LOW: A Rockstar Romance (46 page)

Chapter Twenty

Jax

The green room smelled like stale cigarettes. Ghosts of all the bands who'd sat here, nervously killing time before the show started. Smoking was terrible for my voice, but when Toad shook his pack at me, I gratefully accepted a butt.

I wasn't nervous about playing, I told myself. I was nervous because of who would be watching tonight.

Liliana said she'd come, and so I knew she would. She had never let me down, and I couldn't imagine her doing it now. Not after that wild-eyed look she had given me when I asked her to come tonight.

I inhaled deeply, feeling the sharp sting of the smoke filling my lungs and hoping it would push out the memory of her coming apart around my fingers. If I started down that train of thought, I would never be able to focus onstage.

When she left me, I spiraled down pretty quickly, and Annie bundled me off to her high-priced therapist before I caused her a scandal. It was, predictably, a waste of time for all of us. Blah, blah, my mother was never an appropriate mother, bullshit, bullshit—but one thing I did learn was that I needed to make things up to all of the people I'd wronged if I ever had hope of feeling good again.

I went home that evening and I wrote an apology in the form of a poem. Then I set that poem to music. I locked myself in my hotel room for three full days, recording on a four-track. Then I went across the hall.

Greg Fingers and Bash were in the suite, which was totally normal. Thank God it was them, and not my mother, because if it had been her that answered my knock, I would have never had the nerve to do what I did next.

"Hey, can I play something for you guys?"

"Lay it on me," Greg drawled in his slightly slurred speech. He wasn't drunk, he just perpetually sounded that way after, in his words, "smoking something weird."

"You joinin' the family business?" Bash was twitching with his usual pent-up energy and it made me so nervous I didn't answer him. Instead I just pressed play.

And the song that would become “Cocky” was let loose onto the world.

It was a song for Lily, but I still didn't know what she thought of it.

Tonight, I would find out.

There was an echoing sound of footsteps in the concrete hallway below the stage. Toad and Casper looked up from their tuning. Banks licked his thumb and dog-eared the battered paperback he had on his lap, then stretched his fingers out one by one. Talon restlessly tapped his knees, drumming out a staccato beat.

The stage manager poked her harried looking face into the door. "Five more minutes, guys." She rushed away before we could even thank her.

"All right, guys," I said, standing up and stretching. This was our first club appearance, the first of many to come. I felt like I should say something momentous, but the only thing that came to me was, "Let's blow the roof off this fucker."

"Well said." Banks smirked.

I clapped him on the shoulder. "Let's go, Juilliard. Tonight's gonna get your elitist ass laid like you wouldn't believe."

"Fuck yeah!" Toad pogoed in place twice before bounding down the hall ahead of us.

"Slow down!" Casper called. "No one's here to see your ugly bassist ass!" He clapped me hard on the back. "You ready?" he asked me, suddenly serious.

I clenched my fists. Everyone was here tonight to see
me.
Yeah, sure, maybe they were curious about my mom, but they paid to hear
me
sing, and that's what I meant to do.

And Liliana was here to see it.

I nodded. "Too fucking ready. Let's go."

The house music died down and the lights dimmed. From the wings, I looked out to see the whole club washed in blue light, my signature color. Talon nodded and headed out to the drum kit, to wild applause. I grinned and gave Casper a small shove forward, and he, Toad, and Banks filed out to grab their instruments.

I hung back, waiting, listening to the crowd. "Jax! Jax! Jax!" Fuck, that was
my
name they were screaming. I'd seen this scene a million times before, waiting in the wings during my mother's shows, hearing the adulation of the crowd as they screamed for her, but tonight, those cheers belonged to
me
.

Talon counted the beats and the heavy bass of “Cocky” thudded through the speakers. It sounded so much different live, so much better. The crowd hesitated, hanging on like one great beast sucking in its breath.

Then I walked on stage and they exploded.

I felt the beat move through me and the words came fast and true. Like I had been born for this. And dammit,
I was fucking born for this.

"You got it right… babe…"
I held the note a little bit longer as the guys upped the tempo, letting the strobe lights flicker around us before we crashed together as one into the song that had made my name. The song I wrote in private—for the only girl I had ever loved—now belonged to everyone.

I lifted my head and looked for her, but the lights blinded me, and I had no idea where she could be. I could only hope that she was out there, watching me, listening as I sang directly to her.

Chapter Twenty-One

Liliana

Remember how I said I was always late?

I never expected to fall asleep. But my sudden burst of clarity seemed to be all that I needed to finally be able to close my eyes and sleep away the jet-lag that had dogged me since I landed here.

When I woke up, I was relaxed and refreshed. And really fucking late for Jax's show.

I called the cab while I threw on the closest approximation to a club outfit I owned—a soft jersey tee that I slung over a bright neon purple tank top and a pair of jeans with sparkles on the ass. My version of dressing up. I debated over whether I should put on heels or not, but the only pair I had brought with me from New York were the ones I planned on wearing to the wedding, and knowing my luck, I'd break them beforehand. A pair of ballet flats would suffice.

Besides, Jax liked that I was small. I grinned at the mirror when I imagined how he'd show his appreciation.

It doesn't have to mean anything.

When the cab let me off, I thought he had got the address wrong. Jax said “club,” so I was expecting something small and intimate. Someplace where I could sit down with a glass of wine and watch him sing.

This place was the exact opposite of that.

The music that blared whenever the doors opened to the street was so loud that I froze in place.

He was playing “Cocky.” Right now.

I hung back and traced my fingers along the crumbling stucco. Did it matter to me? Was I upset? There was something still there, a ball of hurt inside of my chest that was still tender and bruised. But I had moved past that, hadn't I?

It doesn't have to mean anything.

I would just wait here until the song was over and then I'd go inside. He would never be the wiser.

Thankfully, I couldn't hear the lyrics, so I was free to bounce on my toes to the infectious beat. I felt a small spike of pride as I watched two tall blondes rush up to the entrance, frantic over missing “our song.”

"God, he is just the hottest thing," one gushed as the bouncer glowered at her ID.

"Can you imagine being the girl he wrote it for?"

"She probably has no idea how lucky she is."

"Can you imagine how amazing he must be in bed?" They tittered together before they moved inside.

Yes, I could.

I stepped up to the bouncer, who was easily as wide as I was tall. "Liliana Nesbit?" I shouted. "I should be on the list?"

One eyebrow went up. "You're in the VIP section, miss," he rumbled, suddenly deferential. "Right this way."

I followed him into the dark, wild mass of the club. The overhanging balcony obscured the stage from view, but I did get a good look at the two blondes, desperately screaming Jax's name.

He led me through a maze of levels, until he suddenly emerged into a private lounge. One with a perfect view of the stage below.

"Holy shit," I breathed, but my voice was drowned out in the roar of applause as the drummer pounded out the intro to the next song.

It was like the world narrowed down to a pinpoint, only large enough for me to see him. Jax strode across the stage as smooth and dangerous as a wildcat before he crouched down low and began to sing.

I gripped the railing to keep from falling over the balcony. He was electric, a force of nature. He worked the crowd like an instrument, playing our emotions as skillfully as his guitar. We moved when he told us to move, we screamed when he told us to scream, and when it was all over and I was shouting his name along with everyone else, I was just as breathless and desperate as I was when he pinned me against the wall.

The last encore was still ringing in my ears as I tore back down the stairs and shoved my way to far wall. Claustrophobia clawed at my throat as I fought my way along the wall and toward the front of the club.

Jax was there, crouching on stage, clutching the outstretched hands that reached for him, wanting a piece of him, wanting everything he had to give and more. I shoved as hard as I could, worming my way through the small spaces no one else could fit, until I finally popped up right at the gate. "Jax!" I screamed.

He wheeled at the sound of my voice. I waved frantically. He nodded in the direction of security and I suddenly found myself hoisted over the barrier. "Jax!" I called again.

"Thank you and goodnight!" he boomed into the mic, then pointed toward the booth. The house lights popped on and I could finally see all of him.

When he looked at me, I understood what it meant to be devoured. The dark hunger in his eyes set my skin alight, and I knew he saw the same look in my eyes. Seeing him on stage had lit a firestorm of need in my belly.

I shivered. We were in full view of the dispersing crowd, of security, of his band. Surely he wasn't so reckless…

"You were here the whole time?" he called. There was something tight at the edges of his voice that told me the question was more important than it seemed.

"Yes," I lied.
One song. What did it matter?

That was the answer he needed to cross the space between us in two leaps. I gasped as he tugged me to his side and wheeled around, pressing us both through a small gray door at the bottom of the stage.

He wheeled us through the rabbit warren of rigging below until we emerged into a concrete hallway that must have run along the wings. The kind of place I had been in a million times before, but never like this. Never with Jaxson so desperate and wild and
unhinged.

"Get the fuck out," he snarled to the people in the green room. Heat flared in a blush across my cheeks, and I looked down as the band filed silently past us. Meaningless or no, this was a hell of a risk to be taking…

Then he slammed the door behind us and I was no longer able to think.

"I've waited an entire year to sing to you." He leaned against the doorway and let his head fall back. Every line in his body spelled relief, but I couldn't understand why.

"You were really good," I told him.

"You liked it?"

His eyes were so damn blue.

"I loved it." I smiled at him.

"Ah, fuck, Bit." He lifted his hand and caught my wrist, pulling me to him. "I'm so glad," he said, touching my face and tilting it up to his. "I am so fucking glad to hear that."

Now that we were inside of that small room, with its few scattered couches, folding table left by craft services and the whiff of cigarettes of yesteryears in the air, some of the high that had propelled me to him began to wear off. It was one thing to decide I was using him for sex while sitting alone in bed. It was quite another thing to be standing here, watching dark desire shadow his face as he looked at me after closing the door.

"I'm so glad you came," he said thickly.

I felt like I couldn't get enough breath. The slinking, wild animal on the stage now had me cornered and looked very close to devouring me whole. "Me too," I managed. My voice was a wobbly wisp.

"I've missed you. So much." He was
right there
, filling up the entire room. There seemed to be so much
more
of him than there should be, but that wasn't what made me afraid.

I was afraid of how eager I was to believe him.

"I missed you too." It wasn't a lie.

"Fuck."

That was all, just one guttural curse, but there was so much frustration and longing bound up inside of it that I felt like my knees would collapse. He caught me as I sagged against him and roughly cupped the back of my head with his hands. "I want you, and I need to hear that I can have you."

A tingle shot up my spine. "You can have me," I said, unaware that he was walking us backwards until the small of my back bent against the folding table.

"Tell me how you want it, Liliana." He punctuated each word with a fiery kiss down my neck, seeking lower and lower each time. "Do you want it gentle and sweet? I could be sweet for you, you know. If that's what you want."

I bit my lip hard to keep from moaning out as he lifted me onto the table and bent me back. The hard metal table was cold against my arms and colder still as he lifted my T-shirt and flicked a tongue around my navel. The fire that lit when I saw him on stage suddenly flared hotter, burning away the last trace of rational thinking I possessed.

"No," I told him, grabbing a fistful of electric blue hair and yanking him toward my mouth. "I want you
wild
…"

He growled his approval into my neck and snaked his hands down my arms, interlacing his fingers into mine before yanking both arms upward and pinning them above my head. "Then that's what you're going to get, Bit." He pinned both my arms down easily with one strong hand. Brushing a kiss past my lips, he reached down and yanked my shirt up, exposing my naked belly. I felt his eyes slide up my skin, focusing on my breasts. "These were always my favorite," he rasped, reaching under me deftly. "I think I want to start right here."

I arched toward him, letting him tear my clothes off over my head before he fell upon me. "Yes," I urged him as he lay down a trail of biting kisses from my left collarbone up the swell of my breast. I knew he was going to leave marks on me, but somehow I didn't care. I wanted it to be real and I wanted it to hurt a little. I wanted the sting left on my skin when I walked away from this with the knowledge that it had actually happened.

Jax was murmuring into my skin, a string of filthy curse words jumbled together with the promises of what was coming next. "…so goddamn beautiful, you know that?" His tongue curled around my nipple, dragging his teeth lightly against the sensitive skin. "…you better fucking know that. You better, unh, admire this body in the mirror every fucking day." I arched again, feeling the fire collecting in my lower spine. "…fuck yeah, that's right, I want to hear you…" I bit my lip. "…don't you fucking hold back on me. Tell me. Tell me how good this feels. "

He raked his hands down my belly and deftly undid my jeans. When his palm cupped over the mound between my legs, a gasp tore from my throat. "…again, Lily. Holy fuck, I wish you could see your face right now. I'd take a fucking picture but I don't think I could risk anyone ever seeing you like this except me. I'm not fucking sharing this. I'm gonna taste you now, you ready? I want you to come all over my face. I want to feel you go wild around my fingers before I fuck you senseless. Does that sound good to my Bit?"

All the while he was talking he had been alternately pressing and rubbing with the heel of his hand. He hadn't even taken off my panties yet, but I could already feel it gathering. The slow heat pulled down all of my limbs until I was nothing but a nervous system intent on the sensation. "More, Jax," I told him. I wanted to sound sexy but instead I sounded pleading. "Give me more."

"Holy shit, do you hear how amazing you sound?" He yanked down my panties before I could answer him, not that I could once his mouth was on me. "I want you to…" His words dissolved into muffled grunts, little mmms of ecstasy as he took my clit gently between his lips and began to suck. When his thick finger slipped inside of me, I felt myself clutch it desperately. Alternating between licks and thrusts, he dragged me closer and closer to the edge of sanity. I reached out, desperate for something to hold onto, to keep me from falling, falling so hard into the abyss.

I found the edge of the table just as the world split open. From low in my belly, the aching ball rolled upwards and outwards, so slow it took over everything until it suddenly cracked open. "Fuck!" I screamed as I shook so hard the table rattled underneath me, not even caring if anyone heard, if anyone saw, if anyone knew how crazy it was for me to believe this meant nothing at all.

Because from the very edge of my sight I could see him watching me. His whole focus was on me, his lips parted, his eyes wide. "Goddamn it, Bit, you were holding out on me before."

"No I wasn't," I protested weakly.

"Yeah. You were." He grinned, his lips, covered in me. "And now that I know what the real thing looks like…" His voice trailed off again as he stood up and lifted his shirt over his head.

…it doesn't have mean anything…

The harder I tried to hold onto that thought, the more slippery it became. I fumbled for it, trying like hell to remember that this was nothing more than a last fling before the wedding, but when Jax’s mouth covered mine again, all of my thoughts abandoned me, including that one. Instead thoughts of
him
invaded my brain; how he felt under my hands, his skin so warm it was almost scalding. How his heart raced under my fingertips as I kissed a trail down the center of his chest. How both our hands went to his belt buckle, and he swatted mine away with an impatient grunt. How I tried to take him into my mouth once he was freed from his boxers, but he caught my face in his hands and kissed me again and there were suddenly no barriers between us. I pressed against him, needing to feel every inch of my skin covered in his.

"I'm clean," he murmured into my mouth. "I can show you the papers, but I'm promising you right now, I'm clean. I got tested the minute I heard you were coming home."

I laughed against his lips. “You just assumed you'd be fucking me? Oh my God, you are so fucking cocky."