Magnificent Bastard (30 page)

“Penny for your thoughts?” I ask.

“I was just thinking that Aidan might be better at the consulting stuff than I thought,” she says, still gazing into the distance. “His intervention with us certainly worked. And he’s got an unexpected…ballsy streak.”

“No, I think he had his balls covered. Mostly.”

She laughs and I smile, reaching for her hand. “Come on, let’s get out of here, make sure his brave sacrifice isn’t in vain.”

She falls in beside me as I lead the horses up the hill. “He will get away, right? He’s pretty fast.”

“As long as Officer Cranky is too out of breath to call for backup, he should be all right. But if not…” I shrug. “Well, a little arrest is no less than he deserves for consorting with you behind my back and keeping it a secret.”

“Oh, Bash, please,” she says. “He was clearly trying to help. And he fixed Mr. Whiskers.”

“What is that, by the way? I saw colors but couldn’t see what it is from across the road and then I was too busy fucking you to pay attention.”

She pulls up the damp fabric of her skirt with a grin, baring her sexy thigh. “Just a bunch of flowers floating on water. He turned Mr. Whisker’s body into a reflective pool and worked the flowers in throughout and on either side.”

“It’s beautiful,” I say sincerely, knowing that I owe Aidan a thank you for this as well as for sacrificing himself to the po-po so that Penny and I could escape.

“I love it,” she says, smoothing her skirt down. “But I had him leave one of Mr. Whisker’s eyes, hidden in the patch of buttercups. I wanted a piece of him to stay. It seemed right.” She sways closer. “As crazy as it sounds, not all my memories of him are bad.”

I squeeze her fingers. “That’s not crazy. I think I was kissing Mr. Whiskers when I finished falling in love with you.”

She sighs happily. “That sounds wrong in so many different ways.”

“It does,” I agree with a smile, holding tight to Penny’s hand as we cross the park, pretty certain nothing will be wrong again.

Not as long as I’ve got this girl right next to me.

EPILOGUE

Five months later

From: FrancisAndEddie2Gether

To: MagnificentBastard1

Re: The top secret plan

Dear Uncle Bash,

That is the most perfect plan ever!!! Perfectly perfect!! Funny and awesome and so ROMANTIC but not in the gross way.

Penny is going to love it!!

And don’t worry—our lips are sealed.

Cross our hearts and hope to die.

Xoxox

<3 <3 <3

*farting ninja emoji* <–because ninjas are the best at keeping secrets

Francis and Eddie

The Ample Valley Creamery’s seasonal ice-cream tasting event is packed, which is insane because it’s thirty-eight degrees outside, with a fifty percent chance of snow before morning. I was thinking Penny and I would be the only ones crazy enough to want to taste ice cream in the dead of winter, but apparently I was wrong.

And now I am warm.

Very, very warm, and wondering if my plan can be pulled off while elbow-to-elbow with sixty other ice cream addicts.

Outside the parlor’s front window, people hurry by wrapped in coats and hats, their breath crystalizing in puffs as they rush from store to store, finishing up last minute Christmas shopping. But inside, it’s sweltering, the combined body heat ratcheting up the temperature until we’re racing to spoon in our samples before they melt. Penny has chucked her coat, her sweater, and is down to a clingy black turtleneck that makes it hard to keep my eyes on the dishes being set out on the bar before us, but I manage to maintain my focus.

I have to be ready. I checked the tasting menu weeks ago and there’s only one flavor that will serve my unique purpose.

“This was a bad idea,” Penny says, twisting her hair into a coil and trapping it on top of her head with one hand.

“Too crowded?” I ask, doubt flashing through my gut. Maybe tonight isn’t the night. I’ve spent weeks planning, but if the vibe is wrong, it’s just wrong, and I would rather wait than screw this up.

Second chances are good and all, but some things you want to get right the first time.

“You want to go?” I ask, nodding toward the door.

“No, not at all! We’re staying,” she says, eyes going wide. “I just don’t see how we’re possibly going to be able to go home with only four pints. I know we made a promise to each other before we came and that moderation is important when it comes to certain things, but all the flavors are so, so good, and… Oh, I don’t know...” She trails a sexy red fingernail down my chest as her lips press into a pout. “Maybe we could break a silly little promise just this once?”

I shake my head in mock judgment as I twine my arm around her waist, pulling her closer. “Are you trying to seduce me into buying more ice cream?”

She bats her lashes, a slow sweep up and down that kicks up the heat in the room another notch. “I don’t know, is it working? If so, I was thinking that the Peppermint Stick flavor would taste amazing licked off of certain body parts.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask, teeth digging into my bottom lip. “Like…your foot?”

She nods with a sexy smile. “Or your…elbow.”

My next breath hisses in through my teeth. “Don’t start that in here, Pickett,” I whisper, fingertips digging into the curve of her hip. “You know how hot I get when you talk about licking shit off of my elbows.”

She laughs, fanning her face. “Okay. I’ll stop. It is hot in here. I don’t want to make it any worse.”

She sighs as she reaches for a fresh spoon from a mason jar at our corner of the ice cream bar. “But seriously, sexual favors are on the table if we can take home a pint of every flavor. I don’t think ten pints is too much when you consider that it’s the holiday season and a time of love and good cheer. And what, I ask you, says love and good cheer better than ice cream in the freezer?”

“Maybe the Santa and Mrs. Claus bellies we’ll have after we eat all that ice cream?” I tease, chuckling when she crosses her eyes and sticks out her tongue in response. “Be careful. A smart girl I know once told me your face can stick that way.”

“She wasn’t a girl; she was a woman,” Penny says, lifting her nose into the air as the sample deliveryman reaches our section. “A woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.”

Before I can tell her how much I love it when she asks for what she wants, the bearded man with the holly suspenders places two small bowls of handcrafted cream in front of us. “All right, folks. Thanks for your patience. Here we’ve got a half-scoop each of another seasonal flavor, Reindeer Droppings.”

Reindeer Droppings.

This is it. The flavor I’ve been waiting for, the only one with pieces of candy in it, candy that could cause a person to choke if they aren’t careful.

Pulse speeding, I casually slide my free hand into the front pocket of my slacks, finding the ring and slipping it onto the tip of my finger. I’ve practiced enough to know I’ll be able to seamlessly slip the ring into my mouth while pretending to take a bite of ice cream, but I’m still nervous. I don’t want Penny to see what I’m up to.

Recreating the time she choked on a fake engagement ring with a real one won’t be nearly as much fun if she catches me and asks why I’m sticking jewelry in my mouth.

“Hot chocolate flavored ice cream,” Beard Guy continues mildly, having no clue I’m about to pop the question, “with a fudge swirl and chunks of malted milk ball candy and toffee bark scattered throughout. All made on site. All sinfully delicious.” He grins as he pats his hands on the bar. “Enjoy.”

“Oh, we will.” Penny’s tongue sweeps across her lips in anticipation as our deliveryman heads off to service other guests. She slips her spoon between her lips, closing her eyes as she savors the first bite, making a sexy moaning sound that momentarily distracts me from my purpose.

But I’ve recovered and am about to launch Operation Heimlich Maneuver Proposal when Penny’s brow furrows and her eyes fly open. She coughs, covering her mouth with her fist, then coughs again, harder than before.

“You okay?” I ask, sliding my hand from her hip to her back.

She shakes her head. “I don’t know. I just—” She breaks off with another cough. “My throat is so tight and my tongue is on fire.”

“Let me ask for more water.” But before I can signal to one of the servers behind the counter, her spoon clatters to the bar.

I turn back to her to see her hands grip the base of her throat and her eyes slide closed. A second later her knees buckle and she sags against me.

I curse, terror flooding through me as I catch her beneath the arms and guide her down to the ground. In the few seconds it takes to realize that she’s unconscious and in trouble, my mouth fills with the taste of panic and metal, my heart does its best to punch a hole through my ribs, and my stomach turns inside out. My throat clenches and the back of my tongue goes rigid and when I turn to shout for someone to call 911, it feels like I’m choking on the words.

The first time, no one hears me over the roar of conversation, laughter, and the clinking of spoons.

The second time, I pull in a deep breath and shout like a madman, “Hey! My girlfriend is unconscious. You in the red sweater.” The man in question jabs a thumb at his chest, not looking nearly as upset as I would expect him to be after seeing a woman out cold on the floor. “Yeah you,” I snap. “Call 911! Tell them there’s a woman here who passed out after a bite of ice cream. No known allergies and she’s breathing but I don’t—”

The sweater man chuckles and his date, a rosy-cheeked woman with dreads, lifts a hand to cover her mouth in a half-assed effort to conceal her smile.

I’m about to lose my shit on them—Penny is in trouble and I will fucking kill them both if the time they’re wasting ends up hurting her—when Penny shifts in my arms.

“Relax, Bash,” she says, patting my shoulder as she sits up. “I’m okay. No one needs to call 911.”

My forehead wrinkles hard enough to send pain flashing through my temples, but before I can ask Penny what the fuck is going on, she puts a hand to my lips.

“Before you freak out, I want you to think about how you felt when you thought I was in trouble, even for just a minute.” She holds my gaze before her eyes dip pointedly to my left hand. “And then think about whether pretending to choke on that engagement ring on your pinkie finger was really such a great idea.”

I freeze, jaw unclenching as I realize what’s happened. “Francis and Eddie sold me out.”

Penny shakes her head. “No, my mom sold you out. She reads the twins’ e-mail.”

“That’s shitty,” I say, fear slowly transforming to mortification.

“It’s normal,” Penny says, lips curving gently. “They’re only nine years old. And clearly not the best judges of perfect plans. Did it ever occur to you three that the rest of the innocent people in here might be scared to see a man pretending to choke?”

“Right. Um, well…yes. Maybe.” I shift my gaze, glancing back at the people gathered around us, sensing that this will probably end up being one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. “But I figured it would be over before anyone had a chance to get upset.”

“We’re not upset,” Red Sweater Man says. “Your girlfriend wrote a note warning everyone of what was going to happen. We got them with our tasting menus.”

“Now we just need to know if you’re going to say yes,” his date says, grinning as she leans in to squeeze his arm.

I blink, but before I can rally and remember all those romantic things I planned to say after fake-choking on the engagement ring, Penny is kneeling in front of me, pulling a plain silver band out of her back pocket

“Clearly, you need me around to keep you from doing dumb stuff,” she says, a tentative smile spreading across her face as she holds the ring up between us. “And I need you for lots and lots of things. Like making me laugh and making me happy and making me excited to wake up every day to see what kind of fun we’re going to have together. Because I never have more fun than when I’m with you. You’ve changed my life so much. And all of it for the better.”

She pulls in a shaky breath as her eyes begin to glisten. “Because you’re not just about the good times. You’re there when I’m sad and when I’m ashamed and when I’ve forgotten, just for a little while, how lucky I am. But you always make me remember. I am so grateful for you, for us, and for every day I get to spend with my best friend. And I really hope tonight you’ll make me the happiest girl in Brooklyn.”

I swallow hard, fighting the unexpected stinging at the backs of my eyes. “By letting you take home ten pints of ice cream?”

Her breath huffs out, but she’s smiling when she nods. “Yes, by letting me take home ten pints of ice cream. And saying that you’ll be mine. Forever.”

“Forever sounds about right,” I say, before adding in a softer voice, “Yes, Penny Pickett, I will marry you and spend the rest of my life feeling like the luckiest bastard in the world.”

I pull her in for a hug and then a kiss while the tasting room erupts in applause.

Penny and I finally manage to stop making out long enough to get our engagement rings slipped onto their respective fingers. Mine fits perfectly. Hers is a little loose, but she says she’ll fix that by eating more ice cream. And we laugh and pretend we aren’t crying a little, too, and finish eating our mostly melted Reindeer Droppings and three more fantastic flavors that are not nearly as fantastic as my girl.