Lula Does the Hula (43 page)

Heartfelt thanks to the incredibles who keep Lula in a state of hula, especially Pippa le Quesne and Charlie Viney of the Viney Agency, and all at Egmont – Ali Dougal in particular, who has a pure Lula heart and soul; Tim Deakin, who takes the pain out of copy-editing; Jo Hardacre, publicity expert; Jenny Hayes, crisis-averter-in-chief; Jane Tate, perfect proofreader; Tom Hartley, cool creative; Charlotte Moore, unflappable productionista; Sian Robertson, Rachel Bailey and Mike Richardson, marketing moguls; and Leah Thaxton, without whom Lula would not be on these printed pages.

Big hugs to Alison Lowry, Helen Suzor, Nicola van Rooyen and Candice Wiggett at Penguin Books SA for the excitement of Lula in South Africa.

I couldn’t do it without the wonderfuls who keep me in my day job – thank you! – and the lovelies who crit my scribbling/have my kidlets to play/let me snivel on their shoulder – big kisses.

And I’d never have had the chance to write the first draft in one glorious go without the help of Celeste Mackintosh, who came to look after my family while I ran away to my hometown (the roads of which Lula tirelessly sprints). Thank you so much, Celeste.

Dad, I’m so sad you didn’t get to read what I spent our last days together writing, and, Marzipan, as you can see, this one’s for you, with all my love.

Samantha:
Ali? Is that you?

Ali from Egmont:
Oh, hey, Sam! How are you?

Samantha:
[Looking around anxiously
] Okay . . . thank you . . . I guess. What were you saying just now about revealing stuff?

Ali:
Oh, y’know, just chatting to the readers . . . [
Ali starts doing I’m-Totally-Innocent whistling tune
]

Samantha:
Readers? Chatting to
readers
? Nooooo! I know your game, Missy Ali! Last time you told the readers how I got my dress all hoiked up one fine summer’s day and walked across Waterloo Bridge showing the whole world my grey granny knickers! YOU CANNOT BE TRUSTED!

Ali:
Sam!
You
spilled the beans! Not me! And you’ve just spilled them again!
I cannot be trusted
? [
Eyes all big and woeful
] How can you SAY that? I’m devastated!

Samantha:
[
Looking suddenly worried
] Devastated? You are? [
Hugging Ali so hard she goes a little blue in the face
] No! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You are entirely trustworthy and lovely.

Ali:
[
In a small voice
] Thank you. [
Cough
] How do you decide what to write about?

Samantha:
Ha! A trick! This is another interview, isn’t it?

Ali:
[
Fully recovered
] But of course.

Sam:
[
Sighing heavily
] Okay. Well, for me it’s always about the
characters. They’ll start off resembling a certain person – maybe just someone I saw in the street or on the bus – and then they get a life of their own and REFUSE to conform to plot, and WILL NOT do as I tell them, and INSIST on texting their mates for pages on end thinking they’re really funny instead of just doing something interesting . . .

Ali:
Okaaaay. Have you been taking medication for that problem?

Samantha:
Is that, like, an interview question, or a personal question?

Ali:
Yes. No. Shh, you! Um, okay . . . Why do you write for young people?

Samantha:
I abide by that rule: write what you know. I look like I’m ageing fast, but actually I never moved much past sixteen/ seventeen.

Ali:
[
Hiding a smile
] Really? Nooo. I would never have known. Anyway, where was I . . . Oh yes. Can you write anywhere or do you have a special place where you work?

Samantha:
I can write anywhere – it can even be quite noisy.

Ali:
What do you do if you get writer’s block?

Samantha:
Writer’s block? No! The concept is too terrifying to admit to, but if the people in my head won’t do what they’re told I go for a challenging run with tunes in my ears. Or I invent a totally new character just to mix things up a little.

Ali:
Describe yourself as a teenager in five words.

Samantha:

1. UNKISSED.

2. Totallyuncoolbutsomehowitwasokay.

3. Regularlydepressed.

4. Toosensitive.

5. GSOH.

Is that last one cheating?

Ali:
They all are! [
Shakes head in despair
] If you could give your teenage self one piece of advice, what would it be?

Samantha:
Don’t stop writing just because it feels like too big a dream.

Ali:
Do you think today’s teens are different from how young people were when you were a teenager?

Samantha:
Yikes! It wasn’t that long ago! But I guess a lot has changed. I think today’s teens have heaps more to cope with, and heaps more expected from them. (Chocolate helps.)

Ali:
Have you ever kept a diary? Do you still keep one?

Samantha:
I’ve kept a diary now and then. I’m not really a journal keeper, more of a corresponder.

Ali:
Which fictional character do you most relate to and why?

Samantha:
Probably Tallulah Bird, surprise, surprise . . .

. . . because she does stuff I always wish I’d been brave enough to try

. . . because she’s a lot like me (except for her fine physique, ohhh for a bit of her fine physique, oh and her hair, I love her hair)

. . . because she can fix cars. Is that totally random? Yes. Sorry.

. . . and because she’s just got sisters, no brothers, and goes to an all-girls’ school so has ZERO boy contact. Which was pretty much my life growing up.

Ali:
What do you like the most/ least about being an author?

Samantha:
The thing I like most is the writing. The thing I like least is the cold, dark, insidious dread that no one will want to read that writing. The
other
thing I like most is hearing from readers. They’re always cool and funny, and make me laugh.

Ali:
You are totally sucking up to the readers!

Samantha:
Am not! I thought this was all about trusting and truthfulness and blah blah! Readers are an unexpected bonus of writing something. It’s true. I never actually believe that anyone will ever read anything I’ve written. I’m constantly surprised that people know who Boodle is.

Ali:
Okay. I get that. Have you ever been inspired by your readers?

Samantha:
They’re mainly in my head because my books are quite new and I haven’t met very many yet. So mostly these imaginary people are just very encouraging. Like at 5 a.m., I’ll be going ‘Sleeeep,’ they’ll be going, ‘Get up! Move your saggy ass! Tallulah is hanging by her fingertips from a fraying tree root on the edge of a cliff and only you can save her!’

Ali:
Moving swiftly on . . . How long does it take you to write a book?

Samantha:
That depends on how busy my day job is, and how cRaZy it is at home, so, y’know, could be a few months, could be a few years. Sorry. I know that’s not helpful.

Ali:
What is your preferred genre of writing and do you write across any other genres? And how is Boodle?

Samantha:
Pardon?

Ali:
I mean . . . is her back okay?

Samantha:
Wait! I thought this was all about me?

Lula:
Sam, it’s never about you. Ali, Boodle is fine.

Ali:
Um, thanks. [
Whispers
]
Does Sam know you’re here?

Samantha:
OF COURSE I KNOW SHE’S HERE! SHE’S IN MY HEAD. Well, not
now
. Now she’s out in the open. [
Waving hands around head like a freaky freak
] Back inside, Lula! Back inside!

Lula:
As if. I always have to come out here and set the record straight about stuff.

Samantha:
I am perfectly capable, thank you very much, of answering interview questions.

Lula:
Not true.

Samantha:
TRUE! Answer to Ali’s complicated question about genres? I like writing for girls – that sixteen-year-old voice is a lot of fun, and seems to speak to everyone from twelve to twenty-hundred.

Lula:
That’s how old Blue thinks Sam is. Twenty-hundred. [
Falls about laughing
]

Samantha:
[
Cheeks a little flushed
] And! AND! I’ll have you know that I’d like to have a go at other things, though, as there are quite a few other people in my head that have been yelling to get out.

Lula:
That’s true, actually. It’s a little mad in here.

Samantha:
Excuse me! Do you mind? Ali and I are having a conversation.

Ali:
Um, I could come back later? Give you guys a chance to –

Samantha and Lula:
No!

Lula:
No need. I’ll be good, promise.

Ali:
[
Hurriedly
] Okay, um, describe the perfect kiss.

Samantha:
Whoa! Where’d that come from? We were all, like, genres and characters and . . .

Lula:
Now aren’t you glad I’m here? Nobody wants to hear about your Stephen Measey experience. Because that really was not the perfect kiss, even if it was the first.

Samantha:
[
Head in hands
] Oh boy. Actually, I’m so glad you’re here. I am. So glad.

Lula:
Remember that question you saw on the internet the other day?

Samantha:
Oh, horrors, yes. That was excruciating.

Lula:
So, Ali, this girl says:
I’ve never kissed anyone before. I am fifteen years old, and am obviously waiting for that special someone.

I am nervous, like many inexperienced people, and I want to know what are some turn-offs when you kiss someone. A very wet kiss? Opening your eyes while kissing? Breathing through your mouth while kissing? Making weird noises with your lips while kissing?

Ali:
Eek! Seriously?

Samantha:
Seriously. I had to call Lula up straight away.

Lula:
Though this is more Alex’s area of expertise than mine.

Ali:
So did this girl get any answers?

Lula:
Not really. [
Shudders
] I mean . . . all of those are pretty awful. And there are countless other things to make kissing a nightmare.

Ali:
Like?

Lula:
Really? You want me to go into things like halitosis and
younger siblings and rumbly tums and –

Samantha:
Enough! [
Head back in hands
] Please . . . Lula: Okay, so, perfect kissing requires:

l. Lovely boy

2. Frisson (that’s a French word meaning, really, he likes you and you like him, but the dictionary won’t say that)

3. Soft lips

4. Fresh breath

5. No wet kissing/open eyes/breathing through mouth/weird noises/unwanted audiences/halitosis/interruptions from parents (and/or anyone)/fits of the giggles/rumbly tums – I think you get the picture.

Ali:
Too much information.

Lula and Samantha:
[
In unison
] You asked!

Ali:
I’m going to stop asking. Just one more thing we need to know, though. What do you think is the hardest part of growing up?

Samantha:
Boys. Definitely. And the fact that there’s no end to growing up. It goes on and on. But I guess that’s the best bit too.

Lula:
Unless you get to twenty-hundred. That’s way too much growing up. [
Falls about laughing. Again
.]

Ali:
And on that, I’m outta here!

Samantha:
Bye, Ali. I’m going to go and explain to Lula how easy it is to murder a fictional person.

Lula:
Hey! I –