Love You Always (18 page)

My dad leaves his wallet on his dresser and when he’s drunk, I steal from him and buy myself sexy clothes to irk him, to get him back for what he did. But the thing is, when I started dressing this way, I also gained the attentions of the boys at school. I still do. The attention’s great, the flirting, telling me how sexy I am. Of course, I get a lot of mean looks from the other girls, but who the hell cares? I don’t care what they think of me—I’m feeding off the boy thrills.

“Jade, we’re having a party at the park tonight. Wanna come?” one of the jocks asked me that day.

Of course I did. Partying with these guys? What a dream come true. So I snuck out that night at eight o’clock and walked over there since it’s only ten minutes from my house.

When I got to the secluded spot they said they’d be at, I had expected to see other girls, but there weren’t any, there were only three guys and me. Maybe I was early, I thought, but they did tell me to be there by eight and it was already past that.

They had been drinking, so they were there even earlier, and I began to feel nervous about being there alone, the only girl, with them. They could sense my nervousness, so they gave me a beer and told me to relax, we’re just going to talk and have a good time, they said.

They were all being really kind to me—throwing me compliments, making me feel special.

“You’ve got nice legs,” one of them said.

“You’re so pretty and sexy,” said another.

They were smiling at me and looking me over. I took gulps of my beer, even though I didn’t care for the taste. We started talking about stuff that I don’t remember now, and after my second beer, I felt buzzed.

One of them took out a little bag of pills and handed me one. I stared at it for a moment, blinking my eyes, feeling tipsy from the alcohol.

“Go ahead, Jade, it’ll make you feel reeeeaaal good.”

What the hell, I thought, so I took it and drank it down with my beer.

We were kissing, touching, and after that I don’t remember much because my mind was swirling and fuzzy at the same time. I could hear them talking, laughing, and I felt them tugging at my clothes, and then holding me down. I think I tried to push the first one away, but I’m not sure. It’s all a blur.

I remember waking up in the dark, I was alone, naked, and sore. I touched myself where the pain was and there was blood. I knew then what they had done to me. I cried while I put on my clothes, then stumbled out of the park to head home. I took a hot shower and scrubbed myself until I was almost raw. I was glad that my dad’s room was far from the bathroom, so he couldn’t hear me in there. When I got into bed, I turned to my side and stared at the clock. The tears rolled down my face—it was 3:22 a.m.

I suppose being drugged and drunk helped make the gang rape less traumatic for me, because quite frankly, I don’t remember much—but the aftermath, my humiliation, is what’s painful.

When I returned to school, kids were gossiping, I could hear the word ‘slut’ being whispered. Well, if they’re going to call me that, I’ll play the part. So from then on, I didn’t care who I slept with. I even slept with the guys who raped me. Yeah, I’m that screwed up.

But that’ll teach my dad, right? Not what he did to me, but what he did to Spence that ultimately drove my brother to kill himself.

Spence, my best friend, my buddy, my kid brother. The only one who understood me, the only one who I could talk to before Laura went all bossy on me. Yes, Dad took him away from me. The fucker.

And Laura doesn’t know, because Spence made me promise not to tell her, not to tell anyone. He made me promise.

And even if he didn’t make me promise, I wouldn’t turn Dad over to the cops. Spence didn’t when Dad was doing this to him before I even knew about it. Why? Because kids don’t turn in their parents no matter how much they hurt them. That’s why parents get away with abusing their kids—because kids don’t tell.

So, Dad loves boys. He didn’t love Laura or me, but he sure loved Spence. But Spence didn’t want Dad’s love in that way—not in the way Dad gave it to him.

Fucking Dad.

Fucking monster.

I hate him!

* * *

I managed to have dinner without Laura badgering me. She tried to ask me a few questions, but when I didn’t answer, she gave up.

I know that she and her hunky boss are doing it. How I’d love to do him. The boys at school, they all suck at sex. They just want it but don’t give anything back—they don’t get me off. They grope me, stick it in me, then after a few humps and grinds, they’re done. They don’t make me come, ever. I bet Marcus would make my thighs quiver and fuck me until I scream.

Yeah, I need a man, not a boy. Those boys look wimpy next to Marcus anyway. I wonder how Marcus would feel inside me, kissing me, touching me, loving me. The boys don’t love me, but I’ll make Marcus love me. I’m getting horny just thinking about him.

Laura’s going to hate me but I don’t care. If she hadn’t left us, maybe Spence would still be alive. She could’ve helped him; she was old enough then.

I still cry when I think of Spence. Spence shouldn’t have died, Dad should’ve.

As I lie on the bed, I hear voices in the hallway. I look at the clock and it’s almost midnight. I walk over to the door and plant my ear to it.

“You feeling okay, Laura?”

“I think I’ve got indigestion. But I took some antacid so hopefully that’ll help.”

“Well, you cooked, so you can’t blame it on me,” Marcus says and I hear him laugh.

“Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t.” Now Laura chuckles.

“Crap. I guess my plan to entice you into my bedroom has to be scrapped now.”

“Damn,” my sister says. “Can I get a rain check?”

“I don’t know, there’s expiration dates on them, you know.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll redeem them as soon as possible.”

Geez, hearing their banter is embarrassing. Who writes their stuff?

“I can’t wait.”

Then there’s silence. I bet they’re kissing.

“Night, Laura.”

“Goodnight.”

I go back to the bed, and sit and wait. What am I waiting for? I’m waiting for Marcus to get cozy in his bed and then I’ll pay him a visit.

What luck that Laura gets a stomachache tonight. I thought I’d have to wait a few days to find the right opportunity to get Marcus alone.

After about half an hour, I creep my way towards Marcus’ room. Good, his door is slightly ajar, so I push it open quietly and carefully. Thank God it doesn’t squeak. When I’m inside the room, I push the door back to the slightly ajar position that it was in.

I creep my way further into his room and I see him in his bed, lying on his side, his back turned towards me. Good, that’ll make it easy for me to slip into his bed.

I’m as quiet as a Ninja as I shuck off my nightie and panties. Buck naked, I lift the sheets and slide in next to him. I put my arms around his waist and snuggle my body to his. He feels so warm, and hard, he’s nothing like the boys I’ve had. Running my hands on his muscles makes me ache for him, I feel my crotch pulsing, wanting.

He stirs and says, “You already collecting your rain check?”

Then he turns and puts his arm around me. It’s pretty dark in here so he hasn’t yet realized that I’m not Laura. As his face comes close to mine, I feel his breath on me, and I can smell his scent—his manliness makes my pussy ache. But he stops, I hear him breath deep. He abruptly turns away from me and switches his bedside lamp on.

“What the fuck?!” he exclaims. “Jade!”

He sits up and when he does so, the sheet pulls off me. I watch as his eyes scan down my body, but he immediately raises them back to my eyes. His face blushes, or maybe it’s red with anger.

“I want you, Marcus,” I tell him as I hold out my arms to him, beckoning him to make love to me.

As if his mind just registered a warning flash, he jumps out of bed and stands, looking down at me.

“Jade, you need to go back to your room.” He says this with a calmer voice now, but his tone is firm, the way a parent would command a child.

I sit up and his eyes again scan down my body, but I sense it’s just a male reaction, because I don’t see lust in his eyes, not the way I see them in the boys at school. The way he scrunches his eyebrows, no, Marcus’ eyes look at me with concern, not desire.

But I’m so freaking horny for him, I want him to take me, to love me, to make me feel like I’m loved. He can do this for me; I know he can.

“Please fuck me, Marcus,” I plead as my arms reach out for him again. “I’m good at fucking. All the boys love fucking me. I know you’ll love fucking me too.”

Why does he look at me so sadly? Most guys would jump at a young thing like me throwing myself at them. But he doesn’t seem to want me—why doesn’t he want me?

He walks around to my side of the bed and stoops down to pick up my nightie and panties.

“Jade, you need to get dressed and leave my room,” he says, his voice soft now, but still firm.

“Please, Marcus, please love me. I want you, I’ve wanted you since I first saw you.”

“Jade!” my sister’s voice yells out.

Marcus turns to look at Laura as she stands just inside the doorway. My eyes stare at her face—she’s fuming. She advances and stands next to Marcus. She takes my clothes from his hands and slips my nightie over my head. I push her away.

“I can dress myself,” I tell her, my voice biting. How dare she treat me like a child.

I stand to my feet and start to dress. Marcus turns his back to me, but what the hell for? He’s already seen my body. It’s probably for Laura’s sake.

I hear my sister sigh. “Why are you like this, Jade?” Her voice isn’t angry anymore; instead, it’s filled with sorrow.

“Like this?” I ask. “And what does ‘like this’ mean?”

She hesitates as if she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“Like a slut,” she finally says. Her eyes look at me sadly, as though it hurt her to say those words to me.

And yeah, I knew that’s what she was going to say, but I wanted to hear it from her.

“Because I am one. I’m a horrible slut, okay? You happy?” I cry and storm out of the room, slamming the door when I get to mine.

I plop front first on the bed and I weep. Yeah, I weep and weep, because I’m a messed up bitch. I don’t know why I do things like this; things that I know will hurt Laura. I wanted to hurt her, to take away her man, to make her pay.

But pay for what? The only thing I can’t forgive her for is leaving us with Dad, especially when Spence needed her. Does she deserve me to hurt her this way? Probably not, but I can’t help it. I–I–I don’t know what demons possess me to make me so mean, so hurtful.

I’m so messed up.

Nobody wants me, they don’t love me, they just use me, use my body, then throw me away until the next time. I thought Marcus could love me, like he loves Laura. I want what she has, I want him to look at me the way he looks at her, the way he teases and touches her. I want him to love me too.

Why can’t he love me?

Why can’t anybody love me?

Laura says she loves me, but she’s my sister, so she has to say that. I want somebody to love me, not because they have to, but because they want to.

I want someone to love me . . . for me.

~* Jade *~

I’m soooo tired. Crying my eyes out always makes me sleepy. But fatigue isn’t the only thing causing my weariness. I’m so tired of this shitty life, of all the crap, of all the fucking losers, yeah, me included.

Spence had it right. Maybe he’s in a better place where nobody can hurt him anymore, where he doesn’t have to deal with all the crap. You think?

Why was I even born? If my parents didn’t want me, why didn’t they freaking use contraceptives and save themselves the trouble? Or had an abortion even. I’d rather never been born than have to endure what my life is now. My life sucks and I’ve nothing and no one in it anymore that makes it worthwhile.

Spence checked out and maybe it’s time I checked out too. Yeah, maybe I can be with Spence again. Wherever he is has gotta be better than here.

Can I do it? Can I do what Spence did? My body is shaking just to think about it. Thinking about ending my life is scary, but having to go on like this is fucking miserable.

Maybe I should just get it over with once and for all. Yeah, nobody’s going to miss me. Laura’s got her new lover, she won’t miss me after the initial shock. She’ll probably cry for a while, but she’ll get over it, she seems to have gotten over Spence.

I haven’t gotten over him. I think about him every day. I see his face, I remember his laugh, how we played and got into mischief together, and I remember that day, the day he was taking so long in the bathroom that I started pounding on the door for him to open up and let me have at it. And when he was in there for too damn long and wouldn’t answer me, I picked the lock, which was easy with the type of doorknob we have. He’s the one who taught me how to do it actually, when once I accidently locked myself out.

When I finally got in, I saw the blood, so much blood, in the bathtub, in the water that came up to his waist as he lay there with no more life in him. I couldn’t see his hands, they were under the water, the red, bloodied water, but I saw the razor, sitting on the edge of the tub, where he left it, bloodied, making a mess on the shiny white porcelain.

And his face, he looked so peaceful, like he was just sleeping. But he wasn’t sleeping, because when I tried to shake him, he wouldn’t wake up. And I screamed, and screamed, and the fucking monster who killed him came running in, and he pulled Spence out of the tub and hugged him. Yes, he hugged him, he hugged him tight, and he cried. And I cried. I cried and cried for days—I haven’t stopped crying.

And I will hate Dad forever. I want to break my promise to Spence, but he’ll never forgive me if I ever see him again, wherever he is. But maybe I won’t end up where he is anyway, because I’m bad and Spence was good. Spence would never hurt anyone, he never hurt Laura, the way I hurt her.

But I didn’t always hurt Laura, at least not until she left and Spence died. Before that, she was my sister and I looked up to her, I cared about her. And she cared about me.