Lust (23 page)

I could feel my anger begin to boil over. I was on top of the world when I walked into the restaurant, and now all I wanted to do was start flipping tables over and screaming at Krista about how wrong she was. But I had to keep my composure if I wanted to prove her wrong. “The panic attacks were because of the heat. Not her. She only happened to be there when they hit. I drank that much because my own demons were getting to me—hence the dead father. It had nothing to do with her. In fact, she wasn’t even there. I called her and she took a cab to get to me. You don’t know her. You don’t know me.”

“I do know you. You’re my—”

“No, you don’t. You know what I went through but that’s it. You don’t know who I am now or the struggles I deal with currently. You’re normal. Normal people don’t understand fucked up people. That’s why I could never be with someone normal. I would never want to be. I don’t even want to be with a fucked up person. But I want to be with Ivy. That should be enough for you.” I sat back just as the waiter brought out our food. I stared at my plate, no longer hungry, and contemplating leaving.

“I’m only worried about you, Cade. That’s it. You’re telling me about how your life is unraveling and she’s putting it back together. Yet, I see her as being the one that caused it to unravel in the first place. From where I’m standing, she seems like poison.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and it earned a confused look from my cousin. “Well, that would be fitting, wouldn’t it? Poison Ivy. But what if she’s not poisonous to me? What if she’s poisonous to the cancer inside of me? You don’t even know her or what she’s been through and you’re already judging her and me. She doesn’t judge me. I don’t judge her. How can that possibly be wrong? And I’m not even going to pretend that I know anything about relationships because I don’t. The only thought I’ve ever had on the subject is that it’s destructive. But I do know how I feel. I know how she makes me feel, and I can’t walk away from it.”

Krista was quiet as she sat across from me; her expression had gone soft.

“Why can’t that be enough?”

Her shoulders lifted to her chin and then dropped as a sigh escaped her lips. “Sounds like enough to me. I just worry about you. I know you’re a year older than I am and not a kid anymore, but when it comes to relationships, you kind of are still. You’ve never been in one—or anything resembling one. I just worry about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I’ve seen the pain in your eyes for as long as I can remember, and I don’t even want to think about what will happen if you’re dealt any more.”

“I appreciate it, Krista. I really do. But for the first time in my life, I feel okay. I feel better than okay, and I have to believe Ivy has something to do with it.”

“Now, tell me the truth; why are you changing gears at work?”

I paused to give thought to her question. I didn’t need to think about my answer, but I did need to contemplate how to word it for her. I took in a deep breath and answered the best way I knew how. “I started my practice as a way to give people an opportunity to have a healthy relationship if that’s what they wanted. Sex is a big reason why relationships fail. But now I just want to give the relationships a chance to work. I chose sex as my profession because of my parents. But what if I could do better by treating the couple versus the individual? What would have happened if my parents had gone to therapy?”

That was mostly the truth. A really big part of it anyway. But the other part was that I had no interest in seeing another woman naked. I didn’t care to talk sex with anyone or walk them through masturbation. I certainly wasn’t interested in taking anyone else to the backroom and working things out there. All I needed was Ivy, no one else. But I couldn’t tell Krista those reasons. She would turn it into something bad. Even though there was nothing bad about a man wanting to stay faithful to his woman. But she would make it sound as if Ivy was affecting my career.

“I’m really proud of you, Cade. I can’t say I’ve always understood why you chose the career path of fucking women in order for them to lead healthy lives, but I’ve always supported it. And now I can say I not only understand, but I support you as well. If this Ivy person is responsible, then I guess I can give her a chance, too.” Her words were soft and meaningful. She meant every one of them, and it set a sense of peace within me.

Everything felt strangely new.

And everything was falling into place.

*****

After lunch, I decided to head over to Ivy’s apartment. I had spent all morning in my office and didn’t care to be there any longer. After my talk with my cousin about my feelings for Ivy, I found that all I wanted to do was be with Ivy. I knew she was probably sleeping, but I didn’t care. I would curl up behind her and fall asleep in her tiny bed with her.

Weeks ago, that idea would’ve had me freaking out, but I wasn’t. I was eerily calm yet excited about the idea of sleeping next to her. After the night before, sleeping with her in my arms, I couldn’t imagine being in bed alone ever again. One night sharing a bed with Ivy and I was ruined, completely addicted to the way she felt in my arms. I was a changed man. And I was happy for the first time in twenty-six years.

I knocked on her door and then tried the handle, but it was locked. I was happy she was safe, but felt guilty for waking her up if she was sleeping. She didn’t come right away so I knocked again, a little harder this time. My chest tightened the longer I was left standing outside her closed door without her answering. I knocked again, frantic, but she still didn’t answer. So I decided to call her.

I could hear her phone ringing through the door, and then it went quiet but still rang in my ear. I knew she was inside. I tried knocking once more, hoping she just hadn’t heard it and the phone had woken her up. But still, there was nothing.

“Ivy, I know you’re in there. It’s me. Please open the door,” I shouted between knocks.

Finally, the door opened, but only slightly. Ivy stood in the crack and she looked exhausted, but she didn’t look as though she’d been asleep. Paranoia invaded me at the thought of her ignoring me. I knew something was off with her that morning, but she said it was because she was tired. Why would she ignore me? What happened?

“What’s going on, Ivy? What’s wrong?” I asked, completely panicked.

She shook her head slowly. “Why are you here?” Her voice was sad.

I couldn’t answer her because I hadn’t expected her to ask me that. Why was I there? Did I have to have a reason to show up at my girl’s place? Did I have to have an excuse to see her? “What’s going on? Talk to me. And don’t tell me it’s because you’re tired,” I pressed in a harsh and hurt tone.

“I just need to be alone right now. I have to think about things.”

“What things? What do you need to think about?”

“Us,” she whispered through the crack in the door and it silenced everything around me.

My heart stopped beating and fell into the pit of my stomach. My nostrils stung as if I was about to cry, but there were no tears, just emotions I was unfamiliar with. Fear? Worry? I didn’t know. I only knew I didn’t like what she was saying or how she was saying it.

“No. If it’s about us, then it involves me. And I have a right to know what it is. I have a right to be included in this. You need to talk to me so I know what’s going on,” I argued desperately.

A tear slipped over her lashes and fell down her cheek as she looked to the floor between us.

“Ivy,” I sighed, reaching out to her.

She backed away and I used it as an excuse to push the door open more. Her foot stopped it from opening too far and her body kept me from walking in, but I didn’t back down. I wasn’t about to let her push me out of her life. She could try, but I was stronger, and I would win.

“I just don’t think this is going to work,” she confessed in a teary voice, breaking me down so far I felt myself literally crumbling in front of her. Her eyes were sad, her voice was weak, and her posture resembled defeat. It was apparent that she didn’t mean what she was saying, and that was the only light of hope in the darkness that swirled around us.

“No. I will not let you end things without talking to me about it. I won’t let you walk away from what we have without telling me why.” Hell, I wouldn’t let her walk away even if she did tell me. “If you don’t want to let me inside, fine, but you’re going to tell me what’s going on,” I demanded in a harsh voice with my body filling the space between the door and the frame.

More tears began to leak from her eyes, but she never lifted them up to meet mine. She kept them down with her chin to her chest. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and grab her chin, making her look at me, but I didn’t dare chance pushing her away even more.

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean?” I asked incredulously. “What about last night? What was that? How the fuck did we go from that to this? That’s why I’m confused here, Ivy. That’s why I don’t understand what’s going on. Everything was perfect—beyond perfect—and now this? You have to give me something here. I know you felt what I did.”

There was silence, deafening silence, as I waited for her to say something. I didn’t care what she told me as long as it was something. I could work with anything other than silence, but that was all she was giving me and I didn’t think I could handle it. I almost spoke again but she beat me to it.

“You didn’t pull out.” It was barely a whisper and I wasn’t sure I had heard her right.

I had tried to stay calm over that fact when I realized it the night before. I would be lying if I said it didn’t worry me, but I also felt that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. I fell asleep with her in my arms as I convinced myself of that. Had she been lying there thinking of the same thing only opposite? There was no sense in freaking out about it now and I had to make her see that.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen,” I said, trying to soothe her. It was the truth—I hadn’t meant for it to happen. But I also didn’t fully regret it, either.

“Do you have sex without protection often?” The worry in her voice was evident and it suddenly became clear to me. I was able to keep calm over the entire situation because I knew where I had been and that I was okay; she didn’t know any of that. I also trusted that she remained safe during the two times she’d had sex before me. So I was able to stay rational while she was left to worry about it to herself.

I shook my head but felt as though she needed a better response. “I only go without it with one person, and we have an understanding. I pull out and if we have unprotected sex with anyone else, we have to be honest and get tested. But it’s never happened before. I get tested on a regular basis because of work—in the event something happens—but I’m clean. I swear. I was just tested a month ago.”

I thought that would calm her down, but it didn’t seem to be working. She looked just as worried and upset as she did before I went into my elaborate explanation. I wanted to know the root of the problem in order to make it right; I knew it wasn’t simply because I didn’t pull out.

“Listen, Ivy, you came into my room last night. You came onto me and started it. You knew I wasn’t wearing a condom.” I wasn’t trying to put the blame on her; it was both of our faults, but I wouldn’t sit back and let her walk away from me because of something we both let slip by.

“I know!” she yelled, choking back a sob. “But you hadn’t used one that first night so I didn’t think about it. I thought you would pull out. I was stupid. I
am
stupid. And now I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“We’ve been a little wrapped up in things and forgot to protect ourselves, but it’s fine, Ivy. I’m clean; I’m assuming you’re clean, right? And we’ll be fine. We’ll just be a little more cautious about it in the future. That’s all. No need to freak out and end things.”

“But I could’ve gotten pregnant,” she argued quietly with her eyes downcast.

“Yes, that’s a possibility, but it’s nothing to worry about right now. There’s nothing we can do about it if you are, and there’s no sense in worrying about it until we know for sure. Why end things just because of a small possibility?”

“
Small
possibility?” she repeated in disbelief. “Anytime that happens in my books, they end up pregnant. Look at all of the one-night stands that end in unwanted pregnancies. I think it’s more than a
small
possibility, Cade. And I have a right to be concerned about it.”

I wanted to laugh, but I knew how she’d take it. The last thing I wanted to do was make her think I was laughing at her so I controlled my facial expression and continued. “Your books are fiction. They are written for entertainment purposes. I know some people read them and think they’re about real people or real events, but they’re not. They are nothing more than the written words of someone’s imagination—”

“I know that, Cade!”

“So then you know that you can’t base what is going on with us on what’s happened in books!” I couldn’t contain my frustration any longer. I knew she had an element of immaturity due to her childhood, but I couldn’t sit back and let that decide for her. “Not all billionaires are hot—look at Warren Buffett. And not all guys with kinky fetishes that like to whip women are like that guy in that one book. Not everyone has ripped muscles and tiny bodies; those people are created for the fantasy. So don’t compare us to books. This is our life, Ivy. And if you’re pregnant, then we’ll deal with it. If you’re not, then you’re not. Why obsess about it now and make decisions that could affect both our lives before we even know anything?” I was loud, in her face, and not showing an ounce of calm. I couldn’t. I was frantically trying to hold onto her.

Her voice was soft and meek as she responded, placing a hand on my chest and pushing me away. “It’s no one’s fault. We were both irresponsible. But I think that just proves why we would be no good together. We’re reckless and thoughtless. We’re broken and damaged. Your world revolves around sex and mine has taught me to fear it. We’ve been too wrapped up in the drama that has encircled us and we’ve let it blind our judgments.”

With each slight shove into my chest, I couldn’t help but to take a step back until I was completely out of the doorway. But I wasn’t ready to give up that easily. I would fight as long as I had it in me to do so. But I wasn’t sure how long that would be for since the pain radiating through my chest had me feeling weak and despondent.

“Don’t give up just yet, Ivy.
Please
. We can figure this thing out. Neither one of us has ever been in relationships before and it’s going to take us some time to get it right. Give us that time. That’s all I’m asking for, Ivy. Time. Let me prove to you that you’re wrong about us.” I had never sounded so desperate before in my life.

She shook her head and looked me dead in the eyes, her insecurities gone and replaced with determination. It just wasn’t the same determination that had filled me at the beginning of this argument. “Cade, tell me the truth… if I did get pregnant, what would you do?”

My head spun with her question. “I don’t know.” I hadn’t thought about it other than things would be okay. I didn’t spend too much time wondering what I would do, only how I would feel about it. Wasn’t that the most important aspect of it, anyway?

Her lips tightened as she nodded once. “I’ll tell you what you’d do, and I know this because you’ve already told me the answer once a while ago. You would live in your house and I’d live here. We’d share the baby because, as you’ve said, being a father isn’t what you’re against. You’re against living under the same roof as the mother simply because the child exists. I want to be married some day and you don’t. But I don’t want to get married only because I was reckless and thoughtless and wound up pregnant because we were both so deep in the depths of our darkness that we made a mistake. I want to find a man that loves me for me and
then
start a family when the time is right and we’ve both planned it. You can’t give me any of that, Cade. You’ve said so yourself. It was stupid of me to get into this knowing all of that.”

I had no words. Everything she said had been true. And I couldn’t argue my own words. All I could do was stand there as she closed the door in my face. Regret, anger, and an intense, burning pain flooded me, escaping from my eyes. I hadn’t even realized it until I turned around and noticed the fuzzy starbursts around everything. I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt that burning sensation behind my eyes and experienced the warm trails of salt that raced down my face.

Maybe Ivy was right. Maybe my cousin had been right. Maybe I had been wrong the entire time. She couldn’t save me. She could only break me open, take what she needed, and then leave me empty and in pieces—much like a child’s piggy bank.

Confusion swept over me as I made my way to my car in the parking lot and absent-mindedly drove myself home. Thoughts flooded my mind in the quietness of the car. Ivy did that. Because of her, I was able to sit in the still, silent air and not hear the screams, the ringing, and the deep, angry shouts. Instead, my mind was filled with thoughts of pain, anguish, heartache unlike any I ever thought was possible, and
her
. How could she be so wrong for me when she was the only one to successfully silence the cries? It didn’t make any sense to me. Nothing did anymore.

I pulled into my driveway in a fog, questioning every little thing that had happened over the last month. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even remember turning the car off or stepping out of it. I didn’t remember walking to the front door until I was standing in front of it. I had done the same thing one week earlier after I left Ivy in her bed. And just like that night, all I wanted to do was step inside and drown everything out with liquid. Except this time, I wouldn’t be drowning out the voices, I would be drowning out the intense pain I felt so deep inside. I needed it to go away. I needed to numb the ache in my chest until I could pass out without the realization that Ivy wasn’t next to me.

Tires screeched on my driveway and I spun around. My heart pounded heavily in my chest at the thought of it being Ivy. It was a ridiculous thought since there was no way she could have called for a cab and made it there just after I did, but that was what Ivy had done to me. She left me feeling hopeful, even when it was nothing more than wishful thinking.

Alyssa’s car pulled in quickly and she stepped out. I turned back to my door, landing the side of my fist on the glass pane. I thought it would shatter by the sheer force in which it landed, but luckily, it didn’t. Instead, it rattled and left my already beaten hand throbbing.

“Cade!” she yelled from behind me, her footsteps growing closer.

“I’m not in the mood, Alyssa.” I hadn’t spoken to her since the night she left my house. It was the same night I discussed leaving my practice with her. The same night she told me I was being stupid. I didn’t have time to hear her gloat over that fact.

“Cade, I heard—” Her words stopped on her tongue as I turned to face her. She took one look at me and gasped, stopping dead in her tracks and covering her face with a freshly manicured hand. It took her about five seconds before the shock settled and she began to run toward me, throwing her arms around my waist. “What in the hell happened?”

I had to think about what she was asking me. I knew my hands had looked like I had been in a bar fight, but I knew my face didn’t. I had no idea what she was talking about. I may not have remembered much of my drive home, but I knew I didn’t black out and do something stupid.

“Alyssa,” I whispered, keeping my hands at my sides instead of wrapping them around her.

She pulled back and took another look at my face. Her hands came up and cupped my cheeks. “You look like shit. What the hell happened to you? I heard about your decision to leave you practice, but I never thought it was this bad.”

“What are you talking about? I haven’t shaved in a week, so what?”

Her eyes narrowed on me. “Is that how we’re going to play it? The last two times we were together, you were able to open up to me; heaven forbid I thought that was a trend. Are we back to you keeping everything bottled up inside again and leaving me to believe you’re a man that has it all together? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Cade; your face tells a different story. Your eyes are red and puffy, which tells me you’ve been crying. And since I’ve never thought of you as a man that has ever cried in his life… I don’t believe you when you say you’re fine.”

“It’s nothing,” I said with my back to her as I shoved my key into the door and opened it.

Alyssa pushed in behind me, closing the door without ever taking her eyes off mine. Her expression was hard, sharp, stern, yet her posture and steps seemed compassionate and worrisome. I kept walking backward until I reached the couch in the formal living room, the same one I had bent Alyssa over more times than I could remember because of my fear of the bed. Yet sitting with her then, all I could think about was how I was able to be with Ivy in ways I had never been able to be with anyone else, how she was able to be with me the same way. And how I had lost the chance to ever do it again.