Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (7 page)

I had te sleep in the end of the bed last night, cos me ma had a man in the bed wit her. I didn't like tha at all, cos they were very noisy, an he was tormentin her all night, an they kept kickin me, an I couldn't sleep properly. His name's Anto, an he sells newspapers on the street corner. He got up outa bed this mornin, an he left in a hurry. Me ma looked at me an said, ‘He didn't leave me any money! I was goin te ask him fer a few bob. I've no milk or bread! Run after him an ask him fer the loan of one an six.'

Tha's a shillin an sixpence. So I ran down an shouted, ‘Anto!' But he wouldn't answer me, so I caught up wit him on the street. An he said he had nothin. But I said, ‘Me ma needs it te buy bread an milk,' an he gave me a shillin, but he was very annoyed.

Me ma was disappointed an said, ‘Is tha all he gave ye?'

‘Yeah, Ma! An he wasn't goin te give me anythin!'

Today, me ma went down te see a neighbour, an she said te me, as she was rushin out the door, ‘You stay here an mind the babby!'

But I said, ‘No! I'm goin out te play,' an I rushed out behind her an down the stairs. When I got onta the street, I saw all the people lookin up at a winda an screamin. They were pointin an shoutin an coverin their faces wit their hands. An some were gettin weak. When I looked up te see wha was causin all the bother, I saw me babby brother Charlie sittin on the windasill lookin down. I rushed inta the hall an up the stairs. I couldn't move fast enough – there were too many stairs, an it was an awful long way up. A door opened, an me ma shot out. She roared at me as she galloped up the stairs, ‘I told you te mind the babby!' I came rushin in behind her as she grabbed me babby brother from the windasill. The cot was in the corner, right beside the winda, an the winda was open. So the babby climbed outa his cot an crawled onta the windasill an was kneelin there lookin down at everyone. He's barely twelve months old, an we nearly lost him.

Me ma got te know the neighbours. An two of them are her friends. They dye their hair white an wear lots a lipstick an powder. They gave their childre te another woman te mind, an now we're all gone down te the North Wall Quay, where the boat te Liverpool docks. Me an the babby an me ma an her two friends wait outside a pub just opposite the boat. They wait fer someone, but he doesn't turn up, an it's gettin late. Then a man comes along, an he's wearin a blue blazer, an his black hair is shiny an combed back wit Brylcreem. He has a black moustache, but he's very small an has a big belly. The women say te each other, ‘He's probably a sailor, go on over an ask him.'

The man sees them lookin at him an shouts, ‘Ay, ye's all right, girls?' an smiles. The women smile back an shout, ‘Is there any chance of a passage?' An the man comes over te talk te them. Then he goes off an we wait. After a while, he comes back again an brings us up the gangplank an onta the ship. The two women go off wit some sailors, an the man takes me an the ma an the babby down te a room wit seats all along the walls. He tells me ma te put us on the seats, an we'll be fine there. Then he tells her te go wit him. She turns te us an says, ‘You stay there, Martha. I'll be back in a minute!' An then she goes off. I was a bit worried about bein left alone in a strange place, but I didn't follow her, cos I couldn't leave the babby. I sat there waitin, an people started te come inta the room wit their suitcases an sit themselves down. They were givin me odd looks, but nobody said anythin. I wanted te ask someone te find me mammy, but now they were just ignorin me. The babby was curled up beside me, an he was fast asleep. I kept puttin me hand on him te mind him, an I was very frightened.

It was now in the middle of the night, an the other people were sleepin. I kept creepin out an up the stairs te see if I could find her. But I was afraid of gettin lost, an I wouldn't find me babby. So I kept lookin back te make sure I knew where I was. An when I got te the top of the stairs an turned right, there were crowds an crowds of people, all drinkin an laughin. I couldn't see anythin, an I was just walkin through people's legs. They were knockin me down, cos they couldn't see me, an I was panickin an shovin people's legs outa the way. I wanted te get back down again te me babby brother an me seat, an I started roarin, cos I lost me way fer a minute. I was runnin aroun tryin te find me way, but nobody would listen te me, cos they were all drunk. I did find me way back down the stairs an found the babby. An I never moved again.

The next mornin, people started te get ready te leave the ship. An when we docked, the people started te leave the room. I started te shake wit fright, cos me ma didn't come back, an we were goin te be left here. When everyone was gone, I rushed out the door an up the stairs an started screamin, cos everyone was gone an only a man was sweepin up. I ran aroun shoutin fer me mammy, an the man wit the brush came over an asked me where she'd gone. I said she'd gone wit the sailor an she didn't come back. He took me back te the babby an told me te wait. Then me ma came, an she didn't look too happy. She gave us nothin te eat or drink. I was hungry an thirsty, an the babby was starvin. But she didn't bother. We left the ship an walked inta the city. The women went inta a shop an came out wit a bar a chocolate, an they were laughin. I don't know why, but I didn't see anyone give money fer the chocolate. Me ma went te Social Assistance, an they gave her the boat ticket te go back te Ireland or they'd put us in a home. So we came home on the next boat.

When we got te our flat, the door was broken, an our stuff was gone. Me ma's handbag wit all her papers was thrown aroun the room. An some were missin.

‘All me stuff is gone! Me papers are missin!' An she was in a terrible shock. Any bits an pieces we had left from me granny was all gone. Our clothes were gone, even the babby's stuff. They took his cot an smashed up our bed. The spring, wit all the spokes stickin up, was thrown against the wall. The teapot an cups an plates were gone. We had nothin left, nothin!

I took the babby an carried him outside, an we sat on the landin. I didn't know wha we could do. I heard me ma crunchin aroun on the broken china an talkin te herself. ‘I know who's fuckin responsible fer this,' she said. An then she marched outa the room. She went past me an down the stairs. I didn't get a chance te ask her where she was goin, so I picked up the babby an dragged him down the stairs. He was too heavy fer me te carry. I didn't know where she'd gone, so I kept on goin down, draggin the babby's legs down the stairs after me. I was afraid I'd drop him on the stone stairs, cos they were very steep, an it was an awful long way down. So I held him tight under his arms, an he was afraid, too. He kept a tight hold on me arms, an he was holdin his breath, afraid te cry.

When we came onta a landin, we could hear shoutin an screamin. It was comin from downstairs, so I tried te hurry. We nearly fell backwards, but I landed against the banisters, an I was still holdin onta the babby. When I got on te the next landin, me ma was screamin at the two neighbours she'd been friendly wit. One of the women looked at me an shouted, ‘Go on, ye whore! There's yer bastards now!' An before she could finish, me ma lunged at her, grabbin her hair. The other woman joined in, an they started tearin me ma te pieces. I screamed an tried te drag the babby away. But they toppled over us, sendin the babby flyin te bang his head on the concrete floor an stampin on him. Me forehead hit the ground, an I was kicked in the head an me back. An me nose started te pump blood. I was tryin te reach out fer the babby, but everythin was spinnin. The babby was tryin te reach his hands in the air te turn himself, an he was blue an he was makin gaspin sounds.

The women were still draggin me ma along the landin by the hair an punchin her. I crawled over te the babby, an me nose was pumpin blood away like a tap. Everythin was still like a merry-go-round. Blood was pourin onta him, but I grabbed him an started te slap his back te get him te breathe properly, an I was chokin meself in me blood. People came runnin when a man came down the stairs an shouted, ‘There's kids hurted here! Help me, someone!' An then doors opened an a woman rushed te pick up the babby, who was white as a sheet an gone very quiet. He was covered, soakin wet, in me blood. They carried us inside the room while the man went te break up the fight.

We were taken by the ambulance te hospital. An I was put in a ward wit a load of other childre. Me ma didn't come te the ward wit me, an they didn't put the babby in wit me. I don't know wha happened te him, an I'm afraid te ask, cos the nurse is very strict. We have te lie very still in the bed under the white sheets an black blankets, cos the nurse doesn't like ye te crease the sheets. An we have te keep our arms by our sides, under the blankets. A little child in a cot has knocked down the bars, an he's whimperin wit fright, cos he can't get the bars up. He doesn't look three years old te me. The nurse comes stampin down the ward, grabs him outa the cot an swings him aroun the ward by his arm. She says she'll teach him a lesson. An she's screamin an hittin him somethin terrible. I don't move or breathe; I'm afraid of me life.

We can only have visitors on a Sunday from three p.m. te four p.m. The doors open, an the visitors rush in. I'm lookin te see if me mammy's comin. But she's not here yet. The little girl beside me in the next bed has her mammy an daddy an her granny. An they're brushin her lovely long curly hair, an fixin her, an pettin her, an makin sure her pillows are fluffed up. An they keep askin her is she all right. But she's afraid te say anythin, an just buries her head in her mammy's chest an keeps whisperin, ‘Take me home, Mammy! Take me home.'

The mammies are all busy, emptyin shoppin bags filled wit Lucozade, an biscuits, an sweets, an washcloths, an towels, an clean nightdresses, an pyjamas fer the boys. I keep watchin the door, but there's no sign of me mammy, an I feel me heart begin te empty. She's not comin, an it's nearly all over. Then the nurse crashes in, wavin the big bell, an announces te everyone, ‘Visitors' time up,' an then the childre panic, grabbin their mammies. An some leap inta their arms an won't let go. ‘No, Mammy! Take me wit ye. Don't leave me here,' an they flood inta tears. But the mammies have te pull themselves away. The nurse arrives te stand guard at the door, an there's sudden quiet. As soon as the last mammy leaves, the doors are shut, an the nurse gets very annoyed. She stamps from locker te locker, takin the childre's sweets an tellin them they're very greedy, an they're not goin te eat them all. She gets te me, an I've no sweets. I'm very lucky, cos she didn't roar at me. An then she says they have te be shared. So she put an orange in my locker an a box a Smarties. She left everyone wit a bit a somethin an took away the rest.

I was sittin at the table wit the other childre finishin me dinner. It was lovely! Mashed white potatoes an mincemeat an turnip. I wanted te lick the plate, but the other childre didn't do tha, an I didn't want te make a show a meself. But I didn't like the custard. It was all lumpy an me stomach was turnin. So I was tryin te get at the jelly underneath an wonderin what I'd do wit the custard, cos we're supposed te eat it all up. Suddenly the door opened an the nurse appeared wit me mammy. She had a brown package under her arm, an the nurse said te me, ‘Your mammy's here to take you home.'

Me heart jumped, an I was delighted. She put me inta a long brown frock. It was a bit big fer me, but it felt lovely an warm. I was well covered, an it had sleeves, an the shoes were grand. Then me ma shoved tilet paper down the toes te stop them fallin offa me. An the coat was green wit a bit a fur aroun the collar an sleeves. I even had a vest an thermal navy-blue knickers! But I had te hold them up, cos they were a bit big fer me, an the elastic in the legs was gone. The only thing I need now is a pair a socks an a hat, cos it's rainin out. But me ma said we were goin on the bus. I asked her where we were goin an where was the babby, but she just said, ‘Stop askin questions an moidierin me!' an then she went back te herself. So I kept quiet, cos I didn't want te annoy her.

When we got off the bus, we walked along a road wit a high wall an huge trees. An then we came te big gates, an me ma went in. We went up a dark road wit big trees keenin in the wind. I didn't like the look of it, an I was afraid. I held onta me ma's hand tight an hoped nothin was goin te happen. ‘Ma! Where are we goin?' I croaked, but she didn't answer me.

When we rounded the bend, I could see a big house wit a chapel, an there was white pebble stones all round the front, an it made crunchin noises when we walked on it. Me ma pressed the big roundy bell, an a woman wit a hairy chin an a man's haircut opened the door. Me ma said the Reverend Mother was expectin her, an the woman brought us in an told us te sit down. She left us in the hall, an me ma sat down on a wooden priest's chair tha kept creakin when she moved. Tha was the only sound we heard. The hall smelled of polish, an ye could see yer face in the shiny black an white floor tiles. There was a big statue of Our Lady holdin the Babby Jesus standin up on a wooden stand, an holy pictures on the walls.

The nun appeared, an me ma jumped up. Me ma smiled at her an said, ‘This is Martha, Sister,' an the nun said, ‘Good! Follow me.' We went inta a parlour, an there was a tray wit a pot a tea, an a plate wit ham an tomatoes, an another plate wit bread an butter. Then the nun left an said she'd be back later when we'd finished eatin. Me ma said, ‘Eat tha up,' an I wondered why it was only fer me.

‘You eat it, Ma! I don't want it.' I was feelin sick. ‘Wha's happenin, Ma? Why're we here?'

‘Go on! Eat it up before the nun gets back.'

I tried te eat, but I kept lookin at me ma's face. Her eyes were starin at me, an then she'd look te the door waitin fer the nun te come back. I knew me ma was gone from me. An there was nothin te do but wait. The nun came in an took me hand, an we walked off down the passage. Then the nun stopped an said te me, ‘Wave goodbye to your mammy!' But I didn't look aroun, an I didn't say anythin. I just walked on, holdin on te the nun's hand. An the life went outa me, an I just shut down. Cos now I was empty.