Lysistrata (9 page)

“N
AUSICA
,”
SAID
L
YSISTRATA
, “you have been inspirational and indispensable from the start, and I wish to commend you.”

“I seem to have a particular knack for military affairs,” said Nausica, “and that’s the truth.”

“I understand that the old men were thrown into confusion and disorder without delay. You have certainly acquitted yourself nobly, there’s no mistake about that. Do you anticipate still another attack?”

“No, I don’t, though we shall be prepared in any event. They were utterly routed and demoralized, and I consider it unlikely that they will venture again to accomplish what we have plainly demonstrated to be impossible. Oh, they were perfectly ludicrous, to tell the truth, and you would have laughed to see them coming up the hill with their chitons flapping around their spindly shanks. They waved their silly faggots and made threats against our backsides.”

“Truly? I know that I would have been greatly amused, and I regret that I was compelled to miss it by being otherwise engaged.”

“Well, I regret it, too, for you will certainly not believe me when I tell you who was in the forefront of the attackers.”

“According to my report, they were led by Draces.”

“That’s true. Draces was the leader, but at his side, obviously under some kind of compulsion, was no one but Cadmus.”

“Are you actually telling the truth? Cadmus beside Draces? That’s quite enough to make me laugh even in the telling, Nausica. I would have sworn that Cadmus was not the type to participate in anything that involved the slightest peril.”

“So he isn’t. But he was plainly present under some kind of compulsion. It would have been disgusting, if not so comical, to see how he behaved. It is no exaggeration to say that he was as white as your peplos, and he was shaking so that his teeth must have rattled like tambourines, if only it had been possible to hear them above the general confusion. Cadmus is a good provider and for the most part satisfactory as a husband, but he does not make a favorable impression under stress, and I am the first to admit it. In my opinion, he was sneaking about the outskirts and was detected and forced to do his share.”

“You threshed him soundly with your stick, of course.”

“I was unable to do it, as a matter of fact, for he miraculously disappeared in the thick of things. I have been puzzling about it ever since, and I can’t understand for the life of me how he accomplished it. First he was there, and then he simply wasn’t.”

Lysistrata, who was about to comment on this mystery, closed her mouth without speaking and stood staring intently over Nausica’s shoulder.

“Here are Calonice and Myrrhine coming in a hurry,” she said, “and it is apparent that something has occurred which requires my attention.”

Nausica turned and looked in the direction indicated by Lysistrata’s gaze.

“Yes,” she said. “They seem quite excited, for a fact, but this does not necessarily mean, in respect to Calonice and Myrrhine, that they have anything particularly significant on their minds.”

“True,” said Lysistrata. “But there is no use speculating, for we shall know at once. Calonice, whatever has prompted you and Myrrhine to come rushing at us in this alarming fashion?”

Calonice and Myrrhine, clearly convinced that they were bearing important news, however it might be evaluated in the end by Lysistrata, stopped and gasped and struggled to speak, and Calonice managed it first.

“There is a Magistrate at the gate,” Calonice said, “who demands admission.”

“Does he, indeed? And you admitted him without delay, naturally, and gave him every consideration.”

“To be truthful, I didn’t. Should I have? I was definitely under the impression, Lysistrata, that no man was to be admitted.”

“Oh, well, Calonice, I suppose it is futile to expect you to grasp the subtleties of irony. You were quite right in not admitting him.”

“I’m relieved to hear it, for we shut the gate in his face and called him names.”

“Good. What was his reaction to that?”

“He has with him a force of absolutely gigantic Scythians, and he is calling upon them to break down the gate.”

“The worse luck for them if they do. If they come inside the walls we shall certainly flay them properly with our sticks.”

“As for me,” said Nausica, “I had as soon beat a Scythian as an Athenian, and I might even prefer it, since they are not citizens.”

“Did he state his business?” said Lysistrata. “What does this Magistrate want?”

“He says he has a draft upon the treasury for drachmas with which to purchase oars.”

“This is more of the foolishness of war. No drafts upon the treasury are being honored. Did you tell him that?”

“Yes, I did. He then flew into such a rage that I thought he would drop of apoplexy, and I hurried here with Myrrhine, as you see, to relate the incident. No doubt he is urging his Scythians upon the gate at this moment, and you had better go there quickly if you wish to stop him.”

“Oh, we’ll stop him, all right. Nausica, you must come and lend me your support. Calonice, you and Myrrhine must come also. We shall certainly send this Magistrate and his ridiculous Scythians packing with their ears full.”

They started for the gate in a group, Calonice a little in advance in her assumed role of guide, though everyone knew the way perfectly well, and as they approached, the banging and clamor outside grew steadily louder.

“Nausica,” said Lysistrata, “this Magistrate has obviously prevailed upon his Scythians to assault the gate. Since your lungs are superior to mine, please tell them to draw back in order that we may go out to confront them.”

“Leave it to me,” said Nausica. “I shall put a proper fright into them, never fear.”

Moving up against the gate, she put her mouth close to the crack between the gate and the wall and began to shout in a loud voice that was truly remarkable in respect to volume.

“Step back, you scoundrels! If you do not retreat ten steps immediately, we will scald you thoroughly with boiling water that has been brought to the gate for the purpose.”

The Scythians, who were familiar with the fate of the old men, wasted no time in doing as they were told. The Magistrate, delaying only long enough to display sufficient additional defiance to do honor to his position, followed their example. After a few moments of comparative quiet, the gate opened enough to permit Lysistrata, followed by Nausica and Calonice and Myrrhine in that order, to slip out.

“Now,” said Lysistrata fiercely, “please explain this disturbance, if you don’t mind.”

“Well,” said the Magistrate in a high voice, “you are certainly either mad or the most brazen woman who ever lived. Disturbance, indeed! You have invaded the Acropolis, seized the treasury, beaten off the keepers, incited rebellion among the women of Athens, and you have the effrontery to accuse me, a Magistrate in the execution of his duty, of creating a disturbance! Scythians, seize this wicked slut and bind her with stout cords!”

“If I am touched by a single Scythian,” said Lysistrata, “you will be sorry.”

“We will throw you down and trample on your belly,” said Myrrhine.

Said Nausica, “I’ll snatch every Scythian present as bald as stones.”

“I’ll not tolerate this!” cried the Magistrate. “Scythians, if you do not wish to be butchered like sheep, you will fulfill the obligations of your office this moment, which is to seize and bind these insolent rebels.”

The Scythians, threatened from both sides, moved forward with apparent reluctance. Nausica, measuring the distance with precision, leaped forward with her stick and gave the nearest of them a whack on the skull that sent him sprawling headlong. Lysistrata, closing with the next, brought up a knee into his groin and then jerked him about by the hair when he doubled over and clutched himself and danced in agony. Calonice and Myrrhine, while not actually contributing anything in physical combat, emitted such shrill and horrifying screams that the other Scythians, a pair of them, retreated precipitately to a point behind the Magistrate.

“This,” said the Magistrate furiously, “is for a certainty the nadir of Athenian history. If I did not know better by virtue of common sense, I’d swear that I just saw four great, hulking Scythians utterly routed by as many spitting women, two by blows and kicks and two by nothing more than horrific shrieks.”

“Since you are in doubt of what you saw,” said Lysistrata, “perhaps you would care to step forward and be convinced by means of a personal demonstration.”

“Lysistrata, wife of Lycon, you are on perilous ground when you presume to threaten a Magistrate! I demand as a duly constituted official that you clarify your position in this treasonous action. Why do you bar the gates of the Acropolis?”

“That’s simply answered. So that we may make ourselves and the treasury unavailable to idiots.”

“Idiots! Did you say idiots?”

“Being kind by nature and inclined in all cases to generosity, I did.”

“Oh, I see now what’s truly at the bottom of your activity. You are completely mad, that’s what, and have exploited these foolish women for your own ends with a craftiness that everyone knows is frequently a quality of madness. Tell me, you mad bitch, what do you hope to gain? Is it power? Position? Or do you merely want to make a spectacle of yourself for the sake of your insatiable vanity?”

“None of these, old idiot. My motive is unimpeachable, which is more than can be said for you in your petty public duties, I’m sure, for I’ve no doubt that one drachma drops into your pocket for every two you spend for supplies. I want the end of the war, as do all the women of Athens.”

“And how, if I am not impertinent in asking, do you propose to achieve that which has eluded the greatest of Athenian statesmen since Pericles?”

“I have already made our position clear, I think, but I’m happy to repeat myself for your sake, since you are obviously old and somewhat senile and no longer have full control of your wits. We will administer the treasury as we administer household accounts, sensibly and for good purposes, which eliminates at once such things as your silly oars and all other items intended to supply the needs of war. In the meanwhile, until peace is secured, we have resolved to accommodate no man. This latter position would be ineffective with the likes of you, of course, considering the deficiency that is part of your age, but it is certain, nevertheless, to influence those who still have the sap running in them.”

“Well, I can see that insanity does not necessarily preclude a sense of humor. You are really very funny, I must admit, and I’d have a good laugh if it weren’t that your foolishness is certain to have unfortunate consequences.”

“You are quite free to laugh if you choose. You are an old man, which is the same as saying an old idiot, and it is expected, therefore, that you will see nothing plausible in behaving with good sense. In self-defense, in order to sustain the fable of their superiority, men insist that we women restrict ourselves to the supervision of housekeeping and the assumption of interesting positions for our husbands after they have, with their friends, become inflamed with wine and loud discussions of nonsense. If we ask about public affairs, we are told not to concern ourselves. If we venture an opinion, we are told not to be presumptuous. Meanwhile, as Athens groans and staggers under the endless burdens of war, Sparta beating us at every turn, men continue to swagger in the marketplace with shields and swords and lances, as if they had gathered to assault the lentils. It seems, in fact, that they must surely lie awake nights thinking up ways of displaying their silly conceits. This is truly intelligent behavior!”

“Woman, have a care! Are you honestly prepared to mock the heroes of Athens?”

“Heroes, indeed! If these are heroes, we are sick of them. They are forever dashing off here and there in a great pother to make Greek widows and orphans for no good reason, and in the meanwhile we are forced to lie in beds that are half empty.”

All the time Lysistrata was talking, the Magistrate was clearly becoming more and more agitated, and by the time she had finished, he was dancing up and down in one place in a perfect frenzy of rage.

“I will not listen to another word!” he cried. “I tell you that I am determined to have, without further foolishness, the drachmas necessary for the purchase of oars, and I warn you that I am becoming so furious that I have a feeling of being on fire.”

“Well,” said Lysistrata, “we cannot favor you by honoring your draft for drachmas, but at least I can do you the service of putting out your fire.”

Saying this, she picked up a pot of water and threw the contents on the Magistrate. Turning then, she went back through the gate, followed by Nausica and Calonice and Myrrhine. The Magistrate, dancing and cursing with marvelous agility and malevolence, urged his Scythians to the bloodiest of massacres, but the Scythians didn’t seem to have the heart for it.

S
MOOTHLY, SWIFTLY
, softly as a shadow, Theoris glided on bare feet across the courtyard past the statue of Hestia to the entrance to the kitchen. It was very dark inside the kitchen, but she moved with assurance, having carefully committed to memory the positions of all possible impediments. She was, therefore, as much startled as injured, though she barked a shin fearfully, when she stumbled over a low bench and fell sprawling to the floor. Before she could raise herself, she was seized roughly by a huge paw and hauled to her feet.

“So you are a thief, as well as a tease and a liar,” the cook said. “It is apparent that you have absolutely no character at all.”

She called him a dirty name, and he guffawed.

“Also,” he said, “you have a foul mouth. In spite of your ridiculous pretensions, you are clearly no better than you have to be. I am greatly tempted to demonstrate what is quite likely to happen to ignorant wenches with flippant behinds who sneak into the cook’s kitchen in the middle of the night to steal wine.”

“If you molest me in the slightest, you lewd ruffian,” she said, “you will surely come to a worse end than has been predicted even for you.”

“My, what a brave-talking, lying, teasing, thieving slut you are! There is absolutely no limit to your gall. By laying a clever ambush, I catch you slinking barefooted and half-naked into the kitchen at night to steal wine, and you are actually capable of threatening me for finding you out!”

“It is only your opinion that I came here to steal wine. You have no proof whatever. If you were half so clever as you think you are, you would have brought a witness and waited until I was in possession of your precious wine. As it is, if you accuse me, I shall be compelled to say that you are only trying to play me a dirty trick because I refused to submit to your naughty propositions.”

“Wait a minute! This won’t do at all. Do you think I’m so stupid that I’ve been unaware that the wine has been disappearing at an unwarranted rate ever since the Mistress left? You have been stealing it, all right, you little thief, and I am also of the opinion that you have been taking liberties with the Mistress’s things, and have, in fact, been sleeping in her bed.”

“Really? I’m surprised that a lout like you is capable of forming an opinion. And what, I would like to know, makes you think that I’ve been sleeping in the Mistress’s bed? Have you possibly been prowling past the door at night, where you have absolutely no business, in hopes of seeing something that would excite your base nature? I believe, now that you have practically confessed it, that I shall tell the Mistress what you have been up to. You will certainly be skinned alive at the very least.”

“I think not. Not after I have reported that you stole wine, got drunk, and used the Mistress’s bed for your evening’s activity.”

This was said with such assurance that Theoris hesitated before replying. Staring up through darkness at the cook’s face, she wished greatly that there was a light so that she could study his expression. He was such an accomplished liar that she could not be certain from the timbre of his voice whether he was bluffing or speaking truthfully for a change. At any rate, it might be well to proceed with a little caution before alienating him entirely.

“What a wickedly slanderous fellow you are! You have no respect whatever for one’s reputation, do you? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

“Should I? Please tell me why I should show any more respect for your reputation than you show yourself. The truth is, as I have stated several times, you are a liar, a thief, a tippler and a fornicator, and there is nothing slanderous in speaking the truth. If you do not wish to be called such names, you should quit giving cause.”

Seeing that he was so assured and so emphatic, she decided that it might be wise to maneuver the conversation into another direction. She had, of course, been helping herself to the wine, and she was inclined to believe, moreover, that the unpredictable fellow had actually ventured to peep in at the door of the Mistress’s room at an unfortunate time.

“Please let go of my arm,” she said. “You are hurting me with your great horny claw, and I am certain to be black and blue in the morning. Do you wish to give me evidence to prove to the Mistress that you attacked me physically?”

“You have worn out that threat of telling the Mistress this or that, my little fraud. I tell you finally that I am not at all concerned about your telling the Mistress anything whatever.”

“No? Do you believe that she would accept your word over mine in respect to any difference? I warn you that I am held in high esteem by the Mistress.”

“That makes absolutely no difference, so far as I can see, for the Mistress is obviously never coming back.”

“Not coming back! Besides being ugly and vulgar and slanderous, you now demonstrate that you are a fool as well. Why shouldn’t the Mistress come back?”

“If you weren’t twice the fool you accuse me of being, you would see that she has destroyed herself by organizing this wild rebellion of wives.”

“On the contrary, it is quite successful. She is secure and indomitable in the Acropolis and has been so now for three weeks.”

“Do you actually expect the men of Athens to submit to such pressure?”

“Certainly. Of Athens and Corinth and Sparta and Boeotia and all the rest. The news is abroad for all but stupid fellows like you to hear. Being deprived of accommodation throughout the peninsula, the erstwhile valiant warriors are all in heat and groaning for peace.”

“You are a pretentious little slut, I must say. If one did not know in advance that you are an inveterate liar, one might be impressed. How would an ignoramus like you know what is going on throughout the peninsula?”

“I am not by any means so ignorant as it pleases you to imagine. I make a point of keeping up on current affairs.”

“Oh, certainly, certainly! I’m sure that you are constantly in touch with the most important and best informed people in Athens.”

“You may be as sarcastic as you like, but there are ways of learning things if one only has ears and brains. Although you are generously equipped with the former, it is unfortunate that you are deficient in the latter.”

“I beg your tolerance, you remarkable wench, I really do. You must be patient with underprivileged fellows like me, who are so busy becoming recognized masters of their trades that they have no time to peep into bed-chambers and pick up gossip in the slave quarters, and hardly have time, in fact, to trap pretty thieves in the kitchen at night.”

“I am quite willing to be patient, and even amicable, if you will only make an effort to be a little less offensive. Do you concede that I am pretty?”

“Do you concede that you are a thief?”

“Being a woman, I would consider the concessions a fair exchange.”

“In that case, I must be fair and admit that you are pretty. But that we are amicable, and since I deprived you of your wine by preventing your stealing it, I might be prevailed upon to share a bowl with you. What do you think of that?”

“I think it is exceedingly generous, which I am happy to admit in our new amiable relationship, and I accept on one condition.”

“What condition?”

“Well, I am inclined to relax excessively under the influence of wine, and you must promise to behave properly for both of us.”

“I’m not sure that I can make such a promise in good faith, for I have the same inclination that you have. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, however. I promise to repent for both of us afterward, if necessary, which will relieve you of any discomfort in the matter whatever.”

“You are truly being amiable,” she said, “and I accept the condition as being satisfactory.”