Love Rewards The Brave (14 page)

88.

“So let me get this straight, she actually offered you a job?”

I look at Jess, sitting so close

to Markus you could start a fire

and I don’t think a match will be

required.

“Yeah. I start this weekend. You know with the holidays and all.”

I try and sound casual,

like this is a normal thing

not a dream gig

for a high school kid.

Markus whistles.

“Man, you’re so lucky. My parents keep bitching at me to get a job. But all the jobs at the mall suck. But to work at 6-Spot Records? Killer.”

I smile.

Liking how it feels

when someone is

impressed with
me

the place I’m going to be

working.

“So, you’re basically going be too busy for me all of Christmas break?” Jess pouts.

But I doubt

her sincerity.

“I think you’ll be fine without me.”

I stand up and throw my trash away

look back at them and say:

“You’ve got each other.”

And for the first time

in a long, long

time

I’m okay to be doing

something

new

because I know I won’t be

alone.

89.

I feel

like a fish out of water

or however the saying goes

when you’re

the only person who

has a question.

And the asking is terrifying

but not asking

is worse because then you’re going to

be stuck looking stupid

when you pretend you know

what the hell you are doing.

Not to mention the music blares at

a million decimals (is that what it’s called?)

the entire shift where I’m

“In Training”

obliterating

whatever it is I am

supposed to be doing.

Margot comes over to me

always saying something nice

like, “Isn’t Toby the best?”

Toby’s my supervisor,

the one teaching me what button to push

and what shelf to stock

and where to take out the trash

what door to lock.

My head spins.

And not just at the influx of information

but also the assimilation to

the fact that everyone around me

looks album cover cool.

Toby?

God. He’s a cross between

Hipster-everything

and I-don’t-care-about-anything

and eyes so fucking blue

they will sear into your memory.

I sit down to take my first break of the day.

Finally a chance to let myself cool

down in the afternoon lull.

Ms. F packed me a granola bar and an apple.

I’m thinking more like Snickers and Snapple.

Margot comes into the back room

fast

goes right past

Toby

and comes to me.

“Louisa, there’s been an emergency. You need to get your things, Francine will be here in a minute for you.”

Her eyes scan mine.

I turn away

my instincts run strong

deep down and long.

“Louisa, can I help you get your coat? Did you bring anything else?”

I guess I’m frozen in place

and looking like a nut case

because Toby is helping Margot put my coat over my shoulders

and I am still trying to find words that are stuck in

my throat.

I grab for Margot when I feel a word

lodged between thought and sound

lost and found.

“Benji?”

She nods her head.

My heart drops.

90.

The hospital is just like it seems

in TV shows.

A recreated safety zone.

I always find myself

in the gray,

but here it’s all white

and big bright lights.

I like the idea of that,

all that white.

But white is scary, all I’ve ever known is

cloudy and muddled

dark storm brewing nights.

I know nothing about clear sky days.

Snow started dumping on our drive

over.

All white on the road 

and wouldn’t you know, snow’s what Ms. F

fears the most.

She said so as her hands clenched the

steering wheel,

snowflake knuckles.

“Over here, Miss.”

The nurse ushers me into a room

the social worker guy here, too.

And my

Benji

Boy.

I’m dizzy, need the wall to stand.

The bright white snow is falling

lights in the hospital

room are glowing

I can’t see much

I suddenly feel blindfolded.

Black.

Black is the color of his eyes

and that is with them closed,

but I know what’s hidden behind

without

him even opening them

up.

His wrists are wrapped in more white.

Nice and tight

looks like the bandages gave a fair fight.

I’m scared of what I might

hear

if I ask questions

about why he’s

here.

91.

On the way over Ms. Francine tried

to prepare, make me aware

of what had happened.

The details still unclear.

But one thing was certain

blood dripped where it shouldn’t have been

the ambulance running

the moment someone found him

still.

But still

breathing.

And now he’s sleeping.

Strapped down for safety (his own).

I want to wake him up and yell in his face

I know our lives have been

shitty and fucked up

but what is he thinking?

He is trying to leave

me

too.

All I want is us to go back

to the room we occupied so many years ago

sleeping under the

moonlight

after we gave up our fight.

Back then

we were at least in it

together.

We promised we would be

forever.

But now Benji’s is trying hard to go

alone.

I sit in a chair,

not knowing what to say

to the social worker guy who clearly

wants to

“talk about it.”

I ignore

his looks in my direction

I’m not looking for a

connection.

Right now I need to focus my eyes

my thoughts and

my

no longer

half-assed prayers

up to the great beyond

so that Benji

will wake up

Whole.

92.

“Benji?” I whisper.

I’ve been sitting ready

steady, feeling heavy

on this still same chair

scared to go anywhere.

Watching the clock tick-tock

wanting him to wake so we could talk

it out.

I’m not wanting to shout

I just want to know where he went

what it meant

for us.

“Lou-Lou?”

He looks at me and I see that boy again.

The one I was scared I’d lost forever

the one I promised to be beside whatever

the weather.

For better or worse.

I know those kind of promises can be hard to keep

I know that most people wouldn’t expect it,

but

Benji and me?

We’re not most people.

“Benji, you scared me. So much. I can’t lose you.”

I choke out the words

hoping they’ll

reach

him somewhere

inside.

But I can tell he wants to hide

because he turns

his face from me.

I take his hand.

The hand I want to hang onto

thinking if it is wrapped in mine

then he’ll never

find

a way to leave.

“Why did you try to go?” I ask.

Trying to keep my blurry

heart from getting caught up

in my eyes.

He doesn’t answer.

“That might be enough for today, Louisa, Benji needs to rest. He’s had quite a day and they are going to be discharging him from the ER soon.”

I look over at the social worker guy

wondering when he got here?

Wondering if he never left?

I swear the world had emptied for a minute there

as I confessed

my fears.

“Where will he go?” I ask.

“Somewhere where he’ll be safe. I’m sorry, Louisa, I’m not permitted to tell you more, until we have the plans worked out. You won’t be apart of the decision because you’re not his guardian.”

Maybe not his guardian,

but the only one who can

Guard Him.

“Fine. I just need to hear him say something, anything, before I can go.” I try again, “Benji, I love you. We are going to be okay, okay?”

He flinches at those words and

pulls his hand from mine

and those blurry tears appear and suddenly

define

the moment for
me
us.

Unclear.

“No, Lou-Lou, we’re not.”

His head is still turned from mine

and I can’t see his face,

but I can recount

the times Benji has said no to me.

Not once.

93.

I’m a wreck

walking out of the hospital room

and find Ms. Francine

waiting

for me.

Patiently

always here for me.

She’s knitting me gloves

to match my scarf.

She opens her arms

and even though I think I don’t want it,

I let her wrap her arms around me

anyway.

Suddenly, those feelings of

unclear

are swept away.

And nothing feels gray.

Everything suddenly

feels very

black and white

and that is

terrifying.

I want

familiar.

She’s been sitting ready

steady, feeling heavy

on this still same chair

waiting for me before she goes

anywhere.

I am to

Benji

what she is to

me.

There for me.

Taking care of me.

Wanting the best for me.

And I give into

her hug

I don’t turn away

or hide my face away

or pretend to look away-

I stay.

It makes me think that maybe

it’s what I wanted

all along.

Maybe it’s exactly

where I belong.

And once again, I feel sick inside

disgusting inside

just want to hide

because giving into her

kindness

is giving into

blindness.

Because now I am walking into the

black

and

white.