Mad Love (24 page)

I catch a glimpse of his mouth dropping open before my back is completely to him.

“Christ, Sophie,” he mutters.

I slowly turn to face him and can’t resist giving him a once over.

“Yes, Clayton?” I ask and his eyes eat me alive.

“Your body is perfect.” I watch as he checks me out.

So not perfect
, I think,
but I won’t argue with you.
Whatever drugs you’re on that make you see me in that way are just fine, in my opinion.

“Thank you, sir. But I think you and I both know that your body is the one that’s mouthwateringly, deliciously, incredible.” Where in the hell did that come from? How did I even come up with something like that? Did I read it in a book? I wonder.

“You’re trying to distract me,” he says huskily.

“Is it working?”

“Maybe,” he tells me as he takes a step toward me, slowly stalking me. He’s got full on wolf eyes and I smile in anticipation.

“Have you ever seen the movie
From Here to Eternity
?” I ask him as I think about the two of us replaying the famous beach scene in my head, where they kiss passionately on the sand.

“Of course.”

“Wanna role-play?” I flirt outrageously.

I let him pull me up against his body and instantly move my arms up his chest. I kiss his skin softly, lick his nipple, and sigh with contentment when he groans and lifts me up and kisses me full on the lips. I wrap my legs around his waist as he kisses me deeply. He pulls back and cups my face in his large hands.

“I don’t need to play. I just want you.”

God. I pull his face to mine and kiss him with all the passion I have. Our lips meet and before I know it I’m clinging to him, mindlessly lost in the moment. I could really kiss him for days, I dreamily think to myself. My desire for him is all consuming. I tighten my legs around his waist, trying to show him how bad I want him as well.

My
From Here to Eternity
fantasy is rudely snatched from me as I realize we’re waist deep in the water. How the hell did this happen? My eyes flip open in panic and I try to push away from Clayton and walk like a bat out of hell back to the safety zone, but Clayton won’t let go of me. His grip is tight and I know it’s useless to fight him.

“I don’t think so, baby.” His voice is so sure. Fucker. He knows I’m no match for his strength.

Since I know I’m safe in his arms, my legs hold him close like my life depends on it. And PS, it literally does. I can hear him laugh against my ear, but I won’t look at him because my arms have a death grip around his neck and my eyes are dead shut. I try to calm myself down, I know I’m acting like a complete and utter idiot, but it’s hard.

“Sophie. Let up. You’re practically choking me. Do you want me to drown?” Yeah, right. Him drown? As if. He tries to loosen my hold, but to hell with that. He asked for it. He deceived me!

“Do you think I would ever let anything happen to you, baby?” he whispers softly in my ear. “Do you think I would ever put you in any type
of danger? If I thought for one minute that there was something in this water that could harm you in any way, I would never let you step foot in it.” His hand rubs my head softly, massaging my neck to soothe me as he continues. “You can do this. We can do this together, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart? Yes, that’s how easy I am. Oh my God. I love his hands on my body, I love how he is trying to ease my fears. I love his soft voice whispering to me. I just … Fuck. I just love him.

And I trust him to take care of me.

I take in a deep breath and slowly let my grip slacken. I realize how much I hate this fear of mine, this weakness. We have so many great beaches in California and I never went in the ocean once. Not once. I watched. Observed my friends living. All while I was on the sidelines envying their freedom. How many times had Erik begged me to get in? Promised me that he would take care of me, hold my hand? I could never do it.

Maybe I was waiting for Clayton, the man who told me he would not let me watch from the sidelines anymore.

“Look at me, Sophie. Just look in my eyes,” he says encouragingly, as if he’s talking to a three-year-old child who’s just learning how to swim. It would be funny if it weren’t so embarrassing.

I slowly pull away from his body, try to be brave, and I hate that I can feel the tremble in my body, the weakness. But I do open my eyes and meet his tender gaze.

It is almost my undoing.

“Embrace the moment, baby. You can do it. I will always keep you safe.” He isn’t lying, or playing games. He is letting me know that he won’t let me go. He won’t let my fear overcome me and cause me to have heart palpitations. He won’t allow it.

“You’ve got this. I know you do.”

I was mortified by this fear of mine, by Clayton seeing this weakness, but suddenly I feel the exact opposite.

I feel safe.

“What happens if we see a shark?” I ask.

He smiles at me. “Then we see a shark.”

“What if it tries to attack us?”

“Then we’ll attack back.”

I laugh at the absurdity of that statement.

“Don’t you want to look around? See the beauty of the ocean around you?” he asks me as he looks out on the wide expanse of water. I can picture what it looks like in my head, I think to myself. I’ve got a great imagination.

My gaze doesn’t leave his as I shake my head. “Not particularly.”

“You’re going to have to.”

“Why?” Isn’t this enough?

“So we can conquer this fear of yours together.”

My eyes close at his words. Crap. Why does he have to be so perfect? Say the perfect things? It’s not right. It makes me want to cry.

“Are you ready, baby?”

“I guess. If
you
say so, then I must be, right?” I can’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

He gives me a sexy smile.

“You can stay wrapped around me, I like that part, but I want to watch your gorgeous face experience everything,” he cajoles me.

He’s relentless, isn’t he? I open my eyes and smile at him, hoping I don’t look as pathetic as I feel. My gaze slowly leaves his and I carefully start to turn my head. I notice that he’s moved farther into the ocean, so far that the water is now practically up to our shoulders. If I let go of him I’m going to have to tread water because he’s so damn tall. Suddenly, Erik’s absurd idea of being “stretched” doesn’t sound so bad. Alright, it’s now or never.

And then I face my fear with him and look out on the ocean.

The water shimmers from the sun’s rays like a dazzling prism. It’s so clear that I can see the small fish swimming around us. The colors are extraordinary, bright yellows, purples, and greens, against a canvas of aquamarine. They move about on their daily business, ignoring us, accustomed to people in their habitat. But the sound of the water is what transfixes me. It’s like a gentle lull, so tranquil, it gives me a sense of peace just from its calmness. I close my eyes and a crazy stillness comes over me.

I feel one with the water.

And somehow I know that I’ll be fine, and that no big, bad shark will come and get me. I stay like that for a while, leaning back and letting my arms just float around me, my ears in the ocean, listening to the sound of now. I feel him gently pull my legs away from his waist and I know what he’s doing and I’m okay with it. He lets me loose and I allow myself just to float and be, eyes closed, sun shining brightly on me, and it’s marvelous. I don’t know how long I stay like this, how long he hovers around me making sure I’m okay, ready and willing to help me in case I have a panic attack. But it’s in this moment that I have the first utterly still moment of my life. I hear nothing. Think nothing. I just am. Feeling. Breathing. My life. And it is one of the most unimaginable moments I’ve ever had. And I owe it to Clayton. He convinced me that I could do it. That I could face my greatest fear.

When I’m ready to move up out of my floating position, I find him a few feet away. The smile he gives me makes my toes curl.

“How was it?”

I nod happily as I swim toward him, but I notice how far we are from the shore.

“It was alright.” But my smile betrays me.

He pulls me into his embrace and I wrap my arms and legs around him again.

“Now that’s more like it,” he whispers in my ear. “I didn’t know how much more I could take of you floating like that with your delectable body there for me to view.”

“
Delectable body?
Are you for real?” I ask him with a smile. Who talks like this? No one from Los Angeles, that’s for damn sure. Most of the guys I’ve ever received compliments from have told me that I have a “hot bod.” He grabs hold of my ass and pushes me down so our bodies are plastered against each other.

Oh yes. He is very real. And for the time being, he’s all mine.

“Does that answer your question?” he asks curiously.

I run my fingers over his shoulders then up his hair.

“I don’t know. I still can’t really tell,” is how sex-starved Sophie answers the question.

His eyes blaze with passion and he lowers his head to take my mouth.

“Allow me to show you how real I am, Miss Walker.”

As promised, he keeps his word.

It’s night and Clayton and I are cuddled together in bed. His arms are wrapped around mine, holding me close as if I might disappear if he let me go. As if.

We spent the rest of the day swimming, snorkeling and making love. And yes, we did play out the scene
From Here to Eternity
and I’d bet that it was a way better version than what I saw in the film, and much more X-rated, of course.

We never tired of each other and I never tired of asking him question after question about his life, his family, anything I could glean from him. He asked me about Erik, my family, and my dreams. By the time we crawled into bed, we were both exhausted, too tired to make love again, but content just to hold each other.

I turn my head up so I can look at him, and I smile at the boyish look he has in sleep. So peaceful. Innocent, actually. I know better, but still, it’s nice to see him like this. I move my hand and caress his cheek, wondering what I’ll do when it comes time for us to say goodbye. I’m in the exact place emotionally that I didn’t want to be. In love. Lust. Overwhelmed. Needing him with a hunger and urgency I never believed was possible.

And I know, somehow I know, that without him, I will be lost.

14

Bikram drives us in a golf cart to our bungalows. Clayton and I have both been very quiet since he arrived on
our
island to pick us up. Yes, it is now officially “our island.”
I still can’t believe
how sad I was to leave. It was so nice having Clayton all to myself, just getting to be with him, eat with him, talk to him, and if you can believe,
snorkel
with him? He managed to get me out in the ocean again and we explored the sea together. He held my hand the whole time, and even pointed out interesting-looking fish for me to look at. Now, we’re back to “reality,” joining our friends again.

He didn’t talk to me about staying with him in his villa back at the resort, so I’m assuming we’re parting ways, each off to our own place. I’m sad that we’re not going to be staying together, even though I know it’s probably for the best; this way I won’t become even more attached to him than I already am, which is an obscene amount. Since the first night on our island I began to do an official countdown of when I’d be leaving the Maldives. Officially, we have only one week left together.

Clayton told me last night that he booked his villa for an extra week, so he’ll be staying on after I go. The thought of him here without me is depressing.
You have seven more days,
Sophie.
Calm down
, I keep telling myself. I don’t want to think about the end of the trip before I’ve even lived it. I know it’s not the right way of looking at things, the way Noom would approve of, so every single time the thought creeps into my head, I stop it by forcing myself to live in the now. To be honest, I’m surprising myself by becoming better and better at that.

Practice, as they say, makes perfect.

Bikram turns down the long wooden ramp toward the overwater villas. I am excited about seeing Erik and Orie and catching up. I genuinely missed them, but now after spending so much sacred time with Clayton, I
don’t know how much I’m willing to share. Suddenly I don’t want to give all the details or repeat intimate conversations, because I feel like they should completely and utterly belong to us alone. They’ll stay locked inside for now. If there ever is a time when I tell, then so be it.

I’m surprised when the golf cart goes past my bungalow and pulls up to Clayton’s villa. I would have thought that he’d go to mine first, which would be the polite thing to do.

When the cart stops, Clayton jumps out and starts to help Bikram with the few bags. I am a little taken aback at how quickly he’s left me. I thought he’d stay, hold my hand some more, kiss me, then tell me to drop my things off and walk over to his place. I’m glad I have sunglasses on to cover my shock. Clayton puts his hands on the top of the cart and leans in, smiling at me softly. He looks so damn sexy in his aviator shades. The only problem is that I can’t tell what he’s thinking with them on. I give him a bright smile, hoping that he can’t tell how sad I suddenly am to have to be apart from him.

“Are you happy we’re back?” he asks me tenderly.

“Yes, I missed Erik and Orie,” I reply quickly, trying to be cool.

But I want to bury my face in my hands and cry my eyes out. I don’t know why I’m such a wimp, but I am.

He stares at me for a second longer, then looks over at Bikram. I pretend to study my manicure, biting my lip so my mouth doesn’t start trembling in sadness. This is the kind of moment that can lead to Sophie Walker tears, or the floodgates from hell, as Erik lovingly calls them. Clayton taps the top of the golf cart.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer, Bikram. Thanks for all you’ve done.”

Does this mean I’m coming in? Or that I’m supposed to walk over to my villa? I can’t tell. I can’t assume. I can’t do a damn thing because I don’t know what the rules are in this game. Clayton leans back into the cart and stares at me for a long moment. I realize I have to look up at him and pretend apathy. I know men hate sniveling, weak women, and that’s the last
way I want him to think of me. I need to act calm even though I feel the exact opposite.