Love Takes Hold: The Helena's Grove Series Book 3 (3 page)

The ride back to Boston was quiet. Zack had indeed been to Aunt Gabby’s at eight a.m. sharp. He had pasted a smile on his face for Aunt Gabby’s sake but Jen could tell he hadn’t gotten much sleep. They’d been driving for forty-five minutes when Jen broke the silence. “Are we going to spend this entire drive ignoring each other?”

Zack kept his eyes on the road; he said nothing.

Jen was looking at him. “We are going to have to talk about this at some point.”

Zack took a deep breath. “I don’t know how this never came up before.”

“Marriage?”

“Everything. Marriage, kids, house, life…”

“It just never came up. I guess I didn’t realize how strongly you felt about those things.”

“I’m a country boy; you didn’t think I’d want to get married?”

“I told you, I might want to get married someday. But I was thinking when we’re established. Maybe when you’re all done with your internship and have your own practice.”

“That puts us into our thirties,” Zack observed.

“Which is still young,” Jen pointed out. “It’s not like we’re on a time crunch. Besides, I really don’t see the difference between living together and getting married, so why get married?”

Zack let out an exasperated sigh.

“We can’t afford to get married anyway. Weddings are expensive… and you don’t even have a ring,” Jen told him, nodding as if she agreed with herself.

He was quiet for a moment. “Well it wouldn’t have to be big. I always thought small weddings were the nicest. Ya know, intimate ceremonies with closest friends and family.”

Jen stared at him, unsure what to say. A week ago they were doing great – they got along, liked the same movies, music, food, but now they couldn’t even get out a sentence without disagreeing with one another.

Zack looked at her. “That’s not what you envision your wedding to be like, is it?”

“Not quite,” Jen admitted.

“How do you see your wedding day?” he asked.

“Well, since I didn’t think I’d get married for a while I can’t say I have it all planned out, but I always saw a big wedding. All my friends and family, tons of flowers, delicious food, dancing, a beautiful dress, my dad walking me down the aisle in one of the grand venues in New York.” She shrugged. “I guess the same thing every little girl dreams about.”

“I’m sure a big ring is something that goes along with your big wedding?” he asked.

“You make me sound shallow.”

“You’re making yourself sound shallow.”

“What is your problem?” Jen was getting tired of having to deal with his newly developed attitude.

“I always knew we were different.” Zack was staring ahead, eyes seemingly glazed over. “We were raised differently, from different states, different cultures, but I never thought we’d have such different ideas on core things, like marriage and family.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “It’s like everything I want you want the opposite.”

“Not the opposite,” Jen disagreed. “I think I want to get married, it’s just my ideas about marriage are different. I don’t think you have to be married to live happily. And I want kids but I also want my career and I don’t want to have to leave a bunch of kids to be babysat while I go to work.”

“I guess that makes sense,” he said after a moment’s hesitation.

“When I get married I want to share it with all the people I know – I want it to be a celebration,” Jen said, desperately hoping he’d understand where she was coming from.

“I could never do the big wedding thing,” Zack said, almost to himself. “If we had a small wedding now we wouldn’t have to worry about the expense.”

“What if we waited a couple years and get married when you’re done with your internship?” Jen proposed. “It’s not like we’d have kids until then anyway.”

“Well if you’re only having two then you could start whenever.” Zack was back in his hard mood.

Jen sighed in exasperation. “I’m willing to come up from two if you’re willing to come down from six!”

There was a silence, each engulfed in their own thoughts. The drive went by slowly; every hour seemed longer than the one before it. The tension between them hung thick in the air and it made Jen feel claustrophobic in their little car. She had never been more relieved to reach a destination before. However, their apartment seemed different somehow; Jen couldn’t quite put her finger on it. After unpacking and taking a shower she realized it wasn’t the place but the feelings between she and Zack that was making it seem different. There was little communication between them as they put away their belongings. When Zack got into the shower without a word, Jen decided to just go to bed. Her muscles felt tight and her eyelids were heavy. She was just drifting off to sleep when Zack emerged from the bathroom and quietly got into bed.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t want to sleep in here tonight,” Jen told him, her voice loud in the darkness.

“I’m too tired to go somewhere else and my back hurts too bad to sleep on the couch.”

Jen nodded, even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “So you’re really serious about this?”

“I’m serious about wanting to get married and have children, yes. And I think we need to evaluate our relationship, make sure we both know what we want out of it.”

Jen was quiet, taking in his words.

“I’m not going to pretend this isn’t a big deal,” Zack went on. “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want the same things I do. I don’t see the point in it.”

“I just don’t feel the urgency you do,” Jen argued. “In my mind, we have all the time in the world to figure out what we want.”

“The difference between you and me is that I don’t need the time, I already know what I want. It’s you who needs the time, which translates to you aren’t sure. You aren’t sure about marriage because you aren’t sure about me.”

“That isn’t true Zack. How could you even think that?” She could feel the emotion rising.

“I proposed to you and you said no. What am I supposed to think?”

“For the hundredth time, how I feel about marriage has nothing to do with how I feel about you,” she whispered harshly and turned on her side so she was facing him in the dark. She reached out and touched his arm, relieved when he didn’t pull away.

“You love so differently than I do,” she continued. “I wish I could have the same feelings toward marriage as you do but I can’t. I’ve seen it go bad too many times. I’ve been involved with divorce my entire life; bitter divorces where no one is protected from the drama and havoc they wreak.”

“Do you think that would happen to us?” Zack asked slowly. “Do you really believe I could treat you that way?”

“I never thought you’d treat me the way you’re treating me now, and yet, here we are.”

Silence surrounded them for a few seconds before she continued, “I don’t have all the answers Zack. But what I do know is that I love you.”

There was a long pause as Zack inhaled and exhaled deeply. “It’s like you’re always telling me. You can’t live on just love.” He turned to lie on his side, his back toward her. Jen pulled the covers up to her chin and tried to sleep but couldn’t get comfortable. She shivered involuntarily and realized she was cold. She made a move to scoot closer to him but realized the sheets between them were cold.
Cold sheets,
she thought. For some reason, that thought unnerved her almost as much as last twenty-four hours had. She turned to face the wall, her back to Zack. It was some time before she finally drifted into a dreamless slumber, a chill still lingering as sleep enveloped her.

The next several weeks went by like a whirlwind. Jen took on extra projects at work to avoid being home alone and Zack seemed to have taken on extra shifts to avoid being home at all. Their relationship had deteriorated significantly in such a short time. It boggled Jen’s mind that things had spiraled out of control so quickly. Even more mind-boggling was how absolutely unreasonable Zack was being about the entire thing. She hadn’t realized just how personal he had taken her refusal to marry him. She tried to explain, over and over that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to marry him, she just didn’t see the point in getting married at all! But he would just shake his head and tell her he had to get to work. A few times Jen brought lunch to the hospital in an attempt to spend some time with him but they ended up either arguing or sitting in bitter cold silence. Her head hurt frequently, but not nearly as much as her heart.

****

Jen stared at herself in the mirror; she’d gone to bed late and gotten up early for so long she swore she could see the dark circles under her eyes getting bigger by the day. “You need a spa day,” she said to herself as she dabbed on some concealer. As she prepared herself for the day ahead, her mind ran at a ridiculous pace and the questions that had begun to plague her on a daily basis ran freely through her thoughts.

I should stop being so stupid. Are you really willing to lose Zack over this whole marriage thing? If it’s no big deal, why not just do it. Let him have his way. Of course if I give in on this what else am I going to have to give in on? He should be willing to see my point of view; after all, mine is the more reasonable point... It’s not my fault that I feel the way I do. It’s not his fault either but what guy really thinks about marriage so much? I’ve never dated a guy that thought he was ready to get married... Does that mean I’ve been dating all the wrong guys or is Zack the wrong one? Maybe we aren’t meant to be together. We do come from completely different backgrounds... He should just get over it and we can go on with our lives! Why does he have to be so damned stubborn? At least that’s one thing we still have in common, we’re both insanely, ridiculously stubborn. Our kids would be like mules - he’s crazy for wanting to have kids with me...

When she was finally ready, Jen grabbed her purse and headed to her office, the voices and thoughts still running through her head. It was the middle of July now and Jen was feeling the full heat of summer settle in. She found herself wishing it was October, so it could be cool. Then again, she knew that once winter came around she would be yearning for the warmth.
You always want something different than what’s being offered...
she thought to herself. Maybe that was her problem. She was the first of the day to reach her place of work. Glad to have some time alone, she got to work on things that had been piling up. Before long, her phone rang.

“Hello,” she said, holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder.

“Jen! It’s Annie! How’s it going?”

Jen was happy to hear Annie’s cheerful voice. “I’m good. What are you up to? Did you get a new number? I didn’t recognize this one.”

“No, I’m calling from Adam’s cell. Mine died and I had to call you right now!”

Jen laughed, “Okay, I’m glad you did. What’s going on?”

“Well the reason I called is because Adam has Friday off work and so do I, so we were wondering if we could come see ya?”

“Oh.” Jen’s mind froze; she couldn’t have Annie there while her and Zack’s relationship was so rocky. She would pick up on it first thing. “Did you talk to Zack already? He’s been extremely busy at the hospital.”

“I called him and he said to call you. He said he’d try to get a couple evenings off but that you were really busy, so I should check with you before making any plans.”

Jen knew that was just a cover for Zack; he didn’t want Annie seeing them in this state any more than she did. “I am pretty busy,” Jen said carefully.

“Well we don’t need you guys to stop your lives for us. Adam hasn’t been to Boston in years and he wants to go so we’ll be doing our own thing most of the time. We mainly just wanted to grab some dinner with the two of you while we’re there.”

“Okay, yeah, that sounds like fun.” Jen was trying to sound chipper.

“Awesome! We’ll be there Friday and probably leave Sunday around noon. But like I said, don’t you stop anything you’re doing for us. We’ll be around and whenever you guys have time, we can get together. I don’t want to intrude on your space either, I know how you guys like your space.”

The teasing, suggestive way she said it made Jen’s heart hurt. It was true they needed space, but now it was from each other. It was all so very depressing.

Annie went on, “We’ll get a hotel room and see you when we see you! Okay! I’ve got to go, can’t wait!”

“Okay, see ya.” Jen hung up and closed her eyes. She knew she and Zack needed to sit down and figure some things out soon. If only he would put the marriage thing off for one year; just one year and then she felt she could process and let it sink in – enough time to be able to get excited for all the things he wanted and enough time to her to accept it all. But as of this moment, she just couldn’t see herself getting married, even with as much as she loved him. She shook her head. It was too much, too much of everything!

When Jen walked into her apartment that night, Zack was already home.

“Hey,” she said smiling. “How was your day?”

“Busy, how was yours?” he asked, returning her smile, although Jen felt it looked forced.

“Same.” She sat on the couch next to him. “So Annie called you?”

“She did.”

“What do you think about her coming this weekend?”

“It looks like she’s coming no matter what I think about it.”

Jen sighed. “She wants to go to dinner one of the nights they’re here.”

Zack nodded slowly but said nothing.

“Do you want to go?” Jen asked, watching him.

“I don’t know,” he said as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.

“I have a proposal,” Jen ventured.

Zack looked at her, dark circles had formed under his eyes and the sparkle that had at one point been so captivating had dimmed. “A proposal?” he asked sleepily.

She nodded and sat up a little straighter turning so she could face him. “A proposal for us.”

“Okay?” Zack leaned his head on the back of the couch. “Let’s hear it.”

“I’m asking for one year. Put this whole idea of marriage on the back burner for one year.”

“Why would a year make any difference?” he asked.

“I think if I have a while to think it through, then I’ll be better able to deal with and come to terms with the idea of marriage. And maybe even be able to let go of some of my negative feelings toward it.”

“You mean, you want a year to decide whether or not you really want to marry me?”

Jen paused, it sounded bad when he put it like that. “That’s not what I mean. I just need a year to let it all settle.”

“So if we wait a year and then get engaged, how long would you want to wait to actually be married?”

Jen had hoped he wouldn’t ask that question. Truthfully, she would be happy to be engaged for two years. It would take that long to save the money for the wedding anyway. She looked into Zack’s tired eyes. She really did love him. She took a deep breath. “A year… two at the most.”

Zack’s face was expressionless. He didn’t move, other than his eyelids that blinked rhythmically as he looked at her. She held his gaze for several seconds, trying to read his expression before he looked away.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he said softly. He got up slowly and made his way to the bathroom without another word.

“Zack,” Jen started but the door closed before she could say anything else. She exhaled loudly and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. She would rather he yell and scream and say anything he wanted than not talk to her at all. When he was silent it made her feel like he was giving up, like it wasn’t worth the fight anymore. And if he wasn’t willing to fight for his beliefs did that mean he wasn’t willing to fight for their relationship? Jen’s heart picked up speed as she thought of life without him. He’d been the most stable person she’d ever known besides Aunt Gabby, and even though she talked big, being out on her own scared her more than she would like to admit.

Jen walked to the bathroom door and tried the doorknob. It was locked. Her head hung and she slowly walked to the bed to lie down. She hugged a pillow close to her as she thought.
A year is not a lot to ask! Why can’t he just see it my way! Why can’t he be happy with what we have? Why can’t he just, just…
Jen couldn’t think through her frustration and unhappiness. She closed her eyes tight and remembered their days together, before all of this marriage stuff had come up. Those were happy times, but instead of bringing her happiness, they only added to her heavy heart. How could they go from being so content, so perfect, to this? The last few weeks seemed like a blur and Jen squeezed her pillow tighter. She listened silently to the shower in the bathroom, wondering what Zack was thinking, remembering a time when they shared every thought with each other. It was strange to her how quickly things could change.

“Oh Zack!” she said out loud. “How did we get here?”