Mad Addiction (Crazy Beautiful #2) (21 page)

“But what if I fuck up again?” I ask, admitting my deepest fear.

“Know that it would be a choice—you can give in, or you can fight. I suggest you choose wisely.”

“Clearly I haven’t been very good at making the right choices.” I chuckle, avoiding Dr. Setter’s stare by looking out the window.

“Want my best piece of advice?”

“Hell yeah I do. What have you been holding out on me, doc?”

Dr. Setter chuckles. “My best advice is not to overthink it. You’ll drive yourself mad doing that. Just stay strong and go with your gut, Ryan. I’m sure it will eventually get you where you need to go. Don’t let anything else control you. What’s in here is what matters most.” He taps his chest, indicating his heart.

I nod in understanding and shake Dr. Setter’s hand, thanking him as I stand up to leave.

As soon as walk out of the clinic I make a promise to myself—I promise that I will never, ever let a weakness control me ever again. I’m stronger than that. Nothing can break me.

I’m startled awake as I shoot up in the rocking chair. It takes a second to realize I even fell asleep. I look around the room and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. A single beam of light comes in from the window, illuminating the wooden crib. I get up and grab one of the stuffed animals sitting inside and think about the fact that soon I will be bringing a kid in here—into my fucked up world. Will I be able to handle it?

Dr. Setter’s words come back to me—
Just stay strong and go with your gut, Ryan. I’m sure it will eventually get you where you need to go.

His advice has worked for me so far. I just hope it’s going to be enough this time.

Kelley

Thirty-five Weeks

“I’
m telling you, Luc, it’s crazy how it works. The baby comes out all wrinkly and purple, still attached inside with a cord made up of a vein and arteries and shit, and after that’s cut this blob on the other end called the after-birth comes sliding out. It’s fucking weird, man.”

Kinsley looks at me with curious amusement as we overhear Ryan and Lucas talking a few feet away. I roll my eyes. “Ever since we took that six-week childbirth class it’s all he talks about. At first I thought he was scared but now it’s like he has some morbid fascination with the entire process.”

Kinsley laughs. “I think it’s sweet he’s so involved.”

“There’s a fine line between sweet and creepy, Kins.” I also laugh, secretly knowing that I do find it strangely sweet. But, per usual, I’m trying really hard to keep an emotional distance from the father of my child. Why does he have to be so damn infuriating? One minute he’s making me scream in frustration, and the next it’s in complete and utter ecstasy.

I look up and call playfully to Lucas, who looks like he might lose his lunch thanks to Ryan’s detailed descriptions. “Sure you don’t want a kid anytime soon, Luc?”

He swallows thickly before shaking his head. “I’m good. Besides, I want this one all to myself for a while.” He comes up behind Kinsley to rest his head on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her waist. “So, any big plans for the big two-eight next week, Ry?”

I look confusedly at Ryan, who doesn’t make eye contact.

“I guess we’ll do the usual? Dinner followed by me whooping your ass in pool at The Cue? If you’re lucky I’ll even let the birthday boy win a game.” Lucas teases. “We’re away next weekend, but how about the Monday after? All four of us can go and make a night of it.”

Ryan nods but we’re interrupted as we hear people begin to arrive at the door. Kinsley insisted on throwing me a baby shower, which I really didn’t want, but finally agreed to as long as it would be both guys and girls. That way it feels more like a regular social gathering, and hopefully nobody will ask too many personal questions with the opposite sex present. I knew if it was an all-girl party I would get grilled about the details of my relationship with Ryan, which is not something I want to live through.

As Lucas and Kinsley make their way to greet our guests, I hang back with Ryan. “It’s your birthday next week?” I ask. He shrugs. I try to keep the hurt out of my voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not a big deal, Brooks.”

“Well I think it is. We should do something special.”

He raises an eyebrow lustfully. “What did you have in mind?”

I playfully slap his shoulder. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.” He looks at me with such hunger that I’m afraid I might take my clothes off for him right here. Thankfully people come through the door, distracting us both.

Tristan and Hazel arrive first and I immediately pick up on Ryan’s annoyance as soon as he sees them together. Hazel walks up to her brother and hugs him. As I say my own hellos, I hear Ryan sharply ask what she’s doing with Tristan, to which Hazel replies, “You know how hard it was to get out without Mom knowing where I was going? I needed a ride and called him. Don’t give me that look, Ry. I’m not a kid anymore. By the way, Grams says she’s sorry she can’t make it, but I have a big gift from her in the car.”

Ryan doesn’t look thrilled, but softens his expression as more people appear. Most are friends, while some are coworkers or work acquaintances. Thankfully my parents couldn’t make it, and obviously we didn’t even invite Holly. Among the guests currently arriving are my boss, Logan, and even Gemma. Eli was nice enough to host it at his house, and Kinsley decorated the entire place with mint colored balloons, tons of white peonies, and a big banner that reads “Oh, Baby” with a smaller “We can’t wait to meet you Caden” sign beneath. (Yes, Ryan and I finally decided on a name that doesn’t remind us of any perverts, jerks, or thieves.)

“This place looks great, Kelley. Kinsley did an awesome job. Thanks so much for inviting me.” Gemma looks shyly around the room.

“Of course, Gem. Thanks for coming.” I notice Gemma looks distracted so I tilt my head to see she’s staring at Logan, who is laughing with Tristan and Lucas. His dimples are on full display, making Gemma blush the same shade as her hair.

I smile to myself. Gemma is so sweet and innocent it’s almost nauseating to watch. But cute at the same time. I don’t think she’d know what to do with a guy like Logan. Or maybe a guy like him wouldn’t know what to do with her.

Kinsley distracts us both by calling me over to open presents. Ryan looks about as thrilled as I do to have to sit in front of everyone and make gaga noises over what they bought us, but it’s nice of them to be so generous. The least we can do is gush a little.

Ryan and I sit on the couch as Kinsley hands us the first gift from her and Lucas. I pull out the yellow tissue paper from the gift bag that has adorable baby animals and unwrap the tiniest little onesie that says, “If you think I’m cute you should see my Uncle Lucas.”

I laugh out loud and hand it to Ryan, who rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right. This shit is going straight in the trash.”

“Come on, man. You know it’s true.” Lucas replies with a snicker.

“Wait, maybe we’ll use it as a diaper first.” Ryan tosses it back into the bag, but I can tell he’s amused.

I pull out the next gift from the bag and pull out various pieces to a bottle kit. “Aww this will be a big help. Thanks, Kins.”

Ryan looks at one of the packages skeptically. “A nipple brush?”

“Dude, it’s so not what you think.” Lucas shakes his head, confirming he originally had the same misguided idea. All the girls in the room laugh while the men look uncomfortable.

By the time we’re finished with all the gifts, it’s safe to say Caden shouldn’t need anything for a while. Between diapers and toys and a stroller—not to mention the fact his closet will be bigger than mine—he is one lucky kid.

Seeing how generous, genuinely happy, and kind everyone is being today also makes me realize I’m pretty lucky, too.

Which makes me feel extremely guilty since I don’t deserve any of it.

After a few hours of eating and mingling, the party is finally winding down. Lucas, Kinsley, Logan, Tristan, Hazel, Ryan, and I are in the living room. Everyone is cleaning up while I sit on the couch, too tired, stuffed, and sore to move. Nobody would let me help anyway, which makes me feel even guiltier. Ryan is on the couch next to me, resting back with his arms behind his head and his ankles crossed.

Tristan gathers up assorted empty cups and plates from around the room. “Care to help or are you just going to sit there like an asshole?” He directs his glare at Ryan, who looks completely unfazed.

“Nah, I’m good. But you missed some trash over there.” Ryan nods to the side table.

“Fuck you, princess. It’s not like you’re the pregnant one.” Tristan grumbles, but picks up the dirty cup Ryan indicated.

“No, but he’s half my kid, which means it’s my party, too.” Ryan stretches out further to make himself more comfortable, purposely egging Tristan on. Hazel and Kinsley giggle at their banter while Lucas and Logan shake their heads.

“Yeah, about that.” Tristan motions between Ryan and I. “I still don’t get it. Are you sure this isn’t all a joke? Be honest with us, bro—you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants and knocked her up by accident, didn’t you. ”

“What the fuck, T?” Lucas jumps in.

Tristan shrugs. “What? I’m just saying, if you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.” Everyone glares at Tristan now, which makes him get defensive. “Come on, you have to admit this whole ‘settling down’ thing is shady as shit.” He makes air quotes when he says the words
settling down
. “We all know Ry is a use ‘em and lose ‘em kind of guy, and then all of a sudden he’s playing house with some random chick out of the blue?”

Before I have time to process what’s happening, Ryan is up, hands balled into fists at his sides. He gets in Tristan’s face. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about so I suggest you shut your goddamn mouth. It’s none of your fucking business what I do or who I do it with, but if I ever hear you refer to Kelley as some random chick ever again I’ll kick your fucking teeth in like I should have done years ago.”

I’ve never seen Ryan look so dominating before, and it sort of scares me.

It also kind of thrills me.

As if sensing this could get ugly, Lucas and Logan move to separate them. Tristan studies Ryan’s threatening glare before finally backing off. Ryan holds his hands up in surrender as Luc holds him back, indicating he’s cool, although I see his jaw is still clenched.

The room is now filled with an awkward silence as tension hangs heavily in the air. I hope my face doesn’t give away all the tortured emotions I’m currently feeling. On the one hand I feel exhilarated Ryan just stood up for me like that, but on the other I know Tristan didn’t deserve it—he’s actually right.

Ryan reaches for my hand and I robotically let him help me to my feet. He grinds out, “We’re going,” and makes for the front hall. As he leads me out the door I peek back at Kinsley, who gives me a sad yet understanding look. I return it, trying to apologize. I know her and Lucas are going to have to do some major damage control to keep up this lie for us, especially after that outburst, and it’s not fair we put them in this position.

Ryan coldly helps me into my seat of the truck, the back of which is filled with all the boxes and gift bags. Without saying a word he gets into the driver’s seat, starts up the engine, and peels out of the driveway.