Lover Revealed (41 page)

"That's no excuse."

"Marissa, don't take this the wrong way, but no one cares. We want you safe and well. We could give a shit about the lawn."

When she just stared past Wrath at Butch, the king glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah, I think I'll leave you two alone. Try and get some z's, okay?"

As Wrath turned around, Butch said something that didn't carry. In response, the king clapped a hand to the back of the man's neck. More quiet words were shared.

After Wrath left, Butch came forward, but only as far as the doorway. "You going to be all right?"

"Ah, yes. After I have a shower." And a lobotomy.

"Okay. I'm going back to the Pit."

"Butch… I'm sorry I did what I did. It was just… I couldn't find one gown that wasn't contaminated with memories."

"I can understand that." Except clearly he didn't. He looked completely numb, as if he'd unplugged himself from everything. Especially her. "So… take care of yourself, Marissa."

She leaped to her feet as he backed away. "Butch?"

"You don't worry about anything."

What the hell did that mean?

She started to go after him, but Beth appeared in the doorway with a bundle in her hands. "Um, hi, you guys… Marissa, you have a minute?"

"Butch, don't go."

He nodded a greeting to Beth, then looked down the hall. "I need to sober up."

"Butch," Marissa said sharply, "are you saying good-bye here?"

He flashed her a haunting smile. "You're always going to be with me, baby."

He walked away slowly, like the floor was slippery under his feet.

Oh… Jesus…

Beth cleared her throat. "So, yeah, Wrath suggested you might like some clothes? I brought a few things if you'd like to try them on."

Marissa was desperate to go after Butch, but she'd already made a spectacle of herself tonight and he looked like he was in serious need of a break from the drama. Boy… she knew exactly how he felt, except for her there was no escape. Everywhere she went, there she was.

She looked at Beth, feeling like this was quite possibly the single worst twenty-four hours of her life. "Did Wrath mention that I burned my entire wardrobe?"

"Um… that did come up."

"I also left a crater in the lawn. It looks like a UFO landed. I can't believe he isn't upset with me."

The queen's smile was gentle. "The only thing he's not thrilled about is your giving Fritz that bracelet to sell."

"I can't have you two renting me somewhere to live."

"As a matter of fact, we wish you would just stay here."

"Oh… no, you've already been too kind. Actually, tonight, I'd planned… Well, before I got sidetracked by that gasoline and matches thing, I was going to go to my new place and look around. See what kind of furniture I'll need to buy."

Which would be everything.

Beth frowned. "About that rental house. Wrath wants Vishous to check out the security system before you move in. And chances are good that V will want to upgrade whatever is there."

"I don't think that's necessary—"

"Nonnegotiable. Don't even try it. Wrath wants you to stay here at least until that's done, okay? Marissa?"

She thought about Bella getting abducted. As much as independence was a good thing, there was no reason to be stupid. "Yes… I… all right. Thank you."

"So would you like to try on some clothes?" Beth nodded at what was in her arms. "I don't have many dresses, but Fritz can get you some."

"You know what?" Marissa eyed the blue jeans the queen had on. "I've never worn a pair of pants before."

"I've got two pairs here if you want to try them out."

Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants. "I think I would like to…"

Except Marissa burst into tears. Just totally lost it. And the meltdown was so bad, all she could do was sit on the bed and weep.

When Beth shut the door and knelt in front of her, Marissa wiped up quickly. What a nightmare. "You are queen. You shouldn't be before me like this."

"I'm the queen, so I can do anything I want." Beth put the clothes aside. "What's wrong?"

Yeah, now there was a list.

"Marissa?"

"I think… I think I might need someone to talk to."

"Well, you have someone right here. You want to give me a shot?"

God, there was so much, but one thing mattered more than all the rest. "Fair warning, my queen, this is about an improper subject. Sex, actually. It's about… sex."

Beth eased back and arranged her long legs yoga style. "Hit me."

Marissa opened her mouth. Shut it. Opened it. "I was taught not to speak of this kind of thing."

Beth smiled. "Just you and me in this room. No one has to know."

Okay… deep breath time. "Ah… I was a virgin. Up until tonight."

"Oh." After a long pause, the queen said, "And?"

"I didn't…"

"Like it?" When she couldn't respond, Beth said, "I wasn't into it my first time, either."

Marissa looked up. "Really?"

"It was painful."

"You hurt, too?" When the female nodded, Marissa was stunned. Then a little relieved. "It wasn't all painful. I mean, what led up to it was
… is
amazing. Butch makes me… he's just so… the way he touches me, I get… Oh, God, I can't believe I'm talking like this. And I can't explain what it's like with him."

Beth chuckled. "That's all right. I know what you mean."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah." The queen's dark blue eyes glowed. "I know
exactly
what you mean."

Marissa smiled, then went back to the talking. "When it was time to… you know, when it happened, Butch was really gentle and all. And I wanted to like it, I honestly did. I was just overwhelmed and it was very painful. I think there's something wrong with me. Inside."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Marissa."

"But I… it really hurt." She wrapped her arms around her stomach. "Butch said most females have a difficult time with it in the beginning, but I just didn't… That's certainly not what the
glymera
says."

"No offense, because you're a part of the aristocracy, but I wouldn't take the
glymera's
word on anything."

The queen probably had a point. "How did you get through it with Wrath when you… ah…"

"My first time wasn't with him."

"Oh." Marissa flushed red, "Pardon me, I didn't mean—"

"No problem. Actually I didn't like sex until Wrath. I'd been with two guys before him and just… whatever. I mean, I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Frankly, though, even if Wrath had been my first, it probably wouldn't have been any easier given the size of his—" Now the queen was flushing. "Anyway… you know, sex is an invasion for the woman. Erotic and wonderful, but an invasion just the same, and it takes a little getting used to. And for some, the first time is quite painful. Butch will be patient with you. He'll—"

"He didn't finish. I got the impression he… couldn't."

"If he hurt you, I can understand why he'd want to stop."

Marissa threw up her arms. "God, I feel so damned ashamed. When it happened, my head got all tangled… I had all this stuff shooting through my brain. And before I left, I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't find the words. I mean, I love him."

"Good. That's good." Beth took Marissa's hand. "And it's going to be all right, I promise you. You two just need to try it again. Now that the pain is over for you, you shouldn't have a problem."

Marissa stared into the queen's midnight blue eyes. And realized that in her whole life, no one had ever talked to her candidly about a problem she had. In fact… she'd never had a friend before. And that's what the queen felt like. A… friend.

"You know something?" Marissa murmured.

"What?"

"You're very kind. I can see why Wrath has bonded with you so."

"Like I said before, I'd do anything to help you."

"You really have. Tonight… you totally have." Marissa cleared her throat. "May I—ah, may I try the pants on?"

"Absolutely."

Marissa picked up the clothes, got a change of underwear from the bureau, and went into the bathroom.

When she came out, she had on a pair of slim black pants and a turtleneck. And she couldn't stop staring down at herself. Her body seemed so much smaller without all the skirting. "How do they feel?" Beth asked.

"Odd. Light. Easy." Marissa walked around in her bare feet. "A little like I'm naked."

"You're thinner than I am, so they're a little baggy. But they look great."

Marissa went back into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. "I think I like them."

When Butch returned to the Pit, he lurched down to his suite. As he started the shower, he kept the lights off because he had no interest in seeing how drunk and freaked out he still was. And he got under the spray, even though it was cold, in the hopes that the Antarctic wash would help sober him up.

With rough hands, he worked himself over with a bar of soap, and when he got to his privates, he didn't look down. Couldn't bear it. He knew, what he was washing off his body, and his chest burned at the thought of the blood that had been on the inside of Marissa's thighs.

Man… seeing that had been a killer. Then he'd shocked the shit out of himself by doing what he did. He had no idea why he'd put his mouth to her or where the idea had come from. It had just seemed like the thing to do.

Oh… hell. He couldn't think about all that.

Quick shampoo. Quick rinse. And then he was out. He didn't bother toweling off, just went dripping to his bed and sat down. The air was freezing cold on his wet skin, and the chill felt like a proper punishment as he rested his chin on his fist and stared across the room. In the dim glow coming under the door, he saw the pile of clothes Marissa had taken off him earlier. Then that dress of hers on the floor.

He went back to looking at what he'd been wearing. That suit wasn't really his, was it. Neither was the shirt—or the socks or the loafers. Nothing he wore was his.

He glanced at the watch on his wrist. Took the thing off. Let it fall onto the carpet.

He didn't live in his own place. He didn't spend his own money. He had no job, no future, He was a well-kept pet, not a man. And as much as he loved Marissa, after what just happened on that back lawn, it was clear things couldn't work out between them. The relationship was flat-out destructive, especially for her: she was distraught, blaming herself for shit that wasn't her fault, suffering, and it was because of him. Goddamn it, she deserved so much better. She deserved… oh, shit, she deserved Rehvenge, that thick-blooded aristocrat. Rehv would be able to take care of her, give her what she needed, take her out socially, be her mate for centuries.

Butch got up, walked to the closet, and took out a Gucci duffel… then realized he didn't want to take anything of this life with him when he bailed.

Tossing the bag aside, he pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, shoved his feet into some running shoes, and found the old wallet and set of keys he'd brought with him when he moved in with Vishous. As he looked at the metal tangle on its simple silver ring, he remembered that back in September he hadn't bothered to do anything with his apartment. So after all his time, his landlord must have long ago busted in and cleared out his stuff. Which was fine. It wasn't like he wanted to go back there anyway.

Leaving the keys, he headed out of his room, only to realize le had no wheels. He glanced down at his feet. Looked like he vas walking it down to Route 22, then hitching a ride from here.

He had no coherent plan for what he was going to do or where he would go. He knew only that he was leaving the Brothers and Marissa and that was it. Well, he also knew that to make it stick, he was going to have to get out of Caldwell. Maybe he could head west or something.

When he walked into the living room, he was relieved V wasn't around. Saying good-bye to his roommate was nearly as awful as leaving his woman. So no reason to have that bon voyage convo.

Shit. What was the Brotherhood going to do about him pulling out? He knew a lot about them—
Whatever
. He couldn't stay, and if that meant action had to be taken, it would sure as hell put him out of his misery.

And as for what the Omega did to him? Well, he didn't have much of an answer for the whole
lesser
thing. But at least he wouldn't have to worry about hurting the brothers or Marissa. Because he wasn't planning on ever seeing them again.

His hand was on the vestibule's doorknob when V said, "Where you going, cop?"

Butch swiveled his head around as V stepped out of the shadows of the kitchen.

"V… I'm leaving." Before there was a response, Butch shook his head. "If that means you have to kill me, just do it quick and bury me fast. And don't let Marissa know."

"Why you pulling out?"

"It's better this way, even if it means I'm dead. Hell, you'll be doing me a favor if you have to off me. I'm in love with a woman I can't really have. You and the Brotherhood are the only friends I've got and I'm giving you up, too. And what the fuck do I have out in the real world waiting for me? Nothing. I got no job. My family thinks I'm whacked. The only good thing is that I'll be on my own with my own kind."

V approached, a tall, menacing shadow.

Shit, maybe this would all be over with tonight. Right here. Right now.

"Butch, man, you can't get out. I told you from the beginning. No getting out."

"So like I just said… snuff me. Grab a dagger and do me. But hear me clear. I will not stay in this world as an outsider one more minute."

As their eyes met, Butch didn't even brace himself. He wasn't going to fight. He was going to go gently into the good night, carried there by his best friend's hand on a good, clean kill.

There were worse ways to go, he thought. Many, many worse ways.

Vishous's eyes narrowed. "There may be another way."

"Another… V, buddy, a set of plastic fangs ain't going to make this better."

"Do you trust me?" When there was only silence, V repeated, "Butch, do you trust me?"