Loving Alex (18 page)

I’m saved from continuing this
chat by the arrival of Anna and Katie, Anna looks so well, so tanned her olive
skin much darker than usual, Katie looks like she hasn’t been in the sun at
all!

Anna approaches me, she’s almost
running, her arms outstretched I pull her into a hug “Mum, I’ve missed you!”
She shouts.

“I’ve missed you too Anna. Look
at you, you look fantastic! The sun agrees with you, a lot! What’s with all the
cases, you went with one – there’s four there! Have they bred or something?” I
point towards the trolley stacked with four large cases and a couple of
holdalls.

“I went shopping, you know the shops
over there are ah-ma-zing, like totally awesome!” Her voice has changed, she
sounds, well slightly American!

“So I take it you maxed out your
card?” I raise an eyebrow as my daughter tries to explain why her suitcases
have multiplied whilst she’s been away.

“No, I’ve got a bit left. I’m
not that dumb,” she smiles “and anyway, you don’t mind, do you?” She pouts at
me, lowering her bottom lip and opening her eyes so wide, the puppy dog look!

“I suppose not, but let’s wait
until the bill comes before we discuss me
minding
about it. Come on,
let’s get you home. James is outside.” I start to usher my daughter to the
exit.

Anna turns and hugs Katie who is
receiving what looks like a stern dressing down from her father, I smile
sweetly at Rachel and mouth a
“talk soon”
as we leave and head for
James.

We struggle with the over
stacked trolley as we walk towards him, still propping up the wall. Seeing us
approach he moves to help with the errant trolley that appears to have a mind
of its own.

“Anna, good to see you.” He
says.

She surprises me by walking over
to him and giving him a big hug, “Good to see you too James. How’s my mum
been?”

“She’s okay, really she’s been
fine.” He looks at me as he reassures my daughter that I’m fine.
Liar!

“I’m so glad to be home.” Anna
says to us both as we head towards the car.

“Why?” I ask.

“Katie’s different, much
different. She’s changed since we were at school and I don’t know if I like how
she is now. She’s my friend and I’ll always love her, as a friend, but she’s,
well I don’t like saying it at all, but mum, would you think bad of me if I
described her as a slapper!”

“Really?” I raise an eyebrow,
Katie a slapper?
No.

“Yeah. mum, talk about dropping your
pants for the first guy that comes along on the first night we were away, and
the first bloke on night two and on night three, you get the picture. I reckon
she must have had nine different blokes while we were away. Me, I had one!”

“Anna!” I snap, “Too much
information, I don’t know if I want to know anymore. Let’s just hope she hasn’t
caught anything nasty!” I now know why her dad was being so tough, her parents
must have an idea that she’s been
off the rails
.

We arrive at the Jaguar “Nice
car. What happened to the Audi?” Anna asks.

I tell my darling daughter about
the vandalism to the Audi, the roof being slashed and the paintwork ruined, I
explain that this is a hire car but that the Audi should be fixed before too
long. I also update her on everything that’s been happening, about James
agreeing to step down from the General Manager role and Robbie taking over from
him, although the reasons behind me encouraging James along this route have
changed today, in fact as of a few hours ago! I leave that bit out, because at
the present time I don’t know what will happen with us, as a couple. The way I
felt about him as I entered the terminal building, well he could have gone
there and then, it would have broken my heart, completely, to see him go but I
saw a side of him that I didn’t care for. Now that I’ve had a little time to
calm down I’m still unsure how I feel.

I leave out the other bits from
the last two weeks that are not so nice, the underwear going missing, the
photographs, and as Anna is so wrapped up in telling us about her trip I don’t
think she’s noticed that I’ve hardly spoken to James since we got into the
Jaguar and started off on our way home.

We arrive home I open the front door
picking the post up as I go, James sets about carrying Anna’s four cases
upstairs, heaven knows what she’s bought and Anna makes a bee-line for the
kitchen, “I’m starving mum!” She announces as she walks straight through to the
kitchen and sets about making toast.

“We had thought we’d eat out this evening sweetheart, is
that okay? And, depending on how you feel we may go to Henry’s, we’ve a table
booked!”

“I’m shattered, let me have a couple of hours sleep and I’m
sure I’ll be okay, I want to be okay, I love Henry’s, but no Zombies!” She
laughs, grabs a large glass of water and disappears to bed.

I spend the rest of afternoon avoiding James, sitting in my
living room with my thoughts replaying the events of this morning over and over
again in my head,
was I wrong, was he wrong!

No matter how many times it goes around and around I can’t
seem to find an answer. I
know
that it meant a lot to him, buying the
ring but I’m also aware that until very recently his wage was stupidly low, I
gave him that bonus and increased his salary but I don’t expect him to give it
all back to me in the form of a stupid ring. Maybe, I over-reacted, perhaps I
did, but the look on his face, the anger – it just threw me back to my time
with Lewis, the difference being that Lewis generally followed through with a
slap or a punch. Would we ever get to the stage where James would also become
physical? Maybe my past is going to take me longer than I expect to get over
yet, here am I thinking I’m doing so well, my therapist certainly thinks I’m
progressing, maybe my subconscious has us all fooled and I’m going to be an
emotional wreck forever. Do I want to ruin James’ life by hooking up with him
long term? He’s too young to have to deal with me, the broken woman.

I must doze off in the comfortable chair as James wakes me
at six with a cup of tea.

“Alex, Alex…it’s six,” he gently nudges my shoulder, “Alex.”
He stands there with a mug in his hand.

I wake and take the tea and smile weakly at him, “Sorry,” I
croak, half asleep.

He bends down beside me, “I’m sorry too baby, I just…well
I’m supposed to buy the engagement ring and it’s supposed to cost a month’s
wage!” He mumbles.

“That’s a bit old fashioned. Do people really still do
that?” I don’t look at him and blow across the surface of the hot tea.

“I think so!”

I reach out for him putting my mug down on a small table
next to me. He shuffles towards the front of me and wraps his arms around my
waist, his head on my chest like a little boy having a cuddle from his mother,
“I love you Alex,” he says “so very, very much.”

“James, I….I don’t know if I can do this.” I sigh, putting
my hand to my mouth. My insides are churning, knotted – I’m a mess, emotionally
broken yet, I know I’m doing the right thing, I really do.

 “Do what Blossom?”

“This, this whole relationship thing. I don’t know if I’m
ready to be…to be involved with anyone again. I’m ruined James. I can’t have
another man, ever. I’m a liability.” I feel the tears well and start their slow
decent down my cheeks, I know this is the right thing to do, the
only
thing to do.

“What are you saying?” He whispers, he sounds distraught,
pulling back and looking at me directly, his beautiful face contorted, painful,
sad.

“I don’t think I can ever have another relationship, not a
long term one. James, I’m damaged goods!” I breathe deeply through the tears.

“You’re not! You are not damaged, hurt, wary but not
damaged!” He snaps, I swear there’s tears in his eyes as he stays on his knees
in front of me. “I love you Alex, please don’t do this.” He begs.

“I am. I can’t do this. I can’t commit to a lifetime with
anyone else.” I shake my head, “it would be wrong, so wrong of me. I’d ruin
your life James, I really would.” It’s so painful to sit here and admit it, but
having seen James angry today I just know that every time anything like that
happens I’m going to be frightened, scared, petrified and I can’t go through
life like that, I’d do something rash and end up hurting him too.

I feel myself flush, I’m getting hot. I focus on my happy
place, in my mind I do everything that my therapist has told me to do but it’s
not working, I feel hotter. I’m breathing faster, inside I feel totally
destroyed, ready to end everything now, if I wasn’t for Anna I would!

“Alex! Alex! Breathe slowly, focus Alex – Look. At. Me!” He’s
still in front of me steel kneeling, his face is level with mine. He holds both
of my hands and I breathe with him, in and out, in and out, slowly. He never
takes his focus off me, despite both of our feelings, the hurt and the sorry,
we breathe in time, in and out. I start to feel cooler, more composed. Maybe
the therapy
is
working, who knows?

Once I’m back in control I try to tell him how I feel, to
finish it for good. “I think you should go James.” I say quietly, “It’s not
going to work, be realistic - It’s not anything more than a fling!”

“Go! What do you mean?” He asks, the painful look returning
to his face.

“Leave, move out. I’m no good for you, I’d just be a burden.
You can have the pick of the crop out there. I’m just an infatuation of yours.
I think we should finish it!” I’m short, adamant.

He just looks at me. “You are joking?”

“No, I’ve never been more serious in my life. I’ve already
said, I’m not ready for any sort of relationship and probably never will be.
I’d ruin you James, ruin you for life. I’m doing this for the best, it’s best
for you.” I sigh deeply, “No…I’ve made my mind up, I want you to leave.” I say
firmly.

“Alex, I love you more than you’ll ever know.” He murmurs
looking broken, completely and utterly ruined.

“And you’ll get over me very quickly James. The moment some
lithe young thing comes your way, you’ll be over me. You’ll see!” I stand,
fighting back a further wave of tears and walk to the kitchen leaving him on
his knees in the living room. I mess with some leaflets that have been left on
the island as he follows me through.

“I don’t understand.” He says.

“I can’t make it any clearer James!” I snap. “What don’t you
understand? I’m not ready for a long term relationship with you, or anyone
else. I’m ruined, broken and I’ll ruin everything around you.” A sudden wave of
confidence fills me, I face up to him my arms outstretched in question, “What
we had was good, very good but it can’t go any further. Please leave. I’ll have
Archie pick up your clothes and bring them to the hotel. Your job will be there
for as long as you want it but we can’t have a relationship any more, it’s
over!” I shout.

“I don’t understand,” he mumbles, “why?”

I look at the man who until a few moments ago was my lover,
my beautiful lover. He looks destroyed, oh my God, what have I done? I should
never have got involved with him to begin with, I’m broken and useless. Lewis
was right, my parents couldn’t wait to off-load me, everything I come into
contact with, it all gets ruined. I turn towards him, he has to go, before I
ruin him completely.

 “How can I make it clearer James?” I stand there,
facing him, “Would you like me to write it down, maybe email it to you, text
it. I’ll say it as simply as possible! I’ll never be ready for a relationship
because I can’t trust men, not any more.” I mess with the junk mail and
leaflets, avoiding eye contact. “Today, this morning you looked so angry. I
backed away because I was fully expecting you to hit me, to beat me down, we
can’t have a relationship where every time
you
get angry
I
feel
like that! It’s best for both of us if we part now, before it gets any more
serious.” I speak slowly, calmly in the hope that he will get the message,
inside I’m breaking, no – I’m broken. My insides churning, I feel sick to the
stomach, I want to turn and run away from it all, away from the whole bloody
lot.

He sits on one of the stools, his head in his hands.

“Alex, how can I make it right? Tell me what I need to do?”
He begs.

“There’s nothing you can do. You’re perfect in every way,
it’s me. I’m just totally ruined, broken, fucked up and if it wasn’t you it
would be some other poor bastard sat there I’m sure.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” He mutters. “Are you
sure this is what you want?”

“Totally. I’m going to shower. Once I come down…please be
gone. You can stay at the hotel for as long as you want and you’ll always have
a job there.” I’m firm, almost barking my orders, it’s a front because inside
I’m sobbing my bloody heart out.

I leave the kitchen breathing deeply, fighting back the
tears, there’s been very little shouting, few raised voices just words spoken
from the heart yet my insides are wound up so tightly. I’m choked, I feel
empty, hollow. I’m devastated because I truly do love James with all of my
heart but I’m doing this for him, not me. He’s much too young to be dealing
with this, with me and my excess baggage.

As I get to my en-suite I hear the front door slam, hard.
I’m so pleased that Anna is asleep although I’ve no idea what I’m going to tell
her.

I turn the shower on and let it warm up whilst I undress.
Looking in the full length mirror I see my scar, the one that Lewis left I also
see the strawberry tattoo, it’s healing up very quickly. I know the letters
J.A, for James, are now there permanently marked on my body but I don’t regret
it one bit, despite me deciding that we should part, go our separate ways I
will always love him for what he has helped me do over the past few months.

I step into the shower and let the warm water caress me.
What
have I done? You stupid bitch
I curse myself mentally.
The one good
thing to happen to you since God knows when and you’ve turned him away, sent
him away, dumped him
. I sigh deeply, really deeply and despite by best
efforts to keep myself together I sob. Letting my knees bend I sink to the
floor, I sit for ages under the running water, sobbing, breaking my heart. My
body shaking as I let the emotion of the day out. I’ve no choice, I must end it
all, I will end it all and put myself out of this miserable life. I am drawn from
my desperate state by Anna who’s standing the other side of the glass screen,
her hands to her face.

“Mum! What’s happened?” She gasps. “Where’s James?”

“He’s gone!” I sob feeling like a fool, feeling like shit,
feeling like my world has yet again crashed around me.

“Since when, he was here this afternoon!” She lets her knees
bend so that she’s at my level.

“Just now Anna. I told him, to…to…go. I’ve been a fool.” I
break down further, sobbing hysterically, letting loose with rage I thrash my
arm out and smash into the shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles sending
them flying everywhere. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Inside I’m broken,
completely.
You stupid bitch, what have you done?

Anna reaches for one of the fluffy bath sheets and holds it
out for me. I reach for it and wrap myself up, turning the water off as I move
from behind the glass screen. She hugs me.

“Oh mum, what happened?” She sounds so concerned and a
little sad.

“I said something that offended him and he, his look, he was
angry he looked just like your dad did before he launched at me. Anna, he
scared me and, and I don’t know if I can live like that again. So…,” I sob
again, trying to get the words out, “So, I told him to g…go. I don’t want to
ruin his life, I’ll always be on my own Anna, nobody will ever want me, I’m
broken.” I feel weak, so very weak and collapse on my bed. Sobbing, wrapped in
nothing but the bath sheet, my wet hair making me feel cold now.

She hugs me, she shouldn’t be comforting me, she’s my daughter
I should be hugging her.

“I’m ringing him mum.” She says firmly.

“No, Anna please…..don’t!” I beg, “Anna, please don’t,
please just leave him, let him go!” I sob.

“No, I’m ringing him. You were so in love. He worships you
mum, you do know that don’t you?” She leaves me lying on my bed, my eyes red
and puffy.

 I feel like crap, really, really crap. Lewis did a
fine job, a complete job of breaking me, keeping me as nothing more than a
domestic slave and certainly moulding me so that I will never, ever be able to
live with another man, ever again. I can’t keep up with the pace that my mind
is running at, events from the past charging through my head. The brand, the
iron, the beatings the humiliation, how in the hell can I ever move on from it?
I can’t.