Loving the White Liar (25 page)

And it was, on both our parts. As much as I wanted to, I was having a hard time forgiving him. Jayden’s resentment stemmed from the promise I’d made almost a year ago: my promise to never leave him. The distance between us was growing at an alarming rate and yet no part of me wanted to be away from him. No part of me was resigned to give up. Somehow, I’d become afraid of the carefree heart I so desperately needed to embrace and hold onto.

Staring into space at work, weeks after my blowup, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge for answers. I needed help and I needed it desperately. I picked up my purse and informed Marcy that I just needed a day. She seemed to understand and let me slip out of work quietly. I began to drive around aimlessly, trying to think of a way to get a piece of what Jayden and I had back. I loved him more than ever. Our life together was beautiful...until it wasn’t. I couldn’t understand how something so incredible could turn into something so damned hopeless. I still craved him like a drug...his smile, his embrace, his friendship. And I was also denying myself sexually as well as Jayden. I needed our connection back, and for some reason I couldn’t allow myself to believe in it. He was trying so hard, so why wasn’t I? I drove for an hour before stopping the car to let my emotion go. He hadn’t had another episode in months. I couldn’t understand the source of my unrest. I needed something...anything. An idea dawned on me and I quickly Googled the address.

“Dr. Sawyer?” An older, attractive but slightly frail man with gray hair at his temples turned to me as he fumbled with keys to his office door.

“Hilary?” His smile was warm and I returned it right before my face crumbled.

“Oh, no,” he said, quickly opening his office door and ushering me in.

“I’ve been hoping for the chance to meet you,” he said, rounding his mess of a desk to grab a tissue. And when I say mess, I mean the office was filled to the brim with books and scattered papers. I looked around me in utter shock he was able to function this way.

“I bet you are wondering how your husband makes it through a session without having a spell.” He smirked before sitting down behind a larger stack.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” I sniffed.

“He makes do. He’s gotten a lot better at ignoring it.” Dr. Sawyer studied me carefully as I got myself together. “You know as his therapist, I’m not really supposed to discuss Jayden’s case without his permission.

“I know,” I croaked. “I just...I was driving and I kept driving and then I Googled you and I came here.”

Well, that was pathetic.

“We can talk about you. Let’s do that. I have an appointment in an hour.” He sat back in his seat, smoothing down his tie. “Jayden’s told me a lot about you.”

“I’m sure you never thought I’d show up as a blubbering idiot at your door,” I offered sheepishly. “I’m just so lost. I don’t know how to help him.”

“I’m listening,” he said warmly. His demeanor was open and inviting. I could see why Jayden trusted him.

“When he first told me he had ADHD, I didn’t give it a second thought. I kind of ...” I paused, embarrassed at my confession, “waved it off like it was no big deal. God, what an idiot, right?”

“It’s absolutely common,” he encouraged, “go on.”

“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t care when he told me, or it didn’t matter. I just didn’t realize how much...”I looked up at him again, my eyes watering. “How hard this would be...I love him more than anything. I do.”

“Hilary, it’s common practice for those who do not live with ADHD or any other disorder not to have full knowledge of its effects, or even try to conceptualize what living with it is like. You would be surprised how many people walk into relationships with this type of disorder simply expecting a hyperactive personality who needs a learning curve.”

“That’s so not what I’ve been living with,” I said as fresh tears surfaced.

“No, it certainly isn’t,” he agreed. “But you are here and you care enough to seek out answers, so I’d say it’s a good step in the right direction.”

“I’m pulling away from him, he can feel it. I can’t deny it. I want to stop it.”

“Then you recognize the problem,” he said, offering me another tissue, which I accepted.

“I just want to be able to trust in us again, you know, without the worry of the rest of it. But more than that, I want to understand what he’s dealing with.”

He looked at me for a beat and then nodded. “I can’t exactly help you with the first part, but I would like to think I may be able to help with the second. Let me sum it up for you the way it was for me when I was first introduced.” He leaned forward and put his hand in a fist then knocked once on his desk.

Let’s pretend this is your world. He leaned forward again, making sure he had my attention, and knocked on his desk once.

“Now, let’s hear it in Jayden’s world.” He began knocking on the desk repeatedly.

“Your world and what you hear ...” He knocked only once. “Jayden’s world ...” Again he began to knock on the desk with the same emphasis but repeatedly.

I sat back in my chair, completely stunned. “That’s what it’s like for him?”

“In a way, his mind is constantly processing, racing with thoughts, and a constant changing of the channel. Imagine sitting in front of a TV where the channel clicks on a different station every ten seconds or so.”

“Jesus, that would drive me insane,” I said, looking at my ring.

“It’s not easy but it’s manageable with some coping skills and prescribed medications.”

“Jayden won’t take medication. I’m sure you know that.”

“I’m aware. Again, let’s talk about you.”

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling guilty as I sat at his doctor’s desk, reaching for answers I should be able to get from my husband.

“I feel guilty. I know I should ask him these questions. I should be able to, but he shuts down on me. He won’t even discuss it, really. He’ll clue me in on things from time to time. He’s always been open about
having
it, but it’s like now...I don’t know, when I ask him—”

“Do you ask him or do you confront him?” I sat back, still thumbing my ring and biting my lip.

“I consider myself even tempered. I’ve been upset with him at times and downright confrontational at other times when he lies to me.”

“Of course you have,” he said, doing his best to ease my nerves. He circled his desk before sitting down beside me. “It’s human nature. Men and women meet, fall in love, and get married. The first year of marriage will always take some adjustment, no matter how functional the couple may be. There is, more often than not, a slight struggle for power. In this day in age, it’s more common of a power struggle as to who will wear the pants. Give and take. It all takes some adjusting. You are still in the honeymoon phase where emotions run high, feelings are more easily hurt, and hurts are a lot harder to brush off due to the newness of the relationship. Throw in hormones, testosterone, the daily grind, bills, unforeseen problems and emergencies, and you have a whirlwind of new feelings to deal with. Now throw in the fact that one of the partners has ADHD where all of the above are more likely to occur, and you have a recipe for a very hard honeymoon phase.”

“Great, so we’re screwed.” I sighed, crossing my legs and shaking my head slowly.

“Are you?” He gave me an inquisitive look. “You seem like a smart girl, so I’m going to give you a choice here. I can give you the text book version or tough love.”

His new tone stunned me and I couldn’t help the nervous laughter that came out. “Give it to me tough, Dr. Sawyer.”

He stood immediately and began to write on a large dry erase board. He kept silent as I watched him write in large red letters.

- SOCIAL CUES

- HYPER FOCUS

- IMPULSE CONTROL

- RESTLESSNESS

- EXPLOSIVE TEMPERAMENT/SUDDEN OUTBURST OF EMOTION

- SOCIAL ANXIETY/FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Knowing a few of the terms because of my online reading, I was suddenly excited that I would have a more in depth explanation and not only that, from the man who had watched my husband grow up and had treated him since his diagnosis.

“I can’t thank you enough for this,” I said sincerely. He looked back at me and smiled before giving me a mock scowl. “Don’t thank me yet, this is tough love.”

I scowled back with humor. “Right.” But the truth was, I already felt better. Maybe just talking to someone was all I needed.

“Okay, so let’s start with some of the symptoms of ADHD. Loss of focus, or attention deficit, as aptly named, being the primary.”

“Honestly, it seems like the least of our issues. I’ve never really had a hard time with that. Some days he’s full of energy and can talk for hours without a breath, which can drive me up the wall, but most of the time it’s entertaining. He usually exhausts himself at work to spend himself enough so when he comes home he can sleep or enjoy down time with me. Even then he has to drink a bucket of coffee to be able to slow down. He does seem to have a hard time with remembering details I’ve told him repeatedly. Sometimes I know he couldn’t have possibly heard a word I said. I mean some of it’s a pain in the ass, but it’s not a deal breaker. He shocks me with the things he does remember and every once in a while leaves me stunned with how much he knows about things I don’t have a clue about. He’s extremely intelligent. That’s why it baffles me when he goes to the store and forgets why he was there in the first place and will have to call me to remind him, but it’s never really bothered me much.”

Dr. Sawyer smiled. “And he will continue to call you for the remainder of your marriage. This is one thing I want to make pointedly clear, especially without medication. All of the problems, or things you deem may be issues, including all of the same arguments you are having now, could likely be the very same arguments you will have...indefinitely.”

I sat, stunned. “Pardon?”

“It is very, very, likely that you will have the same arguments for as long as you are married.”

“I mean surely there is something we can do. I can text him a list every time he makes a store run, right? I mean, I can help him navigate in some way.”

“And that’s the way your partner needs you to think. Often times it’s the partner of ADHD’s—in this case
your
thinking—we must adjust in order to maintain the relationship. If you can deal with the fact that you will need to
expect
a call every time he goes to run what you think is a ‘simple’ errand, then
you
have already made progress. By suggesting a solution like simply helping him with a list, you are meeting him halfway.”

“So I need to change my line of thinking?”

“You need to choose your battles, and in a way, yes, your way of thinking. Then again, that is all dependent on what you
are
thinking. If the words ‘if he would simply change this, or I need him to fix’ are in your vocabulary, your frustration will only increase. What other’s would seem an acceptable number of allowances for their partners errors and inexcusable deeds you will need to multiply times a thousand and then a million and that’s the allowances you will need to endure in an ADHD relationship. Make no mistake, there is a huge difference between recognizing the disorder and putting up with your husband as an adult male. And by learning the signs of what is at play, you can navigate just how to react to any situation.”

I swallowed thickly. “In other words, sometimes he’s just going to be a man and give me shit.”

“Precisely. Cause and effect, knowing is half the battle. The good news is you are dealing with ADHD as a whole. This disorder and symptoms go hand and hand to make up the entirety of their personality. There is no sick ADHD and well ADHD. There is simply ADHD.

“And when you say ADHD, you mean Jayden.”

He continued without hesitation. “The reason for me saying this is because ADHD and bipolar disorder are commonly misdiagnosed, one for the other. Some ADHD behaviors reflect those who suffer from bipolar disorder, but they are two distinctly different disorders. Where bipolar disorder patients often have cyclic emotional highs and lows in episodes that last far longer, are more sporadic and can come on without warning, ADHD patients can experience the same range of emotions in a span of hours and days. Bipolar episodes often last for weeks or months. At any time on any day, depending on what may arise, ADHD patients’ reactions will fit the situation, and no matter the response, it is often short lived. ADHD outbursts are always a direct result of their reaction to the environment.”

I nodded, knowing that was the truth of the matter.

“Social anxiety and emotional outbursts, I’m sure you are familiar. These go hand and hand with what we’ve just discussed.”