Luke's Absolution (The Colloway Brothers Book 3) (25 page)

At ten-thirty-three, baby boy one Colloway comes into the world weighing five pounds, eleven ounces and at ten-thirty-eight, baby boy two Colloway takes his first breath. At only four pounds, fourteen ounces, he’s the runt of the two, just like I was. Gray and Livia have been very tight-lipped about the names they’ve picked out and it turns out we won’t be finding out tonight because baby boy two has some issues breathing and baby boy one’s heart rate is still elevated. Both are whisked off to the neonatal intensive care unit, or what they call NICU for short, and it’s utter fucking chaos around here.

Finally, at midnight, Livia is back in her room, looking distraught and exhausted and Gray is down with the babies, checking on their status. My mom’s sitting with Livia who is in tears. I don’t know where Livia’s mom is, if she’s coming, and I’m not asking.

“They’re strong, Livia. They’ll be just fine,” I tell her, pulling up a chair as I take her hand.

“I know. I’m just…I want to hold them,” she sniffs. I hand her a tissue and she blows her nose.

“You will, dear,” says my mom. “Just as soon as the doctors say it’s okay. I remember when Luke here was born. He had to be on a feeding tube for a week. I was beside myself.” I’ve heard this story a million times. A.
Million
. Maybe that’s the reason I’m such a stickler about what I eat and why I have a love for cooking. I had to fight for my sustenance so early in life. I’ve had to fight for a lot of things in my life.

I look over at Addy sitting on the couch; she’s lying down with her eyes closed and now I know why it’s in here. Christ, birthing babies is a loooong-ass process. You’d think with modern medicine these days, they’d be able to come up with a quicker way to get them out.

The herd is thinning as everyone is exhausted. Asher forced Alyse to leave just a few minutes ago and Conn’s out talking to the night nurse, waiting to take my mom and Bob back to his place. I’m about ready to do the same with Addy when Gray returns with a nurse in tow.

“Can I see them now?” Livia chokes on a sob. She tries to move, but winces at the pain from the stitches in her abdomen.

“Yes, angel. Let the nurse help you into a wheelchair and I’ll take you to them.”

And that’s my cue.

I gather Addy, say good-bye to my family, and tell Gray, “Call me if anything changes, okay?”

“Will do,” he rasps. He’s beat, poor fucker. And he’ll probably look this way for the next eighteen years. I may have to rethink this four kids idea and unless we have twins, I’m not sure I’ll even be able to talk Addy into four kids now after what we’ve just witnessed. It’s a damn wonder women have more than one kid, in all honesty. I have just that much more respect for my mother.

“Congratulations, Gray.” I pull him in for a hug. “You did good, Dad.”

“Thanks. I feel like today’s been a blur.”

“I think that’s what the next twenty years will probably feel like.”

He chuckles and stifles a yawn. “I think you’re right.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Ready, angel?” he asks, turning his attention to Livia who’s now comfortably positioned, ready to go.

“I think I’m going to fly into a rage if I don’t get to see my babies within the next five minutes.”

Gray kneels down in front of his wife, taking her hands in his. “They’re perfect, Livvy. Absolutely, stunningly perfect.”

She nods, water spilling down her cheeks in rivers.

I’m not sure I’ve witnessed a more poignant moment in my entire life and swallow the lump that’s now formed in my throat.

Right now, I feel like a blessed man. I’m with the woman I love, witnessing new lives born to two people who mean more to me than almost anyone, with my family surrounding us.

Too bad shit’s about to blow up in my face, throwing the perfect little world I’ve built into a fucking maelstrom of chaos and confusion, forcing me to meet my demons head-on or lose everything I hold dear forever.

I wish I could tell you I didn’t fuck it up, but I can’t.

I’m a man.

We fuck everything up at least once.

H
oly mother
of all things unholy.
That’s
what it’s like to have a baby? And Luke wants eight? Screw that. Screw four. I’m not even sure I’ll have
one
after what I just saw Livia and Gray go through. My emotions are completely wrung out, my body exhausted, and my heart feels like it’s been sent through a shredder. And I didn’t even give birth.

“You okay over there, fireball?”

“Peachy keen,” I reply tightly, watching the lights blur as we fly past them.

He chuckles lightly. Grabbing my hand, his lips brush over my knuckles and my core spasms. I’m not sure if it’s in lust or fear now.

“Did that scare you?”

My eyes find his, even in the dark. “Did it scare you?”

“Fuck yes. I’m terrified.”

For some reason, that makes me feel better and I laugh.

“But not enough I guess. I still want kids with you, Addy. Loads of them.”

My laugh turns into a cough because I now just swallowed spit down the wrong side when I sucked in a breath. We haven’t talked about marriage, kids, or the future for over a month now. I’m not sure if that upsets me or relieves me. I think a little of both, actually.

“We aren’t even married.”

“I can fix that.”

My heart’s racing “Luke—”

“Hush, baby. When I ask, you’ll know it. But I
am
going to ask. Sooner rather than later, so start practicing.”

“Practicing what?” I ask, genuinely confused. Saying Mrs. Addy Colloway? Wow. I
really
like the sound of that. A lot.

“Saying yes, of course. That’s not usually the first word out of your mouth when I ask you something.”

My mouth hangs open for a second before I screech, “Oh my God! Seriously?”

“Damn that hurt,” he says while laughing. His laugh is loud and boisterous and so contagious I can’t help but join in. “God, I love you, fireball. So damn much.”

My irritation melts. “I love you, too. When you’re not pissing me off,” I add. He smiles, knowing I’m teasing.

I lean my head back and just stare at the love of my life, trying to process these past few months, which seem like a whirlwind. I love him intensely and thoroughly, of that there’s no doubt. I want to marry him and have a family (surrogacy is always an option, right?). I want to be part of
his
family, which I already love like my own.

Everyone thinks this in the beginning of a new relationship, a brand-new love, but I’m not sure there’s anything that could happen that would possibly change the way I feel about this man. He’s my someone.

Ten minutes later Luke and I are walking into my apartment when my steps waver. Landyn’s sitting on the couch watching TV, as I expected. What I didn’t expect was to see my sister, Sam, sitting right beside her. My gaze finds Landyn’s and hers is chalked full of apology.

Fuck
. A warning would have been nice. There’s only one reason Sam is here and it’s to guilt me into seeing my ill mother.

It’s been two years since I’ve seen my sister and she hasn’t changed a bit. Hasn’t aged a bit. She looks like she did ten years ago. Hardly a wrinkle on her beautiful face, making her appear much younger than her forty-four years.

“Addy,” she says, jumping up from the couch. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too,” I lie when she throws her arms around me.

“Who’s your friend here?” she purrs. I want to scratch her eyes out for running them over my boyfriend, but I sheath my claws. For some reason my filter’s wide open around everyone else; when it comes to my family it gets plugged up and not a single word of truth I want to speak will siphon through no matter how hard I try. I hate it.

When I turn around to introduce Sam to Luke, I freeze at the pure malice I see in his eyes. He’s staring at Sam like he would literally take her head if he held a sword in his hand. His furious, fiery eyes are bouncing back and forth between my sister and my niece. I’ve never seen this look on him before and I know I never want to again because he looks downright lethal. My mind is a jumble trying to figure out what would cause him to act like this. Nothing makes sense.

“Luke, what’s wrong?” I whisper, laying a hand on his arm.

He shakes it off like a hot coal and I stand there stunned when he cruelly spits in my direction, “Is this some sort of fucking joke?”

My gaze flits between Sam, who looks shocked, and Landyn, who is now standing just a few feet away clearly scared, and Luke, who is vibrating with anger. You’d have to be dumber than a box of rocks not to feel the hatred emanating from him right now and both Sam and Landyn take a step backward.

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, what the
fuck
is
she
doing here?”
What is
she
doing here?
She? Sam? Why is he having such a violent reaction to the fact that my sister is here? I mean, I know it was a surprise to me, and Luke knows how I feel about my sister, but there is clearly something more going on here I am just not getting.

“I didn’t know she was coming. I’m sorry. This is my sister, Sam.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.
This
is your sister? Landyn’s
mother
?”

“Yes,” I mumble slowly, almost incomprehensibly. I watch his eyes land on Landyn now and see a plethora of emotions flash in quick succession.

Anger.

Shock.

Confusion.

Guilt.

Regret.

Sorrow.

He looks back to Sam, his eyes hardening to black slate. Then he turns and leaves. Walks out of the apartment without a word, leaving the three of us standing there looking at the closed door that he shut with a whisper, which is in such contradiction to the intense hatred I witnessed only a moment ago.

“What the hell was that?” Landyn breathes.

“I have no idea,” I reply softly in utter confusion, a sick feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.

I have no fucking idea.

M
y lids crack open
, my mind slowly churning to remember where the fuck I am and why my head feels like it’s been split open with a sledgehammer. When I finally crawl through the thick sludge, the memory slams back into me with more force than my bike when I open her up, causing me to lose my breath and pray for oblivion once again. I hold my head in agony, wishing I was still passed out so I could forget how completely fucked this situation is.

My love’s
sister
is my father’s
mistress
. My woman’s
niece
is my
half sister
.

How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this revelation? How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with Addy knowing that her own flesh and blood screwed my family, literally and figuratively? Fucked me up to be the damaged man I am today? How am I supposed to cross paths with Landyn in the future and act like everything is peaches and fucking cream when it’s not? How do I tell Addy her sister is a black widow who preys on innocent families, destroying them from the inside out? How am I supposed to keep the truth hidden from her and everyone else around us when I feel like it’s written on my face in permanent black marker?

What am I supposed to do with this pile of stinking shit?

I don’t have the answers. None. To
any
of the million questions swirling around me, which is why I’m still holed up in this hotel room trying to drink myself to death and forget.

How could the universe be so cruel as to take the one thing that nearly destroyed me and set it right in front me again like some sick taunt when my life is finally right for the first time in fourteen years? It’s one thing to know she’s out there, but to come face-to-face with her is entirely different. To have her related to my Addy is just plain evil. Addy has almost single-handedly locked my darkness down. Now, the door is standing wide open and every demon I possess has been let loose to endlessly torment and haunt me.

You’re happy now, Luke?
Well, fuck you, we’ll fix that right up.

You’re at peace now, Luke?
Stupid prick. There
is
no peace for you.

You’ve finally found that one person who soothes your soul?
Surprise! She’s your half sister’s aunt. This one-two punch has literally knocked me on my ass and I can’t find any purchase to stand up again.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I want to slip back into the darkness, and hopefully next time I wake this will all be just a horrific nightmare and Addy and I can laugh about it while we’re lounging in bed on a leisurely Sunday afternoon.

I can’t deal with this now any more than I could the last time I woke. I intend to fall again into oblivion, but first, I need to relieve myself before I piss the bed. After a few attempts to stand, I manage to make it to the bathroom. I finish my business and brush my teeth with the toothbrush the hotel gave me and turn on the shower because I stink like I haven’t showered in days. Hell, maybe it has been days. Weeks. I don’t know.

How long have I been here? I honestly don’t remember and right now I can’t make myself care enough to figure it out. All I care about is making sure I have enough liquor to put myself down again.

I take my time in the shower, letting the scalding water sluice over me, wishing it could wash away the beasts that have their teeth firmly planted in me, but it won’t, so I embrace the pain instead. It feels good. Diverts it a little from my heart.

I wash my hair with the cheap shampoo and notice my scruff has grown into almost a full beard, so I must have been here a few days at least. After a good twenty minutes under the spray, I turn off the faucets and dry myself. Rather than put my reeking clothes back on, I wrap a towel around my waist and head back to the bed when I hear a knock on the door.

Glancing at the digital clock, I see it’s after 2:00 p.m. so I assume it’s housekeeping. I haven’t let her in the last two times she’s knocked. I’m feeling so sick at the moment, I couldn’t give a shit if I was buck naked. I need my room cleaned so I can spend the next untold hours dirtying it again. I need my amenities refilled and my bed sheets and towels changed. The entire room smells like dirt, alcohol, and suffering.

I throw open the door but turn before I confirm it’s housekeeping, which in retrospect would have been a damn good idea. The last thing I need is a fucking lecture that makes my ears bleed.

“What in the fuck do you think you’re doing, Luke?” Bigs bellows from my open doorway.

My head drops and my eyes snag the nearly empty bottle of tequila that’s lying on the matted carpet floor beside the rumpled bed. There’s a wet stain around the mouth.
Huh
. That would explain the overwhelming liquor fumes I smell, I guess.

“Your woman is fucking beside herself with worry! Your family is ready to call the goddamn cops if you don’t show your face. Jesus Christ, Luke, what is going on?”

I’m being selfish. I know this. I turned off my phone and haven’t spoken to a single person other than Bigs since I walked out on Addy without one word of explanation. No one knows where I am, why I left, or what I’m doing. When I let myself think about it, I feel like a prick, so I just don’t. Let myself think about it, that is.

“How many brain cells have you killed in the past four days?” he snarls, slamming the door with a loud thud that reverberates for several long seconds through my pounding skull. I deserve that, I guess.

Four days?
I’ve been here for four days already? Time becomes meaningless when you’re sucked into a quagmire of endless agony.

I sit on the edge of the bed, never looking my friend in the eye. I can’t bear to see his condemnation right now. “How did you find me?”

He snorts, taking a seat on the second bed across from me. “Really, Luke? You do remember what we do for a living, right? Or have you forgotten that like everything and everyone else in your life while you have your little fucking pity party? You look like death warmed over, by the way.”

I feel like it. “Get the fuck out. I’m not in the mood to hear your shit.”

“I would deck you right now if I didn’t see how much physical and emotional pain you’re already in. Talk to me, Luke.”

Not able to sit any longer, I lie on my back and blink up at the ceiling, wishing I could go back to a week ago when I was deliriously happy and the only thing I had to worry about was picking out the perfect ring for Addy.

Addy
. God, I physically ache for her right now and have to push back the pussy tears welling in my eyes.

Another knock on the door sounds, along with a disembodied light voice, “Housekeeping.” Great. Now she comes.

“Not now,” Bigs yells.
Yells
. As loudly as possible. Motherfucker.

“I told you when I talked to you that I’d reach out when I was ready, Bigs. Now that you’ve confirmed I’m alive, you can go.”

Out of my peripheral, I watch him look around the room and I cringe at what he sees. Empty bottles everywhere. Dirty, stinky towels scatter the floor. My rancid clothes are strewn all the way from my bed to the bathroom.

His voice softens and his compassion hits me deep. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened to make you like this. I haven’t seen you act like this, Luke, since…” He leaves his sentence hanging; we both know what he means. He hasn’t seen me like this since I was a stupid teenager, trying to chase away my problems with drugs and alcohol.

Once I got my shit straightened out, I never touched drugs again. Didn’t touch alcohol for almost three years. So being drunk off my ass for so many days that I’ve completely lost all sense of time is a big fucking red flag to Bigs. The fact I disappeared at all was the first one. Didn’t take him long to track me down. Yesterday, I had to give the hotel my credit card because I’d run out of cash to pay for the cheap room.

“You’ve talked to Addy?” I ask instead of answering his question.

He sighs heavily, matching my position. “Couple of times, yeah.”

“How is she?”

“How is she? Pissed as hell. Out of her fucking mind. Crying. Jesus, Luke. What the actual fuck, man? I thought you loved her.”

“I do, but shit just got complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

I take my time answering. Speaking the words out loud is hard. Makes them real. “Turns out her sister, Sam, is my dad’s mistress. The one I saw that day leaving his office with a nice fat check in her hand.”

Bigs jackknifes off the bed. “What? That can’t be right.”

“Ah, but it is. Fucked up, right? I mean the woman who helped destroy me is the fucking
sister
of the woman I love more than life itself. What exactly am I supposed to do with that?”

“Are you sure it’s her, LC? I mean…after all these years, could you be
wrong
?”

I finally turn my head and look my friend in the eye. My head throbs and I could drink a gallon of water and still not be sated, but I can’t; my stomach is revolting at even the thought of anything else being dumped into the roiling sea of toxicity.

“I wish I was. The woman in the kitchen that day had a very distinctive dark birthmark on her right cheek. I remember it almost looked heart-shaped, which I thought was ironic. What type of woman with a heart would let someone buy her child off? Addy’s sister has that exact same mark, Bigs. That’s not coincidence. And Landyn? Her niece? Definitely resembles my father. So, no. I’m not fucking wrong.”

He goes silent for a few minutes before finally saying, “You should talk to Addy. Tell her. You’re punishing her for something that’s not even her fault.”

“I’m not punishing her, Bigs. I just…I don’t know what to do. I love her. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I just don’t know how I’m going to get over this hurdle. I need some time to think.”

“Not sure how much thinking you can do when your head’s stuffed in a vat of liquor. Drinking yourself dead isn’t the answer, man. I’ve been telling you for years you need to get this fucking monkey off your back. It doesn’t change the facts, but it spreads the load so you don’t have to carry so much yourself. If you wait much longer, I can tell you that you’ll have one less person to help with that and she’s the best fucking thing to
ever
walk into your life. You fuck this up and you can just accept my resignation now because there is no way in hell I’ll be able to be around your sorry ass after she walks away from you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Fucking try me.” I’ve never heard Bigs more serious than he is right now. After several beats, he adds, “I love you like a brother, Luke, but I’ve watched you suffer with this and what happened in Boston for too long. This shit is eating you up inside. Talk to your mom. Talk to your brothers. Talk to Addy. Fucking talk to someone other than your damn priest because that’s obviously not helping.”

He’s right. I know he’s always been right. Holding this secret in has gotten to the point where it’s now absolutely deadly.

“I’ll think about it.”

Standing, he shakes his head. “You do realize that’s how you always end this conversation. With that bullshit answer. If I don’t hear from you within twenty-four hours, I’m personally coming back here for you and we’re gonna have more than words, so be prepared to have some sense knocked into your sorry ass.” Walking to the door, he turns to me, the knob in his hand. “You have a lot of people who love you, Luke. Who have
always
loved you. Unconditionally. It’s about fucking time you trust in them, lean on them, or you will find yourself completely alone and that would be a travesty. Despite what you believe, you’re a great man.”

And with that dressing down, Bigs walks out, leaving me once again alone in my ocean of misery. I drift off, this time sans alcohol, and dream of the same dark, slithery, happiness-stealing reptiles I did weeks ago. I was determined to fight them then and resolve I’m determined to fight them now.

I just need to figure out how.