LUCIEN: A Standalone Romance (108 page)

              Even more entertaining than the television’s myriad windows into different realities were the literal windows in the townhouse. I loved to gaze out of them, watching all the different people who walked just outside, yards away from me, guessing at their purposes. The soap operas were usually too farfetched to be taken seriously, but the people outside our windows were real.

              Day after day, I started recognizing some of them as commuters who lived in nearby homes. They all had their own lives and jobs to attend to, hefting tote purses and briefcases, opening umbrellas to the rain that slung down from the sky, bundled in scarves to keep out the cold on the more blustery days. They all had their own lives, places to be, things to do.

              But the ones I didn’t recognize were even more intriguing. They carried shopping bags, interlopers in boroughs they rarely frequented, or had cameras slung around their necks and were as enchanted by this city as I was.

              I was too overstimulated to settle down and think about what to do with my own life when there were so many other lives to immerse myself in around me.

              “I can’t say that I’ve ever really been driven,” I lied, trying to keep him from worrying about me. “Is it rent money you want?”

              He actually laughed at me. “Do you think I need rent money?”

              “Well, no, but it’s the principle of the matter….”

              “I don’t need a cent from you, and I don’t want any, either,” he said, taking my hand. “Honestly, I’ve been happy to have a reason to spend money ever since you’ve been here. It’s been really fun.”

              It was my turn to laugh at him. “Poor little rich boy.”

              “I was just raised to know exactly what I was going to be doing,” he said, kissing my hand before releasing it, his eyes far away. “My parents were well to do, but they didn’t want me relying on them. I paid my way through school because they thought it would build character. I amassed some debt, getting my master’s degree, but I started paying it off immediately with my designs.”

              I watched him as he relived his past, drawn in deeper by him than any of the programs I watched on the television or the people who passed by outside. Levi never really talked about himself or his past, so I was eager to glean whatever knowledge I could.

              “When my parents saw the kinds of buildings and houses and theaters I was designing, they knew I’d do big things,” he continued. “But they still didn’t help me, letting me put in my time under bosses and companies with less vision than I had but more money. I did designs I didn’t believe in just to make rent, to make sure I was paying down my debt every month. But I started working my way up, started freelancing, started saving what money I could.”

              “You were driven as hell.” I understood why he was puzzled at my lackadaisical approach. He’d worked hard for everything and had been successful, but I’d been forced to put my life on hold for probably too long. I couldn’t really put my experience in words to help him understand.

              “I took out loans to create my company, when I decided I was ready,” he said, smiling at me. “And the first month, when I knew it was time to make a payment, my accountant informed me that the loans had been paid in full. My parents had watched me work hard and succeed, and they repaid my efforts.”

              “That’s really amazing of them,” I said. How different would my life have turned out if I’d had different parents, been born into a different family, had the kinds of opportunities that Levi had? Maybe I would’ve been a billionaire, too. Or, if not that, at least happy.

              But maybe I was happy right now, lying in bed next to this amazing man. It hurt me just how good he was, how talented to build all of this from nothing, without a single handout from his parents until he’d finally made it.

              I just hoped he never found out how messed up I was.

I thought a lot about what Levi had said, about me needing to figure out what I needed to do with my life. I wasn’t always so sure about just how permanent I was in my life. Maybe that was the deeper reason why I hadn’t really considered a serious career or future. My tragedy had been so complete that I’d drifted for a whole year without direction, and it was going to be difficult to come back from that.

              The only thing I could figure to do, while Levi and I both racked our brains for a solution to my present inaction, was to make sure he knew I cared deeply for him and was thankful for everything he had done for me—and continued to do.

              On a random Tuesday, I had the chef make up a pair of lunches while Levi was working. While she was packing them away into containers, I looked up directions to his architectural firm. It didn’t seem so far, but it required me taking the subway—an experience I hadn’t yet enjoyed. I knew that Levi employed a car to get him to and from the office every day, but I didn’t want to engage its services. I wanted to keep my visit a surprise.

              I got dressed in one of the frocks he’d brought me—a mint-colored one he said contrasted with my hair—strapped on some heels, and covered it all with a nearly floor-length woolen coat. With a quick dusting of makeup, I grabbed my purse and the lunches and was out the door.

              I had to laugh at myself. After all of the people watching I’d been doing, I understood within a couple of blocks why I’d never seen any of the commuters wearing heels. New York just wasn’t the right sized city for stilettos—at least not for me.

              I made it to the station well enough, but the stairs leading down nearly killed me. It was a relief to make it to the train and heave myself into a seat, giving my feet a break as we rocked through the tunnels, arteries of the city above our heads.

              Levi hadn’t taken me by his work since I’d been in the city, even though we’d rambled all over the island and beyond. He probably hadn’t thought about it, more eager to show me the places in New York City everyone else wanted to see. I was certain my grand gesture would please him, bringing him home-cooked food unexpectedly.

              I walked out of the subway station and found myself right in the midst of the world, it seemed like. People crushed around me, all intent on getting to their respective offices or errands or sightseeing. The buildings were so tall when it was just me standing beneath them, and I tried not to gawk. It was practically Christmas, and everyone seemed to be carrying parcels. I loved imagining what was inside of them and who they were going to. The possibilities were endless.

              I followed the directions on my phone until I stood in front of a gorgeous and modern building—a departure from the way Levi decorated his own home. It was all angles and glass and concrete and modern, minimalist white. Even the receptionist on the ground floor wore white—though it could’ve been a random act.

              “Can I help you?” she asked, looking at me and my bags of food.

              “Oh, no,” I said, smiling. “I know where I’m going. And I want to keep it a surprise.”

              “Miss, I have to know where you’re going,” she said. “It’s a matter of security.”

              “Okay.” I resigned to have my secret spoiled right as it was about to happen. “I’m here to see Levi—Levi Morgan. I was going to surprise him with lunch. But you can tell him, if you have to. I understand.”

              Her face softened. “You can go right up—top floor,” she said. “All the office walls are glass, though, so your surprise might be spoiled pretty fast. Sorry I was so adamant. We’ve had some very recent changes to our policies here.”

              “No worries.” I went to the elevator, a little dazzled that it, too, was glass, and rode it to the top. The building was a dizzying fifty stories straight up, and I saw others around it get smaller and smaller from my vantage point in the elevator. It was a good thing I wasn’t afraid of heights—that is, I didn’t think I’d ever had an opportunity like this one to be afraid of heights.

              The view behind me, as the elevator doors rolled open, was just as arresting. The receptionist had warned me that it was all glass, but that still didn’t prepare me for just how beautiful, glittering, and modern it all was. I couldn’t believe that this was Levi’s company, that he came here every day—well, the days when he could pull himself away from me to make it in to the office—and created more beautiful things.

              The very design of the building, this office, in particular, was so different from who I knew Levi and it amused me. At the same time, it made sense. He had parts of him that were old-fashioned—the way he held doors for me, drove me all over the city, spent his money on me. But there were other parts that were modern. He didn’t expect anything out of me, letting me be my own person while pushing me to be better still. He believed in me.

              Seeing this office for the first time was like examining that other part of him, the one who had worked really hard to get to where he was, and the one who had amassed his wealth because of his talent instead of mooching off of his family. I admired that about him, and wished he would tell me more. I ached for that more. I could’ve sat for hours and read books about Levi, if they were out there. I was hungry for knowledge about him. About how he was so amazing. About what had made him like that.

              I walked uncertainly, not sure where I was going in spite of all the glass, until my eyes locked on the biggest office, toward the back of the floor. If the man’s name was on the outside of the building, that’s where he’d be, I wagered. I walked with more confidence, until I saw him, talking with a group of burly men in the same dark suit and ties, all with earpieces in.

              I hesitated, and he happened to turn at the same time, locking eyes with me.

              I smiled and waited for him to return the expression, but he didn’t. He looked puzzled, first, then he paled, like he was frightened. Then, unless I was way off, he was angry, pushing past one of the guys in the suits and out his door to meet me.

              “What are you doing here?” he asked quietly, glancing around at the curious gazes we were getting.

              “I wanted to surprise you,” I said.

              “Well, I’m surprised.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Congratulations.”

              I felt stupid, like I was being fussed at in front of a bunch of strangers. Essentially, I was. Everyone in their stupid glass offices could see us, plain as day. I just didn’t know what mistake I’d made.

              “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Am I not allowed to be here?”

              “It’s not that, Meagan. It’s just…today’s not a good day.”

              Okay. I was pretty sure I understood. “You’re embarrassed of me.”

              “What? I am not.”

              “You’re embarrassed that I’m here,” I said, lifting my chin, keeping my voice as quiet as his. “I’m just fine at home, aren’t I? Hidden away. Out of sight. So you can be someone different here. I’m just something you like to entertain yourself with. A little secret you can keep to yourself.”

              “You’re way off,” he said, crossing his arms. “How did you even get here?”

              “The subway,” I said, and he made a noise in his throat. “What? Is that not allowed, either?”

              “You should’ve told me you were coming,” he said. “Better yet, you should’ve just stayed home.”

              “Fuck you,” I said, smiling as I did so, just for show. People were so busily pretending that they weren’t watching us, straining to hear what we were saying. “You can enjoy your lunch by yourself.” I shoved the bags at him and turned on my heel, stalking through that fishbowl until I got to the elevator, letting the doors slide shut behind me, enjoying the view as the ground came rushing up to meet me.

              How had I screwed up so badly? It didn’t make sense. I thought he would’ve loved the thought I’d put into making his lunch—or at least telling the chef what to make for his lunch—and taking it across the town. In my head, it was romantic, but Levi hadn’t seen it like that. He’d been angry for some reason. Whatever. I wasn’t sticking around to figure out why. He’d had his chance.

              I left the elevator and walked across the lobby, hungry and miserable, smiling at the receptionist before I left. Maybe this building was an indication that there were parts of Levi I didn’t understand—and probably shouldn’t want to understand. Maybe he was a completely different person when he came to work, and I’d somehow upset that balance by showing up unannounced. I realized just how much I didn’t know about him. Should I even be living with him? I’d never felt very unsure of it until now. Maybe I didn’t know him at all. Maybe he was putting on a show for me to lull me into a sense of comfort. To make me trust him.

              I shook my head at myself, disgusted. I’d been fooled once, in that way. How could I let myself get fooled again? Hadn’t I learned anything? Or was I doomed to repeat my mistakes, over and over again, until I died?

              I was wandering, unsure of where to go, my feet hurting in the stupid heels he’d bought me, when someone seized my upper arm.

              I whirled around, swinging my purse and hitting my assailant with it reflexively, when I realized it was Levi.

              “What the fuck?” I demanded. “What’s your problem?”

              “Get in the car,” he said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder, his face grim. A dark SUV was pulled up to the sidewalk behind him, the car he usually took to work. Had he really taken a car to chase me down? How had he known which direction I was going in? How had he found me?

              “No,” I said stubbornly, planting my feet. “I’ll walk.”

              “In those shoes?” He looked at my feet dubiously. “I can tell just by looking that you’re in pain.”

              “You’re the one who bought them.”

              “They’re not walking shoes, Meagan.” He sighed and let go of my arm. “Please get in the car.”

              “Are you going to tell me why you’re embarrassed of me?”

              He laughed, incredulous. “I’m not embarrassed of you. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

              “If you’re not embarrassed of me, then why don’t you want me at your work?”

              “If you get in the car, I’ll explain everything,” he promised. He looked tired, like he’d just run a mile. Had he come running after me once I left? The image should’ve made me smile, but it just made me feel sad. What was going on here?

              “I’ll get in the car, but only because my feet fucking hurt,” I said, pointing my nose in the air and ignoring the hand he offered me to help me to the curb.

              I slid into the back seat, noticing that two of those big men with the dark suits were sitting in the front, one behind the wheel. The one in the passenger’s seat sucked in air between his teeth.

              “Miss, if you don’t mind me saying…you look an awful lot like Matt,” he said. “We miss him. He was a good guy.”

              I didn’t know what to say to that, and was saved from having to say anything as Levi got in beside me and closed the door.

              “Back home, please,” he said. I waited for him to say something, anything, but he sat quietly, looking at his phone. Fine. Two people could play that game. I shoved my face against the window, watching the buildings move by.

              The drive probably wasn’t that long, but it felt like ages, four people in the SUV, and not a word exchanged beyond Levi’s instructions. I thought he’d want to make his explanation now, to alleviate my anger, but he seemed content to let me seethe and boil. Or maybe he didn’t want to have a fight in front of the other men.

              It struck me that they were part of his security team, since one of them had known my brother. He’d been having a meeting with them when I’d shown up.

              We reached the townhouse, finally, and I didn’t wait for Levi to open my door. I pushed it open myself, taking my heels in my hands and walking barefoot up the sidewalk to the house.              The butler opened the door, his lips pursed, before glancing behind me and opening the door wider for both Levi and me.

              “So what the hell was that?” I demanded, following Levi up the stairs. “Answer me, goddammit! I won’t be ignored. I came all the way with some lunch for you and it’s like I did the worst thing in the world.”

              He switched on the bedroom light and sat on the edge of the bed with a long sigh. I refused to sit down beside him until I understood what was going on.

              “Right as you got there, to my work, I was dealing with a security situation,” he said. “That was all. It startled me to see you there, at that moment. I’m sorry that I was rude. It was kind of you to bring lunch. I usually have working lunches, so you don't have to feel like you have to do that anymore.”

              “That was all?” I demanded, putting my hands on my hips. “I interrupted a security meeting and startled you? You were a total asshole, Levi. You made me feel like shit.”