Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (65 page)

I wandered back, headin towards some lights I could see comin outa a shop. Big young fellas an young ones wit college scarves aroun their necks were laughin an pushin each other. I looked at them wit their big white Gibbs toothpaste smiles, an clean shiny faces, an lovely long hair, an ye could see they were well looked after an not a bother in the world on them. The lights went out in the shop, an the people were sayin goodnight, an then they went their separate ways, laughin an wavin. An then everythin went dark an quiet.

I moved on, feelin very tired an cold. I passed big houses, wonderin where I was goin te sleep. I need te find a bit of shelter, somewhere in outa the cold an wind comin in from the sea. An I don't want anyone te spot me, or God knows wha might happen te me. I walked on, lookin at the houses, desperate te find somewhere. An then I stopped at a house tha was very dark an deserted lookin. I walked up the path an looked at the inside a the porch. There was a hairy brush mat on the doorstep, an I pulled it inta the corner an lay down, fallin asleep. But I kept wakin up from the cold an was disappointed te find I was only dreamin I was under the pissy blankets an coats at home. I got up an pulled the mat out onta the grass. This might be softer. But I woke up again from the cold, an I decided te look fer somewhere else. I crossed the road an found a concrete shelter on the beach. I was happy te be in outa the wind an settled meself in the corner wit me back against the wall an me feet stretched out along the bench. An I could keep an eye on the entrance, in case someone tried te creep up on me. It was very dark, but I didn't mind, just glad of the peace, an I made me plans.

Tomorrow mornin, I would take the bus inta town, an I'd have te get a few pounds a butter te get meself some money. But I didn't mind, cos it was fer meself, an I'd only need enough te feed meself wit. An now I don't have te go inta the shops every weekend an rob all tha butter an food fer them. I could give it up an only take the odd few pounds. Just enough te keep me goin. I'd better buy a candle, just in case I have te come back here tomorrow night. But I have all the time in the world te find somethin better. I was feelin very happy wit meself.

I'd got the bus inta town an managed te get six pounds a butter an sold it fer one pound an one shillin. An I'd gone up te Woolworths café an bought meself beans an chips an a fried egg. An I was just comin down the stairs when who should appear in front of me but Jackser an me ma! I got such a shock! I just stood an stared inta Jackser's face grinnin up at me. An then I turned me eyes te me ma. She turned away from me, not meetin me eyes, an chewed her lip, lookin at the wall. ‘You were right,' he said te me ma. ‘This was the very place te find her!'

Me ma looked at him an avoided lookin inta me eyes, an said, ‘I told ye this is where she comes.'

I came back te me senses an looked past him, judgin me chances of escape. But they were blockin the stairs, an Jackser grabbed me arm an said, ‘Ye needn't try te run off, cos I'll find ye, even if I have te scour these streets night an day. I'll catch ye sooner or later. Now empty yer pockets!' an he took the seventeen shillins an sixpence I had left in me pocket. He held me arm, an he marched me all the way back home.

When we got in the door, he picked me up by the back of me neck an flung me across the room. I hit the fireplace on the top of me head, an everythin went black, an I saw stars. An me dinner shot outa me neck. An Jackser grabbed me neck again an wiped me face an nose inta the sick. Me breath was cut off, an I tried te struggle, pushin up an away wit me hands on the floor. But they were slidin in the vomit, an Jackser was roarin inta me head. Then he let go an gave me an unmerciful kick in me side, an I started retchin again, not able te breathe. An the pain was worse than anythin I ever had before. I was swingin meself up, tryin te get te me feet te maybe crawl under the bed te get away from him. He was hammerin on the walls an slammin the table wit his fists. ‘You're not breakin up this family!' he was roarin. ‘Sally told me all about ye. Gettin her te run away from me! Puttin ideas in her head! So now, the only one leavin here is you! You're gettin on tha boat tonight, an you're goin te England. Ye can stay wit her brother in Hemel Hempstead. An if I ever set eyes on ye again, you're fuckin dead! Ye're gettin this chance te walk outa here alive. But there'll be no next time.'

I crawled up on me feet, draggin meself up onta the bed. An then stood, not movin, waitin fer him te let me move. Me head was like it belonged te someone else. An me back was bent in two from the pain. An I still felt sick. Me nose was stuffed wit the vomit, an me clothes was destroyed. It was soaked inta me hair. How am I goin te clean me coat? It's destroyed! Me ma never moved a muscle, just sat starin at nothin, lookin like a marble statue. Poor Charlie was white as a sheet, an Teddy an Harry was hidin in the corner of the bed, their eyes bulgin wit fright. An Dinah was the only one screamin, an she was sobbin now, lookin from me te Jackser, waitin an watchin te see if the killins was over.

They walked me down te the boat tha night, leavin Charlie te mind the childre. He was five now. An I feel sorry fer him, cos they'll expect him te take up where I left off. We arrived at the gangplank, an crowds a people were gettin on the mailboat. ‘Ma! I whispered. ‘Ye have te give me the address! Where does yer brother Barney live?'

‘In Hemel Hempstead,' she said, agitated.

‘I know, Ma, but where?' I asked, desperate.

‘When ye get off the boat, ye get on the train fer London. It takes ye te Hamel Hempstead.'

‘The train takes ye te Hemel Hempstead, Ma?' I asked.

‘No!' she roared. ‘The train takes ye te Euston Station, then ye find yer way te Hemel Hempstead!'

‘Come on,' Jackser roared. ‘Let her get on the boat,' an he pushed me up the gangplank. I handed me ticket te the man, an he handed it back, an I put it in me pocket. I looked back, but they were walkin off, makin their way up the quays. An they didn't stop te look back at me. Other people were on the quays, wavin off their relatives an friends. But there was no one te wish me good luck. I went over te the railins te look out. But I couldn't see anythin, cos it was too high up fer me te look over. An I stood wit me back te it, watchin all the other people.

There was a crowd a fellas an girls tryin te get te know each other. ‘Keep away now from tha Soho place! A lovely lassie like you will be eaten alive by them foreigners!' a culchie roared at a Dublin one. An he shook himself, roarin laughin te his friends, thinkin he was very smart.

‘Here! It's you that's just arrived up on the hay lorry. I wasn't born yesterday ye know!'

‘By Gawd! Lookin at them knockers, I'd agree wit ye there!' An he stuck his head between his legs an slapped himself, roarin laughin.

‘Ye'll get a belt in the gob if ye give me any more of yer insults!' An she picked up her handbag an her cardboard suitcase, an shouted, ‘Come on, Winnie!'

‘Right! Let's go,' Winnie said. An she staggered off on her big black high heels tha would stab ye they were so pointy.

The fellas jumped after them. ‘Ah, no! No! No! Don't go, tha eejit was only kiddin. Don't take no notice a him. Sure tha fella don't know his arse from his elbow. Here! Have a cigarette,' an they all pulled out their boxes of cigarettes, pullin the girls back, who didn't want te be pulled back but hoped they would be at the same time.

‘We're decent people, ye know!' the girl shouted te them.

‘Oh, God, that ye's are! An lovely girls at tha. Now let's all be friends, an we'll buy ye a drink, an we'll all be merry. Cos, God knows, life is short, an it's a very hard one at that. Now! Wha do ye's say?'

Yer woman took time te make her mind up. An Winnie said, ‘Well, all right, then. But don't think we're easy! An we're not tha easily bought!'

The culchie slapped her on the back an laughed. An winked behind her back te his pals an shook his head te tell them te follow him. An they went down the stairs te get their drinks.

Tha left me lookin at the old man wit the red face from bein out workin in all weathers. He was lookin over the railins, leanin on his arms. An he had a faraway look in his eyes. He was wearin his best suit, but it didn't fit him. The trousers was hangin down in rolls, coverin his brown shoes. An the collar of his shirt was covered in dirt. He looked down at his cardboard suitcase tied up wit the belt of his trousers te make sure it was still there. An then he pulled out ten Sweet Afton cigarettes from his jacket pocket an counted the rest left in the packet an lit one up. An put the box in his pocket. Then he picked up his suitcase an looked aroun him. I knew he was a country man, cos he had a shifty nervous look in his eyes, an they walk wit their heads goin first an their shoulders down an their arses stuck out. An I could tell he wouldn't mix wit too many people. I don't think he has a wife an childre, an I felt sorry fer him, cos he looked very lonely. An I think he was poor. I felt very lonely an lost meself. An I wished I was like them big young ones an the fellas gone down te the bar. Only I would never take drink! Tha destroys people!

It was gettin cold out here, but I was afraid te wander off. If I sit downstairs, people will see I'm on me own an maybe ask questions. An I wouldn't know wha te say. I only have me ticket. It's one way te London, an when I get there, I don't know how te get te Hemel Hempstead. An even if I do get there, how will I find him? I can't understand why me ma didn't give me his address. I just don't know what I'm supposed te do. Maybe if I make me way there somehow, I can ask people do they know him. They didn't even leave me any money te buy meself somethin te eat. Or I might need the train fare or bus or somethin te get from London. I can't think any more. Me head is too dizzy. An I have a big lump on the top of it the size of a door knob. Ye can see it, never mind feel it. An me back an hip feels like there's hot knives goin through it. But when I stay still, it just throbs a bit. An anyway, I'm bent over from the pain, an people would be lookin at me. An I'd only draw attention te meself. So I wandered over te the stairs an found a quiet corner in a passage an settled meself there wit me legs stretched out.

I woke up suddenly an tried te lift me head. It felt like a cement block. I could see two fellas lurchin from side te side, hangin onta their bottles a porter. The ship was rockin like mad, an they couldn't get very far. ‘Give us a hand, Mick!' But Mick went down, still hangin onta his bottle a porter, landin on the side of his face an rollin onta his back, upendin the porter all over himself. An then he started te vomit his guts up, turnin his head sideways.

‘Ah, Paidin, I'm dyin!'

‘Ah, fuck ye!' Paidin roared. ‘Will ye get up outa tha!' An he spun aroun, seein nothin an spillin his porter everywhere. An then like a fountain, he spewed vomit everywhere an collapsed beside Mick, landin on his face, an went out cold. The smell was terrible, an I wanted te move. But I was like a dead weight wit the pain in me head, an me back was on fire. So I just closed me eyes an waited fer the sick feelin in me stomach te pass.

When I woke, it was mornin. An the ship gave a bang as it landed at the dock. I could hear the ship's horn blastin away te let everyone know we'd arrived in Liverpool. People started movin along the passage an up the stairs, carryin their suitcases. I pushed me hands on the floor an got meself standin up. I felt like every bone in me body was broken. I was so sore an me mouth felt like sawdust.

I climbed the stairs, followin the people, an then down the gangplank an inta the train station. The place was crowded, an everyone was hurryin te get on the trains. Men in striped uniforms wit fancy hats on their heads were busy loadin the big sacks a mail offa the ship an onta trolleys. A man's voice was comin outa a big horn stuck up on the wall, tellin everyone wha train te catch. But I couldn't understand wha he was sayin.

I stopped an looked aroun me, an got caught up in the crowds pushin forward. Men wit their heads down, suitcases in each arm, slammed inta me, knowin where they had te go an lettin nothin stand in their way. I was sent flyin an landed on the sacks of mail sittin on the trolley. ‘Ye culchie bastard!' I screamed in pain, hurtin me head an back. A pair of hands lifted me up an put me standin on me feet.

‘Are you all right, little hen?' I looked up inta a pair of blue eyes lookin down at me from under a striped hat.

‘Yeah! Thanks, Mister,' I croaked, still feelin shaky. ‘Is tha the train fer London?' I asked, pointin at a train in front of me. He said nothin but looked hard at me face.

‘By gum! You've been through the wars! Where'd ye get that shiner?' An he put his hand on me face just under me eye. It was sore. I said nothin, an he stood up an looked aroun me. ‘Wait here! I'll not be long,' an he was gone.

I waited an thought te meself, I must have a black eye. Now I really am a holy show. What am I goin te do? Everyone will be lookin at me. He came rushin back wit a policeman wearin a big tall hat an a strap under his chin. Me heart lurched. Ah, Gawd, I'm done fer! I looked at the train an made a shufflin run fer it. But the policeman made two big steps an had me by the arm. ‘Easy now! Thanks, son! I'll take care of her.'

An he hesimitated an looked at me. ‘Don't worry, me little flower, you'll be all right!' I looked up inta his face, an his eyes were very kind. An I knew he was a lovely soft kind man who liked childre. An then he turned an rushed off te collect his sacks a mail. An I wanted te stay wit him, but I was only a stranger, an now he was gone.

‘Come on! Come with me!' I walked beside the policeman, wonderin what I could do te escape. ‘What's your name?' he asked, lookin down an smilin at me. I said nothin fer a minute, wonderin if I should give him me real name. Wha's the point, they find out anyway. I got caught often enough in Dublin fer robbin the butter.

‘Martha,' I said, feelin me heart in me belly an wonderin wha was goin te happen te me. Jackser definitely won't take me back. He only bought me a one-way ticket, an if they send me back there, I'm dead.