Madeleine (49 page)

There were several occasions when I was out with Sean and Amelie and one or other of them would have a tantrum. They were toddlers, they were doing what every toddler does, but I was afraid that people would judge my children and the way I dealt with their behaviour. Would they think the twins were unhappy or traumatized, or scared of me? That there were problems in our family? What would they tell their friends? As a result, I was unsure of how I should react. In my old life there would probably have been a few stern words, or I would simply have pretended to ignore my screaming child in the hope that if I appeared to be taking no notice he or she would soon calm down. Now, though, with everyone watching me, I didn’t feel I could speak firmly to them in public, let alone raise my voice. I usually found myself trying
ever
so hard to reason with them, or gently asking them
ever
so nicely to please stop.

Sean and Amelie resumed their swimming lessons a few months after our return from Portugal. While Amelie, like her big sister, was very keen, Sean was not up for it at all. He clung to me, bawling, as I tried to encourage him to go into the pool with the instructor and the other children. What should I do? Go for the easy option and take him out with me? He’d learn to swim one day – it didn’t have to be now. Or leave him with the instructor, despite his tears and heartrending cries of ‘I want my mummy’? It was horrible. I was aware of all the other parents observing this spectacle through the poolside window. Would they think badly of me for leaving my son there crying? ‘She’s a hard one, that Kate McCann . . .’ In the end, I looked pleadingly at the instructor and asked her, ‘What do you think I should do?’

‘Hand him to me and walk away. He’ll be fine,’ she said confidently. I’m sure she was right, though it wasn’t much fun having to watch my little Seany, all red-faced, blotchy and sobbing, through the glass. But after a few more challenging lessons, we got there. He loves swimming now and is very good at it, thanks to the good sense of his instructor.

The attention of strangers isn’t all bad, of course. Sometimes those who take the trouble to write to us apologize for their familiarity: ‘We just feel as if we know you.’ No apology necessary. It is their warmth and support that has sustained us, even if it does seem a little odd sometimes that people about whom we know nothing know so much about us. It is heartening and comforting when shoppers come up to me in the supermarket and say, ‘How are you, Kate? We’re all behind you.’

There is a fine line between sympathetic interest and intrusion, and it’s a very hard one to define. We often have callers at the house who want to pass on information, usually psychics or mediums (somebody who’d had a vision turned up on our doorstep on Christmas Day 2010, while we were in the middle of our Christmas dinner, and I’m afraid received rather short shrift from Gerry!). We’ve had total strangers knock on the door and say, ‘Hello! We were just passing and thought we’d drop by to see how you are.’ These people are kind and well meaning, and their sentiments are very much appreciated, but some of their actions can be a little disconcerting. As I say, the line is difficult to define, and any forays across it, given that they are so well intentioned, even more difficult to criticize.

I feel much more vulnerable than I did four years ago, particularly as a parent. I remember the worries I had about Madeleine when she was small, many of them irrational. What if a wasp flew into her mouth and stung her and her throat swelled up? What if a passing dog suddenly jumped up and mauled her? I’d never, ever considered the possibility that a man might steal my baby from her bed. Since that night my anxieties for Sean and Amelie have escalated. I’ve worried more about accidents, illness and, not surprisingly, about whom they are in contact with.

I’ve worried about the future, about the children going off to university and perhaps being keen to travel, as I was. I don’t want them to go. I want to hang on to them and keep them close and safe. I’ve spoken to Alan Pike about my fears, both the rational and the irrational ones, and I give myself little pep talks: ‘You must be strong. You have to let them experience life. Most children make it to adulthood without any major mishaps or tragedies. As long as you’re there to support them, they’ll be OK.’

As advised by the experts, we’ve tried always to be open with Sean and Amelie and to answer all their questions truthfully as they arise. When Amelie, at about three and a half, became preoccupied with the idea that Madeleine might have run away, we explained the abduction to the children in the simplest and least frightening way we could. It wasn’t right to take things that belonged to somebody else, we reminded them, but this was what had happened to Madeleine. She hadn’t run away: somebody wanted her and had taken her from us. The twins understood that this was wrong, and that it had brought us sadness, but they dealt with this new knowledge in a very matter-of-fact way: a naughty man had stolen their sister and now what we must do was find her. As they grow up, we continue to respond to everything they ask us carefully but honestly.

To my great relief, I can say, hand on heart, that today Sean and Amelie are incredibly happy children, remarkably well adjusted, well rounded and emotionally in tune. We are so proud of them. A great deal of credit is undoubtedly due to the family and friends who surrounded them with love and warmth in Portugal and have continued to do so back at home. In years to come, I am sure they will find some solace in the fact that their mum and dad did everything in their power to find their big sister. Of course, we continue to hope that their greatest solace will be the safe return of Madeleine to our family.

I am often asked, ‘Has your faith been tested? Do you get angry with God?’ There have been many times when I’ve felt God has deserted me or that He has let Madeleine down. I’ve occasionally doubted His existence altogether. And yes, I’ve been angry with Him. I’ve shouted out loud and on occasion I’ve hit things (I’m afraid even the church pews have had the odd thumping!).

I do not blame God for Madeleine’s abduction. The abductor is responsible for that. What I do wrestle with, though, is the inexplicable fact that despite so many prayers, almost total global awareness and a vast amount of hard work, we
still
do not have an answer. My aunt quotes a saying: ‘Pray as if everything depends on God. Work as if everything depends on you,’ and I truly believe this is what we’ve done.

I’ve never in my life prayed for anything or anyone so much, or in so many different ways. Thousands of other people, maybe millions, have prayed. So if Madeleine is alive, why hasn’t God brought her back to us? If she is not, surely He could lead us to the truth and put a stop to the terrible anguish of not knowing? What do we have to do, how long do we have to wait, until He tells us something?
Anything?

I’ve found it hard, too, to understand the further awful experiences that have come our way. How can so much suffering and injustice be heaped upon one family? It is said that God only gives you a cross He knows you can bear. Well, I’m afraid this cross has been far too heavy for far too long.

For now, though, at least, my anger towards God seems to have subsided. I believe in Him and I still feel His presence. There have been, and still are, many blessings in our life in which I see the hand of God. I cannot fully explain them otherwise. In spite of my scientific background and relatively analytical mind, Darwin’s theories and chance just don’t cover it for me. If I still cannot understand why events have happened as they have, and I sometimes end up having serious words with God about His slow progress, for the most part I try my best to accept that it is not for me to question His plan. Maybe I just need to be patient and trust Him.

There is one thing of which I am confident: I believe wherever Madeleine is, God is with her. And during my calmer moments, I also believe that in God’s time, we’ll get there. A couple of years ago I was saying a prayer for Madeleine with the twins and remarked that it had been a long time since we’d seen her. ‘No, Mummy,’ said Amelie. ‘It’s just a teeny-weeny time.’ She was right, of course: a few years is a drop in the ocean compared to a lifetime.

Gerry has certainly struggled over the last year with his faith. While he still believes in God, he is no longer convinced of the power of prayer. In his words, ‘If prayer worked, we would’ve had Madeleine back a long time ago.’ He’s also mentioned to me, on more than one occasion, that nowhere in Christ’s teachings does it say you’ll reap your reward on this earth. Gerry has always believed that everyone possesses God-given talents which we should use to the best of our ability, he recognizes the benefits of the church community and he continues to insist that something good has to come out of this whole experience.

To a certain extent it already has, in the sense that Madeleine’s case has greatly increased public awareness of the whole issue of missing, abducted and exploited children. We have tried to support various organizations working on behalf of these children – including Missing People, PACT, Missing Children Europe and the NPIA. On Wednesday, 27 January 2010, we marked our daughter’s thousandth day away from us with Still Missing, Still Missed: An Evening for Madeleine, a gala dinner from which half the proceeds, amounting to £45,000, went to Madeleine’s Fund and the other half to Missing People and Missing Children Europe. It is vital that this huge worldwide problem is tackled and that other children and parents are saved from suffering what our family has had to suffer.

In the wake of our 2008 campaign calling for a coordinated Europe-wide child alert rescue system, the European Parliament dedicated one million euros to fund projects aimed at developing interconnecting child rescue alerts. Two of the grants went to schemes designed to strengthen cross-border compatibility and coordination. Since then, I am pleased to say that significant progress has been made. According to the European Commission, which allocates the funds, eight EU member states (Belgium, France, Greece, UK, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Portugal and Germany) now have CRAs in place. The UK’s new nationally coordinated child rescue alert was launched on International Missing Children’s Day, 25 May, 2010. A further three countries (Italy, Romania and Cyprus) are due to introduce similar systems soon.

There is, of course, still some way to go. Given the economic downturn, it is likely to be years before every one of the twenty-seven EU member states has in place a functioning CRA with appropriate cross-border facilities. However, provided national governments demonstrate the will to protect our children, and acknowledge their moral obligation to do so, with the ongoing support of the European Commission, this goal
can
be reached.

In the meantime, the search for Madeleine goes on. Sean and Amelie often talk about how their sister might escape, how we could rescue her and what they would do to the ‘naughty man’ who stole her. Once they suggested, ‘Maybe we should tell the police that Madeleine is missing and ask them to help us, too.’ Quite.

Since the autumn of 2007 our connection with Leicestershire police has dwindled and that makes me sad. Their officers worked so hard on Madeleine’s behalf and we know they’ll rejoice if and when we find her. The Leicestershire force still takes the line that they’ll pass on any relevant information to the Portuguese authorities. While this is all that is legally expected of them, we’d hoped for much more. They have been placed in a difficult position, we acknowledge that, but we have not been prepared to accept the platitude that work in Portimão continues when we know this is not the case. Of course, every police force in the UK, and many beyond, have assisted in the search for Madeleine and for this we are extremely thankful. We are particularly grateful to Jim Gamble and the team at CEOP for the initiatives they have developed with us to help keep Madeleine’s abduction in the forefront of the public consciousness.

But a harsh fact remains. Since July 2008, there has been no police force anywhere actively investigating what has happened to Madeleine. We are the only people looking for her.

Never having experienced any sort of cross-jurisdiction investigation, it is difficult for us to understand why, especially within Europe, a more joined-up approach, drawing on the best expertise available, is not taken in cases of missing children. We have been told that this happens in crimes involving drugs, money-laundering and terrorism, where the primacy of the country in which the crime has been committed seems to be less of an issue. Surely the disappearance of a child merits the same attention from governments?

It is simply unacceptable that the authorities could decide no more can be done to find Madeleine when no comprehensive review of the case has been undertaken. Our daughter deserves better. All missing children and their families deserve better. There are still many stones to be turned and a review is an unturned boulder.

An independent investigative review is standard procedure in most major inquiries that remain unsolved, let alone the highest-profile missing-child case in Europe. A process of this type would help to identify areas for further exploration and new avenues yet to be pursued. Cases can remain unsolved simply because two pieces of the jigsaw have not been linked. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, and fresh eyes can often pick up some vital nugget that may have been overlooked by investigators grafting away on a case day in, day out. Who knows what might be revealed?

Who is the man Jane Tanner saw carrying a child, very probably Madeleine, away from our holiday apartment? Who is the man seen watching the apartment in the days before? Four years later he, or they, remain to be identified. ‘Clear the ground under your feet’ is a maxim the police like to quote. Has this been done? Have all those in the vicinity of the Ocean Club that spring, especially those with knowledge of our movements, been eliminated on solid grounds? Not according to what we have read in the police files. For a start, there are still people who have not been interviewed. Nor has everyone’s description been taken or their movements accounted for.