Lullaby (37 page)

For the second time that day I couldn’t think where the hell I was, and when I tried to sit upright the oxygen mask across my face held me back. A paramedic with a kind, bovine face leant over me and smiled at me and said, ‘Don’t panic, love. You’re in the ambulance with me.’ He removed the mask and said, ‘Good to see you back, girlie. How’re you feeling now?’ and Deb was suddenly there, taking my hand. And then I remembered that Robbie was dead, like a huge cosh round my head again.

The paramedic checked me over, and said he
thought I’d be okay, and Deb could take me home again. But I didn’t want to go to my empty house, not while Louis was still gone, not while he might be so near. Not with—I balked at the thought. Not with Robbie lying alone in some dingy mortuary down here. So Deb went off, and came back to say they’d take me to the hotel where I’d stayed the other night. She said Leigh had been informed about Robbie’s death; a colleague had been round to see her and then Deb had spoken to Leigh on the phone, and she was going to let my poor mum know. My mum. I couldn’t even bear to imagine her pain.

At the hotel, Deb ran me a hot bath. I tried to sneak a beer out of the rattling old minibar while she ordered us some sandwiches but Deb wouldn’t let me drink it; she thought it’d make me ill on top of the painkillers I’d been given. So I lay in the bath, a bath so hot it scalded me, as if it would purge me somehow, strip me of my sorrow; and all I thought about was Robbie. My eyes were gritty and unseeing now above the steam; and what I felt was guilt. The most terrible, gut-wrenching remorse and guilt.

When I finally clambered out of the water, so red I looked like I’d been flayed alive, I felt sick to my stomach with grief—and I was far too scared to go to bed. How could I ever sleep again; I’d just keep seeing Robbie lying in the dark, or Louis hidden in some cupboard. So Deb stayed with me, and we sat together on the double bed and drank more tea, and watched some rubbish TV for a while. And finally I rang Leigh. I’d put it off because I couldn’t bear to say the words, to
hear them out loud. She was sleepless too, chain-smoking, frigid with shock at first, just like I’d known she would be. She’d spoken to my mum.

‘She’s coming back with George. She’s—well, it’s not worth you trying to talk to her now, Jess, anyway. You’ve got enough on your plate. She’s in bits. At least—’ Leigh’s voice faltered and I knew she was trying to hold back her tears.

‘At least what?’

‘At least’, her lighter clicked again, ‘he might be at peace now.’ She took a deep and steadying draw in. ‘Christ, Jess. I can’t believe how much he fucked it up.’

‘Leave it, Leigh, for now—can you?’

‘But—’

‘But what?’

‘I feel so bloody guilty, Jess,’ she whispered, and I heard her voice break.

‘I know what you mean,’ I said. And then there was a pause, until she cleared her throat. ‘And Louis?’

I took a sip of my tea; I steadied myself. ‘I dunno. Silver’s out there still, they’re all out there looking for him. Did Deb tell you, they found his cardigan?’

‘Yes, thank God. So they know he’s near at least.’

‘Or—’ My throat constricted.

‘What, Jess?’

‘Or at least, he was near. Maxine’s completely vanished.’

‘Bloody bitch.’ Then, in a small voice, she said, ‘I wanted to tell you something. I did try the other day. It was—I took Maxine down there, you know.’

I didn’t understand. ‘What? Down where?’

‘Down to Birling Gap. A few weeks ago, you remember, when you went to have your hair done. When I took the kids and Maxine to the seaside for the day.’

I thought of all the sand rattling round the baby bag at the Tate. ‘Oh, I see. Oh God, Leigh. Do you think she was planning it then?’

‘I don’t know, babe. Christ, something else for me to feel shit about.’

‘Don’t be stupid. If it hadn’t been here, it’d have been somewhere else.’

‘Yeah. Suppose. I’ve told DI Silver anyway.’

Another pause. I couldn’t bear to hang up. ‘Oh God, Leigh. I can’t get Robbie out of my head. I’m never going to get him out of my head.’

‘I know, babe. But you’ve got to keep on being strong, for Louis’s sake. Not long now, I’m sure of it. Just think of that.’

There was silence on the line then, but it was a nice kind of quiet. Eventually we said goodbye. I had to face my demons some time.

‘After all,’ I said to Deb, ‘if I’m getting Louis back soon, I’ll need my sleep.’

She tried to match my false smile, but I felt the concern behind the kindly façade. She hugged me quickly. ‘Try and get a good night’s sleep.’

I grimaced.

‘Just try. I’ll see you in the morning. Call me if you need me, though.’

‘Thank you.’

And so eventually I lay on my bed, in the dark, with
just my headache for company. Through the open curtains I watched some little lights that flickered quite frantically out at sea, up and down they went, bouncing up and down. A storm was surely brewing. I thought of Robbie and my stomach twisted; of how cold he’d felt, and an awful pain gripped my heart. I should have known, I should have seen. I could have saved my brother. I’d been so caught up with Louis, I’d let poor Robbie down. Grief roared in my ears until I was on the verge of screaming to drown the sound—and then, suddenly, there was a gentle tap on the door.

Silver stood there, silhouetted, yawning.

‘I just came to see if you were all right.’ His short hair was ruffled. ‘Can I come in for a sec?’ he said, but he was already in by now. I went back and lay on the bed; I didn’t speak because I didn’t know what to say. He hovered by my feet.

‘We’re getting closer, Jess, I swear,’ and I turned over so he couldn’t see my face. Slowly, he took his shoes off and, without speaking, he lay down on the bed. He was tentative; he was fully clothed. We lay there side by side, and I stared at an invisible ceiling with hot, dry eyes, tensing my body against his anticipated touch, a touch that in truth I really longed for; and then, finally, he moved. He gathered me into his arms, and I was still as stiff as an ironing-board, considered turning away, but in the end I didn’t. Couldn’t. Couldn’t turn away from him. Was I betraying my loved ones-Louis, Robbie, Mickey? I didn’t know—I didn’t care any more. I just knew it felt curiously right to be lying here with Silver.

Spindly rain began to lash the windows, and gradually I gave in, muscle by sore muscle, and gently he just held me until I’d relaxed a bit. I buried my face in his shirt, which smelt faintly of lemons, and tried to close my eyes, to block out the ghosts that whispered through my brain.

‘I should have helped him, Silver. I could have done,’ I said, and then the tears came. ‘I can’t believe he’s gone.’

Silver murmured ‘Shhh’ into my hair, until I’d sobbed myself to sleep.

My mobile was ringing. My eyes seemed to be glued tight shut, and I knocked the phone to the floor in my effort to reach it. When I answered and said ‘Hello’, it was Mickey’s voice that replied. I sat up fast, which made my head thud painfully, and I looked around with guilt, but Silver was long gone, and I was apparently alone.

‘Where are you?’ I asked, still groggy with sleep. I wondered what the time was. A weak sun trickled through the unveiled windows, saturating the clock’s digital display so I couldn’t read it. It looked like dawn had already been.

‘At home. Where are you? Are you all right? They told me—I heard about your brother. I’m so sorry, Jessica.’

It was like a huge hoof to my stomach, like finding out again that he was dead. In these past two weeks, each time I fell asleep and woke I had to come to terms with a hideous reality once more. Now Robbie was gone too.

‘Thank you,’ I said numbly. ‘What time is it?’

‘About eight, I think.’

‘Where were you, Mickey? You should still be in hospital. I was really worried.’

‘I’m sorry, Jessica. I don’t know what happened—I lost it there for a while, I guess. I panicked.’

‘I’ll say. They found Louis’s jumper you know. Where—where Robbie was.’

‘I know. I spoke to your man there—to DI Silver-this morning.’

My face in the mirror opposite was a sight. ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Did you? When?’ I tried for innocence.
Your man there.
I was innocent, of course.

‘About half an hour ago. He said they’re getting nearer. I’m coming down.’

Why did that make me feel so strange?

‘Do you think you should?’ I said. ‘Have you been checked out? You’re still meant to be in recovery, aren’t you?’

‘And aren’t you, my girl? Honestly,’ there was a pause; I heard something being poured, a drink, ‘we’re a right old pair, are we not?’

Not. Not really a pair, no. Not now.

‘Yes,’ I said dully. ‘A right old pair.’ Then I thought of Louis, and a bubble of anticipation swelled up inside. ‘Oh, Mickey,’ I said, and I got out of bed. I forgot my anxieties about my marriage. I even forgot Robbie for a minute. ‘I’ve got a feeling this is it. We’re going to get our Louis back today, I know we are.’

‘I hope you’re right.’ His tone was fierce, vehement even. ‘I do know—I know how much it’s hurt you,
Jessica. Are you sure you’re all right? I’m sorry you’ve been so—well, left so alone to cope. I’ll be there soon.’

‘Oh yes,’ I said, ‘I’ll be fine, I expect. Call me when you’re near, okay?’ Then I thought of something else, and I said, ‘Mickey.’

‘What?’

‘I’m sorry that—’

‘You’re sorry what?’

‘I’m sorry if it was Robbie. That took him. I didn’t want to believe it, but I guess—well, you know.’

‘Yes, I know.’

‘It makes me feel—sort of, responsible somehow.’

He laughed dryly. ‘I don’t think that for a minute, right?’

‘Right,’ I said. I hung up, and then I rang Silver to find out what to do. I was a little tongue-tied.

‘Jess,’ he said, and he was distracted, ‘I can’t talk now. We’ve had a positive sighting. I’ll send a car.’ And then he was gone. The sea outside the window was white-peaked and rough, the clouds that scudded past were foreboding. I got dressed, sick with excitement and terror. I clutched my breasts and wondered whether milk ever started again, and in response I felt a dull deep tingle.

‘Louis,’ I whispered, and I stared at the photo I carried in my purse. I stroked his tiny face. ‘I’m coming, baby. Mummy’ll be there soon.’

Deb and I were sitting in the back of an unmarked car that was going much too fast, even by my desperate standards. We’d travelled across the bosomy South
Downs, parched and brown from the long, hot summer, then trailed down the narrow coast road behind dawdling tourists and armies of OAPs until our driver stuck a siren on the roof and overtook on every blind bend until we arrived in the dump called Newhaven. We swung by the rundown ferry-port, taking such a sharp right that Deb and I banged heads as we went sprawling across the back seat.

‘We’d like to get there in one piece please,’ Deb snapped at the driver, hauling herself up with dignity.

He just laughed, and put his foot down. ‘Two pieces, don’t you mean? Sorry, girls.’ He didn’t look the least bit contrite. ‘Orders from the boss, get you there quick smart.’

‘Not to kill us, were they, those orders?’ Deb retorted, but he just smirked. Halfway up a narrow street that led to the sea, we slowed at a roadblock, and I sighed with silent relief. The policewoman who’d brought me those pants the other night leant down to the driver. ‘You’d better park up, Frank,’ she said. ‘No cars any further.’

At the point where a terrace of scruffy houses ended, a gaggle of plain-clothed coppers loitered, looking uneasy, muttering into radios. In the distance, bright but shabby fishing boats bobbed in the water, old nets and pots stacked neatly along a dilapidated jetty. Rusting anchors stained the concrete where they lay, and the air above was full of gulls, crying tragically. They made me think of Robbie; coupled with the overpowering stench of seaweed and rotting fish, my stomach lurched queasily.

I spotted Silver behind a small group of men, chewing his ubiquitous gum, talking to a broad-shouldered, grey-haired man in a long blue coat. Squat and bulldog-like he was, this bloke, and from the way he held himself I guessed he was Silver’s boss. Despite their distance, the tension in both men was obvious from where I stood. I put my hand up to wave—and then my heart stopped. A team of armed police marksmen trotted past, up to some oil-drums where they took cover, guns relaxed across their shoulders, slung idly in holsters, laughing and joking like it was business as usual.

Deb clocked my face, and took me by the arm. ‘I think we should wait here,’ she said, but I was frightened now, more frightened than I’d been this entire bloody time, all these fourteen days.

‘What the bloody hell’s going on now, Deb?’ I demanded. Without waiting for her answer, I marched round the marksmen to where Silver stood.

‘Jess,’ he said, and he didn’t smile. He seemed anxious, really tense.

‘What’s happening, Silver? Why all these guns?’

‘Precautionary, love,’ said the other man, ‘just a precaution at this stage.’ He stuck his hand out, little grey hairs sprouting below each knuckle.

‘Jessica Finnegan, DCI Malloy.’ Silver made the cursory introduction.

‘Hello,’ I said politely.

‘I’m sorry about your brother, love,’ said Malloy gruffly, ‘very sorry.’ For a moment our eyes locked. Very bright eyes, they were, boring into me, and it seemed
like his sentiment was real. And then Silver crumpled his drink can in his hand, and cleared his throat, rather awkwardly.

‘I think you should know, Jess, the tox screen for Robbie just came back. It looks a bit—odd.’

‘Odd?’ I repeated numbly.

Malloy glanced at Silver.

‘Yeah—odd. Heroin levels were enough to kill an elephant. Robbie was a regular user, wasn’t he?’

I shrugged. ‘I don’t know really. He hasn’t—’ I took a breath ‘—he wasn’t exactly being straight with me, recently.’

‘I know, and I’m sorry to ask. But the amount he had in his system would suggest he either had a serious death-wish, or—’

‘Or what?’

I watched one of the marksmen, a young bloke whose ears stuck out at funny angles beneath his cap, making a roll-up from his packet of tobacco. He held his green Rizla packet between his teeth, laughing at something a colleague had just said. It made me think of Robbie. It made me think of—