. I agreed to abandon my family for you without thought of consequence. I did not think the vow through, and it is not like me.”

“Your family does not need you anymore than my family needs me. They are cared for and their needs seen to. We shed blood for their safety for these last few years. Why should we sacrifice more? It is not as if we are leaving them destitute.” Dexios grabbed Lykon’s shoulder, and Lykon wondered if it would be the last time he felt the grip of those strong fingers. Would Dexios wait for him, or would he find another to fill his life? “They do not need you, I do.”

Lykon could not harden his heart against that naked plea. Dexios was not a man who normally let himself be so vulnerable, and the thought frightened him even more. How could he live up to such expectations that Dexios had for them? Lykon had seen passion flare and die once too often. Better to hurt Dexios now, before they got in too deep, than hurt him more later on.

And if Lykon harbored doubts now, what did that mean? Time and distance would clear his thoughts, and then he could make a decision about his future. Not here and now, clouded by the way Dexios made him feel.

“I am sorry, Dexios. I need to think this through on my own.” His lover’s hand fell away from Lykon’s shoulder, and the ache in his heart intensified in response. He wanted to say he would return, but he didn’t know that for certain. He’d already broken one promise. He didn’t want to give Dexios false hope and break another.

“Will you return to me?”

Lykon flinched at the quiet question. Even now, Dexios seemed able to read his thoughts. His lover knew him like no other. “I will make no more vows to you until I am sure I can keep them. I do not know if I will return. I want to, yet I do not know what the morrow will bring. Give me this time I need, Dexios. Please.”

“You ask much of me.”

Lykon turned to face Dexios, and when he reached out to touch his face, Dexios stepped back out of reach. “You asked much of me too.”

“You could have asked for time before you made your promise. I would not have denied you.” The vehemence in Dexios’s voice took Lykon aback. He did not want to part with Dexios harboring such anger toward him. Even if it had merit.

“I should have. I did not think, not when you were looking at me the way you were. When you do that I find it impossible to refuse you anything.” Lykon sighed and finished tying his bundle together. He could not give in this time, or he would always have doubts that he made the right decision. “That is what you do, you catch me up in your net, and I abandon all thought. Perhaps I should have done it before. It seemed senseless to think ahead when we did not know if we would survive each day.”

“If you find it impossible to refuse me, then do not do it now.” Lykon closed his eyes as Dexios stepped toward him and cupped his face. He savored the sensation of those calloused palms against his cheek. The heaviness in his chest grew until it became a weighted rock that threatened to crush him. It would be too easy to lean in and kiss him, give in and let Dexios carry him away with his plans for their life.

He wished he had Dexios’s strength of purpose, to have the certainty without doubt or fear. He’d lived the last few years with that uncertainty every day, not knowing what the day would bring, what horrors he’d see. And he’d dealt with it by living in the moment, ignoring the morrow and laughing the fear away. Now that it had all changed again he was as lost as a boat on the sea in a fierce storm. If he didn’t ground himself, he’d be swept away.

“You do not understand. You are so sure of our future, of us. Do you not want me to have the same surety?” Lykon whispered and felt Dexios stiffen, the tenderness fleeing from his cupped hands.

“You are right. I do not understand how you can have doubts about us.” Dexios’s hands fell away, and it seemed as though an abyss had dropped the ground away between them. Lykon opened his eyes and flinched from the mute betrayal in Dexios’s gaze. Dexios’s reaction was far worse than Lykon had feared it would be.

“Have I ever betrayed a confidence or treated you in a manner not to your liking, Lykon? Have I ever given you reason to doubt my commitment to you? I thought we belonged together. Perhaps I was mistaken.”

“I only ask for time.”

“No, you ask for time with no assurances given. You expect me to let you walk away while you leave me with nothing save for the hope that you may return. How long am I supposed to wait for you to think, for you to discover what it is you want? How am I supposed to know it will not happen again if you do come back?”

Lykon wanted to ask for his trust, yet how could he when it seemed as if he had no trust in Dexios by taking this time for himself? A visit home would clear his mind, give Dexios a chance to do the same.

“I will not leave you in darkness, wondering and waiting.” He flung his bundle over his back. He should start out. He had a long trek back to his home and an even longer journey awaited Dexios. “I will get word to you. This does not have to be good-bye.”

Dexios took a step back, his expression cold and hurt. “Why should I believe you when you will not even try now?” With that he turned and walked away, and Lykon sensed a gaping emptiness inside of him as he watched him go until he disappeared over the hill. More than once he almost called out to him, and each time the words died on his tongue.

I love you. Please wait.

Lykon had no right to ask that. He’d find a way to make this up to Dexios, once he was able to get some perspective. He did not want any regrets later because he rushed into decisions now. Better this small regret now than a bigger one later. Only, as he trudged in the opposite direction, the regret seemed almost overwhelming.

Some time. Please, Cythera, just grant me some time and clarity of purpose. Then I will know how to proceed.

“
Y
OU
’
RE
eyeing the phone like it’s a spider about to pounce.”

Nick jerked his head up to see Sean standing in his open doorway, his expression so smooth that Nick knew he had to be holding back a laugh.

“There isn’t a spider in the world that would dare come onto my desk. It would be seen as an act of war, and I would be forced to answer with a full-on frontal assault.”

“I remember that fierce battle in the supply closet. I think the whole office heard your shouts of ‘die, die, die.’ But I digress.” Sean held up a file. “Your two o’clock has been cancelled. Did you still want me to make the copies?”