Make Me (7 page)

“You’re afraid of me on a very basic level; you probably don’t even realize it. But your subconscious recognizes me for what I am. And I understand fear.”

At first she dismissed the idea of him knowing fear out of hand, but then she remembered how little she really knew about him.

“My father wanted an athlete for a son. He got a sensitive nerd bookworm, and he wasn’t very willing to settle for that. He beat me pretty much every day, until I got to be bigger than he was and I put a stop to it. But he taught me that emotions are for weaklings. He made me strong. I have a black belt in Karate – it was the only thing he was ever proud of me about, but it played a big part in my being able to put an end to the beatings. He made me determined to make something out of my life and not be like him.”

It was more than she had learned about him in seven years of working for him, and as he spoke, he had carefully, and in full view of her, scooted closer, a few feet every minute or so, until their knees were almost touching when he stopped.

It was a bit of a non sequitur, but it had been on his mind for a while. “You’re the opposite of me – highly emotional. You’re the Amanda to my Sarek.” He was glad to see that she got his reference when she graced him with a small smile. “I had hoped that this went without saying, but now I think it’s best just to get it out in the open, although it’s probably going to take a while to sink in. You never have to be afraid of me, and you never have to be afraid when you’re with me. I would lay down my life for you in an instant. You’re a true beauty in this world, and you’re worth a million or so of me.”

“Oh, my God, don’t say that. That’s a horrible thing to say – both parts! I’m far from a beauty, and I’m worth a lot less to the world than you – I can barely put two and two together and come up with four, and you can build whole computer security systems, or whatever they are.”

He wasn’t going to argue with her about her beauty. He knew she wasn’t conventionally beautiful, but there was more to beauty than the outer trappings. “There are zillions of people who can do exactly what I do, but you are my one and only friend, and if I inevitably screw up us being a couple, I hope I’ll always have you as that.”

In tears, Jodi launched herself into his arms, making him “oof” comically. “Hug me, you idiot!” she yelled when he simply patted her back while she bawled.

“I never know what to do when a woman cries.”

Still sobbing, Jodi said, “And in that way, you join the rest of the male population of the world, when all any of them ever has to do is hug the woman who’s crying. Nothing more than that. We don’t need you to solve our problems – we can do that on our own. We want genuine empathy – sympathy if that’s all that’s available, and I know you can do that.”

“Not well, but I’m willing to try.”

“That’s more than enough for me.”

Amazed that he’d been able to talk her back into his arms, Cayson heaved a huge sigh of relief and hugged her to him, bestowing one of the few hugs he’d given to anyone but his mother in a very long time.

“I’m sorry about your father,” she whispered against his neck.

“Don’t be. He’s dead, and it was a long time ago.” She was back curled up on his lap, and he was very pleasantly surprised when she reached up and gave him a very tender kiss on his cheek, and he realized it was one of the few times she had touched him. He’d seen her with her friends and she was very physically affectionate, but she seemed to know instinctively that he didn’t like it – at least not from anyone else but her.

“I still am. I wish everyone could have parents just like mine.” Her parents had loved each other until her father’s death – and beyond. Her mother had immediately vowed she would never marry again and her children believed her. They were both completely devoted to the family they had created and spent as much time as they could with their children while they were growing up.

If she’d had to, she probably would have guessed that something like what he had told her had happened to Cayson when he was young. Something traumatic that had him swallowing down his emotions until they weren’t really there.

She would have given anything to have been able to rescue him from his horrible childhood, but then, if she did that, he wouldn’t have grown up to be the Cayson she was rapidly falling in love with. It wasn’t something she wanted to admit to herself, but it was true. This time together, alone with him, was bringing them inevitably closer. He was a consummate lover and a doting Dom – almost too much so on both counts, and, he made her happy – when he wasn’t annoying the piss out of her.

What would a lifetime be like with him, she wondered, realizing she was jumping the gun. He had extorted her promise to be his while they were here, but that was no reason to jump to the conclusion that he would want more than that. Maybe this was a fluke, and when it was all over they’d just go back to being a boss and his personal assistant. Jodi shuddered at that thought. She wasn’t at all sure she could do that anymore. The ache she’d had for him before, when she hadn’t known his touch, would be a million times worse now that she had.

“Okay?” he asked, feeling that shiver.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for the freak out.” He was already rising with her in his arms when she said, “But you handled it beautifully, by the way. Perfectly. Couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

He smiled broadly, knowing her praise was genuine and for something he was having to try very hard at. It was nice to know he was succeeding in her eyes, because they were the only ones that really counted to him.

On the last day of the second week they were cloistered together, someone knocked on the door. They were eating dinner in front of the television, and Cayson got up immediately and tucked her into the bedroom, saying, “Stay here until I come to get you. And get dressed.”

It was funny how clothes felt strange to her now, but they did.

When he opened the door again, there were two agents – the ones they had met in the helicopter – standing in the living room. “It’s over,” Cayson said.

“He’s right. We caught the guy. He has links to home grown terrorist groups here in the States, but we’ve got enough of him to put him away for a good long time – he’ll probably never get out.”

It was a bit anticlimactic, considering the flurry and alarm of getting here, but Jodi stepped forward and shook each of the agent’s hands, thanking them for doing a great job in taking care of them.

In a role reversal that was glaring after the past weeks, Cayson followed her lead and shook the agents’ hands.

They had to gather their things before they left, and somehow, as they moved around the house together, a certain awkwardness set in. Jodi didn’t know what was coming next – whether he’d even want to continue to see her. She didn’t put a lot of stock in what he’d said when she had run from him. He was trying to soothe her, and, she imagined, would have been willing to say pretty much anything to get the job done. She thought he’d enjoyed their time together, but he was pretty much impossible to read, and he never discussed his emotions, such as they were.

Cayson was fighting a descent into his usual broodiness. The real world had knocked on their door, and he heartily wished he had just told it to take a flying leap, but he supposed that others might need to use this safe house. He wondered if he could buy it from the government... Hmm. Now there was an idea worth looking into. He filed it away on his mental to do list, and, because he was quicker than Jodi, he sat down in an easy chair to indulge in one of his favorite past times – watching her. It wasn’t something he’d done much of at work; it would have been too much of a distraction there. But he’d gotten into some bad habits because of his time with her, and he wasn’t at all sure he wanted to correct them.

He’d much rather correct
her
. An idea formed in his mind, and he decided that, selfish pig that he was, he was just going to assume that things weren’t going to change, wherever they were. If she asked, he’d discuss it, he supposed; but he liked things the way they were now, and he intended that they continue the relationship they’d forged here, at least until she told him to take a hike.

And he had a feeling he’d always be waiting for that particular shoe to drop. He wasn’t unaware of how he was perceived by people; he just didn’t give a damn. He knew that he could drive a saint to drink. But somehow, despite all that, Jodi liked him. Maybe even loved him, although he refused to hope that hard. He’d settle for lusting after him, because he certainly did after her.

The agents met them with a big SUV outside the house. “Where to?” the agent who was driving asked. “You can go anywhere, courtesy of the U. S. Government.”

“Your tax dollars at work,” Jodi muttered under her breath.

It turned out that they were in Canada, and Cayson took care of their travel arrangements. She assumed they were going home to LA, but she found out she was wrong when he handed her a ticket. “Cincinnati? Why are we going to Cincinnati?”

“Because that’s where I want us to go,” Cayson answered mysteriously.

Jodi gave him a look that said that she questioned his sanity, but she had given him that look so often in the past years that it had lost its efficacy entirely. Then she shrugged. She didn’t have anything she had an all fired need to get back to, really. The house was fine. Karen was looking in on it every couple of days and that wasn’t a hardship on her at all, so whatever. “You’re the boss,” she shrugged.

“Yes,” he agreed firmly, tugging her against him after they’d made it through the security line. “I am, most definitely your boss, but I’m more than that now, aren’t I.”

It wasn’t a question, so Jodi didn’t know what she was supposed to say, but then he bent his head and kissed her. She was so startled she almost pulled away, which had him holding her just that much closer. Cayson initiating a PDA? Who
was
he?

“Don’t try to avoid my kiss, Jodi, or I’ll spank you right here and now,” he whispered against her lips.

A “you wouldn’t dare” was on the tip of her tongue, but she wisely held it. He was just crazy enough to do it, just to show her that he would.

When they got to their destination, Jodi was amazed that he shouldered both of their bags, tsking loudly when she’d tried to pick hers off the carousel. Cayson was of a mind that it only made sense for him to carry as much as he could. It was one of the few courtesies he had no problem with, and he wanted to make as many points with her as he could, while they were in the twilight limbo between fantasy and reality.

Cayson had a limo and driver waiting and, since it was dusk, he gave them a nice tour of the city before heading to a suburb. He pulled up in front of a small, neat cape and Cayson got out, and then helped her out. Jodi was still wondering if she’d left with the wrong man, but she was enjoying the attention, regardless.

She knew as soon as the older woman opened the door that something was up, because Cayson hugged her, voluntarily and completely without reservation. His arms actually went around the woman, whereas, when he was hugged usually, someone else initiated it and was doing all the work – his hands never left their sides and he stood stiff as a board because he hated the physical contact.

“Jodi, this is my mom, Phyllis Cannon, and her husband, my stepfather, Don Cannon.”

Throughout the introductions, Jodi couldn’t take her eyes off Cayson. He hugged Don, too. Obviously he had a better stepfather than biological father.

“Mom, Don, this is Jodi Thomsont. She’s my—”

“Girlfriend!” his mother finished for him, throwing her arms wide open then hugging the stuffing out of Jodi, who hadn’t been prepared for such an overwhelming reception, or to be labeled as his girlfriend when ‘fling’ might have been a more appropriate term.

Don wasn’t quite so forth coming; he stuck to shaking her hand very enthusiastically.

His mother was chattering away, and she was only half listening, but the bits she got made her blush redder and redder. “I knew as soon as he called and said that you’d only be needing one bedroom that you were the one!”

Jodi wasn’t usually shy, but she also wasn’t used to such unbridled enthusiasm from anyone’s parents when meeting them. It was almost always a stilted, awkward affair, and so it really should have been with his parents, somehow, considering what he was like.

Don commandeered their bags and brought them upstairs, and they were indeed in the guest bedroom together, with its modest queen sized bed that dominated the small room.

“You’ve had a long flight, you two. Why don’t you rest up and come down whenever you’re ready? Dinner’s all done, just sitting in the crockpot to keep warm so we can eat whenever you’d like.” She paused in the act of closing the door to yell down at her husband. “Don, I can hear you sneaking a taste out of the pot. Step away from that spoon!”

Jodi had to laugh at that as his mother closed the door. “Well, she’s a hoot!”

Suddenly, they were alone, only it wasn’t quite the same as it had been – not when they were working together, certainly, and not even over the short time they’d been together.

Cayson came to stand in front of her, reaching out to pull her into his arms, hoping she wouldn’t resist and she didn’t. “I’m sorry to spring them on you, but I just wanted you to see that my relatives are normal, anyway. Most of the time.”

Jodi leaned back a little, not trying to get away, but just to look in his eyes. “You love your mother. I do.”

“She’s – well, until you – she was the only part of me that was really human. She understood me, and she did her best to try to protect me when – well, when things were bad. I’ll always love her for that.”

Tearing up at hearing him admit that he loved someone and wanting to hide it from him so that it didn’t make him uncomfortable, she leaned forward again and kissed him, tenderly but passionately. “A man who loves his mom is infinitely sexier than one that doesn’t, you know.”

He almost smiled. “Really?”

“Yeah. You can tell a lot about a guy from the way he talks about and treats his mother.”

He had inadvertently been doing something all along that made him a good candidate as a boyfriend. Who would have thought it? “Ah, well, do I get points for trying to give them a bigger house, which they refused? And I bought them a bigger, safer, new car last year – their other one had died and they didn’t refuse that.” He didn’t have a list prepared, but he had done everything he could to make sure his mom and the man he considered to be his father, had exactly what they needed and wanted, although they weren’t much help since they never asked him for anything.

“We have each other, and that’s all we need,” was always their response to him offering to pay for something for them or buy something. Cayson had never understood that until now. Jodi was everything he needed, too. He only hoped he could get her to understand that, somehow before he drove her away from him by doing something stupid. His head dipped to hers, kissing her heatedly and trying to maneuver her onto the bed.

But she pulled away and said very firmly, “No.”

Cayson already knew he didn’t like hearing that word in general, but after the past two weeks, he liked it even less coming from her. “Excuse me?” His chin was down and his eyebrow was up.

“Don’t give me that ‘I’m your Dom’ look, Cayson MacGruder. That arrangement had an expiration date that’s been met. And, regardless of that, this house was built in the seventies or earlier, and the walls are
far
from soundproof.” She tugged experimentally against his hold and was surprised – and, if she admitted it to herself, somewhat disappointed – when he let her go. “Besides, I’m hungry, and whatever it is that your mother’s made smells fantastic!”

And with that, she escaped the room with a triumphant smile, but halfway to the staircase she made the mistake of looking back at him, and he didn’t look at all happy. Jodi refused to think about what that might mean for her later and made her way downstairs.

His mother was a wonderful lady – at least as smart as her son, maybe more so, but all of that intellect was tempered by her obvious love for her husband and her son, and she was at least as emotional as she was intelligent, which was a freedom of self that Jodi so wanted for Cayson.

The subject of her thoughts came downstairs almost immediately and spent his time trying to squash all of the embarrassing stories her mother tried to tell Jodi about him as they set the table together.

“Did he tell you about the time he set fire to the school’s chemistry lab or when he got caught wandering around inside a power station?”

Jodi had to say no to all of the other woman’s questions like that, surprised she hadn’t anticipated what her answer would be, knowing Cayson. “Your son doesn’t like to talk about himself.”

“My son is a baby step away from crazy, I know, and you must be a saint to put up with all of his peccadilloes and foibles.”

Jodi felt his arm slide around her waist. “She most definitely is.”

“Is he sleeping at all?” Phyllis colored a bit and back-peddled. “I don’t mean to pry, but he never slept much and I’ve always worried about him.”

“He doesn’t sleep nearly as much as I do, but then people who are smart and highly driven don’t usually, do they? They have things to do, stuff to accomplish.”

Cayson had been a bit worried about how Jodi and his mom would get along, but he should have realized that his mother would have welcomed any woman he brought home to her, since he’d never done that before. He knew she was already dreaming of grandchildren to bounce on her knee, but he’d warned her when he called, that things with Jodi were still very new, and that she was not to push.

Like
that
was going to be heeded in the least. She and Jodi had more in common than she might think.

Dinner was a fantastic Mexican chicken and rice soup that was just right spicy with homemade sweet cornbread that was more like corn cake and a tossed salad. Dinner table conversation mostly involved his parents and her, with Cayson defending himself occasionally against his mother’s highly embarrassing over-sharing tendencies.

Afterward, they all sat around the living room and the three of them talked while Cayson worked on his mother’s laptop, which was always in deplorable shape because, smart as she was, she just couldn’t seem to work out how computers or the Internet worked beyond the very basics. So whenever Cayson saw them he always had to debug and run cleaning software and make sure her firewall and virus protection was up to date. He’d even installed software that allowed him to log into her computer from his home, so that he could clean up her messes without having to actually fly there.

Jodi really liked his parents. They were down to earth and funny, much less stuffy than she had imagined, an opinion that had been based on her knowledge of him. And she would have sworn that she got a bit of a whiff of a... well, if not d/s, then at least a domestic discipline vibe from them, not that she was looking for it, but it kind of hit her in the face.