Loving Lily Lavender (10 page)

I wondered if anyone else had ever felt such pain. At that
moment, it felt like I was the only one—suffering alone. Would I ever be myself
again? I knew the answer to that, but somehow it just didn’t seem possible.

There was no way for me to doubt any longer that I was deeply and
desperately in love with Lucas Lavender. But there was also no way for me to
know how he felt about me. After all, he left me. It felt hopeless, the
heaviness in my heart so overwhelming I couldn’t even breathe, and yet, I knew
my God could work it out. But I couldn’t seem to find my way to the surface—even
to pray.

I was lying in my bed with a box of tissues by my side when
Meagan entered. “I brought you a cup of hot chocolate just like your mom use to
make us when we were little.” She curled up in bed with me as we sipped on our
hot mugs. “I miss your mom. She would know what to do for you in a time like
this.” She paused and took a few sips of her steaming drink. “Remember when we
use to take turns sliding down the stairs in the laundry basket and your mom
had to repaint the back of the front door because we marked it up so bad from
slamming into it. She was so mad at us.” We both laughed at the memory.

“Yeah, and remember when we use to take bubble baths in her giant
claw-foot tub and soaked the floor so badly she had to retile it. She was not
happy about that.”

“When we got together we sure did know how to anger her,” she
continued. “We’ve shared a lot of memories together, haven’t we? Remember that
time you fell out of Miss Pearl and broke your arm?”
Miss Pearl is the name
I gave the giant tree in my backyard.

“I didn’t fall out of that tree, you pushed me.”

“Serves you right for calling me Pagan.”

“Well, if the shoe fits. Listen Meg, I know what you’re trying to
do, and I appreciate it, but this is nothing like a broken arm. I’m not sure
this is something I can heal from.”

“I know it feels that way now, but you will, and I’ll do whatever
I can to help you.”

I glanced at her and tears filled my eyes. Meagan has always been
there for me, and it warmed my heart to know this time was no different. I can
always count on her. “I love him, Meagan. Why did he have to leave me?” 

She laid down her mug and pulled me into her arms. “He loves you
too, Lily. He just doesn’t know what to do about it yet. When the pain gets too
great he’ll figure out a way. Then he’ll be back.”

I raised my head to gaze at her, my face wet with fresh tears.
“Do you really believe that?”

“Of course. He’d be a fool to let someone like you get away.
Besides, I saw the way he looked at you, like he was a little boy afraid of the
dark and you were his only source of light. And the way he always stayed so
close to you, like you were his lifeline or something. I’ve never seen anything
like it in my life. He’ll be back, once his pain gets too hard to bear, you’ll
see.”

“Thanks, Meg. I’m glad you’re here with me.”

“Where else would I possibly be?”

The days passed in a blur, but eventually I began to become aware
of my surroundings. It was Meagan who pulled me out completely one morning as
she stomped angrily into my bedroom.

“Okay, that does it! You’ve been lying around here for days now,
moping, not eating, and crying all the time. It’s time for you to wake up and
get back into life. Okay, you have a broken heart, and I know you’re hurting. I
get it, but I can’t just sit here, day after day, and watch you suffer. I love
you too much for that.

“Now, you’ve got a wedding to plan and only a little over a week
to do it. Aaron keeps calling here, and she’s really starting to panic. She
says she promises not to be any more trouble if you’ll come back. I told her
you were sick, but I don’t know what else to tell her. I’ll be glad to help
you, but you’ve got to get up so we can get to work.” She sat down on the bed
beside me, took my hand in hers, and looked intently into my eyes. “Lily, she’s
counting on you.”

That statement alone brought me back, and I snapped up, went
swiftly into the bathroom, and got in the shower. I came out with a new resolve
and determination to give the wedding my one hundred percent attention. “This
will be the best wedding I’ve planned so far,” I declared.

I used the newfound motivation to keep my days so full I hardly
had time to breathe let alone dwell on missing Lucas.

It worked wonderfully until the Wednesday before the wedding. I
was checking my mail when I came across an envelope with only my name typed on
it. There was no stamp, so someone must’ve physically put it in my mailbox. I
opened the envelope and pulled out a page from a magazine. I unfolded it and
saw a small article and above it a picture. As I studied it, I quickly
recognized Lucas. He was sitting in a café talking to an attractive woman.

“Great, just what I needed,” I murmured. “I was just starting to
make progress and now this. Who could’ve sent this to me anyway?”

As I studied the photo closely, I noticed that Lucas didn’t
particularly look happy. Actually, neither did the woman. Were they having an
argument? It almost looked like it. I don’t know if that made me feel better or
worse. After all, he would have to know her pretty well to argue with her.

No matter what the case, it seemed as if he had clearly moved on.
Dwelling on that thought made me angry and the motivation returned. If he could
move on, so could I. I had work to do, and so I pushed the pain aside and got
busy. I knew the pain would be there waiting for me when the wedding was
over—but that was another day.

The wedding was extraordinarily beautiful, and, just like I thought,
it was the best wedding I’d planned thus far. The final days were hectic, but
it all pulled together rather nicely. And, I had to admit, I was quite happy
with myself.

As it came to a close, however, I found myself struggling with an
unfamiliar emotion, that of envy. As I watched Aaron and Josh say their vows,
and witnessed again their love for each other, I longed for what they had. No
matter what else happened they had their love, and they knew it. I wanted to
feel that certainty, and more importantly, I wanted to feel it with Lucas.

The wedding was over, the guests were gone, everything was
cleaned up and taken away, but the pain was there—waiting to swallow me just
like I knew it would be. I could try to resist it, but I knew it was useless. I
was far too gone for that.

When I got home, I was exhausted. I put my things down on the bar
and glanced to the answering machine. The light was blinking. I pushed the
button and my heart jumped in my chest at the sound of Lucas’ voice. “Lily, call
me when you get this message. I need to talk to you.”

The second message was Lucas again, “Lily, please call me back. It’s
important.”

The last message was Meagan, “Lily, Lucas called me. He’s trying
to reach you. He wouldn’t say what he wanted. I reminded him that today was the
wedding. He had forgotten. I’ll try you on your cell.”

Oh, I had forgotten that I silenced my phone during the ceremony.
I pulled it out and checked my missed calls. Sure enough I missed two calls
from Lucas and two from Meagan. Well, I didn’t want to talk to him anyway. He
probably just wanted to talk his way out of that photograph, but I wasn’t
giving him the chance.

As hard as I tried I couldn’t stop thinking about his calls.
So
much for my moving on theory.
I was very tempted to pick up the phone and
call him. I really wanted to hear his voice, to see how he was doing, but I
knew it would hurt too much later, so I resisted the urge.

I went upstairs to change, pulling on my favorite comfy jeans and
my Yoda t-shirt, and judging by the fit of it, I’d lost some weight. I pulled
my hair up into a loose ponytail, allowing a few curls to fall free, and headed
to the kitchen for a glass of tea.

Just then, I heard the familiar ring of my cell phone. I checked
my caller I.D. and recognized Meagan’s number. “Hey, Meg….Yes I got the
messages….No, I’m not calling him back. He’s probably just trying to explain
about that photograph, and I don’t want to hear his excuses. And I really don’t
want to talk about this. I’m just now starting to feel better. I don’t want to
have to start all over again….You did what? I just fainted. Why did you have to
tell him about that? You can’t manipulate him into coming back. I don’t want
him like that. Is there something you’re not telling me?....Then why do you
want me to call him back so badly?....Well, I’m not calling him. Goodbye,
Meagan. I’ll talk to you tomorrow if I’ve forgiven you by then.” I snapped the
phone closed.

After I counted to ten, I began yet another conversation with
myself. First angry, “I can’t believe she told him about my fainting spell!”
Then smiling, “Although, she did say he was unnerved about it.” The angry
again, “Well good! Let him be upset, serves him right!” I sighed. “Oh, what am
I saying? I missed him like crazy. Maybe I
should
call him.”

I had the phone in hand and my finger on the button when I heard
the doorbell ring. I stuck my phone in my pocket and headed toward the front.
As I approached the door, I spotted a black car through the narrow window and
gasped. Could it be? With great anticipation, I flung the door open wide and
was thunderstruck at the man standing before me. Yes—there he stood, just as
gloriously handsome as I remembered, and I fought hard to regulate my
breathing. Lucas smiled exuberantly when he saw me and let out a deep sigh of
relief as if he’d been holding his breath. If my heart could’ve been any
happier it would’ve stopped. We stared at each other for a long moment.

“Lily,” he finally said, swallowing hard, “I have something I
have to tell you.” His expression turned from glee to nervousness in a split
second.

“Wait one minute,” I said, holding up my finger. I turned and ran
swiftly to the kitchen and retrieved the magazine photo, anger replacing joy.

I stepped out onto the porch, shutting the door behind me.
“Before you start, do you mind explaining this to me?” I handed it to him. “Why
did you bother coming back here? It’s obvious you’ve moved on.” I tried to
maintain self-control, but I have to admit, it wasn’t easy.

He smiled widely as he studied the photo. “Lily, this is my
agent, Jane Prato. She wanted to meet with me when I returned home. She was
angry that I had returned in worse shape than when I left. Surely you didn’t
think anything of this.” His expression was questioning.

Relief crossed my face. I felt ashamed that I had jumped to the
wrong conclusion. “As a matter of fact, I did think something of it. Why
wouldn’t I?”

“Lily, don’t you know how I feel about you?”

“No, actually I don’t.”

“Well, that’s what I came to talk to you about.” He dropped the
photo and moved down the steps and onto the grass, pacing nervously. “I’ve been
such a mess since I left here. I mean, more than usual.” He turned to gaze up
at me, sweat forming on his brow. “Lily—you have touched my life in such a way
that I am irreversibly altered forever, and because of that my normal is
foreign to me now. I can’t go back to my life in L.A. and be comfortable there
anymore. I’ve tried that. For two weeks now, I’ve tried, and it’s been the most
miserable existence. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t even concentrate on
the most minimal tasks.

“But the thing is, when I was here with you it was the most
normal I’ve ever been, like somehow I’m meant to be here.”

An expression of hope crossed my face as I began to allow my
heart to hope. “What are you saying, Lucas?” My heart was pounding so hard I
could barely hear over it.

“What I’m saying is—Lily—I am utterly and irrationally, in the
craziest kind of way, in love with you. Now, I know it’s ridiculous to think
that someone so together, like you, could love someone such a mess, like me,
but that’s what I’m asking. I’m asking you to love me, Lily. Please say that
you love me.” He paused anxiously, waiting for my response.

At that moment, I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions.
First shock, then my soul flooded with such joy that I could barely contain it.
My eyes watered and one lonely tear escaped, trickling down my cheek.

“Lucas, I’ve been absolutely miserable. I saw that photo, and I
felt so hurt. I thought you’d forgotten me and moved on. I’ve tried so hard to
forget you, but I just can’t.”

He looked at me with hopeful anticipation.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is—Lucas, I am utterly and
irrationally, in the craziest kind of way, in love with you too.” I repeated
his words, fresh tears staining my face.

His face became elated. “So you forgive me for leaving you?”

I put my hand up to my heart and said, “You never really left.”

He smiled widely in relief, reaching his arms out for me. I
leaped off the porch and into the comfort of his embrace. The joy of this
reunion was like nothing else I’d ever felt. With his arms wrapped tightly
around me, and his sweet kisses being planted in my hair, in that moment, I
felt the kind of love people die for, and I knew I would never be the same
again.

“Lucas, are you sure this is what you want. I know Meagan told
you that I fainted, and I don’t want you to come back because you’re worried
about me.”

“Actually, I
was
worried about you, but I was already on
my way back when I called Meagan. That’s why I was trying to reach you, to tell
you I was coming. While I was away, I thought I was going crazy. Everything I
heard and smelled reminded me of you. Lisa and I, that’s my co-star, were doing
a photo shoot for a movie magazine all the while listening to disco in the
background. I was miserable. I even thought I saw you a few times, once even
chasing a poor girl down the street. Once I discovered it wasn’t you, she
discovered who I was and started chasing
me
down the street.” He laughed
at the memory. “But then I remembered what you said to me that first night in
your den. You said, ‘you just need to decide what you want and then pursue it
with all your heart’. I knew then I had to come back, because what I want is
you, more than anything. So, to answer your question, I’m sure this is what I
want. If you’ll have me, I want to stay here with you. I mean, not
here
with you. I’m going to rent the same apartment I had before.