Lovestruck in Los Angeles (19 page)

Thomas was supposed to be having dinner with Heidi and some hot shot director who wanted to work with him next year. From the way Heidi had been going on about it, the dinner meeting was a coup.

“We can reschedule.”

“No.” I crossed my arms. “You’re not letting Heidi down just because I don’t feel well. She’ll be pissed at me, and I have to work with her.”

His eyes narrowed. “I’d like to see her try to be pissed at you.”

I reached for his hand. “Come on. I’m fine. I’m just going to lie here in bed watching this
Project Runway
marathon. Go to dinner. You’ll be back in a few hours.”

“But then I won’t find out if Seth Aaron won or not,” he said with his most convincing smile, gesturing at the TV.

I laughed. “I promise to tell you which designer won, okay? But you’re not missing the dinner for me.”

“Then let me call Imogen to come sit with you.”

“Do you think I want to feel gross and sweaty with Imogen, the perfect ballerina, watching me? Come on. I’m a big girl. I’ve been sick before.”

In the end he agreed to leave me alone, but I could tell he wasn’t happy about it. He promised to cut the dinner as short as possible. To be honest, I was almost happy to see him go. Thomas clearly didn’t like me being sick—and his hovering and obvious agitation was starting to make me feel anxious.

After spending most of the day in bed, I decided to go sit on the deck for a while, thinking the sea air might help calm my still roiling stomach. I turned on all the exterior lights and brought a book and a can of Sprite with me, wishing for a moment that I was back in Michigan. Every Detroit girl knows the best cure for any ailment is Vernors ginger ale. My mom used to warm it up for me anytime I was sick.

Felling nostalgic, I called Sofie, figuring she could distract me for a while.

“What’s up, cuz?” she asked.

“Sof, I’ve been puking all day, and I feel like shit.”

“Which reminded you to call me? I feel so loved.”

I laughed, though it hurt my stomach. “Shut up. I just thought you could distract me for a while.”

“Okay, girl, what do you want to hear? Family gossip or church gossip?”

“Family.”

She went into a long explanation of the giant fight Laura and Maria had gotten into. Apparently Maria was now taking it as gospel that Laura was pregnant and thought it was still too early to tell anyone. When Laura had poured a glass of wine at lunch the other day, Maria got on her case. Laura, in turn, freaked out on her older sister.

“It was a pretty classic Medina cat fight,” Sofie said with relish. “I was surprised they didn’t start pulling hair.”

“And what was the conclusion? Is Laura pregnant?”

“No one knows. She says she’s tired of the family being more interested in her uterus than her feelings, and she wouldn’t tell us if she
was
pregnant.”

“Good for her.”

“Yeah, well, it’s still driving everyone crazy. Your mom especially. She actually started interrogating Frank about whether Laura’d had any food aversions lately. When she heard that she was feeling nauseated during the car ride to his parents on New Year’s, she went nuts. Because she couldn’t possibly have just been car sick, of course. If she’s showing the slightest sign of any kind of sickness, she must be knocked up.”

Suddenly, there was a roaring in my ears that wasn’t coming from the ocean. I tried to count back in my head. I definitely had my period before Christmas. But did I have one in January? Dates and numbers were swimming around in front of my eyes and I couldn’t
remember
and suddenly I felt like I might pass out.

“Lizzie?” Sofie called through the phone. “Where’d you go, chica? Lizzie?”

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Sorry, Sof. I’m not feeling well again. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay, babe. Try to take it—”

But I hung up before she could finish. I had to figure this out. I had to know for sure if this was a possibility before I called Thomas.

Oh, my God, Thomas. What was he going to say?

Stop
, I ordered myself.
You have to stop. You have no idea if that’s what this is.

I put my head back against the lounge cushion and took deep, calming breaths through my nose. When I finally felt like I had a handle on things, I stood gingerly and made my way into the house, and up to our bathroom. I fumbled under the sink until I found my box of tampons. Half full. Had I bought it two months ago, or last month? Everything in my mind felt jumbled. I opened the calendar on my phone, but it provided no clues. Why didn’t I track this kind of thing? I knew for sure I’d had my period in December. It was right in the middle of the month. But January…January was a big blank.

January, when I was feeling so distracted. So tired and out of sorts all the time. When I couldn’t concentrate on anything.

Had I taken my pill every day? Things had been kind of crazy, with the travel to the UK and the holidays. I was always forgetting to put those little day of the week stickers on the package, to remind me where I was supposed to be in the pack. What if I’d missed one and hadn’t noticed?

“Oh, God.”

With shaking fingers I typed out a text to Thomas.
Call me when you leave the restaurant. I want you to pick something up for me.

There was nothing to do then but wait. I knew I should try to eat again, but I couldn’t bear to try it. Was it normal for morning sickness to last all day?

You don’t have morning sickness. You can’t
.

The ringing phone in my hand made me jump. Thomas.

“Hey, love,” he said. “How do you feel?”

“I’m…uh, not great.”

He swore. “I knew I shouldn’t have left. I was just leaving when I got your text. I was going to call you anyhow to see if you wanted me to stop for anything.”

“Thomas—”

“Have you eaten? Want to try some soup? Maybe rice would be good, something real bland, you know?”

“Thomas,” I said again, louder this time. “I don’t want food.”

“Oh. What do you need then? Medicine? Do you guys have Tamiflu in the States?”

“I need you to get me a pregnancy test.”

He was quiet for so long I almost started to wonder if he had heard me. I was about to repeat myself when he finally spoke. “I’ll be right there.”

Chapter Fifteen

“How are you feeling?” Thomas asked, for about the tenth time since I’d left the bathroom and joined him on the edge of the bed to wait for the pregnancy test results to develop.

“I’m okay,” I told him, for the tenth time, even though I felt completely numb. How could I have been this stupid? It’s not like I was a kid anymore—I was twenty-four years old, for God’s sake. I should have been beyond accidental pregnancy scares.

Thomas reached for my hand. “It’s going to be okay, Lizzie.” His voice was soft and steady. How could he be so calm? He had to be freaking out inside. There was no way in the world we were ready for something like this. He was gone half the time, so busy and stressed about the movie. How on earth could the two of us expect to have a baby right now?

Oh, God. A baby. What would my parents say?

At the thought of telling them I suddenly become nauseated all over again. My father already wasn’t talking to me. He would
kill
me when I told him about this. Maria would go nuts. I pictured her smug face, the “I-told-you-so” clear in her eyes. And my mom…

If possible, I felt even worse, thinking about her. She’d been so supportive of my new life, even though she didn’t like the idea of me moving to a different country. She stood up to the family for me, something no one ever did. And this was how I repaid her. Getting pregnant without being married.

I knew that in this day and age it wasn’t a huge deal. People got pregnant without being married all the time. But my family didn’t exactly follow the norms of society. To them, this would be an offense over which to disown me.

“Breathe, Lizzie,” Thomas said. “You look like you’re about to faint.”

“I’m okay,” I whispered, knowing it was futile. I couldn’t be any farther from okay, and Thomas could tell. Luckily the timer on his phone beeped, making us both jump.

“I guess it’s time,” he said, his voice sounding nervous for the first time.

I gripped his hand, sure that I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own.

“Want me to look?”

I knew it made me a wimp, but I didn’t care. I nodded, not meeting his eyes. Thomas gave my hand a last squeeze before he stood and crossed the room, reaching the bathroom in three short strides. He was gone for only a moment, just long enough for me to imagine the worst about a dozen times. Then he was standing in front of me again. My stomach sank —he looked sad.

“False alarm,” he said.

It took a minute for his words to sink in. From the look on his face, I had been sure he was about to deliver bad news. “Wait, what?”

“False alarm,” he said again. “Not pregnant.”

The air left my lungs in a whoosh. I closed my eyes. “Oh, thank God.” I felt almost dizzy with the relief.

Thomas sat next to me again, but this time he didn’t take my hand. I finally opened my eyes. He was staring at the ground, an inscrutable expression on his face.

“Hey,” I said, placing a hand on his arm. “It’s okay, babe. False alarm, right?”

He looked up at me, and I realized that I wasn’t imagining it before—he was sad. “Thomas?”

“I know, it probably wasn’t the best timing,” he said, shaking his head. “But I have to admit I got excited there for a minute.”

“You got…
excited
? Why?”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Why? Because I love you.”

“Thomas, we could not have a baby right now,” I said, bewildered. “This is a good thing.”

“Why not? Why couldn’t we have a baby?”

Was he losing his mind? “Um, for like a million reasons. We’re way too young, for one. You’re way too busy. Your career is in a really important phase right now. And we’re not married.”

“So what if we’re not married right now?” His face had tightened slightly. “We love each other, don’t we? Just because we’re not married doesn’t mean we aren’t committed to each other. Or were you planning on going somewhere?”

“Don’t even say something like that.” I looked into his eyes, wanting him to understand. “But I would definitely want to be married before we had kids.”

He nodded. “Well, yeah, that would be the ideal situation. But it doesn’t mean a baby would be some kind of disaster. Not one we made together.”

I snorted. “My parents would kill me, Thomas.”

I knew right away that it was the wrong thing to say. He stood, his hands balled into fists. “That’s what it all comes back to, doesn’t it?” he asked, his voice angry. “What your parents think. Not what I think. Not our life together, or the love we have. What your parents would think.”

“Thomas—”

“That’s what you were sitting there worried about, wasn’t it?” He pointed at the bed. “That whole time we were waiting, you were thinking about them.”

“So what if I was? What’s the big deal?”

He laughed a little, the sound bitter. “Don’t you think that’s a little odd, Lizzie? That we were waiting to find out if we made a baby together—to find out if we were going to be parents!—and you were worried about what your family would think? Not about what
I
would think. Not about what it would mean for us as a couple. Just about how scared you are of them judging you.”

“That isn’t fair.”

“Whatever, Lizzie,” he muttered, turning for the door.

“Hey, don’t walk out on me right now. This is a big deal—”

“It’s a big deal for
us
,” he said, turning back and gesturing at the space between us. “Not for your parents or your sisters or your brothers. It’s getting a little crowded in this relationship.”

I stood, all the relief of a moment ago swiftly replaced by a seething anger. “You asshole,” I said, my voice shaking. “I haven’t seen my family in months.
Months
, Thomas. Because I chose you.” Tears were rushing to my eyes, and I brushed them aside, too angry to cry. “I gave up my whole life for you.”

“Nice, Lizzie.” I was momentarily surprised that he didn’t come to me, didn’t apologize. He seemed every bit as angry as I was. “Nice thing to say. I thought we made a new life together.”

“We did,” I snapped back. “But it’s like you said on New Year’s, isn’t it? I’m the only one making any sacrifices.”

“And having my baby would have been a huge sacrifice?”

“If you spent as much time at work as you do now, yeah, it would have been.”

He took a step back, breathing heavily. I think we both realized that we’d gone a step too far.

“I think we need a breather,” he said, rubbing his hand across his neck. “Before we say anything else we regret.”

“Fine.” I grabbed my pillow. “I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

“
I’ll
sleep in the guest room.”

I stared at him across the expanse of perfectly plush, spotless white carpet. “Are we going to fight about this, too?”

“No. If you’re not preg—you must be sick, like we thought. You take the bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He turned to go, but I was still too angry and hurt to let it go. “You know,” I called after him, “this right here is the biggest reason we shouldn’t be having any children together right now, Thomas. In case you haven’t noticed while you’ve been off being a movie star, we’re not doing too hot.”

He paused for a split second in the doorway, and I was sure he going to turn around to argue. Instead, his shoulders moved up a fraction of an inch, as if in a shrug, before he left me alone in the room.

Chapter Sixteen

“Okay, talk to me.” Imogen placed a steaming mug in front of me before taking a seat next to me at the dining table. “What’s going on with you?”

I rubbed at my bleary eyes, trying to focus. After our fight the night before, I had barely slept. I just kept going over it again and again in my mind. Had Thomas actually told me my family crowded our relationship? How could he think something like that, knowing what a hard time I was having with this estrangement? It made me furious all over again every time I thought about it. Add to that the fact that I was still feeling like death warmed over, and it had been a hell of a night. I hadn’t drifted off until after I heard Thomas leaving for work. I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep before Imogen had inadvertently woken me by sticking her head in my room to check on me.