Major Karnage (35 page)

They stopped in a low canyon filled with horned worms. The worms
were tied down with guy wires attached to their horns. Long lines of
tents had been set up on their backs. It looked like a squidbug trailer
park. The largest of the worms sat in the middle of the compound.
The tent on its back was essentially a mansion. Room upon room of
heavy tapestry with peaked roofs and flags waving from the peaks.
Karnage guessed it was Tristan’s.

It was. Stumpy led Karnage towards it, beaming. Spragmites
wielding D-Pads stood on all sides, quietly recording this moment.
The occasional whisper of “Lightbringer” came up from the crowd.

They approached Tristan’s worm. A pair of Spragmite priests
stood guard at the base of the rope ladder. They bowed deeply to
Karnage, and stepped out of the way. Stumpy climbed the ladder,
and Karnage followed. D-Pads followed their path as they climbed,
glinting in the evening sun.

As they reached the top, a line of Spragmite priests emerged from
the tent. They lined up to either side of the tent’s entrance. They
wore extravagant headdresses in the shape of worm horns. Homski
emerged from the tent in a long flowing robe and an even more
extravagant headdress. A tiny white filament microphone stuck out
from behind his ear. He walked to the end of the long line of priests,
and unfurled a scroll. He began speaking; his voice echoed from
unseen speakers across the compound.

“Presenting her Holiness, the High Priestess of Spragmos.”

The crowd broke out into chants of “ma-ma-oo-pow-pow” as the
flaps of the tent pulled back. Tristan sashayed out of the tent, her
long flowing robes resplendent with jewels. Her headdress looked
like a three-headed horn covered in white diamonds. A tiny white
filament microphone was also visible above her ear. She glided past
her priests, smiling warmly at Karnage. She leaned forward and
embraced him. As she did so, she discreetly covered her microphone
with her fingers and whispered in Karnage’s ear. “Keep quiet,” she
whispered, “and follow my lead.” She pulled back and turned to the
crowd, smiling warmly.

“Humble servants of Spragmos,” her voice echoed across the
compound. “Our prayers have been answered. Behold, the return of
the Lightbringer. Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow.”

“Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow,” the crowd cried.

Tristan turned to Karnage. “Come, Lightbringer. There is much
to discuss.”

Tristan guided Karnage back to the tent. Stumpy moved to follow.
Homski rushed forward, blocking Stumpy’s way. “No,” he said. “Only
the holiest of Spragmites are allowed to enter the Temple!”

“He’s with me,” Karnage said.

Homski jumped as if he’d been shocked. He looked up at Karnage
with wide, terrified eyes, then looked to Tristan for guidance.

She nodded sweetly. “Let him pass, Homski.”

“Of course, Your Holiness. Of course.” He bowed his head and
stepped out of the way. The priests looked on in confusion as
Karnage and Stumpy followed Tristan into the tent.

They walked through a long tapestry-laden hallway and into an
antechamber, where a pair of handsome menservants took Tristan’s
headdress and outer robes, revealing a much more comfortablelooking dress underneath. Tristan smiled at them and waved for
Karnage and Stumpy to follow her.

She led them into a massive library: bookshelves stood bolted
to tent poles, gently bobbing and swaying on the back of the worm;
thin wire mesh held the books in place; a table and chairs slowly rose
and fell like boats moored to a dock. Tristan sat at the head of the
table, and motioned for Karnage and Stumpy to sit farther down.

Once seated, Tristan dropped her austere look and gave Karnage
a bemused smile. “Well, Major, you have surprised me once again.
I can’t say I expected to find you at all, let alone alive.” She turned
to Stumpy. “Russell, you are much more resourceful than I would
have ever thought. I’m not sure whether to commend you or strangle
you.”

Stumpy started and blinked. “What?”

“You understand the predicament you have put me in, don’t you?
With the Major found, my authority has now been undermined. My
orders and edicts will be open to questioning. What happened to
poor Homski out there is but the tip of the iceberg.

She turned to Karnage. “So, my dear Major, what ever am I to
do with you? You were supposed to be the Impossible Dream which
my people were free to dream for as long as I wished to rule. Which,
for all intents and purposes meant forever. Alas, you have crushed
my dreams by bringing theirs to fruition. This really is quite the
monkey wrench you have thrown into the works. I commend you for
continuing to live up to your moniker.”

“I do my best,” Karnage said.

“What do you mean what do we do with him?” Stumpy said. “I
thought you wanted to find him! I thought . . .”

Karnage put a hand on Stumpy’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Stumpy.
Tristan wants people to think what she wants them to think when
she wants them to think it, and then only until she thinks they
should be thinking something else. Ain’t that right?”

“A rather circuitous way of putting it, but yes.” Tristan placed her
chin in her palm and squinted at Karnage. “So, Major, how shall we
proceed? Shall I have you declared a false messiah, and toss you to
the worms?”

Stumpy jumped from his seat. “What? You can’t do that!”

Tristan gazed up at Stumpy. “Of course I can, silly. I’m the High
Priestess. I can do anything.”

“I thought you said Messiah trumps High Priestess every time,”
Karnage said.

“That was High Prophet. And yes, Messiah trumps High Prophet
every time. High Priestess, on the other hand, is another matter
entirely. Currently, it would be quite easy for me to have you declared
a fake. A demonic forgery sent to confuse and destroy us. The people
are already running around scared thanks to all these reports of
‘demons’ in Dabneyville. A little fear is a good thing, but at the rate
they’re going, they are going to start turning on each other soon.
You wouldn’t happen to be able to shed any light on these demon
sightings, would you, Major?”

“I would,” Karnage said. “And I also might have a solution to your
problem that doesn’t involve me bein’ fed to a bunch of worms.”

“Really, Major?” Tristan’s eyes sparkled. “Do tell.”

Karnage explained about the squidbugs and as much of their plans to
take over the world as he knew. He included a few juicy tidbits about
the human/alien hybrids, but without getting into his encounter
with General Mayhem. He never wanted to relate that encounter
to anyone if he could help it. Tristan listened intently through it all.
Stumpy’s eyes nearly fell out of his head five times, each revelation
outdoing the last.

“They’re gonna terraform the earth, and claim it for themselves,”
Karnage concluded. “And what with this ‘merger’ the Dabney
Corporation’s worked out, they’re gonna turn the human race into
half-human, half-squidbuggy things . . . humbugs.”

Tristan arched an eyebrow. “Humbugs?”

Karnage nodded. “Yeah. Humbugs.”

Tristan looked at Stumpy. Stumpy shrugged. “Beats callin’ ’em half-human half-squidbuggy things.”

“All right. Humbugs, then.” Tristan turned back to Karnage.
“Well, Major, this is all very interesting and tragic, but I don’t see
how it affects me and my current predicament.”

“If the squidbugs win, then you’re not gonna have any people
left to lead. Just a bunch of squiggly humbugs, all servin’ a different
master.”

“That would be this ‘Queen’ you mentioned.”

“That it would.”

“And what do you propose we do about this, then?”

“I propose we go on a Crusade.”

“A Crusade?”

Karnage nodded. “You’re wonderin’ what your followers are
gonna do now that I’m back? Why not have me lead them into a
Holy Battle against the ultimate evil. They’re already thinkin’ the
squidbugs are demons. We just gotta play that up.”

“Interesting. And where would you send my people on this Crusade?”

“Dabneyville,” Karnage said. “I got to get back there before that
squidbug mothership leaves. I got to get inside and stop ’em.”

“And how do you propose to do that?”

“I’ve got some ideas,” Karnage looked over at Stumpy. “But I’m
gonna need your help, Corporal.”

Stumpy gave a start. “Me?”

Karnage nodded. “I need your expertise. You done a hell of a
job out here figurin’ out how to domesticate the worms. I could use
some of that know-how to maybe domesticate a few other things.”

“And what happens if you’re not able to defeat the invasion,
Major? What then?”

“You need to look on the bright side, your Holiness,” Karnage
said. “If I’m dead, then I’m out of your hair, and you’ll never see me
again. But that won’t matter anyway, cuz the squidbugs will come
and turn you and all your followers into humbugs worshippin’ their
queen. But if I win, then you get to hold on to your little kingdom
here. And I promise you’ll never see me again.”

“Really? You can promise me that?”

“I can,” Karnage said.

“I hope so, Major,” Tristan looked at Karnage through half-lidded
eyes. “Otherwise, I will be quite put out.”

Tristan pulled a tourist map of Dabneyville from her shelves. They
splayed it out in front of them. Illustrations of Dabby Tabby enjoying
the splendours of Dabneyville littered the map.

“We’ll break the worms up into battalions.” Karnage pointed
down at the figure of Dabby Tabby rocketing down the Gail Dabney
Expressway. “First worm battalion will charge the main gate.
Once they’re through, the other battalions will follow fast behind.
Overrun the place with a shock attack.”

Stumpy looked up at Karnage in surprise. “A banzai attack?”
Karnage nodded. “It’s the best we can do. We’re dealing with
conscripts here. These people ain’t soldiers. We can’t expect a lot
from ’em.”

“But it’ll be a slaughter,” Stumpy said.

Karnage shook his head. “Only if the enemy’s got lethal weapons.
Dabneycops are all armed with goober and Sudsy.”

“And what about the squidbugs?”

“They’ve got their energy spears, but I think they use the same
technology as the beams from the ship. Those don’t kill. They just,”
Karnage waved his fingers in the air, “transport stuff.”

Tristan arched an eyebrow and mimicked Karnage’s finger
waving. “Transport stuff?”

“Anyone who gets tagged by the squidbugs will just end up inside
the ship,” he said. “They might end up pickled, but they’ll be alive.
Casualties should be minimal.”

“And where will you be through all of this?” Tristan said.

Karnage pointed to a depiction of Dabby Tabby leaning out
from the Dabney National Tower. “While you got ’em good and
distracted, me and Stumpy will come in from the north. We’ll use
my flightpack.” Karnage turned to Stumpy. “You’ll ride piggyback.
Be our sharpshooter in case we encounter any trouble in the air.
We’ll fly up the side of Mount Dabney and make our way into the
squidbug mothership.”

Tristan tsked. “It’s certainly not the most elegant of plans.”

“It ain’t pretty,” Karnage said. “But it should work.”

“I hope it does, Major,” Tristan said.

“So do I.”

“I got a question,” Stumpy said. “How you gonna get the
Spragmites keen on fightin’? You’ve always preached to them about
love and peace and harmony.”

Tristan patted Stumpy’s stump. “You just leave that to me.”

Karnage and Stumpy stayed sequestered in her private quarters at
Tristan’s insistence. She payed lip service to the idea of Karnage’s
personal safety, but they all knew it was about limiting his potential
to undermine her authority. They sat in her personal library and
watched the D-Pad Homski had provided them.

The screen showcased a stage that had been erected in front of
Tristan’s worm, framing a large swath of its massive bulk. Richly
coloured fabric draped the sides, deep pinks and oranges that
complemented the worm’s body perfectly. Torches glowed warmly
along the base of the stage. The hairs on the worm’s flank had been
given some kind of glitter treatment, and they shimmered and
shone in the flicker of the torchlight.

Tristan strode out onto the stage. The long flowing robes were
gone. She wore a sharp black suit, with a three-quarter-length coat.
She carried a riding crop under her arm, its handle encrusted with
glittering jewels. Her hair was swept up and pulled back into a tightly
coiffed bun. The sharp stilettos on her feet stabbed at the stage
floor with military precision. There was no fanfare or introduction
to announce her arrival. Nothing but the soft crackle of flames, and
the clicking of her stiletto heels, amplified and echoing throughout
the compound.

The D-Pads shot her from a low angle, giving her a commanding
presence. The flickering flames highlighted her sharp features. She
stared out with a grim, solemn countenance at the crowd. Karnage
saw the telltale white line of the microphone by her temple.

She looked out at her followers, studying them carefully. They
hushed into absolute silence. Tristan nodded slightly to herself,
then began her speech.

“Last night, I was granted a personal audience with the
Lightbringer.” She spoke in a deep, even tone. Karnage heard her
voice echoing through the walls of the tent. “The Illuminated One
has informed me of a dire threat to our people. A threat to the very
might of Spragmos himself.