Lulu's Loves (16 page)

Obviously, I knew the answer to that question.
I put my best face forward and went to prepare dinner for my dad and me.

Focus, Lulu, you can’t let on that anything is going on. He will know, he always does.

I’d called Rachael earlier; after dinner, I went to her apartment to talk.

“Shit, Lulu, now you’ve got me nervous. Listen, before you get all wigged out about this, wait a day or so and take the other test. But, Lulu, you have to know what you’re going to do. You have to be prepared, with or without him.”

“What does that mean? We love each other.”

“Each other, but have you even discussed the possibility of family? Will he love being a father?” she asked.

“Oh my God, Rachael, what if he doesn’t?” I ran to the bathroom and emptied my dinner. Rachael was there holding my hair to keep it out of the toilet.

“Your heart will tell you what to do, it always does, honey.”

Just speak from your heart. I find that’s usually best,
I heard Thom say over and over in my mind.

I was supposed to go to Kiawah to see him that weekend. The next  morning, I took the second pregnancy test. It was positive. I knew I wasn’t ready for this. As the weekend approached, I called Thom to tell him I was sick. It wasn’t a lie; I’d been feeling nauseous. It was hard enough to keep the feeling from my dad, but I knew I couldn’t keep it from Thom. I wasn’t ready to tell him. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

A new week began. Each time we talked I would cry into my pillow when I hung up, so Dad wouldn’t hear me.

Tonight, Thom called.

“Are you feeling better? Are you coming this weekend?” he asked in the rapid-fire way I’d become accustomed to. I knew I had to get it over with. I’d prayed and prayed about it.

Just go. Get it behind you.

“I need to come,” I said, trying to sound happy.

“Good, because I don’t think I can wait another week.”

He sounded so excited, but I worried about what would happen when I told him. I thought about telling him over the phone, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to tell him face to face.

The drive to South Carolina was the longest drive I’ve ever made. I went through it in my head, over and over. I tried to play out every scenario I could imagine, but none of them had a good outcome. I prayed that I was wrong.

Prepare for the worst–pray for the best.

I prayed that he’d be excited about a baby, but I didn’t know if he would. We’d never talked much past our next weekend together.

I went to his place to wait. I called to let him know I was there.

“I’ll be there in half an hour. I can’t wait to see you. I’ve missed you like crazy, Lulu!”

I paced until I heard him pull up. It was almost eight when he walked in. He had a bag with what I assumed would be our dinner, and a bottle of wine.

“None for me,” I said. “I still feel a little queasy.”

“Was it a stomach bug or something?” he asked, pushing hair back to kiss my forehead. “You look like hell, but you don’t feel warm.”

I thought I would throw up.

“No, it wasn’t a bug. Can we sit down a minute?” My heart raced. My hands were sweating. I felt my cheeks flush.

“Lulu, is something wrong?” he asked.

“I’m not sure just yet. I’ll know in a few minutes,” I said, and sat on the sofa.

“You’re kind of freaking me out, Lulu. What’s going on?”

“I’m pregnant.”

There, I said it. Just threw it right out, no foreplay, just BAM! I’m pregnant!

The room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. He just sat there. His eyes blinked. They were flat, there was no emotion, just emptiness. I could see that he was gritting his teeth. The jaw that usually gave way so easily to a smile was set. He didn’t look angry. He looked lost.

“Thom?”

“Lulu, I’m not sure what to say.”

“Well, I’ll make it easy for you.” I took a deep breath. “Are you happy or not? That’s all I need to know. You can answer with one word, happy or not.”

He just sat there. I was dying inside. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to share my tears with him. The screaming in my head kept repeating: SAY SOMETHING! ANYTHING! But he didn’t.

I got up and walked toward the kitchen. I picked up my purse, grabbed my keys, and went out the door. I hadn’t brought my things inside, just in case. I got in the car and pulled the seatbelt across to fasten it. When I looked up he was standing there. I started the engine and lowered the window.

“Good-bye, Thom.”

He didn’t say a word. He just stood there with that blank look as I drove away.

When I got home it was just after two. I tapped lightly on his door to let my dad know I was there.

“Everything okay?”

“No.”

He turned the light on beside his bed and sat up. “Come talk to me.”

I sat beside him on the bed and told him my situation. He didn’t say anything. I didn’t think he would; he knew how hard this was for me to tell him. He slipped his arm around me and finally, I cried.

“We’ll figure it out, Lulu. We always do.”

A week came and went. I figured I’d get a text to make sure I’d gotten home safely, but it never came. I kept myself busy teaching. I figured that I was probably eight or nine weeks pregnant, and if I figured if I played my cards right, I could make it to Thanksgiving break before it became really obvious, but it seemed God had other plans.

Nine days after I told Thom that I was pregnant, I miscarried. The doctor examined me and found nothing with my health that would have caused the miscarriage. He said it was most likely a ‘c
hromosomal abnormality’ in the baby
.
 

After that, I lay in bed for two days crying. I don’t know if I cried because I lost the baby, or because I felt guilty that I wasn’t as sad about it as I should have been. I didn’t want to raise Thom Miller’s child on my own.

I told the university that I had the flu. I had to wrap my head around all that had happened. On Friday evening, my dad came to my room.

“You have a visitor.”

I looked with question, and then I saw him. Thom was standing behind my dad.

“Thank you, Dad. You can leave.” I directed the comment to Thom. He didn’t listen; he walked in and sat on the bed beside me. I got up. I didn’t want him near me. I didn’t want him there at all.

“Leave!” I demanded.

“No, Lulu,” he cried. “You’re carrying my child. I’ve been a horrible ass. I love you. I just didn’t know if I was ready to be a parent. I needed time to come to terms with this. I was shocked. I didn’t handle it right,” he said in short sentences.

I decided to let him ramble. “I was wrong, Lulu. I love you so much. I came to beg you to take me back, to forgive me. I’m ready to be a family.”

“No.” My tears started to flow. “You just need to leave. I don’t need you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you.”

“But you did love me, you did. You can’t deny what we felt. Please, give me a chance to make this right,” he begged.

“No! You waited too long. You left me alone to deal with this on my own for too long!” I cried. “Two fucking weeks…two weeks of me trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to do. You should have been here to deal with this with me!”

“The baby is mine too!” he declared.

“I lost the baby!” I shouted those words, and whispered the next. “I lost the baby. I had a miscarriage, so you can just leave. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Go.”

He rose and reached for me. “Lulu…”

“Do. Not. Touch. Me.” I spat the words. I was angry and the way I felt made me break down. It was no longer tears that streaked my cheeks; it was body-wracking sobs. “I mean it, Thom Miller. The thought of you touching me makes me sick. I want you to leave.”

“I can’t, Lulu. Please forgive me, I love you.” He was crying. Reaching for me, he wept as though he needed me to comfort him.

Where were you when I needed you? No. I don’t want you anymore.

“You loved the idea of us until it became real and then you let me down! You let me down, Thom Miller! You said you wouldn’t and you did! I trusted you with everything. You wouldn’t even talk to me. You could have told me you were confused. You could have told me that you needed time to think, but you didn’t. You just let me stand there carrying this burden on my own. Two weeks, God damn you! It’s been two weeks! It took both of us for this to happen. I didn’t plan for it–it happened!” I screamed. “LEAVE!”

He rose from the bed and walked toward the bedroom door. Before he walked out, he quickly looked back. “Lulu?”

“LEAVE!” I shouted.

“I love you. I will love you, always.”

He walked away, and I fell apart.

For months, he called daily. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. He left messages, crying as he professed his love for me; telling me how he missed me, and how devastated he was over ‘both’ of his losses. He begged me to call him, begged me to give him another chance. He sent beautiful flowers to my home and the university. I sent them back. I had to move past Thom Miller.

I mourned my losses in a different way. Feeling better, I volunteered for every teaching opportunity that came up; anyone who needed time off that didn’t conflict with my own classes, I taught. It was my coffin of sorts. I died, and work was the place I buried myself. Thom Miller was gone to me forever.

Keelin

Fall 2001

It was the week before Thanksgiving break and I was sitting at the table in the faculty break room. My head was stuck in my planner, figuring out the next few days.

“Come up for air, Ms. Welk.”

I looked up and smiled as Keelin Wynn approached me. “Just trying to make sure I’ve got it all.” I closed the book when he sat down across from me.

We’ve worked together for two years now, but our conversations had mostly been pleasantries. He was a nice looking man, but I was pretty sure he was more interested in men than women. He’d been at the University of Jacksonville for five years; I’d soon be starting my third.

“Ms. Welk, would you be interested in having a drink with me?” he asked.

“That’d be nice. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t stopped to enjoy myself in a while,” I replied.

“A long while, I’ve noticed. We all have. Branson’s at five. I’ll see you there,” he said and left.

At the end of the day, I left for Branson’s, a bar about a mile away from the college. He was already at the bar when I entered. He rose from the stool and pulled the one beside him out for me to join him.

“Thank you,” I said, dropping my bag on the barstool beside me. When the bartender asked what I was having, I asked for a white wine.

“Ms. Welk,” he began.

“Louisa, please call me Louisa,” I said with a smile.

“I invited you out because it seems that something in your life is amiss. I hope I’m not intruding, but it seems like you need a friend. Your shine has dulled; not as an educator, because you are an incredible instructor,” he said quickly, as though to let me know this wasn’t going to be a discussion about my job performance.

“Your internal shine has dulled. As a woman, you aren’t the same as you were. You were vibrant and alive, and now it’s as though you only exist.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment. “That obvious?”

He nodded.

“I’m ready to move past it,” I said, “finally.”

“When you first started with us, you seemed so happy and ready to hit the road every weekend you could. A man?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“There was a man, there isn’t any longer.” It was the first time I didn’t feel sad thinking about it.

“And so you’ve wrapped your life around your work. Breathe, my dear. You may be missing something wonderful.”

“What do you mean?” I inquired.

“Well, you’ll never know because you aren’t paying attention,” he chuckled.

“I just needed some time…”

“It’s been months since I saw a real smile on your face, Louisa. No man is worth forgetting to smile.” He leaned closer to whisper in my ear, “I know.”

I smiled because he trusted me to share that with me.

“He was older and, well…” I took a sip of wine. “I thought he was the one. What I realized was that he was just another one.”

He looked at me in question. “Asshole, I mean – another asshole.”

He almost spit out the sip of drink he’d just taken. “You are a surprise!”

“I’ve had two guys in my life and it seems that they were both self-centered and selfish. I thought the last one was different. I was wrong.”

“Since you brought it up, I’ve had several assholes in my life, as well. Relationships are relationships; they are supposed to be equal, you know, fifty-fifty.”

I nodded in agreement.

“I go out with a group of friends on Fridays. It’s a vast group from all walks of our community. You should join us. It’d be good for you to expand your circle.”

“I don’t really have a circle. I have one girlfriend, who has been my friend since we were young. We get together every once in a while, but her crowd is different.”

“We’re all different, Louisa. Join us; have some fun–LIVE!”

“Call me Lulu. My friends call me Lulu.”

As I left the bar, I thought about the last thing he said, “LIVE!” When the traffic light turned green, I realized that I
was
ready to GO. It had taken almost five months, but I’d finally put Thom Miller behind me. I’d done my grieving over him and the baby that I lost.

A song began on the radio and the words caught my attention as Zach Berkman sang.

You wish you could bend, but then you'd just break
You reach for your keys, now you're driving away.
You can't hear your thoughts for the sound of the rain,
And you hope that you'll never get back here again.
And we become who we are when we fall apart,
So don't you want to...
Start a new day, let yourself go,
'Cause your head seems to know this is right,
But your heart isn't sure.

I tried to
hear
the words, not just the song. I was quite sure that he was singing about starting a new relationship. I heard it in a different way.

Move on, Lulu.

2003

Over time, Keelin Wynn became a good friend to me. He was a fun companion and I guess because I knew there were no expectations, I felt safe in his company. We went out often. He introduced me to some of his friends, pointing out a few that he was interested in, and some that he thought I might explore. I didn’t want a man right now. I wanted to focus on Lulu. Every Friday I met them at Branson’s for a drink, and then I’d head home.

Keelin was a protector, my very own personal St. Michael. He watched over me, always making me text him when I got home. He was my confidant and I was his. Many shared conversations brought us closer together as friends.

“I’m glad you’re getting out,” my dad said one evening. “You mourned too long, Lulu.”

“It felt like that. My mind goes through so many scenarios of that situation. I don’t know what I’d have done if it had been different.”

“You’d have done what you needed to do. You’d have been a great single mom.”

“Is it bad if I say that I’m glad it didn’t turn out that way?” I asked him.

“No, but know I have absolute faith that you would have been awesome.”

I told him about Keelin.

He smiled. “No chance of a boyfriend in that one.”

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend. When the next one finds me, I’m looking for a partner.”

Keelin became a different kind of partner. We shopped, he joined Dad and I for dinners, and he joined me for breaks at work when our schedules meshed. My dad loved him, but I knew he wanted more for me.

“I’ll know when it’s right,” I told him.

One night after a few drinks, Keelin was driving me home. “I’ll be back early in the morning to take you for coffee and to retrieve your car.”

“I really was fine to drive.”

“I know, but I like safe better than sorry,” he reminded me.

“Keelin? Have I told you that I love you?”

“You have, and I love you. I’m glad for the day that we decided to be friends. You have been an unexpected addition to my life. But you need to know…I need to find a man for you so you can get laid.”

“Oh my!”

“Seriously, Lulu. How long has it been?”

“What month is this?” I asked.

“May,” he chuckled.

“A long time.” I replied.

“Jesus! We have to find a man for you!” he laughed.

We went out every Friday and great kinships developed. Rachael and her latest guy, Chuck, joined us often. As Keelin would say, my ‘circle’ expanded.

I stayed busy teaching English as a second language at the local community center over the summers. When the school year began again, I was always relieved to get back to my routine.

I went out for dinner a few times, cocktails every once in a while, with someone Keelin thought I’d be interested in. They were nice and it was nice to go out, but I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. I was happy. I was content. I didn’t require a man to satisfy any need that I had.

October 2006

On Friday morning, Keelin was waiting by my office door. “I just found out!”

“Found out what?” I laughed at his excitement.

“Someone has a thirtieth birthday coming up. Let’s go to Orlando and shop for something that says ‘Hey! Look at me!’ Big Friday celebration at Branson’s next week! It’s already planned, so you can’t say no. I’ll make sure you get home because I want you to cut loose and have fun!”

“Whose birthday, so I can be prepared?”

“Silly wench! Yours!”

“Oh my! I have a birthday!” I laughed.

“If you had your own place, I’d sleep over, and we could leave early, but I’m not sure Daddy would understand.”

“If you have clothes, stay! There’s a spare room, and my dad will be fine. I’ll fix breakfast in the morning, and we’ll hit the road.”

“I always have a change of clothes. You’ll never see me departing early in the morning with the same duds on,” he snickered. “Mine will always be a stylish walk of shame.”

I roared with laughter at his comment. “Keelin, I love you! I’ll call and tell him you’re staying.”