Love Through Pain (11 page)

Chapter Sixteen

Jazmine struggled to get into her truck
. She placed her hand on the door handle and struggled to climb up. She finally sat and put the key in the ignition. She burst out crying. Everything in her life was a mess. A sharp pain stabbed the side of her stomach, and she rubbed it. “Ouch!”

She grabbed the steering wheel, holding onto it until her knuckles paled. “Are you
that
mad at me, that I didn’t let him read to you?” She took a deep breath. “Aren’t you tired of hearing him read the same book?” Another contraction hit. “You gotta be shitting me, this can’t be happening.”

Javier’s front door opened, and she could see him watching her.

She turned the key in the ignition and started the vehicle. “No, no, no… Not now.” She tried to shift gears, and another one hit her. “You didn’t even give me warning!” Jazmine’s breathing became labored.

Javier must have known something was wrong
, because he strolled over to her truck and knocked on the window. She pushed the button, and the window slid down.

“Yes
!” She gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“Jazz, we need to talk.” He gaz
ed at her. “I never said Monica…”

“I can’t
right now!” she wailed as another contraction rocked her body.

He watched her
, first in disbelief, and then in concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m in
labor,” she hissed, now holding her belly. “This kid is coming.”

His eyes widen
ed. “You’re in what?” he raised his voice.

“Baby…” she let out a breath, “
is coming now!”

“But
, I thought we had a couple weeks.” Javier was still at the passenger window. She could tell he was nervous, and then he grinned. “My son is coming.”

“Really…” She closed her eyes, and
then took short breath, waiting for the contraction to end.

Javier rushed over to her side. “Can you move over?”

She slowly maneuvered herself over to the passenger side, and Javier jumped in.

He put the gear in
to reverse, and then into drive, speeding off to the hospital.

“You’re doing great
, love.” He held her hand.

She squeezed tight. He
’d just called her, love, and her heart did double flips. Did he really have feelings for her? Javier had become her reason for smiling, her life support. What would she do without him?

***

At the hospital she was immediately admitted to the maternity ward.

Javier wiped the sweat from her forehead with a wet cloth,
and he could see the pain in her eyes, but she didn’t scream. She just grabbed the sheets in her fist, and swore at him.

“We should’ve gone to the birth classes
.” His smirk disappeared when he looked at her, and she rolled her eyes.

“It’s too late to say we should’ve
.” She gripped the railing of the bed, and pushed.

The doctor was in between her legs, telling her when to push and when to stop. “Stop, stop pushing!” the doctor
raised her voice, startling everyone in the room.

Javier saw the panic in the doctors’ eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Jazmine was agitated. Her hair was plastered to her head. Sweat glistened off her face when she lifted her chin. “Please don’t let anything happen to him, please…”

The doctor looked a
t her, and then at him. “His umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck.” Javier saw her grabbing something from around the baby’s neck. “Don’t push.”

Her breathing was short. “Is he going to be okay?”
Her tears rolled down her face. “He has to be okay.” She looked up at Javier.

He kissed her forehead
. “He is going to fine.” He was nervous as he watched the doctor pull the cord over his son’s head.

The doctor lift
ed her head, and smiled. “Okay mom, one more push.” Jazmine pushed, and the doctor grabbed the baby.

Javier took a deep breath
, and held it. He didn’t exhale until he heard the baby cry.

***

Jazmine gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  They even allowed him to cut the umbilical cord. He weighed in at seven pounds, three ounces, and measured twenty inches long.

The nurse cleaned up the baby, and
then wrapped him up.

“Ma’am do you want to hold your baby?” Jazmine shook her head and turned to her side.

“Jazmine are you sure?”

She wiped her fallen tears. “I don’t want to see him
, please take him out of the room.”

The nurse looked at her
, and then at him.

“I’ll take him
.” Javier gently took the baby in his arms.

“I’ll come back later
.” The nurse made a hasty exit.

Javier couldn’t stop smiling. The
infant resembled a Hispanic baby. His straight brown hair spiked upward, and the color of his skin was lighter than his. Nicolas pouted his mouth like Jazmine did when she was asleep. His heart melted as he held his son for the first time.

“Hey, I’m your daddy
.” Javier touched his little fingers. His son just stared at him attentively, making him smile. “You know my voice.”

Javier looked over at Jazmine
, seeing tears. His heart broke knowing how difficult it was for her. He wanted to make it all better; he placed the baby in his bassinette and ambled toward her bed. He swept away her tears with his thumb.

“Jazz
, it won’t hurt to see him once,” he said above a whisper.

She closed her eyes. “I can’t.”

“Or, you won’t.” Javier moved away, and he resumed pushing the bassinette. He picked him up. “He’s beautiful.” He kissed his tiny hands. “He has your lips.”

Out of nowhere
, Jazmine hollered, and then turned to the other side. “Get out!”

“Jazz.”

“Javier, please get out,” she cried. “I don’t want to see or hear him!”

He stared at her
, he knew if she would only look at him, she wouldn’t be able to give him up. But if she wanted them gone, he would leave for now. He strode away with his son in his arms.

“I’ll be back.” He yanked the door closed behind him.

***

Jazmine waited until he was gone. She placed her feet on the cold floor, and stood
, wavering for a few minutes. After a quick search for her clothes and keys, she staggered to the bathroom. She was in pain, both physically and emotionally, but this was the best for all of them. Her stuff was already in her truck, and Javier could call someone to pick him up. She wrote a note to him, and then left.

She walked down to the nursery, knowing she shouldn’t
, but she just
had
to see him once. Jazmine looked through the glass, and there he was—baby Martinez. He was perfect. Javier was right, he did have her lips. She had an idea of what he was going to look like, because her attackers were white, or so she thought. She placed her hand over her lips, kissed it, and touched the glass. “I will always love you,” she vowed before leaving him.

***

Javier knocked on her door, and she didn’t respond. He pushed the door open, and she wasn’t in her bed. He panicked; deep down he knew what’d happened. She was gone, but he seared the room anyway and found the hospital gown on the bathroom floor. He punched the wall, and then rubbed his knuckles.

Tears threated to fall as he glanced around the area. This was the plan all along
; she would leave once the baby was born, but he hadn’t prepared himself. He took a deep breath, and then saw a note lying on her tray.

He picked it up
, and read it.

Javier,

We knew this day was coming. It hurts
, but this is what I have to do, because I love him. Please take care of him…

Love,

Jazmine, NJM

A single tear escaped his eye as he finished reading her note; she’d used the baby’s initials. Nicolas Justin Martinez.

One thought repeated itself in his mind.
I didn’t get to say goodbye
…

Chapter Seventeen

It was Nicky’s first week home
, and Javier was having a hard time with the newborn. He wondered why he cried so much, and at times, nothing he did had made him stop. Did he miss his mother? He’d been up three times already. Four fifteen in the morning, and Nicky began another bout of crying.

“Fuck…” Javier punched the mattress, turning on his side, rising
, and preparing to pick the baby up. Nicky’s crib was next to the bed. “Sorry, son, I didn’t curse at you.” He picked him up, but he continued crying and sucking on his hand. “Are you hungry again?”

He strolled into the kitchen, and made the baby’s bottle with one hand as he held on to the crying infant with the other.

He finished making the bottle and started to feed Nicky. “You’re going to be fat if you continue eating like this.” He smiled, staring at his son. His eyes were hazel with a hint of gray. Nicky stared back, smiling around the nipple.

Javier finished feeding him. He turned him on his shoulder and gently patted his back until a faint burp reached his ears. “Are you going to do this every night?”
He kissed the crown of his head. “I miss your mommy, too.”

***

Javier fell asleep on the couch with Nicky in his arms. It was getting easier, but the baby was getting spoiled; he found that Nicky slept better when he was held. Every night around nine, he would put him to sleep reading a new book. A stack of children books arrived in the mail, and he knew exactly who’d sent them.

The ringing of his doorbell woke him up. Javier checked his watch, it was eight in the morning. The baby was still asleep on his chest
. “I’m spoiling you.” He placed him in the playpen, and then walked to the door.

His mom and sister stood on the landing with huge smiles on their faces when he opened the door.

“Where’s my grandson?” His mom entered the house with Lucy right behind her.

“H
e’s in the playpen. Where’s Carlitos?” He closed the door.

“Jose is finally stepping up
. I guess you being a father encouraged him to be a better dad.” His mom stood in front of the bassinette, bending down to pick up Nicolas. “Dios mio que bello es. He is gorgeous, look at all this hair.” She touched his head.

His mom never mentioned the fact that the baby looked Hispanic. She was the only other person that knew the truth.

“Te vez cansado.” His mother watched him.

“I am
. He sleeps all day and is up at nights.”

“You just have to try to keep him up during the day.” His mom kissed the baby’s cheek. “I know it
’s hard being a single parent, but you got this.” She smiled.

“If you say so.” His lids were getting heavy with sleep.

Lucy kissed the baby’s fingers. “Where’s Jazmine?” She looked around.

Javier leaned against the door. “She’s gone.”

“Hijo, are you okay?”

He
stumbled over to his mom. “The last week has been difficult, but I’ll survive. I just have to get him on a routine.” He sat next to his mom.

“I meant Jazmine leaving.”

He closed his eyes. “I didn’t get to say goodbye, but this was the plan.”

“But was it your plan?” His mom arched her thin brow.

He opened his eyes and stared at his mother. What was she talking about?

“You fell in love with her, didn’t you?” She watched him.

He quickly straightened. “Can you watch him while I take a nap?”

She patted the baby’s back. “Yes.”

There was no need to talk about it. Jazmine was gone—end of story.

***

Javier’s paternity leave was over, and he was back at work with his forehead on his desk. He was tired, and he didn’t even have time to shave correctly. He hadn’t been able to comb his hair in days. Nicky continued to stay up all night. He tried everything to keep the baby up during the day, but nothing was working. Hopefully his mother could help. She was keeping Nicky during the day while he prepared to transfer duty stations.

“Chief, are you okay?” Petty Officer Smi
th entered his office.

Javier lifted his head, and glared at her. “What do you want?”

“Chief, no disrespect, but you look horrible.” She stared at him.

“Well having a newborn at home
and it’s more difficult than I thought.” He leaned back in his chair.

“Is the baby keeping you up?” She stared at him curiously.

“He didn’t go to sleep until nearly five in the morning.” He rolled his neck, combing his hair with his fingers.

“Have you tried swaddling him?”
She placed some documents in his inbox.

“Swaddling?”

She chuckled. “It’s a special way to wrap your baby. It worked for me.”

“What’s so special about wrapping him up?”

“They feel secure, it keeps them warm, tight, and snuggled.” Petty Officer Smith pulled out her phone from her pocket, and then played on it. “Here, it shows you how to swaddle him.” She handed him her phone.

He grabbed it, watched the video, and then handed
it back to her.

“We’ll see if that works
. Thanks.” He picked up the papers she’d set down.

“That’s your transfer documents
, you just have to sign them.”

He grabbed his pen, signed the paper, and handed it to her. “Thanks.”

She turned to leave, and looked back. “Chief Martinez, we are going to miss you.” She continued out.

Javier tried to get his shit together. He grabbed a razor he had in his desk and hurriedly shaved
. He combed his hair with his fingers again. He needed to get to work; only three more weeks, and he would be gone to his new duty station. Nicky kept him up at nights, but he honestly couldn’t see his life without him. He loved that little boy. His dreams of being a father had finally come true.

He opened his shirt pocket to retrieve his ID card to start up his computer
, and he felt a piece of paper. He pulled it out, unfolded it, and then read it.

How do you tell a friend you’re falling in love with him?

J.N
.O

“You just tell him,” he said to himself, getting angry at Jazmine. Why didn’t she just hear him out? He’d called her to thank her for the books and all the baby stuff she’d sent, but once again she’d changed her number.