Lust (16 page)

Her eyes went to the floor between our feet and she nodded meekly, like I had just scolded her. “I felt you… tonight. When we were dancing and when we were in your office. I just thought that maybe I was having an effect on you, too.” Her voice was so low I had to focus on every word just to make sure I heard them correctly. “Never mind,” she said, shaking her head and pushing away from the wall. Her eyes never left the floor.

I stepped forward and pushed into her, making sure she could feel me on her thigh. “That is one of the effects you have on me,” I ground out into her ear, feeling her breathing come to a halt. “Trust me when I tell you that you will have no problem finding a man to let you touch him.” I pressed my hips further into her thigh and curled my body around hers more until she was literally consumed by me. “God, why couldn’t I have met you in a different way?” I wasn’t asking her, just throwing my thoughts out into the space to get them out of my head.

Her shoulders shook softly beneath my arms and I backed away a few inches to look down at her. She immediately covered her face with her hands, hiding herself from me again. How could I continue seeing her as a patient if I was having this hard of a time denying her of anything? I didn’t want to deny her, I wanted to give her everything she asked for. I wanted her to take everything she needed in order to be whole again… even if that meant my heart. I’d give it to her in a second. No questions asked.

I pressed my lips to hers, tasting the salt from her tears, and then backed away. Her large eyes remained on mine until my back reached the opposite wall in the small hallway. My heavy breathing and racing heart fought against my impulsivity, trying to warn me against it. They tried to rush oxygen to my brain so that I’d see what I was doing was wrong. But I was past the point of no return. I no longer cared. I saw it. I knew it. It was wrong, but I didn’t care.

“There are lines I can’t cross. I’m a professional and there are rules I have to follow. Our interaction must be productive to your treatment and I have to keep your wellbeing in mind at all times. Allowing you to touch me or to perform any sexual acts on me goes against everything. Allowing you to do such things does not benefit you… it only benefits me,” I started to explain, my voice gruff due to the pressure in my pants.

“Then how can you have sex with us?”

“Because it’s not done for my enjoyment… hell, it’s not even done for your enjoyment. It’s done with the simple purpose of exposing intimacy to you, to show you that you can be in that situation and that you’ve overcome your fears. It’s not done for enjoyment.” I tried to make my words hard and clinical, but it was difficult.

She nodded slightly and said, “I understand.”

“But I don’t really give a fuck about lines right now,” I confessed and watched her eyes go wide.

My fingers worked my button loose and I pulled the fly of my jeans down quickly. I never once took my eyes from hers and she never took hers from mine. Even as I dropped my jeans to my ankles, leaving me in nothing but my heavily tented boxer briefs, she never stopped looking into my eyes.

“Wait,” she breathed out while holding her finger in the air.

Although I knew that what we were about to do was beyond wrong and went against everything I practiced, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed at the thought that she would stop things now. I knew it was best to pull my pants up and leave, but all I wanted to do was pull my boxers down and come. I was so turned on it probably wouldn’t take me long.

I watched without moving as Ivy walked to the lamp in the corner and turned it off, cloaking the entire room in darkness. My eyes hadn’t adjusted to the sudden change in lighting so I had no idea where she was or what she was doing. I had to listen closely, past the loud beats of my heart for a hint of where she was. I could hear breathing, but I didn’t know if it was hers or mine. And then, I felt her presence next to me. She didn’t touch me or make a sound; I could just
feel
her.

She wasn’t moving and I could tell she was uncomfortable… probably nervous as to what she should do next. I didn’t trust myself to speak; instead, I stuck my thumbs through the elastic band of my boxers and pulled them down to my thighs, causing my dick to spring back and hit me in my stomach. With my back flush with the wall behind me, I waited for her to make a move. I wasn’t going to instruct her on what to do or guide any of it. I was only going to let her set the pace and I’d follow.

I could see Ivy move to the front of me as my eyes became accustomed to the dark. A faint light from the almost full moon came through her window, casting a glow on her as she stood inches away from me. As much as I wanted to see her, I closed my eyes and allowed her to progress when she was ready.

Her fingertips were the first things I felt, lightly touching my face. They made their way to my lips and outlined them with soft, slow movements. The mixture of our panting breaths was the only sound audible in the small room. I couldn’t even hear the normal nighttime sounds from beyond her window. It was just the two of us.

I felt her other hand on my shoulder. She was just holding on to it, probably keeping her feet steady. Her hand didn’t move until the fingers that were tracing my lips made their way down to my chest, and then both hands began to move. Each inch she traveled toward my stomach set my body on fire and caused my dick to pulsate. I could feel it twitch against me the closer she got to it.

And then her hand accidentally brushed the tip. I knew it was by accident by the way she softly gasped and pulled back. But I didn’t move or make a sound. I stood against the wall and let her find her way back to it. I kept telling myself that it was for her. I was doing that because she had asked and seemed to need it. Except, as soon as I felt her hands on my skin, I couldn’t help but feel that it was all for me.

Seconds passed… long, torturous seconds until I opened my eyes again. If she was about to break down, I needed to be there to catch her. But as I opened my eyes and looked at her, she didn’t look like she was about to break down. She looked like she was at war with herself. She had her eyes on my dick with her hands pressed to her chest. I realized then that I had gone too far. I had allowed her to lead me too far. I reached out and grabbed the sides of her face, threading my fingers through her hair and pulling her into me enough so that I could kiss her. I made sure to keep my body away from hers, only pulling her head up and leaning mine down enough to comfort her with my mouth.

I hadn’t expected the moan that came from her throat, nor had I expected her warm hand to wrap around my shaft. I couldn’t help the hiss that passed through my teeth as I pulled my head back and thrust my hips forward into her hand. Nothing had ever felt so good in my life. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t doing anything but holding it. It didn’t matter that her grip was so light it was nothing more than the touch of a feather. It was the most wonderful touch, yet nothing about it should have been sexual. So why was I on the verge of exploding?

With one hand barely holding on to my shaft, Ivy used the other to run a finger over the tip. She felt the pre-come that had gathered there and began to move it around the head. I knew it was all new to her and she was experiencing it for the first time. It made it feel as if I was experiencing it all for the first time as well. I felt like this was the very first time anyone had ever touched me, and maybe it was. Because it felt as if she were touching a hell of a lot more than just my dick. She was touching me… inside, outside, everywhere… filling me with her soft caresses and her light touch.

The more she played with my natural lubrication, the harder it became to breathe. The harder my blood pumped in my veins. And the harder it became to keep my hands to myself. All I wanted was to push her down until I felt her mouth on me, and then push her even further down until I felt the walls of her cunt choke me. I wanted to push her until she broke, until she was so shattered she mirrored my own reflection. That way, I could take the pieces of us and put them back together until there was just one. That’s what I wanted.

“What do I do now?” she whispered.

I swallowed, trying to calm myself enough to speak. “Whatever you want. This is for you.” But that felt like a lie that left my tongue tasting like acid. It was just as much for me as it was for her. I’ve done plenty of things for women, and not once did it leave me this hard, this wanting, or this desperate.

Her grip tightened slightly and she started to pump my cock. My hands itched to grab her hair or thrust my hips into her hand. But I held back, with gritted teeth, and it left me feeling like picking up a heavy-duty truck would have been less exhausting.

To give my hands something to do, I reached out and touched her collarbone, running light strokes on her soft skin. Her head tilted to the side as I followed an invisible trail up her neck and to her jawbone. Once my finger had made its way to her chin, her breathing was shallow and fast, mimicking her hand on my shaft. She leaned forward and placed one of her hands flat on my chest, moving her face into mine until our lips touched. Not once did she stop the wonderfully torturously soft movements on my dick.

So there we stood, my hand on her neck, her hand on my chest, and my dick in her fist. Our tongues were tangled, fighting for power as they moved from my mouth to hers and then back again. Moans roared through both of our chests, deep grunts bubbled up my throat, and soft whimpers escaped her lips.

“Like this?” she asked once her lips broke from mine.

I nodded, unable to speak past the knot in my throat.

Ivy pressed her body into mine more. Her hand remained around my dick, yet now it was pressed between our stomachs and her lips were back on mine. I had never experienced something so intimate, so close and personal. Just the thought of intimacy turned me off. But what Ivy was doing to me had me so turned on I wasn’t sure I ever wanted anything else again. No… I didn’t want any
one
else again. And that thought had me wanting to both run away and come all over her.

I was about to tell her she needed to stop. If she kept doing that, there would be a mess to clean up and I needed her to stop. But before I could say anything, she whispered to my lips something that stole the breath from my lungs.

“I think I want to try it.”

I pushed her back slightly so that I could look at her. “Try what?”

“It. I think I want to see if I can do it.”

That hadn’t cleared anything up for me. What did she mean by “it”? “You have to be more specific, Ivy. I need you to tell me what it is you’re talking about.” Although, I didn’t really need any clarification. Whatever “it” was, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Her forehead fell to my chest as she whispered, “sex,” against my skin in a rush of hot air.

My hands were on her shoulders, and although I knew I needed to push her away, I couldn’t find the strength to do so. I pulled my lips to her ears and said as gently as I could, “I can’t do that, Ivy. Not right now.”

Her hand released my aching dick and she took a step back. “Why not?”

With a deep breath, I settled against the wall and fought my need to go after her. I knew that if I went to her, I would give in. And then not only would I have crossed a line I swore I’d never cross, I’d be so far on the other side I wouldn’t be able to get back over.

“I have rules, Ivy,” I said, sounding exhausted, yet I wasn’t. I was fighting a fight I probably wouldn’t win. “We’ve been drinking, and I cannot go that far if either one of us has consumed any alcohol. And we’re in your house. I can’t have sex with a client anywhere but my office.”

“I thought you said ‘fuck the rules’?”

“I did. But that’s one I can’t afford to break. If I break that one, I lose my career.” There was more, so much more to lose. But how did I convey that to her when I couldn’t even admit it to myself?

Her face was covered in a dark shadow so I couldn’t see her expression, but I could see her body language. She wrapped her arms around herself as her shoulders curled in. Her head dropped and her small frame shrunk. Her feet carried her back a few steps before she moved quickly into the main room.

I pulled up my boxer briefs and jeans and tried to make my way to her, needing her to understand where I was coming from. But once I took a step, she held out her palm in my direction, halting my movements. With her head still turned away, she begged me to leave and I heard nothing but sadness and rejection in her tone.

All she needed was a little bit of time, I knew that. I didn’t want to give it to her, but I knew she needed it. She needed to sleep off the night, and in the morning, she would come to her senses and realize I was right. I knew it, but that didn’t mean I liked it. I didn’t want to give her time. I didn’t want to walk away from her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to give her everything. I wanted to pull my pants back down and strip her of her clothes, bend her over, and then bury myself inside of her heat until morning.

But I knew I couldn’t do that. I took a few steps backward until my back was against the front door. Her body was curled on the bed and her shoulders were jumping in the dark; shadows bounced off of them, silently confirming what I already knew.

She was crying.

And I was leaving.

The door closed behind me and all I could do was stumble my way down the stairs until I reached my car. My head was in a fog, and as I looked back up to her door, I wasn’t sure how I had gotten so far away from it. I didn’t want to be that far from her. I didn’t want to leave her alone as she cried to herself. I didn’t want her to cry… especially because of me. I wanted to make things right with her. But how the fuck would I do that when I couldn’t even make things right for me?

I stared at the shadowy reflection of myself in the driver side window of my car, created by the light of the moon. That’s how I felt… like a dark outline with nothing defining me. I was created by a misunderstanding, heartache, and tragedy. So was Ivy. But when I was with her, I felt as if I had features. I had a face; I had a heart. She gave me understanding, a heartbeat, and showed me the beauty behind every catastrophe. She gave me a sense of purpose… and yet, I had walked away because of lines that were drawn by others. I left because of a job I wasn’t certain I wanted any longer.

Fuck the lines… fuck the rules.

I looked back up to her door again and stopped thinking. I didn’t need to think any more about what I needed to do. It went beyond what I
wanted
to do. I ran back up the stairs, taking two at a time, and pounded my fist on the door. I wasn’t going to wait for her to open it; I only wanted to give her warning that I was back and coming in. She didn’t have an option. I didn’t give her a choice.

With my heart steadily pounding in my chest, I reached for the knob and turned it, opening the door as I pushed my way in. I walked inside with purpose, and it felt as if it was the only purpose of my existence. The door slammed behind me and I began tracing the walls with my palms, desperately trying to find a light switch. I didn’t need the light to find her. Even if she hadn’t been in the same place next to her bed, curled into a ball and crying, I would have been able to find her. I was drawn to her—even in the darkness—because my darkness sought out hers, and hers searched for mine. I could feel it. And the only thing I could hope for was that once we found ourselves holding on to each other in the murkiness of our existence, a light would spark and heal us both. It was the only hope I had left in me. If I was wrong—no… I couldn’t let myself think of that.

My fingers finally found a switch and I flipped it up. A small light in the corner by her bed came on but my feet refused to move further into the room. Ivy was in exactly the same place as before, huddled on the floor with her legs tucked beneath her. Her shoulders bobbed up and down as she let out muffled cries. I could only stand there and watch her, feeling my chest rip open as my heart fell out in front of me. I had never felt anything like that before. The pain that burned through me was unlike anything I had ever experienced, and it was all because of her.

My feet moved before my brain could even register it. I was on my knees next to her, trying to pull her to me, but she fought me off. My actions as I tried to comfort her were soft and gentle, but my insides were anything but. A panic filled me, a kind of panic I hadn’t felt since I was a kid. It was enough to push through the gentle touches and grab a hold of her as if my life—or hers—depended on it.

“Stop!” she screamed with tears plastering her blond hair to her face. “Just leave!”

“Ivy.” I shook her shoulders once she was facing me. “Look at me.”

Her eyes were open and staring into mine, but she seemed so far away. It was as if my voice wasn’t registering in her ears. I knew that look. Her thoughts were too loud and left her deaf to anything I said. Even when I held her face in my hands and spoke again, her eyes seemed to look through me. She stared at me like I wasn’t there, like I wasn’t speaking to her.

I glanced to my left and noticed the bathroom door. I didn’t think; I only acted.

I picked her up off the floor with her arms and feet flying around me. Her tiny fists pounded on my chest as she tried to fight me, but I wouldn’t relent. I wouldn’t let her go until… Fuck! I was never going to let her go. I couldn’t.

In a single move, I turned on the white light in the small bathroom and turned on the water in the shower. It was a tiny cubicle, only meant for one, but I pushed her in and propped her up against the blue tiled wall. Cold water fell, coating us both with the shock of it. That was the moment the fight in her stilled. But the fight in me raged on.

“Why are you here, Cade? You don’t want me. Why are you here?” she cried as she pressed her forehead against my bare chest and covered her face with her hands.

I grabbed a hold of her wrists and pushed them back to the wall, pinning them on either side of her body. Her head tilted up to look at me and the pain in her eyes swirled with confusion and want. I had never seen a look like that before. I had never experienced so much passion included in one look—one look that had the power to strip me bare, burn me from the inside out, and leave me feeling… alive.

My lips landed on hers without thought. I needed to feel her against me. I needed to feel her warmth run through me. I felt desperate to prove to her just how wrong she was. A deep intake of air through her nose and a slight whimper from her throat had me pulling back slightly. I had to make sure she was in this moment as much as I was. And I needed to make sure, above anything, that she was fully aware of what we were doing. I may have said fuck the lines, but if there was any amount of alcohol clouding her brain, I needed to stop. Because that was the only line I wouldn’t cross, and it had nothing to do with my career and everything to do with her.

“Why do you make it so damn hard to do the right thing?” I asked, nearly out of breath.

“What’s the right thing?” Her voice was practically a whisper that grazed my skin and left a burning trail behind.

“To walk away. To give you other options of therapy. To end this before one of us ends up broken… or worse. But I can’t do that. I can’t walk away from you without feeling like I’ve left part of me behind. I can’t pass you off to someone else, knowing they can’t give you what I can. No matter how many times I contemplate ending this, I can’t. Because I don’t want to end this. I want to
start
this.”

“Start what?”

I shook my head, unable to find the words to answer her question. “I don’t know. I don’t know what
this
is… but whatever it is, I want to start it. With you. I don’t want you to simply be my client because then there would be an end date to us. And I don’t want that.”

Her throat expanded and contracted as she swallowed hard and averted her eyes. “I don’t know what that means, Cade.”

“I don’t either. All I know is that I’ve never understood why people choose to be with only one person when there’s a world full of others. It never made sense to me why anyone would give up their options for one person. But ever since meeting you… there isn’t anyone else. I don’t have a need for other options any longer. There is no one else in this world but you and me.” I couldn’t make sense of the words that were falling out of my mouth. My brain hadn’t sorted through them before I spoke and that was probably because I was speaking straight from my heart. All I knew was the words that passed my lips were the most honest words I had ever spoken and aside from it terrifying me as to how true they were, they liberated me. I felt free once they were out.

“Are… Are you saying you’re… in love with me?” she whispered beneath the spray of water.

“No. Love only ruins things. I’m already ruined. I have no idea what this is that I feel for you, but I can’t call it love. I don’t want you to love me, Ivy. I want you to own me. I want to own you. I want to fix you and break you all at once. I need you and I can’t explain it. Please… don’t ask me to.”

She freed her hands from the wall where I had them pinned and snaked them around my neck. Her fingers twisted through my hair as she pulled my face down to meet hers. The moment her lips landed on mine and opened for me, her pelvis pushed against my leg. I leaned into her, pressing her hard against the tile behind her. I moved my soaked jean-clad thigh between her legs and I began to thrust it into her center. My erection found her soft thigh through the denim and ached to feel her skin. It pulsated with want and need. Her body stilled for a moment before I did it again, making sure to add pressure for the both of us. My hands found their way to the bottom of her tank top and I let the tips of my fingers barely touch the skin on her stomach before sliding them up to her ribcage, taking her wet shirt with it.

Ivy pulled her face away and began to breathe heavily against my chest. I stilled my hands and took my own deep breath, needing to make sure she was with me the entire time. “Do you want me to stop?” The fear in my voice was strong and echoed in the small space. Had I not been so worried about Ivy’s reaction, I would have been embarrassed by my lack of confidence.

“No. I don’t want you to stop. But I’m scared you’re going to. I’m scared you’re going to run away like before. I—”

I reached behind her and grabbed her ass in my hands, hiking her up my body until her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist. Her face was even with mine and she had nowhere to look but in my eyes. The shower was still on and soaking us both, the water falling in droplets from her dark eyelashes and making the red flakes burn with intensity.

“I tried to do the right thing. That’s the only reason I left.”

“What if you decide again to do the right thing?”

I kissed her briefly before pulling away to look at her again. I couldn’t answer her. I was tired of talking. My dick was hard and throbbing against my jeans, knowing there were only a few layers of fabric keeping me from her warmth. I needed to be inside of her. I needed to cross every fucking line that kept me from Ivy Jaymes until those lines were wrapped around us, binding us together.

I turned the water off and carefully stepped out of the shower. The cold water had cooled our bodies until we were both shivering and covered in chills. I needed to be pressed against her, skin-to-skin, in order to heat us both back up. It was the only thing on my mind. I tried to lay her down gently, but her body bounced on the mattress as I released her from my hold. I took a step back to see her dark blond hair, darkened by the shower, spread out around her. Her small chest heaved up and down and it was impossible to miss the two pebbles hiding behind the thin material of her bra.

I kicked my shoes off and unbuttoned my jeans, pushing them to the floor as I stepped out of them. Not once did I take my eyes away from the damaged and scarred woman, whom I cared for and would protect with every fiber of my being, in front of me. Her eyes never left mine, either. She watched with fear etched in her expression and I knew she was making sure I wouldn’t run again.

I wouldn’t.

I would never run again.

The moment I reached for her, she froze up. It was as if I was watching all of her walls reconstruct around her, blocking me out. She began to push back on the bed until she was in the middle with her legs bent in front of her. Maybe her fearful expression wasn’t because of me leaving. Maybe it was because of me in general.

I leaned over her shivering frame, keeping my hands on either side of her body so she would know where they were at all times. “Talk to me, Ivy. Tell me what you’re feeling. Why are you pushing me away?”

“I—I just need the lights off,” she mumbled with her eyes pinched tightly closed.

“No,” I barked and grabbed her face until she looked at me. “I want to see you. I need to watch you if we do this. I won’t let you shut down or space out while I’m inside of you.” I softened my words and bent down until my lips were barely touching hers. “I need you to be in this with me.”

She began to relent as her legs started to give. Her breathing started to even out and her eyes softened. “Don’t look at me,” she pleaded with a voice so quiet I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly. “I want to be with you, but you can’t look at me.”

I shook my head, not understanding what she was saying. “I need to. I have to make—”

“No,” she started, placing her hand over my lips to keep me from continuing. “You can’t look at me
there
.”

With a deep breath, I gave in. I knew she was uncomfortable with the way she looked, much like I knew most women were. I had seen so many vaginas over my career—and life—that I couldn’t honestly tell you that there was a “normal” looking one. But just like every other part of a woman’s body, I guess insecurities about their sex were no different. I wouldn’t push her, but I knew that at some point, I would see it. I would taste it. It was only a matter of time before I’d have her giving in and begging for it.