Loving Laura (The Cantrelle Family Trilogy) (20 page)

Laura saw how his face immediately brightened up and watched with mixed emotions as he gave Alice a big hug. Jealousy knifed through her. She knew she had no right to be jealous. She knew she had no claim on Neil. He had made that perfectly clear. But she was jealous anyway, and it was a horrible feeling. She wondered how he would greet her. A second later he looked her way.

He smiled, but she saw the almost imperceptible tightening of his facial muscles, the flicker of torment in his dark eyes, and the way he quickly shuttered off the emotion.

For the next hour the conversation swirled around Laura. She tried to take part, but all she could think about was Neil, and she had to concentrate all her energy on smiling casually and acting normal. Norman and Alice carried the brunt of the conversation, but Neil joined in, too. Even if Laura hadn’t been so uncomfortable, she still wouldn’t have had much to say because they all had so many friends and memories in common. Watching them, she was sharply reminded of her own status as the outsider.
I’ll never be a part of this circle,
she thought forlornly. At one time, she could have been. If she’d married Norman. But that chance was gone forever, now that she was hopelessly in love with Norman’s brother.

While they talked, Laura watched the interplay of emotions on their faces. Inevitably, she supposed, the talk turned to Jimmy. A sweet sadness settled over Alice’s face. “I’ll always miss him,” she admitted, “but lately...” she turned her pleasant smile toward Neil “...lately, since you’ve been home, Neil, I’m coming to terms with his death. I thought I had before, but I hadn’t, really. But seeing you, talking about it, has helped. I know now I have to stop mourning Jimmy’s death and go on with my life.”

“Even when you know that’s what you have to do, how do you make yourself do it?” Norman asked.

All three of them looked at him, and Laura wondered if the others were as startled by his question as she was.

Norman looked at Alice and grimaced. “I know you’re right. In my own case, I know that nothing can change what’s happened to me, that I... I have to get used to the fact that I lost a leg. That I can no longer do some of the things I did before. That my life is going to be different from now on. I know all that. But how do I make myself accept it?”

Laura swallowed. She heard the pain behind the question. She saw the anguish Norman couldn’t hide. And she knew he wasn’t nearly as accepting of his fate as they’d believed him to be. As he’d pretended to be. At that moment she wished she were anywhere but in that room.

Alice sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. It’s taken me more than three years to reach this point. I do know that bitterness over what’s been lost doesn’t help, though. Bitterness is corrosive. It gradually eats away at you until there’s nothing left. I saw that happen with my mother when my sister died. Mother has never accepted Betsy’s death, and she’s a bitter, miserable woman because of it.”

Laura thought about her own situation. She’d had to fight against the bitterness she felt toward her mother all of her life.

“But it’s important to put the past behind you,” Alice continued. “People have to learn not to dwell on what might have been. Instead, we have to try to take our experiences and make them work for us instead of against us.”

Alice is right. I have to do that. Neil has to do that. And Norman has to do that.
As Laura thought about what Alice had just said, she watched Neil’s face, wondering what was going through his mind. He’d been very quiet throughout this exchange. His expression was thoughtful but noncommittal, and he didn’t meet her eyes.

“Well...” Alice stood up. “Enough preaching.” She grinned. “I’d better be on my way. I told Tammy, my babysitter, that I’d be home by nine.” She glanced at her watch. “And I’m going to be cutting it close. It’s already eight-thirty.”

Laura stood, too. “It’s time for me to leave, too.” She gathered up her coat and scarf, leaned over the bed and gave Norman a kiss on the cheek. He smiled at her, squeezing her hand.

“I’m glad you came.” Then he released her hand and turned toward Alice. “I’m glad you came, too, Alice. I hope you’ll come again. I enjoyed talking to you.”

Alice hesitated only a fraction of a second, then she also leaned over the bed and kissed Norman on the cheek. He colored with pleasure.

“Why don’t you walk the girls outside, Neil?” Norman suggested, his genial facade back in place.

“Oh, that’s not necessary,” Alice said.

“No, he doesn’t have to bother,” Laura said. She knew Norman didn’t like her to walk through the parking lot alone at night, but she had never been afraid. The lot was well lighted, and the guard always watched from the door.

The brothers exchanged looks. Neil stood and put on his jacket. “It might not be necessary, but I’ll do it anyway.”

As the three of them approached the elevators, a tremor passed through Laura. She avoided Neil’s eyes. A silent prayer whispered through her mind.
Let the other one come. Please, God, let the other one come.
Looking straight ahead, she concentrated on keeping her breathing even and her emotions under control.

The two elevators inched upwards. Laura’s heart lodged itself somewhere in her throat as the one on the right stopped on four. Dear heaven. The doors to the elevator on the left slid open. Like a robot, Laura followed Alice inside, and she knew Neil was right behind her.

The doors closed. Alice pushed the button for the ground floor. The elevator hummed to life.

“I hope Tammy got the kids to bed on time,” she said.

Neither Laura nor Neil answered. Laura couldn’t have spoken if her life depended on it. She felt battered, hot and cold, assaulted by memories. She stared at the back of his neck where the hair curled over the edge of his white turtleneck sweater. She wondered what in God’s name he was thinking. Was he remembering their desperate passion? Their greedy kisses? Their tumultuous union?

Was his stomach knotted with tension? Was his body flushed with heat? Was every sense alive with a shimmering awareness?

The thirty second ride stretched into infinity. The air sizzled around them, and Laura wondered if Alice felt it, too.

Finally the car settled to a stop, and the doors opened, and fresh air rushed in. Neil stood back so that Alice and Laura could exit the elevator first, and as he did, for one crystal moment, her eyes met his, and what she saw there rocked her, for his eyes contained a naked longing so raw and so powerful, it ignited a wild hope inside her. But the moment passed, and the longing disappeared as if he’d taken a cloth and wiped it away in one swoop.

It was a bitterly cold night, and their breaths misted in front of them as they scurried across the windy parking lot.

“Where’s your car?” Neil asked, turning toward Laura. She pointed to the far left side of the lot.

“Oh, good. I’m in that direction, too,” Alice said.

As luck would have it, Alice was parked closer, so the three of them stopped at her car first. She unlocked the driver’s side of the small Ford, then turned back to Neil and Laura. “Neil, I almost forgot! I found that check stub you asked me to look for.”

“Oh?” he said.

Alice’s frown was clearly delineated in the circle of light cast from a large lamp a few feet away. “The thing is,” she continued, “it doesn’t say anything.”

“It
does
have a check number, doesn’t it?” Neil asked.

Laura didn’t know what they were talking about, but obviously it was important to both of them, and she was glad to have something else to think about other than her feelings for Neil.

“Yes,” Alice said, “and the date, and another number.”

“We should be able to find out who purchased it, then,” Neil said, his voice thoughtful. “Do you know anyone at the bank well enough to ask them to go back through the records and check this out?”

She shook her head slowly. “Not really. You don’t think we could just go through channels to find out?”

“I don’t know. If there
is
something funny about that check, or the motives of whoever sent it, we might not want to take that chance. Do we really want to alert them that we’re checking into it?”

Laura shivered.

“Look,” Neil said, glancing at Laura. “It’s too cold to talk about this out here. I’ll call you tomorrow, Alice. We’ll talk about what to do then.”

Alice agreed and Neil held her door open for her. “Laura,” she said as she got in, “now that we’ve met, let’s get together again.”

“I’d like that,” Laura said, knowing Alice wasn’t saying it to be polite, knowing, too, that she wanted to be Alice’s friend.

After Alice left, Neil took Laura’s elbow and they walked silently until they reached her car. Even this impersonal touch caused her pulses to race.

“What kind of check were you and Alice talking about?” she asked.

“It’s a cashier’s check that Alice received after Jimmy’s death. It was sent anonymously, and I asked her to look for the stub. I’m curious about who sent it.”

His voice sounded tense, or was that just her imagination? “If it’s a cashier’s check, the bank would have a record of who sent it.”

“That’s what I thought,” he said.

“I know someone at the First National Bank,” Laura said softly. “She’s a loan officer, and I’ve dealt with her on company business. I could check it out for you.”

“Would you?”

Laura’s heart warmed at the eagerness in his voice. She wasn’t sure it was wise, but she wanted to do this for him. “I’ll try. Get me the information, and I’ll call my friend.”

“I’ll get it tomorrow,” he promised. “But I want to be there when you make the call.”

“Okay.” Laura was suddenly very glad she’d come to see Norman tonight instead of tomorrow night, as she’d originally planned. Meeting Alice was one of the reasons, but finding a way to do something for Neil—and to see him again she thought in a burst of honesty—was even more important.

“Be careful driving home,” he said as he helped her into the car.

“I will.” Their eyes met for a moment before Laura looked away to fasten her seat belt. There it was again. Only a flash, but still there—that unspoken longing—a longing he quickly concealed behind a mask of casual concern.

He does care for me. He does. He hasn’t forgotten what we shared. He’s as aware of it as I am. He’s just better at concealing his feelings.
And all the way home her heart was singing. Because if he still cared that much, there was still hope. The irony of her thoughts wasn’t lost on her. She and Norman and Neil were an impossible triangle, she knew, but like Norman, she couldn’t help hoping that somehow things would work out the way she wanted them to.

And in the meantime, she had the memory of that naked emotion that had flickered through Neil’s eyes to keep her going.

* * *

Because Neil and the main crew had finished a major job the day before, Neil had the day off. He decided to call Alice and see if it would be all right with her if he came over and picked up the check stub. It would also give him an opportunity to talk to her. Last night he’d realized he needed to talk to someone. Foolishly, he’d thought he was dealing with his feelings for Laura. That illusion had been shattered last night. His reaction to seeing her had been immediate and strong, but he’d been able to hide his feelings while they’d all been in Norman’s room.

But then he’d walked out with the two women. And when that damned elevator came—the same one, he still couldn’t believe it was the same one! —he almost came unglued. He had no choice but to follow Laura inside, and he stood in front of her, and all he could think about was the last time they’d been in that same small space together. He felt as if all the air had suddenly disappeared. He could hardly breathe. And he was acutely aware of Laura behind him. And Alice just off to his side.

Riding down was bad enough, but then the elevator stopped, and he had to face Laura. When her blue eyes met his, he almost lost it. He felt such a rush of torment and love and helpless need. If Alice hadn’t been there, he didn’t know what he would have done. The way he felt in that moment, he might have grabbed Laura’s hand, rushed her out to the parking lot, and run away with her. But somehow he managed to get himself under control, and he thought he was going to be all right until he was actually saying goodbye to Laura and telling her to be careful driving. He made the mistake of looking into her eyes again.

It shook him. It really shook him, the strength of what he felt for her. He couldn’t even remember what he said. All he knew was that he had to get away from her.

Afterward, when Laura was gone and he was back in Norman’s room, he felt so alone. He talked to Norman, but his mind was on Laura. He kept asking himself why he had to fall for the woman his brother loved?

Yes, he thought now, it’s a good idea to talk to Alice. He waited until he knew Alice would be home again after her morning shift. She drove a school bus both mornings and afternoons, she’d told him. The information had bothered him. She hadn’t worked when Jimmy was alive.

“Sure,” she said when he asked if he could come over. “Come now. I’ll give you some coffee as well as the check stub.”

Thirty minutes later he was sitting at her kitchen table drinking a cup of strong coffee. He’d already told her about Laura’s offer to call the bank, and Alice had agreed that Laura might be able to find out what they wanted to know easier than either of them could. The check stub was safely tucked into the pocket of Neil’s jacket.

Now, with his hands wrapped around the warm mug, he wondered how to introduce the subject that had been on his mind all last night and today.

“I’ve got to start thinking about getting a full-time job,” Alice said, breaking into his thoughts. “Lisa’s old enough for me to leave her now. Besides, she’ll be starting school in the fall.”

Neil struggled to push his own concerns aside and focus on Alice’s statement. He frowned. “I hate the idea of you having to work full-time.”

Alice looked surprised. “Why? I’m dying to go to work full-time. I need to get out and be around adults. My whole world is kids right now—my own and other people’s.”